-Eleven-

The Waters of Avalon

Liz was beginning to feel the awkward tension that came with taking a road trip with someone you didn't know well. Of course she did know Merlin well. She just didn't remember that she knew him. They chatted idly for an hour or so but then the conversation had dwindled and they had lapsed into silence for the last two hours. There were still three hours to go, and they had not only run out of things to talk about, but they had listened to the same CD three times.

"Are you hungry?" Merlin asked suddenly.

Liz realized that she hadn't eaten at all today. "Yeah," she said. "I could go for lunch. Or breakfast. Or food in general."

Merlin pulled over in the next town they passed through and stopped at a diner. After they had sat down, Liz turned back to the subject of Camelot. "So most of the history we know," she motioned around her to indicate the rest of the world, "is inaccurate."

"Pretty much. Although a lot of stuff that you would have thought was crazy is actually true."

"Like the whole magic aspect."

"Yeah, that."

"I guess it doesn't sound totally insane." Liz bit into a chip.

"Just as crazy as reincarnation." Merlin's lips quirked up in a smile.

"What are you going to do when Arthur comes back?" Liz asked. "Is the world in danger or something outside of the usual chaos?"

"It was said that Arthur would rise again when Camelot's need was greatest."

"But Camelot is a pile of rubble now, right? How can it be in need?" Liz couldn't imagine the world being ready for King Arthur to return and save it.

"Camelot itself might be gone, but it still lives on in legends and stories. There's got to be something we're missing. Something we don't know yet."

"It sounds to be like everyone is suddenly waking up in the twenty first century with no idea who they are or what their purpose is. Except you because you were never gone." She assumed he was immortal. He had to be to look so young still. "But that man who asked if I was Ryll – he knew who I really was."

"We have no idea who else could be out there or what they know. It's been three years since the second coming began."

"Prophecies have a habit of being vague, don't they?"

"Yeah. And destinies." Merlin sighed

"What must it have been like to have waited nine hundred years and then still not know what you're supposed to do?" Liz would go insane. She couldn't imagine living that many years and still hoping.

"It's tough," Merlin said. "And frustrating. But I feel better now that I've found you."

"For what it's worth, I'm glad you did. I kept getting this feeling that I was missing something in my life. Missing a part of me. Now I feel like I have some purpose even if I don't remember any of this."

"You will."

"How do you know that?" she asked.

Merlin frowned. "I just do," he said. "Why would you come back and not be able to ever remember where you came from?"

"Beats me. I'm still trying to process the fact that I was alive nine hundred years ago."

They fell silent for a moment, and then Liz asked, "If it was my destiny to die before, do you think it will be again?"

A pained look passed over Merlin's face. "I'm not going to let you die," he said. "Arthur had his life because of you and now you deserve to have yours. Will you promise me something?" he asked. "Promise me that whatever happens, whatever you find out, you will tell me and you won't go off and do anything on your own. Please." His eyes were desperate, and Liz realized just how much she'd frightened him in her past life.

"I promise."

"I'm serious. You didn't tell me that you were destined to give your life until a day before that final battle. Even though it was me you ended up sacrificing yourself for and not Arthur, you kept so much from me."

"I'm sorry," Liz said, reaching across the table to take his hand. He jumped at the touch and looked down at their hands. "I promise not to keep anything from you this time. If you promise to do the same. This time I think you have the upper hand in knowledge."

"I promise." He brought his eyes up to hers.

"You just have been…it must have been hard," she finished, struggling for the right words.

"I was devastated." He held her gaze, his blue eyes intense. His hand tightened around hers.

"You really loved me," she said, realizing just how much that was true.

"I still do." She blinked in surprise. His blue eyes were wide and met hers unblinkingly.

Liz looked away first. "You love Ryll," she said. "Liz is different."

"A little. But you'll remember being Ryll again."

"And what if I don't? I'm sorry, but Liz doesn't have feelings for Merlin. Ryll might and when I remember, if I remember being her, I'm sure she'd still feel the same way, but I can't just make myself have feelings for you. I hardly know you. I'm sorry." The words came out sounding harsher than she'd meant.

"You don't have to apologize. I'm not asking for you to love me. Just to trust me."

"How did we fall in love anyway?" Liz asked.

"It just sort of happened," Merlin said, shrugging. "At first you were interested in Arthur, but we kept getting closer. We got to be good friends, and I guess somewhere, without either of us knowing, it became something more. Before you went down to face Uther, before he sentenced you to be banished, I kissed you. It was sort of a spur of the moment thing. I don't know what shocked me more – the fact that I actually was brave enough to kiss you or the fact that you kissed me back."

Liz smiled. "That's really cute. I wish I remembered. It's like hearing someone else's love story."

"I know."

"What happened between Arthur and me then? Were we ever in love?" Now that was a crazy thought.

"I don't think so. You both sort of realized that nothing could ever happen – that was before you knew you were of noble blood. But you stayed good friends. You were more like brother and sister after awhile, always teasing him. After Morgana betrayed everyone, you bonded even more with Arthur. He needed a sister figure, and he'd lost Morgana. You were a great comfort to him and to Gwen."

"And Gwen was Morgana's maid? But she married Arthur? In all the legends, she's a lady. I like this twist. It's so much more romantic."

"Gwen was an amazing woman. She was so kind and just. She stood up for what she believed in and brought out the best in people. Arthur loved her so much. There was a time when they didn't think they would ever be able to marry, but then after Arthur became king, it was possible."

"That's so romantic," Liz said. "Things like that just don't happen anymore. Do you think Gwen will come back too? I'd like to meet her, well, Liz would like to meet her."

"I don't know. I hope so. Arthur would be lost without Gwen."

"Tell me honestly. Do you think Morgana has a chance to change?" Liz asked. "Morgan is just so frightened of who she was. I don't think she could ever be evil, but Morgana didn't sound at all evil at the beginning. She was just frightened too."

"I hope so. You two were inseparable before. I wonder sometimes if Morgause brainwashed her. She changed so much after she returned to Camelot. She was so bitter and hateful. She'd turned against everyone even her friends. She tried to kill Arthur and me multiple times and eventually succeeded in killing Uther."

"If she doesn't meet Uther in this life time then she has no reason to change."

"We can't blame Uther for everything. Morgana made her own choices. I wonder sometimes if I had told her about my magic, if she could have known that she wasn't alone, if that would have made a difference."

"You shouldn't play the 'what if' game. It never leads to an answer," Liz said. "I would know. Anyway, she knows now. She was horrified to learn what she had done in the past. Maybe that knowledge will put her on the right path this time. I'm certainly not going to let her turn into an evil sorceress again."

"I'm not even sure how her magic will present itself in this life."

"But you still have your magic?" she asked him.

"Yes, but it's diminished over time for some reason. I haven't figured out why. I don't have much reason to use it anymore to be honest."

"And me?" Liz asked. "Do I still have powers?" The thought of that frightened her. She glanced at the other occupants in the diner to make sure no one was listening, but they were all wrapped up in their own food and conversations.

"I'm not sure," Merlin said, watching her carefully. "Have you ever done anything you couldn't explain?"

Liz thought back and then shook her head. "I don't think so, but then again, I haven't lived a very long life so far." She laughed. "This whole thing is just messed up."

"Hopefully once we reach the island everything will become clear," he said.

"Then let's go," Liz said, suddenly feeling the intense need to get it over with. They tossed the wrappers and empty ketchup packets away and got into Merlin's car. They spent most of the ride in silence, each wrapped up in their own thoughts. The farmland gave way to trees and shade. Merlin took an abandoned looking road that led deeper into the forest. A river cut through the forest and, as the trees thinned out, Liz could see a lake shimmering behind the trunks.

"Is that Avalon?" she asked. Something stirred in her mind – a familiarity. Something like coming home.

"Lake Avalon, yes," Merlin replied. She noticed that his hands were gripping the steering wheel tightly. She looked back at the lake and, as they crossed over a bridge, she saw the island. It sat at the very center of the lake. The tree line ended on the southern bank, allowing a small stretch of grassland to lead down into the water. Merlin drove down a dirt road and parked in the grass. He shut off the engine.

"Welcome to Avalon," he said.

Liz stared at the water in wonder. Merlin was gazing at her as if he had hoped that the sight of the lake and the island would spark some memory. "This is where I laid you to rest after…after you died. Byron too," he said.

Liz's stomach twisted uncomfortably at the thought of being dead. Her body had floated across this very water. "I remember this place," she said softly. "I've seen it over and over in my dreams. I've drawn it."

The water reflected in Merlin's blue eyes, and Liz could see the emotion behind them. She knew he was remembering her death. "Do you remember anything else?" he asked hopefully. She shook her head.

"Have I been here before? When I was alive?" she asked.

He nodded. "You visited the Sidhe once when you were trying to learn who you really were. They drew a dark magic out of you – the magic left over by the Shadow Wraith. That's when you learned of your destiny. When you learned you were going to die." His voice caught on the last word, and she felt the urge to comfort him. Instead she cleared her throat and turned her eyes back to the island.

"So how do we get across?" she asked.

"There should be a boat waiting," he said.

She lifted a brow. "Like a magical boat?"

"Yes. I enchanted it so it would be there when it was time to find Arthur." He started walking along the edge of the lake. She hurried after him. "Only a person with magic can find it."

"So you said only I can set foot on the island because I'm descended from the Sidhe, correct?"

"Right."

"But if I'm with you, you'll be able to set foot there too?"

"I think so."

"You think? What happens if it doesn't work?" she asked.

"Then I'd die. But I don't think that will happen."

"How can you be so sure?" she asked. He sounded awfully confident for someone who might die just for setting foot on an island.

"I've read a lot on the subject," he said. "Only a Sidhe can grant access to Avalon. Since you have Sidhe blood in you, you can grant me access. Also I'm immortal. That might make a difference."

"But I don't know anything about the Sidhes… I certainly don't remember being part Sidhe." She wasn't even sure if she knew what a Sidhe was.

"It's in your blood. That's what counts. It's where your magic came from…" Merlin trained off, his gaze focused on something hidden in the reeds.

"Look," he said, pointing. "The boat."

They pushed it free with some branches that had broken off one of the nearby trees. It bobbed gently in the shallows as if waiting for them to get in. Liz felt a sudden urge to run straight back to Merlin's black sedan and lock herself in. "Let's go," she said instead.

They managed to both get into the boat without getting wet. There were no oars, so Merlin said a quick incantation and the boat began to move of its own accord. His eyes glowed amber again for a quick moment, and Liz found it both unsettling and oddly hypnotic. "Did my eyes glow like that too?" she asked.

"Not all the time," he said. "When you used your elemental powers for water and air, your eyes just seemed to glow blue, but when you used your powers for earth and fire, especially fire, they would glow amber. You were different."

"Because of the Sidhe blood in me?"

"Probably. Elemental magic came so naturally to you. Very few sorcerers can harness that kind of power without much effort. It came almost too naturally to you."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

He glanced at her. "You had trouble controlling it," he said. "Sometimes when you were angry or sad, it would just flair out from you."

"Did I ever hurt anyone?"

Merlin didn't answer at once, and she could tell that he was keeping something from her. "You never meant to," he finally answered.

"But I did?" She'd had this grand illusion of who she'd been in her past life, but now she was starting to see that it wasn't all shining armor and pretty gowns. She had blood on her hands.

"Only those who had already tried to hurt you. Or me. I was always your weakness and you were always mine." He smiled at this, and she smiled too even though she couldn't remember what that felt like.

"Did I use my powers a lot?"

"You did at first when you discovered that you had them, but after an…incident…you stopped using them altogether. When Morgana turned on us, you used them to defend yourself and me on several occasions, but by then you'd learned to control them. Byron found a crystal necklace that you could channel your powers through. I think the crystal came from the Crystal Caves."

"Where is the necklace now?" Liz thought back to the store beneath her flat. It bore the same name as the famous caves. Was that just a coincidence?

"I'm not sure. Do you have it back home in your jewelry box or something?"

"I don't think so." She fingered the ring around her neck. "I just have this. I'm not sure where I got it. I've just always had it." She frowned. Was it from her past life? She watched Merlin's expression falter, sorrow reflecting in his eyes. Yes, this ring had significance in her past life, she would bet anything. She decided not to pry. Merlin would tell her about it when she was ready.

"So I was powerful. Was Morgana powerful?"

"She became a High Priestess, one of the most powerful sorceresses of all time. Her magic became very strong after she learned to use it."

"If only she had used it for good instead of for destruction."

"I could understand why she turned against Uther, but I never did understand why she turned against everyone else. We'd all been friends to her. I'd even tried to help her learn to use her magic by taking her to the druids. I was a friend to her, but she tried to kill me multiple times. And Arthur. She claimed Uther's throne once before he died. He was never the same after that. Seeing his own daughter be so cruel undid him. He never recovered from knowing how much she hated him. He really did love her no matter how much he hated magic, but her fear of what he would have done to her had he found out was too much for her."

"You lived in that same fear, but it didn't corrupt you," Liz said.

"But I was not Uther's ward."

"You were Arthur's servant though. Surely there were a few times when you were afraid he'd found out about your magic."

"Usually he was too thick to figure that out. Or he thought I was too much of a dimwit to have magic."

Liz laughed. "But now he'll accept you for who you are, right?" she asked, growing serious again. "Did he ever find out you had magic?"

"Yes…" Merlin hesitated, and Liz realized she kept bringing up that fateful day. It might not cause her any harm, but it hurt Merlin to remember. "After Sarrum shot the arrow and you took it, I sent out a wave of magic and killed him. Everything was happening all at once, and I know Arthur was shocked, but he let me say goodbye and grieve before bringing it up. He was hurt at first that I'd lied to him for so long, but he realized how much I'd helped him and the kingdom and that all I'd ever done with my magic was for good. He accepted me for who I was. He knew who you were before that, and he had accepted you. After you sacrificed yourself on that battlefield, he changed. He made me his advisor. He abolished all laws banning magic, and Camelot prospered. There were still some prejudices and tension, but everyone could see that Camelot was much happier and safer when there was peace between people of every kind. Arthur always spoke of you and your sacrifice. He called the treaty that united those with magic and without the Amaryllis Treaty."

"He named a treaty after me?"

"Yes."

"Then why does no one today know who I am?" she asked. It wasn't that she wanted the honor or glory – she just wanted to know who she was. She felt as if she'd been erased from history.

Merlin sighed. "The most important people in history are sometimes forgotten. Most of the accounts are unclear and everyone seems to go for the Lancelot, Arthur, Gwen love triangle that ends up in all of them dying."

"And everyone thinks you're a very old man with a long white beard," Liz put in.

Merlin grinned. "I am technically nine hundred twenty four years old."

"But then is this your true form or are you using a glamor of sorts?" Liz asked.

"This is my true form. Apparently it comes with being immortal. After I reached twenty or so, I just stopped changing. I stayed young, so I used magic to age myself to look how old I should have been. Arthur never would have forgiven me if I'd stayed young while he got old anyway." He grinned at this.

Their conversation was cut off when the boat gently bumped into the island. They both looked up at the crumbling tower that sat in the very center. Liz felt as if she was in a dream.

"Are you ready?" Merlin asked her.

"As ready as I'll ever be. Should we hold hands or something? How am I supposed to allow you to come onto the island? I don't even feel welcome here." She shivered. The last thing she wanted was for Merlin to get hurt. She didn't feel any magic inside of her and if she was supposed to get by on pure confidence, that wasn't going to happen.

"Let's start with getting out of the boat. You'd better go first. You'll be fine. You have Sidhe blood, remember?" he encouraged her.

Liz nodded and stood, trying to keep her balance in the boat. It held surprisingly still. She set one foot on the ground and then the other. Nothing happened. She didn't feel any different. She held her hand out to Merlin. "I hereby allow you, Merlin, to set foot on Avalon by the Sidhe powers invested in me," she said formally.

Merlin took her hand and stepped from the boat.