Disclaimer: I own nothing.

WARNING: This chapte contains talk of drug use (cocaine). Later in the chapter, one of the characters use (I don't explain their process, just that it's obvious through their attitude). If this offends you, upsets you, or is too sensitive for you to handle, please don't read this.

December.

Confused.

January.

Bitter.

February.

Heartbroken.

March.

Angry.

April.

Numb.

Numb. Yes. That's what I was. Again. Welcome back my old friend.

I sighed loudly and shut the heavy wooden door with a loud thump. I locked it securely, jiggling the handle to make sure it was indeed locked. After I sufficiently locked up my piece of shit studio apartment, I trudged down the stairs. I stopped on the landing and looked out the small, prison like window. The snow had melted, the weather was warming, the sun was shining. A gray, baren winter was making way for a bright, fertile spring.

How I loathed this place.

I walked the rest of the way down the steps and turned towards my mailbox. I stared at it blankly. I checked it about once a month; no one ever sent me anything. No one, besides my parents and Alice Cullen, knew where I lived.

White peeked through the small holes in my rusty golden mail slot. I sighed deeply; today just couldn't get any worse, could it? This mailbox was a portal of bad news. I placed the small key into the lock and turned. One lone letter, addressed to me in Alice's hand writing, sat waiting, begging for me to open it. I stuffed it deep inside my messenger bag and walked hurriedly down the street and to the left. My old truck, rusted and flaming orange, welcomed me. I slammed the door and turned the key. Nothing. I shook my head.

"This isn't happening to me."

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, the only thing I learned in that fucking Lamaze class was how to breathe under stress. I had gone to one, and that was it. Sorry, but I know how to breathe. I don't need to pay you to tell me. I rolled my eyes, pressed my foot on the gas, and voila!

I smiled, content, and pealed out onto the main road. Downtown was a nightmare and I was already late. Why did Mr. Beirs say downtown did was the new and upcoming place to be in Buffalo? Half the time I was afraid for my life, the other half I was lost on these streets that all look the same. Each held a dozen bars, various restaurants, and a museum here or there. Luckily, I decided to talk myself into buying a GPS. Best money ever spent.

I was stuck at a red light, 20 cars back. My head thumped back on the old headrest just as I felt a small kick from inside. I smiled and rubbed my growing belly. It growled and I frowned.

"I just fed you not even an hour ago," I joked, looking down. A loud honk startled me and I moved up in line. Eleven minutes later, we were at a dead halt due to construction. The letter, which had remained in the back of my mind, seemed to be calling my name. I shook my head. What could she want? What bad news was she writing to me this time.

I was so alone in this world. Truly alone.

No Cullen's. No parents. No Edward.

It was mid-January when I opened my mailbox for the very first time since I moved here. Inside sat a simple envelope addressed to me. I was excited, hoping it was from Edward who was begging for me back just so I could reject him. It wasn't.

Bella,

I'm sure you heard of Carlisle's passing. We missed you at the funeral. I understand why you couldn't make it. Jasper and I are the executers of his will. In his will, Bella, he had your name next to the amount of money written on the check. None of us had any bad blood about sending this to you. We all love you so much.

I had no idea, Bella, and I'm so sorry for not realizing it sooner. I know you don't want to hear this, but Edward told us what happened between you two. The fights, the estrangement, and then the makeup of Thanksgiving break. He hasn't said anything about your separation now. He's different, Bella, and frankly, I'm scared.

Edward isn't himself. He broke down at the funeral, broke all of our hearts. He needs something to keep him grounded, but he won't let us help him.

He moved. No one, other than Esme, knows where he is. He talks to her every now and then, but he's drunk half the time. It's breaking her heart. She lost her husband, a daughter, and now a son.

I hope I don't lose touch with you, Bella.

Please, call me when it doesn't hurt anymore.

Alice Brandon Cullen

I couldn't call her. I couldn't write to her. I had heard of Carlisle's passing, but it still hurt. I was sick to my stomach at the amount of money that Carlisle had left to me. I ran back into my apartment and threw up. The very next day, I set up a meeting with an investment banker. She helped me place the money in a safe account for the baby. I left the meeting feeling better.

I processed Edward's absence and realized I was still too confused and angry to care. If I thought about him now and where he might be, I'd wish him dead. But I couldn't do that, not with his child growing inside of me.

It wasn't until late February that I received another letter from Alice. Inside was a rather thick manila envelope with a stack of papers clipped together. On the outside was a simple sticky note that read "I'm sorry" in Alice's perfect handwriting. Confused, I opened it and nearly crumpled in defeat. The first letter I read was from Edward's lawyer stating he wanted a divorce. The next pages were filled with empty words I didn't read. I simply signed on the designated lines and called it a day. I called my marriage, our marriage, a day.

I couldn't help but feel sick, empty, and confused. Sick because of the constant growing lump under my shirt. Yes, his child was growing inside of me. Empty because all I've known was just taken from me. I no longer belonged to the Cullen family, as if I ever did. Confused because Edward and I had spoken two words since the day he left for Forks by advice of his quack therapist. That was, inevitably, the breaking of us. I should have fought harder. I should have done something! Instead, I practically gave him green light for separation, and ultimately divorce.

When I went home in March to visit my parents, I legally changed my name back to Swan, trying to forget everything I've known about him. That's when I felt the kick. I was in my mom's car, sobbing over the steering wheel when I felt the kick, the very first kick. Life was growing inside of me.

"Here we are, baby," I cooed, rubbing my belly as I walked into the beautiful library in Williamsville. This town was nice, quaint, and snobby. The shops were cute. The restaurants were pricey. The men were loaded.

"Hey Ang," I whispered, walking into the library. Angela was a pretty librarian clerk, my age, and completely in love with one of the professors who taught a developmental English course here in the spring.

"Bella, what are you doing here so early?" she asked, her eyebrows pinching together.

"I have a 9 a.m. Tyler Crowley, right?"

She lifted a few sheets to find her calendar and then nodded. "Right, right, sorry. I must be losing my mind…"

"Or maybe it's all that hot, hot sex you're having with Ben?"

"Bella, please! This is a library!"

I looked around, there was hardly anywhere here. I rolled my eyes and meant to leave as Angela called me again.

"Yes?"

"Mr. Beirs would like to talk with you. He said to send you in when you got here."

I nodded, glancing down at my watch. I had fifteen minutes until I had to meet with Tyler. I trudged up the stair case to the left of the library and walked down an open hall, overlooking the whole floor. At the very end was Mr. Beirs' office. I knocked softly.

"Come in," he called.

"You asked to see me, Mr. Beirs?" Being around him always made me antsy. I'm not sure why though, he was always nothing but nice to me.

"Oh, yes, hello Miss Swan. How's everything going?"

"Oh, everything's fine," I answered only half honestly.

"How's that old truck running?"

"It's still running," I joked.

"And the apartment?"

"It's good. A little cramped, but I can certainly make do. Thanks again, Mr. Beirs, for everything. Without your help, I'd have never been able to find an apartment, a car, and a job all by myself."

"No need to thank me, Isabella. Carlisle had nothing but wonderful things to say to you."

I smiled. I missed Carlisle. It deeply saddened me to know that such an extraordinary man had been plucked so easily from this earth. Mr. Beirs and Carlisle were longtime friends. His death didn't come as a shock to my boss, but it still caused pain. On December 13th, Mr. Beirs received a call from the family letting him know Carlisle had passed in his sleep the night before. The wake and funeral were held a few days later. I wanted so bad to go, but I couldn't. I'd feel too out of place. That's what Edward wanted anyways.

"If you need anything, anything at all, call Esme. She'll relay the message back to me, okay? I promise, this will be the best thing that ever happened to us. Until then, Isabella, you'll be in my thoughts."

I balled my hands into tight fists, resisting the urge to punch something.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" Mr. Beirs asked, point to my belly.

I placed a hand gently on my growing bump and rubbed soothing circles. "I find out at my next appointment in two weeks."

"Any names picked out?"

I chuckled softly. "Phineas for a boy. Grace for a girl."

"Wonderful names, Isabella. Both are strong and hold a certain amount of respect."

I nodded. "Yes, they do, don't they?"

His smile was kind as he leaned back in his chair. I turned to leave as he spoke again. "Oh, Isabella? My son's coming by today, if you see him will you send him up?"

"Oh no, he's not in trouble again, is he?" I joked. His son, Riley Beirs, was the oldest trouble maker I knew.

"How a thirty one year old can cause such a commotion, it beats me."

With the promise of reporting his son to his office, I left.

I sat at our usual table and watched as the minute hand ticked away. By 9:32, I had had it. I huffed and pushed my chair in roughly. I walked up the stairs, into my make shift office, pulled out his file, and knocked angrily on Mr. Biers' door.

"Come in," he answered gruffly.

"He's a no show… again! Honestly, Mr. Beirs, if I can't trust that he'll make it on time then I'm just going to cancel his sessions all together! I can't be wasting my time on a kid who refuses to pass tenth grade English!" I was livid.

"I presume we're talking about Mr. Crowley?" he asked, leaning forward, grabbing the folder out of my hands.

"Yeah, that punk missed three sessions in the past two weeks. He's not sick, he's just lazy!"

"His brother died in gang shooting last night, Miss Swan, that's why he didn't show up."

I was stunned, my mouth agape. "Oh," I said slowly.

"His mother called earlier this morning, it must have slipped by me. Forgive me, I have a lot on my mind."

"Is he… okay?" I was truly concerned now. Tyler was not one to open up, but when I asked him to write me a paragraph about the single most important person in his life, he chose his brother. Courage, honor, trust, and loyalty were just some of the adjectives he used to describe his brother. Simple, compound, and complex sentences quickly turned into a brief release for Tyler. I asked him to show his brother. I hoped now that he listened to me.

"Can anyone be okay at seventeen if their brother was just murdered?"

I nodded solemnly. "Fair enough."

I walked down the stairs to find Riley brushing a piece of Angela's hair behind her ear. She giggled and blushed before snapping away when she saw me coming. I rolled my eyes.

"What would Ben think?" I mock antagonized Angela. "And you, mister man, what have you gotten yourself into this time?"

Riley chuckled and palmed my belly. "I think she's been reading too many "How to be a Mommy" books," he whispered to Angela. "And why's this thing so pointed? Is that normal? I mean, Kim was never this big at what…?"

"Five months."

"Yeah, she was never this big at five months."

Defensively I explained, "It's because I'm so short. I have a shorter mid-section causing my belly to extend further than normal. It's perfectly safe."

"Sounds like you read that right out of the book, Mommy dearest." He flicked my forehead playfully.

"You should know better than to provoke a pregnant woman, Riley."

"Oh, shit, you're right. Kim was such a bitch when she was pregnant."

Kim, his ex-wife, was a bitch, I'll give him that. However, I wanted to add yeah, but your little stint with cocaine certainly didn't help anything, but I didn't. I just offered a tight lipped smile and told him his dad was looking for him. Riley rolled his eyes and stalked up the stairs.

"He's handsome," Angela said dreamily.

"Yeah, if you're into that whole bad boy, brooding, mysterious, drug abusing thing."

"Drug abusing? What do you mean?"

"Really? You don't know?" Angela shook her head. "Well, you know how the walls upstairs are paper thing, right?" She nodded. "My little office," which was basically just a large closet, "is next to Mr. Beirs and I heard him yelling at someone one day in January. I was still fairly new and I didn't want to get in trouble, so I stayed put and waited for the reaming to be done with. It lasted two hours. Apparently Riley had a pretty hard time with the miscarriage Kim had before his daughter now. That was three years ago.

He started messing with pills, pot, and then I guess it just escaladed into harder drugs like cocaine. Sad, but true. He used for two years and Kim stayed with him through it. He finally cleaned his act up and Kim got pregnant again. I guess he was still dealing with all the emotional shit and he started using again. When his daughter was born, he cleaned himself up, but Kim wanted nothing to do with him. They divorced and he only sees his daughter once a week for three hours until he's been clean for 360 consecutive days."

"But his daughters two now?"

"Yeah, he's still been using."

Angela gasped, covering her mouth in surprise. "That's tragic."

"No," I disagreed with a shrug, "that's life."

After I met with the students I tutored, I packed up and agreed to meet Angela at the Village Grille at 5 when she got off. It was nearing 4, so I decided to leave my truck and walk down the street to some of the shops and that's when I remembered it.

"Shit, the letter," I cursed under my breath. I found a bench outside a coffee shop and crossed my legs. I placed my finger under the lip and cut it open.

Two pages written in black ink blurred my vision. I held the first one up and started reading.

Bella,

Thank you for calling me last month. I'm sorry I haven't gotten a chance to visit your new home in New York, I bet it's lovely. Tell me about it? Do you like your job? I think taking that job on such a short notice was the best thing to ever happen to you. Look at it this way, had you not taken it, you'd still be back in Chicago alone, not getting anywhere or progressing. I don't mean to be frank, but someone has to say this to you, someone who knows you and what you and Edward went through. True, I don't know the full details, but I know enough.

Jasper and I just wanted to write and wish you a Happy Easter. I wish for nothing more than to have my family back together. Jazz and Em are pretty broken up over Edward's disappearance. I keep telling them that he handles devastation a lot more different than other people.

He's gone, you know. I told you before, but this time not even Esme knows. His apartment phone has been disconnected and his cell phone just goes straight to voicemail. Esme, of course, is shattered. No one knows what to make of this. Before, we all just thought it was an act of defiance. We thought he just needed time alone. This time, it's serious. His business was sold to this highest bidder, Bella. The company that Carlisle single handedly built from the ground up is gone. I still have my share, but it's not the same.

That's not even half of it though, Bella. Esme got a forwarded letter from your house in Chicago (I guess someone's watching the mail and forwarding it to him?) addressed to Edward. Esme opened it and she said it was a court sentencing for driving drunk in Miami, Florida. The court date is scheduled for June. If he doesn't show, he has the potential to serve time in jail. I know you probably couldn't care less, but his family is devastated.

I'm on your side, Bella. I've had enough of his shit to last a lifetime. How you put up with it for so long is just an angel's work. That's what you were to him, you know. You were his temporary angel. You kept him grounded, level headed, on his toes at all time. He ruined it. But thanks, from the bottom of our hearts. Jazz says hi. He also wishes you the best of luck in your new life. Don't worry; your secret is safe with me. I haven't told a soul.

Please, call me. I would love nothing more than to talk with you again.

Alice Brandon Cullen

On the back of the letter was a colored picture of Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Edward's and my name filled the space above each character. Mickey and Minnie were holding hands as Mickey leaned in for a kiss.

At the bottom, in Alice's writing, was the date, April 17th, 2011. Under that was a heart with Austin's name that read To Aunt Belly.

I cried a little, not much, but I still shed tears. It had been so long since I felt anything towards them. I looked at Alice and the Cullens merely as a family friend I kept in touch with. I tried my damnedest to forget about Edward, but how silly was that? His son or daughter, our son or daughter was growing inside of me right now. I shook my head. This was neither the time nor the place for such a scene. I neatly tucked the letter back into its envelope and into the darkest crevice of my messenger bag. Perhaps I'd forget about it.

"Hey stranger," a confident voice whispered in my ear as two hands covered my eyes.

"Hey Riley," I said, dismissing his hands from in front of my face.

"How'd you know it was me?" he asked.

"I know your smell."

He let out a loud chuckle, throwing his head back, and slamming his flat palm on the table. "And what's that, B?"

"You smell like you smoked a pack of cigarettes and then tried to mask the scent with axe."

"Doesn't sound like a good combo when you put it that way." I could hear his eye roll. He chose the seat to my left at the four person table, and started flipping through the menu.

"Where's Angela?" I asked, checking my watch. "She's never late."

"Probably out fucking that teacher boyfriend of hers."

"Riley," I warned, looking at him. His black leather jacket shined under the lights, making his white shirt even crisper. His jaw was tense and then he ground back and forth slowly. "Why are you doing that?"

"What?" he asked, never taking his eyes off the menu. He ground his teeth together again.

"That!"

"What the fuck are you talking about, Bella?" he snapped, looking up at me. I gasped at what I saw. His eyes, once a pristine ocean of blue, were lost in the black orbs.

"Holy shit," I whispered, "your eyes are… bl-black."

His face nearly softened, his eyes stayed cold, he wore a confident smirk. "So what if they are, Bella?"

"You're high, aren't you? You're fucking high. I can't even believe this. You're such a piece of-"

I didn't have time to finish my degrading sentence as his hand, a thumb on one cheek and his fingers on the other, grabbed my face. "Don't. You. Dare," he whispered angrily.

"Let go of me," I warned slowly.

"Or what?" he spat, roughly releasing my face, "gonna get knocked up again by some loser who doesn't even want you or your kid after it's done?"

"Go fuck yourself," I seethed. "And while you're at it," I added, leaning down to whisper in his ear, "maybe you could find the good Riley. The one whose daughter means more to him than his coke does. You sorry disgrace for a father."

I walked the short distance back to the library, pissed beyond belief. How dare he say that to me, about me, about my child! What a dick!

"Angela!" I yelled into the phone once she picked up.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

"What's wrong? Did you forget we were supposed to meet for dinner?"

"Riley said that you said you had cancelled. There was some kind of emergency or something."

"Why would he say that?" I asked aloud, more to myself than her.

"I don't know," she answered simply.

"It was rhetorical," I shot back. "Look, I'm just going to go. I'll see you tomorrow." I hung up as I reached my car.

The ride back was long and boring. Too much traffic. Too much construction. I hated this town.

Later that night, with the moon spilling through exposed window of the studio apartment, I let myself cry. Tonight I'd indulge in this once. I spilled empty, nothingness tears for the Cullen family, especially Esme who, bless her heart, was losing her family one by one. I spilled empty, nothingness tears for single mothers everywhere, single fathers who did it on their own, children out there with broken homes, drug addicts struggling to find peace, my baby who may never know his or her dad, and Edward. I spilled the emptiest tears for Edward. I briefly wondered where he was and did the only thing I could do to help, I prayed.

Dear God,

It's me, Isabella Cull-… Isabella Swan… Uh, I know it's been a little while since we last spoke, but I don't think you got my last request, so I'll add this one to it.

Please, please, please allow Esme peace.

Please, please, please tell Carlisle I miss him and that I love him and that I'm so, so, so fucking sorry for missing his funeral… am I allowed to say fuck? Whoops, I just did it again. Sorry.

Please, please, please give Alice and Jasper the best life they can. We both know they're your very own angels sent down to earth to protect.

Please, please, please give Austin my love. I miss him. Oh, and make sure he knows Edward misses him too, because I know he does.

Please, please, please take the stick out of Rosalie's ass. I know it's slowly coming out, but I know she blames this on me. I can read it between the lines of Alice's letters. Oh, and please give Emmett the daughter he wants. He'd make the best daddy to a sweet little girl.

Please, please, please give Riley the strength to overcome his addiction. He's missing too much of his daughter's life. It breaks my heart.

And last, please, please, please keep Edward safe. As much as I curse him dead, I don't mean it… Oh God! I mean…Oh, Jesus- Lord, whatever! You know I don't really want him dead. I'm just sad. Sad and confused.

Please help me find my way again.

Thank you,

Isabella Marie Sawn.

Okay, so don't hate me yet. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I told you that the story was only just beginning. Have a little faith. Hope you stick around to find out what really happened between E and B.

Not everything will be resolved right away, and you may be confused here and there, but the pieces will start to come together soon enough.

Anyways! Leave me a review, tell me what you're thinking :)