Part 11 - Three Little Words
I led the way into the cabin, my heart pounding. What would I say to him? What would I say to Mulder? I kicked my boots off in the hallway and glanced into the living room, noting Mulder sitting on the sofa with the rifle resting across his lap, clearly having no intention of going back to bed. I closed the door and waved my hand in the direction of the kitchen as Alex joined me in the hall.
"Wait in there, I'll just be a minute," I said. I went to my room, remembering I was wearing pajamas beneath my outer clothes. I placed my gun on the bedside table and Mulder's on the dresser, then quickly stripped out of my clothes and pulled the pants and sweater back on, omitting underwear for once. Unable to delay any longer, I made my way to the kitchen and closed the door. Alex had switched on the miniature lights under the wall cupboards, but left the main fluorescents off and I left them as they were.
Alex was leaning against the kitchen counter, his jacket removed and hanging on one of the bar stools. He was wearing a green sweater underneath and I recognised it as one of the items of clothing he'd bought in Williamsport. The sleeves had been a little too long and now he had them pulled down to his knuckles, apparently in a bid to cover the prosthetic as he had also taken off his gloves. I noticed the fingers of the new arm looked like gun metal with a silver sheen to them. I tried to ignore the fact that the jeans he wore were as painfully tight as ever, clinging to muscular thighs and that his pectorals and biceps were clearly defined beneath the fabric of the sweater. His face looked older, tired somehow, even though it had only been two years - he was still only twenty-eight.
"What are you going to tell Mulder?" he asked me. "He won't be satisfied with 'mind your own business'."
"I know that." I shrugged and reached for the kettle. "You want some coffee?"
"Thanks."
It gave me a moment to think about what to say to him, while I filled the kettle, switched it on and dumped coffee into two mugs. My pulse wasn't slowing and rather than thinking about the past two years, I was replaying scenes in my head from when he'd been at the cabin before. I shook myself and glanced at him, noting he wasn't speaking either. Was he thinking the same thing I was?
"Uh...so...how long did it take you to get used to the arm?" I asked randomly, turning to lean back against the counter beside him.
"About six months. It works from the nerves in my shoulder. They had to...remove a bit more of my...my arm to attach it correctly."
I frowned at the thought. He wouldn't have enjoyed that one bit, but I imagined the scarred portion of his stump was now gone.
"What's it made of?"
"It's an experimental compound - titanium, fibre glass, some other stuff that makes it flexible. It behaves pretty much like a normal arm in the way that I can move it, even though there are no visible joints, and it adopts my body heat, at least a little."
"May I see?" I asked, fascinated. What he was describing was something I wouldn't have thought possible, at least not until the next century or maybe beyond.
"Uh...Walter...you don't want to see that, it's just a robotic arm," he said awkwardly, pulling the cuff of the sweater completely down over his hand. "No one's seen it, other than the doctors."
"I saw the other one," I reminded him.
"Yeah, that piece of shit. You fixed it for me, remember?" He picked up his coffee mug and gulped some, wincing at the heat, before replacing it on the counter. He looked up then and met my eyes, his deep green orbs reflecting the shade of the sweater, even in the dimly lit room. "You're probably gonna think this is...freaky."
"After some of the stuff Mulder's shown me, I doubt it," I answered with a slight smile.
"Don't say I didn't warn you." Alex stepped away from the counter and faced me, then gripped the hem of the sweater with both hands. He lifted it suddenly, peeling it off over his head and pulling his arms free, the prosthetic moving in exactly the same way his real arm did. He was wearing a grey t-shirt underneath, the thin fabric stretched tight over his chest and the sleeves ripped out to reveal his arms all the way up to the shoulders. My eyes immediately fixed on the left arm, dark grey, silvery metal with a matte appearance, shaped exactly like the other arm, right down to the size and shape of each muscle. He bent it up and the elbow bent, the smooth metal surface unbroken by joints just as he had said.
"How is that possible?" I reached out curiously with a fingertip and felt the cool, but not cold metal. I ran my hand over the bicep, peering at the shorter, unscarred stump of his arm which extended around three inches from his shoulder, providing a cap which covered the top of the metal portion so that the two seemed melded into one.
"I don't know. Modern technology, I guess. You know the Japanese."
"It's amazing. Is it uncomfortable at all? You used to take the other one off to sleep."
"Well, I can't take this one off," Alex said with a grin. "It took a bit of getting used to. I just make sure I sleep on my back or my right side."
"Can you do everything with it? Pick up a single sheet of paper? Fasten buttons?"
"Yeah, everything. I broke a lot of things at first. You have to learn how hard to grip."
I realised I'd stroked my hand down the length of the arm again and was lightly gripping the wrist in my hand. The fingers were curled into a loose fist.
"It only has one down side," Alex added.
"What's that?"
"It can't feel. I mean, I can't feel your touch."
My eyes shot back up to his face. He looked thoughtful, wistful even, and I knew then that he was thinking about the few weeks we had spent together before. Could we have that again, I wondered? Even if it was only temporary?
Everything I should have been saying to him deserted me. I should have pushed him away, told him to leave, told him how betrayed I'd felt when he broke into the Bureau and how I wished he hadn't bothered to find me. I should tell him to go back to Canada or Germany or wherever the hell he could find a home and leave me in peace, but my racing heart and the slight twitch in my pants argued fervently with my brain.
Instead I lifted the other hand and encircled his right wrist loosely, then ran my fingertips up the inside of his arm until I reached his bicep, giving it a firmer squeeze. His arm shivered under my touch, but it remained dangling at his side, the fist loosely curled the same as the metal one. My hand made its way back down his arm again until it reached his wrist, then lower still until I had entwined our fingers into a messy tangle.
I could hear every subtle sound in the silence of the room - the slight intake of breath from Alex, my own breathing, my blood rushing in my ears and my heart thundering against my ribs. I realised I still wanted him just as much as ever. I still loved him as much as I'd tried to deny it to myself and even though we hadn't said anything - hadn't talked out the things we had started on outdoors - I didn't feel as if it was important any more. He was back. He was here right in front of me and if I let him go again I would kick myself for the rest of my life.
"Walter..." My name was barely a whisper, a whimper almost, and I became aware that he had edged closer until our bodies lightly touched. I felt his breath on my cheek and my cock, which had risen rapidly inside my loose pants, was pushing against his zipper. His head was lowered slightly and when I turned mine, our cheeks brushed. I took my hand off his metal arm and placed it in the middle of his lower back instead, feeling the damp heat of him through the thin t-shirt the butt of his gun sticking out of the back of his jeans. I applied light pressure with my hand so that he leaned against me. I immediately felt that he was as hard as I was, his cock straining against the confines of his jeans. He chuckled suddenly and pulled back a little, glancing down between us.
"No underwear, Walter?"
"Uh...well...I was in my pajamas when you showed up," I said, remembering myself commenting on his state of dress one time two years before. "Didn't you once say that underwear only makes your dick less accessible?"
"Something along those lines." I expected him to press close again, but he stepped away from me, pulling his hand free of mine and retrieving his coffee mug. My expression must have shown my disappointment because he smiled and raised an eyebrow. "Walter, you don't really want me to get your dick out with Mulder in the next room, do you?"
"Fuck," I muttered. I had completely forgotten about Mulder in that moment.
"Anyway..." His face straightened. "I need to know what you want. It seems like maybe you want me, but isn't that just the past talking? Maybe you're seeing me here two years ago, remembering. Things have happened since then."
"Yeah, they have. I was just wondering how much they matter, really." I sipped my coffee and grimaced, putting the mug down again. I'd made it too strong. "Look...when you were here before, I had feelings for you, you must have known that." My racing heart sped up. I hadn't meant to just blurt it out and it amused me that I could say that to him - be completely honest about how I'd felt...still felt...when both Sharon and Rosemary had complained that I didn't communicate and kept my feelings to myself.
I didn't miss Alex's intake of breath, louder this time. "Yeah...I guess I knew...hoped. But it was pointless then. I couldn't stay around, you were still with the Bureau, I couldn't expect you to...want anything more with me."
"Did you want...something more with me?" I asked breathlessly.
"Fuck, Walter, getting on that fucking truck and heading for Canada was the hardest thing I ever did in my life!" he exclaimed. "Did I want something more with you? I didn't want to fucking leave! If it wouldn't have meant Cancerman coming after you, I'd have stayed...stayed with you. I'd never had that before...someone wanting me that much...kissing me like you did...like you really meant it. Like you cared about me."
"Alex..." My heart felt as if it might burst from my chest and I made a move toward him, just as the door flew open to reveal Mulder, rifle in hand.
"What the hell is going on? I heard yelling," he said.
"It's nothing." Alex turned so that his back and right side were angled towards Mulder, hiding the robotic arm, his head lowered. I snatched his sweater from the counter where he'd placed it and passed it to him, then stood with my back to him, blocking him from Mulder's view.
"Mulder..." I began.
"Sir...Walter...why are you protecting him? I don't..." Mulder glanced over my shoulder at Alex and then refocused on my face.
I looked behind me, noting Alex was now wearing the sweater again, arms folded and head down and I turned back to Mulder. I knew Alex didn't care what anybody thought of him except maybe for me, and I certainly shouldn't worry what Mulder's opinion of me was.
"Alex was...my lover," I said firmly. Mulder's eyebrows shot up and his jaw dropped. I sensed Alex's head jerk up and his eyes fix on the back of my head. "Is, I meant to say. Is my lover," I added.
"But...but...you're...you were married! You dated women...you...you..." Mulder stammered comically and I heard a snort from Alex.
"I didn't say I don't like women," I pointed out.
"No, but...why him?" Mulder exclaimed incredulously. "A traitor...a killer...how can you trust him?"
"Mulder, you can't choose who you fall for. And I do trust him."
"Then you're a fool!" blurted Mulder.
"And you're rapidly outstaying your welcome. I'm going to talk to you this one time and then you're going to leave me in peace." I advanced on him quickly and propelled him out of the room, back to the living room. Alex didn't follow and I closed the door and leaned on it, waiting for Mulder to sit down before I spoke again. He dropped onto the sofa, still clutching my rifle, his eyes wide and face confused.
"Alex was right when he said you'll bring trouble on me if you let people know he's alive," I said. "What you do when you get back to DC is your own business, but think about this before you jump in." I cleared my throat and waited to see if he had anything to say, but he remained silent.
"You remember bringing Alex to my apartment one night? I cuffed him to my balcony and the next day you came back for him. Then after that you and him went to Tunguska."
"I remember," Mulder said at once. "What has that to do with...?"
"Nothing really. Except that two years ago, I walked into my apartment one evening and found Alex in the exact same position, cuffed to my balcony, badly beaten, soaked by sleet and half dead with the onset of pneumonia. I had a message on my machine from the Cigarette Smoking Man, telling me I was to dispose of 'the problem'. If Alex wasn't dead already, I was supposed to kill him and get rid of the body."
"Clearly you didn't." Mulder's brow wrinkled and he nodded slightly as if he was realising what I meant when I said I would have trouble if Alex was discovered to be alive.
"I'm not a cold-blooded killer," I said.
"Not like your...lover, then." Mulder grimaced as he said the word 'lover'.
"I cleaned him up and had him play dead while I dragged him out to my car. Obviously I was being watched. I threw something that could resemble a body into the Potomac and then drove up here. I intended to leave him at a motel somewhere, but he was getting pretty sick and I couldn't do it."
"Wait...was this the 'friend' Scully mentioned that you were taking care of?" Mulder asked. "She didn't seem to know much other than that it was a male friend with...pneumonia."
"Yeah, well I couldn't tell her who, could I?"
"So presumably he recovered and felt...really grateful that you saved him." Another grimace from Mulder.
"It wasn't like that, but things happened. Maybe I'd have been with him afterward if it wouldn't have gotten me killed."
"Shit, you actually care about this guy!"
"Mulder, I'm not going into any more detail," I said firmly.
"But what's he doing here now? Is this about the stuff that he stole from the Bureau? The injury to Baker and...?"
"In part. What you do with this is up to you, but now you know why it'll be a problem to me if you report it. Cancerman won't just let it go if he finds out Alex isn't dead."
"So you're just going to...disappear into the sunset together and live happily ever after?" Mulder said with a slight sneer.
"I'm not sure, but what happens after tonight isn't your concern."
"It will be, if he continues working for Russia. Is he still doing that now? Do you even know?"
"Yes, I know. That job was a one-off," I said.
"Right. You believe him? Sorry, Walter, but Krycek is the least trustworthy guy I know. He'd stab you in the back if he thought it would keep him alive, or get him paid."
"You're going to have to think what you like about that."
"There's something else," Mulder frowned. "What's with the...I don't know, he was kind of hiding something? I caught a glimpse of his left arm and when he had me by the throat, it was like a vice...like steel or...something..."
"It's not your concern," I said at once. "Leave it, Mulder. I've told you what you need to know to make the right decision here. Anything else is Alex's business."
"You'd really give up everything you have to be with him?" he asked, appearing resigned. "Why?"
"What am I giving up? I left the Bureau, I sold my condo and I'll most likely sell this place. I have no ties - no family, no kids, nothing."
"So you plan to go on the run with him?"
"It'd hardly be that." I frowned as I thought that it probably would, in as much as we wouldn't be able to stay in the States, at least not under our own names. "I planned to travel anyway as soon as I wrapped everything up here. Regardless...I found something important to me and I don't plan on throwing it away."
"You mean Krycek." Mulder sighed heavily. "I can't pretend to understand. The things he's done...even to you. When he took the DAT tapes, you were pretty banged up..."
"That was a long time ago and this conversation has gone far enough. You're going to have to decide what you do with this now. I know you talk to our smoking friend every so often so when you do, just think about what I've told you. Do you want my death on your conscience, Mulder?"
"No, of course I don't want that." Another, louder sigh. "As much as it galls me, I won't say a word, not even to Scully. I just hope you're making the right decision here and that it doesn't come back to bite you in the ass."
"Well, you're going to have to let me worry about that." I relaxed slightly. "It's still dark. You can stay until daylight and grab some breakfast before you get on your way. Put the rifle back where you found it."
"Where's my gun?" asked Mulder.
"My room. I'll get it for you."
"What are you going to do then?"
"Get some sleep." I opened the door and went to my room to retrieve Mulder's weapon. The rest of the cabin was in darkness and when I stepped into the bedroom, I immediately noticed Alex in my bed, lying on his right side, apparently asleep. I passed Mulder the gun and then quietly closed the door in his face. Alex didn't move and I stripped my clothes off quickly, found my pajama pants where I'd left them on the floor and fumbled my way into them. The bed creaked and dipped as I slid into it and Alex stirred slightly, muttering under his breath as if he were only half asleep.
"Hey, it's me." I shuffled closer to him, lifting my hand to touch his back which was turned to me. He had removed the sweater again and I felt the fabric of his t-shirt under my palm.
"We...should talk..." Alex mumbled.
"Later. Get some sleep." I removed my hand from his back and slipped my arm around his waist, moving closer until I spooned up against him. I expected to encounter his naked ass, but I realised he was wearing underwear and the notion made me grin.
"What's with the shorts?"
"They're yours. Figured you might not want me tempting you if the arm didn't already put you off."
"Nothing's gonna put me off, Alex," I said softly, bringing my mouth closer to his ear. "I want you. I never stopped."
"You know I have to leave again..."
"I'm going with you."
He sucked his breath in. "I might never be able to come back. At least while Cancerman's alive."
"It doesn't matter."
Alex shifted in my arms, turning onto his back to look up at me. "What happened eighteen months ago..."
"It doesn't matter," I repeated. "It's in the past. You're what I want. You always were, from when you were lying in this bed half dead from pneumonia, needing me."
"I still need you," Alex said.
"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." I brushed my lips over his at last and his arm came up and slid around my neck.
"I almost called you. When I was in Japan," he told me.
"In the hospital?"
"Yeah."
"So why didn't you?"
"I doubted you'd even speak to me, which is why I wanted to see you in person. But...I was stuck in that fucking place for three months, like an experiment. I wasn't in control. I thought I'd wake up from the surgery and maybe they'd have taken my good arm. Then it didn't work. I got an infection and they had to start again, do it all again." He shuddered in my arms. "I was doped up on meds to numb the pain and that made it worse, not being in control of my own mind. I just needed...someone."
"Fuck, Alex," I groaned. "I'd have been there if you called me. I wouldn't have hung up on you. I was angry, but I'd have wanted to know why, and I'd have listened. I wasn't able to get you out of my mind. I loved you. I still love you."
"I think...I love you," Alex choked out. "I have...nothing to compare it to...but I don't want to be without you. Ever."
I heard myself groan and I hugged him tighter against me, surprised to feel the dampness of tears on my shoulder. I held him and he clutched at me with both arms, the left cooler and harder than the right. He was trembling and I ran my hand up and down his back, calming him with my touch until he simply lay against me, his face tucked into my neck and both arms still holding onto me.
"Sorry. Not sure where that came from," he said roughly.
"It's okay." I touched my lips to his cheek and tasted salt.
"Where's Mulder?"
"I told him he could stay until daylight. He won't say anything. He's not fond of you, but he doesn't want to see anything happen to me."
"That's good. What did you tell him?"
"Not much. I told him I found you half dead on my balcony and I didn't want to finish you off."
"What about me stealing those files?"
"I didn't say why." I ran my hand up and down the metal arm until I remembered he couldn't feel it and then I continued up to his shoulder and gave it a squeeze.
"Thank you, Walter. I don't know why it bothers me so much. It shouldn't matter, so long as you don't hate it, but it still freaks me out. I hate looking at myself."
"You should try looking at yourself the way I see you," I said softly. "You're beautiful, Alex. All of you."
"I think your mind's going." He tilted his head and his lips caressed mine for a brief moment before he turned his head away quickly and yawned. I pulled his arms from around me and rolled him over so that his back faced me again.
"Go back to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."
He didn't speak again. He rested in my arms, his breathing slowing until I knew he was asleep. I was heading that way myself and I closed my eyes, pressing my face into the short cropped hair at the nape of his neck and breathing in the scent of him.
"I love you, Alex," I whispered, knowing that it was the only thing that mattered. When I drifted into sleep a few minutes later, it was with a smile on my face.