None.
That was exactly how much sleep had gotten.
Literally zero seconds of shut-eye, catching z's, getting forty winks - whatever stupid phrase a person decided to use, the point was Levi had exactly no amount of rest the night before.
Not that it was an surprising occurrence; lord knew insomnia kept him up on a good night, nightmares on a bad one. So when the whole, you know,thing happened - he had been far too worked up to even consider sleep.
Had, instead, scrubbed down the whole fucking apartment until his eyes strained and he considered serious damage, and his hands were suffering from mild chemical burns from the cleaners and raw scratches from the scrubbies.
Because he had known this would happen; had known right from the very first time that they met in that stupid fucking park. And then came the hospital and by the time the chance (planned) meeting at the museum rolled around, and he felt something tugging in the inner recesses of his heart that were called "inner recesses" for a reason, he really should have listened and gotten the hell out of dodge.
He had promised to text the kid last night, and he wanted to - really - but...Goddammit, he was terrified of that. Terrified of what hateful things Eren would have to say,. Terrified of what hateful things he would have to say only to later regret. Terrified of ending things so badly, but even more terrified of patching things up and having to think about their potential taking bloom.
So he left Eren's inbox empty, instead wallowing in his own self-hatred and self-pity and whatever other negative "self" there was out there.
Part of him (most of him) wanted to call in sick, and he debated for a good half-hour whether it would be better to have this confrontation at work and get it over with when people were around, or put it off and hope. Hope that he could regain enough of his bullshitting ability for when Hanji and Erwin inevitably lumbered into his place, not leaving until they knew the gritty details.
It was only decided when trying to cradle his mug against his palm for the heat - instead of the usual way he held it - resulted in aggravating the harrowed skin of his hands even more. Clearly staying home wasn't going to help his physical health, and he doubted his mental health would improve either.
. . .
He could hear Hanji's voice clear cross the building which, on one hand, helped him avoid them. On the other, it filled him with that primal fear borne of anticipation because every time he thought he was safe, their voice got closer and remind him of his impending doom.
Most of his shift had passed without incident - thank god Rico had off because if she got caught sight of him - ! He shuddered to think about it, because while both she and Hanji were equal in persistence, Hanji was annoying whereas Rico was just downright scary.
Even he probably couldn't survive an interrogation.
Of course it had to be in those final moments when he thought that maybe - just maybe - things were looking up, and he'd escaped the unleashing of the Spanish Inquisition, that Hanji came silently bounding out of nowhere, catching him in a sidetackle.
The only reason they were still upright was due to Levi's quick reflexes and the conveniently placed display.
"Fucking hell, Shitty Glasses," he murmured, hastily wiping off his handprint now staining the glass covering. At least he hadn't broken it. With his luck, he'd either slit his wrists by mistake, or, because fate really hated him, get accused of attempted robbery and go to jail for twenty to life.
"Le-vi!" Each syllable was drawn out gratingly. "I haven't - "
There it was.
The gasp of horror and the cheek pinching of mortification.
"What happened?"
They left him no room to answer, just began dragging him off to the parking lot, giving Erwin a quick call to let them know they'd both be leaving but gracefully not inviting him along.
At least they weren't entirely demonic.
He was all but manhandled into their car - not that he was putting up much of a fight because he learned experience or strength didn't matter when Hanji had a goal. They'd achieve it regardless.
The drive was silent (remember that whole anticipation-induced-fear? Definitely valid) and their driving disconcertingly normal. A brief stop at some convenience store took two minutes - they told him to stay in the car with a mere look - before they came out sporting some ominous plastic bag filled with god-knew-what.
Eventually, they dumped at Hanji's apartment and clamored out of the car, Levi following behind like a cowed child awaiting punishment.
Which was disturbingly accurate, though they didn't know he'd done anything worthy of discipline other than being a fuck-up in general.
It wasn't until they'd flung off their shoes and ushered Levi into their spacious living room that they finally spoke, rustling through their spoils from the store and shoving a pint of icecream at him.
He snorted at that, huffed out an almost-laugh when they went leaping back into the kitchen to grab spoons before tossing themselves onto a couch in that stereotypical chick-flick manner that left them with their legs crossed and their back hunched forward.
"Spill," they stated, already peeling back the plastic seal but giving him no less attention.
He opened his mouth to heave out a deep exhale, and was surprised that a high-pitched mew came out instead.
"Ugly, hush, you can give your two-cents' in a minute," Hanji scolded lightly, lowering their ice-cream tipped spoon to the cat waiting patiently for attention on the floor.
At first, he was just horrified that anyone would share a spoon with an animal when they fully intended to continue using said spoon.
Then he realized what little pest was now perching on the coffee table, and his heart just shattered in two because it was Ugly, the little shit that had caused him to meet the other little shit.
"You kept him?" It was meant to be a question, came out as a soft observation that should not have made him feel like crying for no reason at all.
"Of course, silly," Hanji's voice was just as quiet - quieter maybe? - and they didn't push for the juicy story again. Just ate their ice cream and let Ugly join in, not even sending him a sidelong glance as a prod.
Levi slowly took a taste of his own tub, rolled the creaminess around in his mouth for a few beats before swallowing something else down, too.
"So Eren and I kissed last night," he started abruptly, and if he thought they had lost their shit when they found out he even knew the bright-eyed brat, he was sorely mistaken.
A barely stifled yelp tore through their throat, and they jumped off from the couch so violently Ugly was startled and scurried into the other room.
"You guys kissed?" They echoed incredulously, bearing down on him with baited breath.
"Yes, but don't make it sound like it's such a good thing," he groused back, moodily stabbing his spoon into the chocolatey swirl.
"But it is - " They cut themselves off, knowing Levi needed time to process his thoughts without being interrupted or told what was right or what was wrong.
"I fucked up, Hanji. I'm fucked up," he amended, looking down and feeling the exact opposite of hungry.
"No, sweetie, maybe you moved too fast, but you're not - " They stopped themselves again, but their imploring eyes spoke louder than words anyway.
Levi mulled over what to say and how to say; that had never been his strong suit, in case his shit humor and abrasive personality weren't the first clue.
"I can't give him what he wants. What he deserves," he carded a hand through his hair and rubbed his forehead. "Hanji, you don't know how perfect this brat is. He's an angel, hand to god. And he can do so much better than a bitter old man too - "
Too jaded, he was going to say, but that didn't really do his mental state (or lack thereof) justice.
"I saw this coming a mile away and I tried to stop it, but he's just - ... You ever want something to work so desperately that you ignore the warning signs? Like you're on the train tracks and you hear the whistle and the bells, and the crossing sign is coming down; but you just keep walking? Just keep waltzing on down the tracks even though you know it's only going to kill you, but you think maybe - just maybe - you can get there before it does?"
The silence was heavy, and he wished once again he knew how to phrase things better. But Hanji, bless them, could read him better than maybe even Erwin; was deceptively perceptive for how they portrayed themselves, and answered after a beat,
"We all have. We've all jumped out of a plane without knowing if the chute would actually work, and sometimes it does while others it doesn't."
At least they were keeping up with the shitty transportation metaphors.
"But you have to try, Levi. You have to try or else you'll never see that scenery, or feel that rush, or know that peace when you land safely."
Levi just shook his head woefully, placing another spoonful in his mouth, but tasting little but dirt.
"I shouldn't have agreed to give him my number, or get that present from him - or give that shitty-ass mug - or go to his dumbass movie night, or - "
He cut off his rambling. He didn't do that. Didn't ramble aimlessly until the right words came out. He only spoke if he knew his intent, but, the thing was, right then he had no idea what the fuck he was thinking, much less what to do.
"So what happened exactly?" They questioned in a low tone finally, prodding him to formulate some coherent sentences.
"He invited me to a movie night. I should have said no, but he seemed really sincere - I mean, who the fuck am I kidding? Everything about this brat is sincere - " he snorted " - and I figured it wouldn't hurt to drop by for a few minutes. Before I knew it, I'd had a couple beers. I wasn't drunk! You know I don't get drunk that easily," He added hastily, jerking his chin up to make eye contact and make his point concrete.
They nodded as if he wasn't acting like an ass, and he in turn nodded to himself.
"So, yeah, I was a little tipsy and while everyone else left, he asked me to stay. I should have said no, I only had about a shitton of completely valid excuses to leave, but I'm a fucking idiot and I said yes."
All the air left him as his shoulder sagged, and he shoveled another bite into his mouth more for something to do than because he wanted whatever gay flavor they had bought for him.
They were patiently silent, only prodding him to continue with a gentle toe nudging his knee that they both knew he could easily ignore.
"We were on the couch watching - I mean, fuck, if I know what that shit was - and all of the sudden he was staring at me and, yeah, we kissed like fucking horny teenagers."
His cheeks felt hot and he thought maybe he'd fling himself from their window if only because he was blushing at the thought.
"And?"
Another sigh.
"And I kinda lost my shit and was muttering how fucked up I was and what a mistake I'd made and Eren definitely took it the wrong way. I just haven't decided if that's a good thing or a bad thing."
Even when he was finished with his sad little tale, Hanji didn't say anything. Just thoughtfully sucked on their spoon and absently patted Ugly's head when he came back.
"Why would a misunderstanding be a good thing?" They finally came out with.
"I don't know," he grumbled, feeling stupid enough as it was and most definitely unprepared to be on the receiving end of those type of questions.
"Because you think you'd save him - and yourself - some pain if you just cut it off before it gets serious?"
See? Unnervingly adept at uncovering secret truths.
"I don't know," he repeated even less intelligibly.
"If you were to break it off, don't you think Eren deserves more of an explanation?"
"He'd just argue - "
They raised their voice to override his counter. "Didn't you say he was an angel? Does an angel deserve to be thrown away after making a bold move they'd probably worried over for days - weeks even?"
He stayed silent, and they took that as a cue to continue.
"Isn't it most unfair to leave him feeling guilty and confused and overall shitty because he took a courageous step and you wigged out?"
"I guess," Levi consented, setting his pint on the coffee table and reaching over to scoop Ugly into his lap - hushing his protesting meow that quickly morphed into pleased purrs.
"So there, you admitted you have to at least text him that it wasn't his fault," this was barely understandable as they had crammed basically half of the goddamn container into their mouth, flecks splattering any time they had to flick up their tongue to form a sound. "I mean you really owe him at least a call if not a date - meet up - " They were quick to correct themselves.
"But he needs to know that he didn't do anything wrong, and you sure as hell weren't talking about his perky ass when you said it was a mistake. He needs that reassurance."
"And what if he tries to push the issue? To continue seeing me anyway?" Levi shot back dejectedly, frown tugging down his usually blank features.
"What if? Would that be so bad?"
"Yes," he said instantly, but there was no consideration to those words - just a hurried denial so he wouldn't have to face the prospect of that goddamn fucking potential.
. . .
Two days had passed and Eren still hadn't texted him, so, remembering Hanji's talk that they at least needed to clear some of the air, he shot a simple,
Hey, kid
It took most of his dinner for a response to pop up, being an irate,
I'm not a kid. Is that the problem here?
It's not you, it's me, he almost answered, but that was so stupid and so cliche a piece of his already withered soul would definitely die if he used it, so instead he said,
Of course not. Can we maybe talk? I fucked up
Yeah, you made that pretty clear
The reply came before Levi had even time to set his phone down and all he could do was stare at it. The hurt and the anger poured into the words on the screen, and he could easily picture Eren's scrunched up face, that terrible noise from the night before playing in his ears on some sick version of repeat.
I can promise you that's not what I meant. Please let me explain
No reply.
. . .
The only reason Levi had gotten any amount of sleep that night was due to the sheer exhaustion of getting none the previous days, leaving him passed out (fully clothed) on top of the covers.
The fact his phone was right next to his hand meant nothing other than insurance his alarm would wake him.
His head was fuzzy and his mouth was moth balls and his eyes couldn't pick out shapes, only colors. Limbs sore from the awkward position and neck cricked to the left had his movements sluggish beyond the blanketing fatigue, but he was still quick and functional when he checked his inbox.
Nothing, and he considered that maybe if alcohol wasn't easing any of this maybe a pack of cigarettes would do the trick.
. . .
He'd gone to the drug store on the way to work. Had even looked over the packages to decide which brand he wanted - he'd never been picky himself - before those goddamn blackened lungs filled his vision and he was backing away with wobbly steps.
Erwin was waiting for him in the lobby, dammit. The freedom from Eyebrows he'd enjoyed the passed few days apparently wasn't leaking over to today.
A meaty hand clapped on his shoulder and guided him towards the art department, though Levi wasn't stupid enough to think this was work related.
"Hanji didn't tell me what was wrong, but they did say something was up," His stupidly calm voice started and suddenly they were standing in front of that fucking closet from the couple weeks before.
"I'm not having a conversation with you in the goddamn janitor's - "
"Where then?" Erwin interrupted, looking down on him with an expression that would be condescending were it on anyone else.
Levi gnawed the inside of his cheek, rubbed his forehead - used every tell in his arsenal because, fuck it, he had nothing to hide at that point - before finally consenting.
"Yeah, okay, shithead, we can use this fucking broom closet."
A gay joke was right there again, but whether it was nerves or he was just too lacking in creativity in general, he couldn't figure it out.
Following a fast sprucing up of the place - seriously, the bottom of those buckets had seen actual shit at some point - left them both awkwardly cramped together, knees touching and backs pressing uncomfortably against the metal shelves behind them.
"Does it have something to do with Eren?"
Levi grunted, fingers tapping an idle rhythm against his thigh.
"Something...happened?" He pressed carefully, actually leaning back to give him more space.
"We kissed," Levi blurted out.
The thing with his friends was Hanji could get him to talk, but Erwin could get him to say things.
The tiny space was silent other than his own frustrated sigh.
"I said I fucked up and it was a mistake and all sorts of shit. I think he hates me now," Levi admitted with a quiet honesty.
"Why would you say something so harsh?"
Because it's true, he almost said before thinking better of it. Because everyone else does would only set Eyebrows off more.
So he mulled over his words and worried at his lip and let all of these nervous gesture eek out because Erwin knew most of what was going through his head anyway, and it was tiring to keep up a facade at all times.
"I asked to meet to explain what happened, and he still hasn't replied," he confessed softly, a dejected lilt at the end of his voice that he definitely didn't want there.
"When did you ask?"
"Last night."
That actually got an amused chuckle and a friendly hand on his shoulder.
"Levi, you asked him last night. When did you two kiss again?"
"I don't know, two or three days ago," he commented in a mumble.
"It took you that long to pull your head out of your ass to explain yourself, and yet you're anxious that Eren hasn't replied within a few hours?"
Well, it was more than a few, thank you very much. He wasn't that clingy.
"Shut the fuck up," he blew out the air in his cheeks along with the venomless statement.
"You could have told me what was going on sooner, you know," Erwin told him seriously, blue eyes trying to bore into his own though he refused to meet them.
"Levi."
He didn't say anything.
"Levi," he stressed his name like it mattered, like it was important to gain his attention.
"What?" He snapped.
"Even if this doesn't work with Eren, you know you still have me, right?"
Maybe if he weren't as straight as a goddamn fucking arrow, Levi mused knowing full well that wasn't what Captain America meant but unable to confront the veracity of the remark head on.
"Yeah, yeah, okay, whatever," he finally muttered, getting up and dusting off real (imaginary) dust from his ass.
"Now," he began as they went back into the hallway. "If only we could get you to come out of the other closet."
Erwin laughed and placed a gentle hand on the small of his back, and Levi wondered how they could have such a meaningless conversation yet have him feeling at least a thousand percent better.