The party members in the castle worked their way down to the village to meet up with Sten and Lodan. They then started on their way towards Denerim in order to find Brother Genitivi and clues to where the ashes might be to heal Arl Eamon. Railan wasn't certain they would actually find the ashes and this could just be a wild goose chase, but he was willing to try at least for Alistair's sake.
When they reached the river they decided to stop for the day and set up camp. They had found a large field that was clear of darkspawn and would allow them to have a relatively quiet evening, which they would all be grateful for.
That evening Railan sat by the bank of the river, his head resting on his knees. The river churned in front of him and the cool breeze coming off of the river made him shudder. The last week weighed heavily on him and right now he wasn't sure how he could continue on with their mission. He felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest and been gnawed on by darkspawn. He squeezed his eyes shut as another sob ripped through him with a shake.
The mage heard footsteps behind him but was to the point that he did not care. Tears streaked down his cheeks and yet he couldn't bring himself to care who saw. He knew it made him look weak but right now, he felt weak. Weak and young; in most cases it would have been at least five years after his harrowing till they would have had him leave the tower and even then it would be escorted by a half dozen Templars. No one here seemed to notice or care that he was young as long as he made the important decisions that they didn't want to make.
Someone quietly sat down beside Railan, but he kept his eyes shut. He did not want to see anyone right now; he just could not find his voice to tell the person to leave. They sat in the quiet of nature for some time. Time mattered very little to the mage at this point.
"I am so sorry," Alistair whispered, finally breaking the silence.
"Alistair, you really need to stop apologizing," Railan snorted, as he remembered how many timed before that the almost templar said those very same words.
"Okay, then let me thank you. You went out of your way to save Eamon's family, and you didn't have to, but you did anyway. I really appreciate it, thank y-."
"It's alright Alistair," Railan interrupted. "I just…I can't…I don't know." He let out a breath and with it another sob.
Railan felt Alistair put a hand on his shoulder. He knew the other man was trying to console him but part of him did not want to be consoled. That part of him felt he deserved every bit of pain that came with what had happened.
"Don't," the mage said harshly. With a sigh he frowned; he had no right to snap at the warrior. Truly he had only himself to blame for where he was right now. Trying again he began softer, "Alistair." Railan paused and took a couple of deep breaths trying to calm down and lifted his head. "Thank you. You've been so great; I do not know how I would have made it through everything without you."
"You are welcome," Alistair said, his confusion clear in his voice, "but I have not done anything to deserve your thanks. I just tend to follow you around."
"No you do far more than that," Railan smiled at the warrior. The mage let out another sigh before he spoke again, "When Duncan took me from the tower, I was so afraid. I was scared that I would do something wrong and I would hurt someone. Then I met you, and I know most mages wouldn't agree with me but it has helped having a templar around." He put up his hand to stop Alistair when he opened his mouth to interrupt. "I know, I know, you never took your vows but at least if something happened to me or if I lost control I know you could stop me."
"Hmm, I guess that makes sense. I always wondered why you were alright with me when most other mages disliked my background," Alistair chuckled softly.
"I've never had a problem with the templars; if anything I've always felt safer around them. I have always been in fear of losing control of my abilities," Railan sighed and realized that there were tears in his eyes again. He knew this wouldn't be easy but he had to get through it. "I don't think anyone had a chance to tell you about my past before we left Ostegar."
Railan stared out at nothing his eyes foggy in memories when he began, "I was taken to the tower sixteen years ago. They thought I was maybe three or four years old at the time but I have no memories of any time before then. I just know that I woke up in the tower and was told I would be safe. No one there knew my name; they gave me some time but I never knew what name I had before. The templar who brought me there named me Railan. I was never told what happened and maybe no one knew exactly what happened; however, there were always rumors and whispers from mages and templars alike. The most I ever figured out was that when they found me the village I was in had been completely destroyed, and everyone was dead except for me. There were signs of magical use and the veil was torn. Luckily there were no demons around. Under normal circumstances the templars would have just killed me on sight but the one who found me stepped in preventing them from killing a child. He took me to the tower so that I could be trained." The weight lifted off his shoulders as the words tumbled out of his mouth. Railan frowned and furrowed his brow, "I wish I could remember his name." He let out another sigh, "So that's why I tend to be afraid of my own abilities and because of that templars make me feel safer."
Railan smiled softly and winked at Alistair. He was pleasantly surprised when the other man blushed. He brushed the tears from his cheeks and knew that he really needed to tell Alistair the rest of his story. He owed the almost templar that much.
"Thank you," Railan looked down at the water as it flowed past. "This past week has been the hardest that I've ever had. And I know you would haven't asked but you deserve to have answers."
Railan hunched forward wrapping his arms around his knees; he stared at nothing in particular. "What you saw between me and Jowan in the dungeon was only a part of what was going on between the two of us. During the sixteen years I was in the tower, I had very few close friends. I had always been quiet, being afraid of what one is capable of can cause that," he smirked at the words he used having been told that same thing by the elder mages regularly. "Jowan and I were more than just friends though. I loved him and at one point I would have said that he loved me too."
Railan didn't expect this news to be a surprise since Alistair had seen their performance in the dungeon. He glanced at Alistair out of the corner of his eye trying to gauge the templar's reaction to what he was hearing. He could not tell if it was concern or confusion on the other's face. I will have to clarify for the little chantry boy, he thought to himself.
"We had been lovers for several years, when he came to me one day and said he was in love with a woman. Part of me had thought that he had made her up, especially when he continued to come to me some nights. I knew that the other nights he was spending with her. I became even more reclusive. No one really noticed, except for one templar, Cullen. He was very kind and let me talk about my problems with him." Railan smiled sadly at the memories, "There are times you remind me of him."
"Cullen? He was the one we met at the tower?" Alistair asked skeptically.
"Yes, although I would not say that he was the same person I knew before. An ordeal like that changes a person; I cannot even fathom what he had to endure on top of watching everyone he knew fall. But back when the tower was home, he had been one of the nicest templars there."
"Then came the day that I was summoned for my Harrowing. I had been nervous not because of the test, I knew I could face whatever they threw at me but I was worried about losing control. Cullen had been the templar chosen to strike me down if something went wrong and I trusted him completely. Afterward he stopped me and praised me for how well I had done. I think a piece of me loved him, even though I knew nothing could ever happen but he was one of the few people in the tower who showed me genuine compassion. I never knew that he had shared those feelings for me till we were at the tower, but still he was a good templar and would never have let anything happen between us."
"However, after speaking with him, Jowan came to me and asked for a favor. That was when he introduced me to Lilly; she was a sister in the tower. She had found out that they had intended to make Jowan tranquil. They asked for my help to flee the tower, and even though I knew I should not, I helped them. We were caught leaving the basement after destroying his phylactery. That was when Lilly and I found out that Jowan used blood magic," Railan swallowed hard, he felt Jowan's betrayal threatened to drown him once again. Tears stung his eyes and he blinked them back so he could finish.
"I can understand why some mages turn to blood magic. They are usually the ones who hate the templars as much as some templars hate mages. Blood magic is the only magic that is truly free from templar control. For now at least till someone figures out a way to stop that too. Templars hadn't always had the abilities that they do today. Necessity to control mages led to developing those talents. But now I've sidetracked from what had happened at the tower.
"Jowan used the blood magic to knock back the templars and he ran. The templars took Lilly to Aonar, probably would have taken me there as well if Duncan had not stepped in. He actually had to conscript me, because I fought the idea of leaving templar control. I knew the alternative was imprisonment or death but either of those seemed safer in my mind. I told Duncan that the first night when we camped, and I told him of the stories of how the templars had found me. You know what his response was?" Railan turned his head to actually look at Alistair, and saw him shake his head slightly. "'I trust you,' was all he said. I remember I whispered, 'Why should you? I do not even trust me.' I did not sleep at all that night for fear that I would not be able to hold off the demons that night without having a templar nearby."
"So that's my story, I am sorry; I should have told you sooner. An unstable mage is never a good thing, and you should have known how much I depend on you to stop me if I ever lose control."
Railan felt Alistair put his arm around his shoulder, and he let himself lean into the embrace resting his head on the templar's shoulder. The tears he had fought back slipping down his cheeks his emotions flooding because of the kind gesture by the other man.
"Thank you," Railan whispered once his sobs stopped shaking through him. "You really are an amazing friend."
"I'll always be here for you, Rain," Alistair whispered in return.
The two men sat there till Railan was able to stop crying. Railan again watched the almost templar before he smiled at the other man. For the first time in the last week he felt safe. He knew that if there was a problem Alistair at least knew what he was expected to do; the weight of his past no longer the heavy burden on his shoulders.