Ponyboy wiped an arm across his eyes and took a shaky breath, disgusted with himself for his outburst and not really sure why it had happened. Maybe it was just because he was tired of everyone treating him like he was still thirteen again or maybe he couldn't go any longer without saying it out loud. He walked to the window that that faced the parking lot, the greenery around the hospital staring back at him as if to say; look where you are and look where I am. "Ponyboy, have you ever heard of 'Survivor's Guilt'"? Dr. Kendrick asked calmly, as if his episode had never occurred.
Ponyboy looked over at her, still standing at the window. "What are you talking about?"
"It basically means you feel guilty or badly because you were the one to live while one or more people did not, typically when you're all in the same situation together and it could have ended very badly for all of you. This happens a lot in car crashes, airplane crashes, and the military. A lot of people die in one incident, while there is one lone survivor. Does that sound anything like what you've been feeling?"
Ponyboy kept his eyes on the doctor as he made his way back to the couch and took his seat. "So this is an actual thing? Something a lot of people feel?"
The doctor nodded. "Yes, it happens often after a trauma. The brain has a hard time making sense of what occurred and the logic of why you survived while someone else perished tends to be a hard concept to grasp. That's another reason I asked you about suicide. Many survivors, such as yourself, have a hard time understanding why and being okay with the fact that they survived. Even years after the fact, even if they thought they were okay with it all. Sometimes it sort of goes into hiding for awhile and stays dormant until something brings it up again, triggers it." She kept her voice soft while explaining. Dr. Kendrick wasn't old by any means, probably no older than Ponyboy's parents, and he was beginning to feel comfortable with her. She reminded him of his mom, making him feel safe, that it was okay to say what was on his mind.
"I have these dreams." Ponyboy started. His voice was low, still not completely sure how to go about this. The other doctor had only been his pediatrician, not an actual therapist, so he hadn't had to open up to anyone, and the gang didn't know how he felt, not really. Dr. Kendrick said nothing, but sat in her chair, listening to him intently, as if what he said mattered. Maybe it did. "I've had nightmares since my parents died. But they kind of stopped some after my brother Sodapop started sleeping with me. I felt safer I guess. I do feel kind of stupid at my age to need that, but it helps." The bitterness and anger left him as he spoke, and he tried to act like he was talking to Soda, even though lately he didn't want to tell anyone anything. "Then when Johnny died, and then Dally was killed, it hurt to take a deep breath, like I didn't deserve it. They fought for me. They were my brothers, really. They had my back, made sure I was safe, even though they had their own sets of problems. But that seemed to get better eventually too. It didn't hurt quite as much to think about them, didn't absorb every thought in my head every day. And then when I saw what happened at the DX and Soda—" His voice broke. "I just couldn't focus anymore, I couldn't hide because it was all right in front of me all over again. I started having nightmares again and it didn't matter where I was or if Soda was there or not, they just kept getting worse and worse. Most of the time they are about the first fire, the one that killed Johnny, but it's different, I'm the only one in the church and Johnny is fine and Soda is there and they are both laughing. They wanted me dead. So I feel like maybe it would be better if I were the one who died. That things would have played out so differently. Maybe Soda wouldn't have been working an extra shift at the DX so that he could help pay for my college and get out of the house because looking at me reminds him of the fact that Johnny isn't here anymore and I am. Maybe Darry could have gotten a real degree and been happier with how his life turned out. But because I'm here, because I started it all, no one can really truly move on. Everything I love seems to get taken from me in some way and all because I walked out that door over some stupid—" Pony paused to catch his breath and get his bearings. "Maybe if it had been me things like this wouldn't keep happening, maybe I'm just tearing everything apart all over again."