Moolie: We have a new addition to our family!

Ginny: Moolie, something's terribly wrong with that. We should not keep it.

Moolie: Aw, who doesn't like a talking plant?

*Ginny and Aggie raise their hands.*

Moolie: 1 against 2. I win.

Aggie: What!

…

Chapter Eleven: Onward, Entlemen

"Hey, Treebeard," Pippin said once he, Merry, and Nora arrived back at the Entmoot. "Did you know you have neighbors?"

"Why…yes…" Treebeard began. "The Sprites…have lived…among us…for many…an age!"

"Do…do you know, by any chance, a lass named Atzi?" Merry asked rather nervously.

"HAVE YOU DECIDED ON ANYTHING YET?" Nora shouted before Treebeard could answer.

Overwhelmed by the amount of questions, Treebeard began to hyperventilate and was handed a paper bag by Bert the Birch Tree.

"Nice going, Nora," Merry said.

"Be nice," Pippin said. "You asked a question, too."

Once Treebeard had recovered, he completely forgot about Merry's question and turned to Nora. "We…are not…to be involved…in the matters of others."

"But you're part of this world!" Merry said. "Aren't you?"

The group of Ents looked around and nodded with many a "Yes, yes,", "Quite so", and "Indeed".

"Besides," said Nora, totally improvising. "The Orcs, uh, burned down half the forest south from here."

"What?" Treebeard asked. The rest of the Ents looked around in confusion.

Pippin looked at Nora. "They did?"

"Uh…yeah! And they'll totally get to the rest of Fangorn forest if we don't go stop them!" she paused and went for the overkill. "Everything you know and love will be gone."

The Ents let out a collective gasp. Merry went rigid.

"You…heard her…gEnts," Treebeard said. "Round up…the rest of…the Ents."

"We best get our things," Nora said and walked off.

"Merry," Pippin said. "What's wrong?"

Merry moodily stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Nothin'."

"Oh, come on!"

"Well, what if…"

"What if what?"

Merry looked up at Pippin with sad eyes. "What if the Orcs really do burn down Fangorn? And then all the Sprites…"

Pippin patted him on the back. "It'll be okay, Merry."

"You see-"

"Hi, gaiz!" Nora marched into the clearing with their knapsacks. "Ready to do this?"

"Yeah!" said Pippin.

"Yep," said Merry.

"…" the Ents droned enthusiastically.

(Now for HELM'S DEEP, PART ONE!)

"Alright, men," Aragorn said as he passed out weapons to the makeshift soldiers. "The key to success is spirit. Spirit and muscles." He paused to flex his arms. "Now, you guys have the build, but do you have the drive?"

The men looked around, confused. In the background, Azimah was sharpening her glaive, making an ominous scraping sound fill the room.

Aragorn continued. "They can take our land, but they can never take OUR FREEDOM!"

"Huzzaaaaah!" the men chorused, raising their weapons in the air.

"Why try, Aragorn?" Legolas said darkly.

"Did you have to go and ruin my pep talk!" Aragorn yelled.

"No, I'm being serious," Legolas said. "We don't stand a chance."

"They stand a better chance here, than in Edoras," Aragorn retorted. "These walls will buy us time!"

"For how long?" Legolas's voice was getting louder and angrier. "When they get in, it'll still be three hundred against ten thousand! They are going to die! We are going to die!"

"So what?" Aragorn shouted. "We both agreed to die for our mission! Or are you scared that you won't be able to protect Az-"

"Don't you dare bring her into this!" Legolas hissed.

"Uh guys," Gimli interjected. "You know she's in the room right?"

Legolas looked quickly at Azimah, who was thankfully oblivious to all other noise besides the scrape of her blade against the stone.

Aragorn smirked at him and stalked off. Furious, Legolas made to follow, only to be stopped by Gimli.

"Let him go, lad," He remarked firmly. "Let him be."

"What was that all about?"

Legolas turned to see Azimah giving him a quizzical look.

"Uh…nothing!" Legolas said, leaning against the wall nonchalantly. "We were just disagreeing…about something of no importance…"

Azimah didn't look convinced.

"I like your helmet!" Legolas said, trying to change the subject.

"Oh." Azimah looked surprised. "Thanks, I guess."

She had attached a small sheet of chainmail across the gap of her helmet to cover her face.

"So, it's all in one piece, eh?"

"Oh, yeah. The veil sort of gets in the way."

Legolas snapped his fingers. "Right, that it does. I gotta go now…"

He turned to leave, but Azimah grabbed his arm.

"Wait, Legolas."

Legolas turned awkwardly, cursing the butterflies in his tummy.

"…Yeah?"

"Don't fight with Aragorn, okay? We all need to stay friends if we want to win this thing."

"Oh…right. Friends. Um…you're right! I'll go now…"

Legolas found Aragorn pouting as he put on his armor. Aragorn looked up. "What do you want?"

Legolas was about to snap back with a witty comeback, but he remembered what Azimah told him. He groaned.

"I came to apologize."

"Oh. Well."

"Yeah."

"…I missed you, man!" Aragorn sobbed.

"Let's never fight ever again!" Legolas said, embracing Aragorn in a totally heterosexual hug.

"We're gonna win this thing!"

"Yeah!"

They chestbumped victoriously. Gimli waddled in, struggling with his armor.

"Shouldn't have eaten that last doughnut…"

A sudden horn sounded from above.

"Are the Orcs here already?" Aragorn said. "We don't expect them until 7:30. Most uncouth."

"That's not an Orc horn," Legolas said, grinning as he skipped towards the stairs. "Those are the Elves!"

The three dudes scrambled outside just in time to see the Elf army enter through the gates as the 'Imperial March' sounded overhead. The army was led by a tall figure in a black cape and futuristic helmet.

"Darth Vader?" Azimah asked as she joined them.

The tall figure whipped off his helmet flamboyantly and smiled at the gathered crowd. "Hellooo!"

"Oh, no."

(Fight Club.)

Frodo was tossing pebbles mindlessly against the wall. If only he could talk to her. If only they'd let him see her, he would be able to explain. If only Sam would stop complaining.

"They haven't even given us proper over night accommodations; I have back problems you know! The nerve!"

Frodo groaned. Sam continued to whine as he searched his bag for a spare jar of mayonnaise that he always kept on his person.

"I don't know how they expect us to eat this nasty stuff, and without mayo! Why, my mother made sure we got a healthy serving at every meal-"

"Sam, shut up!" Frodo shouted. "Just listening to you is making me fat! Go eat a salad!"

Sam heaved a sigh. "Looks like someone hasn't gotten their mayo for the day. Here, I'll fix you a plate-"

"Good Lord! Shut up!" Madril yelled as he entered their cell. "You're making me fat, go eat a salad!"

Sam looked depressed. He patted his mayo jar sadly and went to go sit in the corner. Madril turned to Frodo with a creepy smile that reminded the hobbit of a fruit bat. "You've done us a favor, Mr. Baggins, is there anything we can do for you?"

"Yes," Frodo stood up quickly. "May I please see our friend? I need to talk to her."

"By all means," Madril replied smoothly. He turned to the guards behind him. "Gentlemen, would you kindly escort Loverboy to see his sweetheart?"

Frodo turned red.

"N-no, we're not like that."

"I've brought the bed sir," Satchel said as he and two other soldiers entered, carrying a trundle bed between them.

"Ah, that's more like it!" Sam immediately recovered from his depression and strutted over to the group by the doorway. He nodded approvingly.

"Just what I needed, about time too!"

"But..." Satchel looked at Madril, but he waved away the comment. Satchel shrugged, there would be a prank all the same. Sam settled himself under the patchwork quilt. He tucked his jar of mayo under his pillow.

"Sweet dreams!" he bid everyone.

"More like cholesterol filled dreams," Frodo muttered.

"This way, Loverboy," a soldier jeered, shoving Frodo down the corridor. Frodo tripped as he was pushed into a dark cell. He squinted as his eyes tried to adjust to the pitch blackness. After a few seconds, he could make out a figure huddled in the corner.

"Fado?" he asked softly.

She slowly raised her head. "What do you want?" she asked coldly.

"Fado, thank goodness you're alright-"

"How are your accommodations?" she interrupted. Frodo stopped. What did she just say?

"Did they reward you well enough for your services?" She laughed bitterly.

"No Fado," he protested, not able to believe what was happening. "It wasn't like that. I didn't mean-"

"What more do you want from me?" she shrieked. "You've already sold me to them! What more can you get from me?"

She was on her feet by now. Frodo could now clearly see the heavy chains cutting into her wrists and bruising her ankles.

"Fado, calm down! Just listen to me!" Frodo pleaded.

Suddenly, her eyes flashed silver and she lunged forward with a screech, clawing at him. The chains caught her, causing her to jerk backwards and crumple onto the floor. She lay there sobbing as her eyes faded back to green.

Frodo knelt next to her. He reached out slowly and pulled her into his arms. Silver eyes snapped open. There was a deafening "SMACK" as Frodo flew backwards. It took a few seconds for Frodo to realize that Fado had slapped him across the face. It felt more like she had hit him with Sam's frying pan. He managed to look up at her.

"Don't touch me!" A voiced hissed through her. She shuddered and looked back at him through her own eyes. She was crying. "Just stay away from me," she whispered. She shrunk back into the corner and stayed there.

Frodo's head had finally stopped spinning. He silently got to his feet and turned away.

"Fine," he said quietly."If that's the way you want it."

He walked out of the cell.

(On the very, very, very long road to war.)

"This is where they must've burned the trees," Merry said solemnly as the group stared at the charred landscape before them.

"Yeah, about that," Nora started as she looked out in surprise at the tree graveyard. "I didn't really mean-"

"We cannot…stand for this…" Treebeard said. "The Ents…are going…to war!"

"Yes!' Nora shouted as she walked forward with giant strides, eager to go kick some Orc butt. She looked behind her. The Ents were taking their sweet time.

"Oh COME ON!"

…

Aggie: Moolie. I don't want it here.

Moolie: But Carol loves you!

Aggie: Precisely why I don't want it here!

Carol: Mommy!

*Carol hugs Aggie.*

Ginny: Shouldn't we alert a scientist…or an exorcist?

*Carol hisses at Ginny.*

Aggie: This is most disturbing.