a/n: Much thanks to Kouyan and Aviantei =) You guys seriously rock!

-

.if you value my sanity.

Walking away, she felt a stir of consternation. Bookmen were supposed to be rational, above all else. They were supposed to observe without emotion, to record without bias. Yet, here was a Bookman Junior that so obviously contradicted his Bookman grandfather. She had to meet the latter the first day he was back at the Order, and she clearly remembered the awe he inspired in her; the dedication he had to his job, his duty.

Yet, how could his grandson have turned out this way? She could see it clearly in his eye- this was a boy that had already formed lasting bonds, unbreakable attachments to the Order; more specifically, to Allen and the others. When the time came to make the choice between his Bookman duty and his friends, she doubted that his decision would be as clear cut as it should be.

She shook her head resolutely. She couldn't approve of his flippancy towards his Bookman duty. As far as she could tell from what the elder Bookman had told her, the Bookman clan had a noble duty, of great importance in the world. Deviance from the approved behavior of such a clan shouldn't be tolerated. Weakness couldn't be abided with, especially when it could wield such mortal consequences. For that very reason, she expected herself to carry out her duty to the Order unquestioningly.

She shouldn't hold respect for such a person. His irresponsibility, his lack of absolute dedication to his duty- all were qualities that she had no business learning from. She really shouldn't associate with such a character, much less like his laid-back attitude and infallible cheer. She really shouldn't admire the easy way he could offer his care, his concern, his heart to others.

Nevertheless, she couldn't help herself. It was a given fact that Lavi was a ridiculously difficult person to dislike. She suspected that even Kanda had a soft spot for him, only it was probably hidden deep down. Really deep down.

And really, what Bookmen did or did not do was none of her business. She was here for a singular reason, not to interfere in the affairs of the Bookmen. Whatever Lavi did was none of her concern. She had had enough on her hands without having to waste precious brain space on worrying about the duties and obligations of others.

She sighed deeply, shook her head free of such depressing thoughts and turned down the passageway that led to the dining hall for breakfast, when she bumped into Lenalee who was just about to exit the double doors.

"Hey Evans, I'm really sorry, but we won't be able to train with you today. Komui just called us down for missions," Lenalee said apologetically. She searched the younger girl's eyes anxiously, looking for any sign of disappointment.

Automatically, Evans smiled reassuringly. "It's alright," she assured the other girl. "There's always some other time."

Lenalee nodded, relieved. "Of course," she told Evans. "We'll train together the minute we come back from the missions." She smiled beatifically. "I have to go, now," she continued. "See you around!" She turned to walk off.

Evans couldn't help herself; she called out after her, "Take care, okay?"

Lenalee turned back, surprised, but flashed a bright smile and waved. "We will," she called back, and continued on her way to Komui's office. Evans frowned, and continued into the dining hall. What possessed her to say something like that?

***

In the end, though, it didn't matter; it seemed that no one had heeded her after all.

She had to watch as medics wheeled one after the other into the infirmary. Lenalee came in first, her legs heavily bandaged. At least she was still conscious. Komui had rushed to her side the second she entered the HQ doors, and had stayed there ever since.

"Brother," Lenalee smiled weakly. "I'll be fine; you don't have to stick with me all the time. Go do your work; otherwise the Science Department will start complaining again." But Komui refused unfalteringly; at least, until Kanda and Allen were wheeled in next. They definitely looked worse for the wear, and both were out for the count. Evans didn't quite know why, but she wrung her fingers distractedly until the Head Nurse declared that they would be fine.

Last but not least were Lavi and Miranda. Bookman had trotted in by the red-haired boy's side, and stalwartly waved off anxious medics. "Treat the boy and Miranda first," he told them irritatedly, impatiently and somehow Evans couldn't help but smile, albeit feebly. For all his violence and outward annoyance with his apprentice, Bookman cared, after all.

Noise Marie, Chaoji and Krory were out there somewhere, still on missions. Evans found herself standing at the doorway of the infirmary, looking in at the patients and unconsciously praying for them to heal fast, to get well soon; for the ones who were still on missions to come back, safe, unscathed.

She shook her head in disgust when she realized the fact and headed off to Training Hall 1 quickly. From then on, she steadfastly avoided the infirmary like the plague.

***

It was four in the morning. She wiped off the sweat on her forehead with a small towel and headed for the door, still frowning. She remembered her earlier conversation with Komui.

-

"You have to," she insisted calmly. "You're short on manpower. Most of the other Exorcists are still in the infirmary. You cannot run the remaining ones ragged like this. Just use me."

Komui shook his head firmly. "You know what happened the last time," he reminded her. "I'm not taking any risks. Besides, with the manpower shortage, all the more I can't send you on a mission."

She stared at him and enunciated her words clearly. "You know my capabilities, Head Officer. I can probably accomplish the missions far faster on my own, even."

He raised a brow. "I'm not letting you go out there without some semblance of protection."

She had almost snarled at that one, but kept her calm. "You cannot protect me forever. You cannot protect the world forever, either. Sooner or later, I will have to go out there on my own and face whatever's out there for me." Her eyes softened, almost pleading. "You know my fate, Head Officer."

Komui said resolutely, his dark eyes boring into her, willing her to listen, "Then I'd rather it be later."

She narrowed her eyes, suppressing shudders of rage. "You know how hard I've been training, Head Officer. This isn't fair. Not to me, not to the others."

He leaned forward intently and worded his words carefully, cautiously. "Since when did you care so much about the others?" He raised a brow. "Not that I'm against that, of course, but you know how Leverrier feels about that."

She smiled sardonically. "Of course. He sees us as mere tools, after all."

He viewed her seriously. "You know I don't, Evans."

"I know you don't, Head Officer, but the fact remains that we are. That I am. So you need to get over this ridiculous protectiveness and send me off on-"

He cut her off abruptly. "What I said still stands. End of discussion, Evans." He dismissed her with a wave of his hand.

She glared at him for a long time after that, but when he simply ignored her, she stomped out of there, taking sadistic comfort in trodding on as much paper as she could on the way to the door.

-

She shook her head wearily. Day after day since Lenalee and the others had left for missions, leaving her the only Exorcist left in HQ, she had trained non-stop, pausing only for mealtimes. It was the only way she saw; the only way that Komui would eventually trust enough to use her on missions. The only way she could gain rein over it. And she could feel herself improving- really, she did. She sighed, and turned the handle of the door to walk out of Training Hall 1, only to walk straight into Kanda.

She looked up in surprise; he looked down at her, his dark eyes expressionless. She blinked and surveyed him cautiously. He seemed fine; for all intents and purposes, he appeared to be fully healed. "How are the others?" she asked him, warily, careful not to insert too much emotion into her words.

"Fine," he bit out. "Now get out of the way." He made to push his way through.

"Allen's still not awake?" She guessed. His expression cleared; as rapidly, his eyes darkened to an imperceptible black. "You're worried about him, and the others?"

"Are you fucking nuts?" he snapped furiously. "Why in the goddamned world would I care about that goddamned beansprout? It's his fucking fault that we came back in this state." He turned his head huffily, his sleek ponytail following the movement with a swish. "Like I'd care about the others, anyway."

She fixed her eyes on him intently. "If you say so," she murmured mildly and turned to go. Kanda might be prickly and annoyed all the time, but she was sure that he cared, just like Bookman. In fact, everyone cared. She was beginning to see the truth in Lavi's last words to her- that everyone was there, would be there for one another. That this was indeed home to them.

She sighed heavily. Another home was definitely not what she needed nor wanted at the moment. In fact, she didn't know if she would ever want one for the rest of her life; in any case, it would be too soon.

But was Komu- no, the Head Officer right? Was she really getting attached to the others, to the Order? She bit her lower lip distractedly as she walked. It was inevitable, she decided, that she would have formed some minor sort of bond with the others, having fought with them, by them. Unavoidable. And they were somewhat living together, after all. She could hardly be like Kanda; angsty, snappish, all too ready to drive people from him. For one, look at where that got him- he still managed to get himself friends, anyway. For another, with Lavi the inexhaustible Energizer bunny around, it was just going to produce an opposite effect- Lavi would pester her like he already did Kanda.

So, yes. Yes, it was expected to form some semblance of bonds. Yes, it was alright to appear a little attached to the others. It was normal. Perfectly so. She pulled herself ramrod straight and nodded her head in conviction.

"Oy Evans!!!" A cheery voice yelled happily, and she found herself enveloped in a red-topped warm mass. She stayed in the hug the exact amount of time she was required to for politeness' sake, and extricated herself from it the second that time was up.

"Bookman Junior?" She blinked up at Lavi, unable to keep the surprise from her expression. "You're up?"

"Yeesh, of course I am! It was a total pain having to lie down for so many days," he pouted. She felt her lip muscles involuntarily pull themselves into a smile and cursed herself viciously.

"That's nice to know," she said vaguely, forcing her facial muscles to rearrange themselves into an emotionless expression.

"Nice, my ass," he laughed.

"How are the others?" she asked carefully.

"Ah, everyone's more or less up," he assured her brightly. "The Head Nurse's what keeping us in there now." He shuddered, and then leaned down and added in a conspiratorial whisper, "I snuck out." He waggled his visible eyebrow for good measure. She couldn't help it- really, she couldn't. A smile spread across her face; moments later, she burst out laughing.

Lavi grinned, pleased. "Are you heading down to the dining hall?" He started walking with her. She nodded once, the laughter still lingering in her eyes.

"Awesome. I'll come with. You wouldn't believe the slop the Head Nurse feeds us. A pile of white cardboard mush masquerading as innocent chicken porridge. Every single meal. Every single day. 'It's all for your own good,' she says, but honestly- since when was eating cellulose for your own good? I mean, sure, it's absolutely tasteless and sure, it's like cow food, but what the hell, right? And then Allen said-"

"Syrona," a voice called out. She turned around, sufficiently distracted by Lavi's chatter, to see Leverrier and Link coming up to her.

***

He found himself staring into the face of that vile Leverrier, and his annoying sycophant Link. Involuntarily, his hands fisted by his side. He took a small step in front of Evans- no need to expose innocents to Leverrier's unpleasantness- and stood tall, glaring at Leverrier. Yet, to his utmost surprise, Evans stepped around and away from him, towards Leverrier.

"Inspector," she said respectfully, a small smile on her face. "You're back."

He looked on wonderingly as Leverrier favored her with a small smile of his own. It certainly seemed genuine enough. Lavi narrowed his eyes curiously.

"Of course," Leverrier said heartily. "How have you been?" There was an undercurrent of something in his tone; something that hinted at a darker meaning beneath that casual question. Lavi caught Leverrier casting him a swift side-glance, and then looking back at Evans as if nothing had happened.

Evans nodded obediently. "I'm fine."

"Training hard?" The way he said it, it didn't seem like a question; more like a confirmation.

She nodded again. Leverrier's serpentine smile widened, pleased. "Good, good," he told her. "Keep it up."

Lavi wanted to snort; Leverrier was looking at her like an uncle would look at a favorite niece. Utterly disgusting. He half-expected Leverrier to pat her on the head in the next moment. This was truly, truly disturbing. He wondered why this was happening; if this friendly interaction between Leverrier and anyone would ever happen again. If it was even happening in the first place. Was he hallucinating after that smack on the head that the Head Nurse had given him earlier?

Her smile had widened a little too; she looked up at Leverrier, a hint of satisfaction in her eyes. "I will," she said dutifully.

"I have to go see Komui in his office now," he told her. She nodded graciously to let him pass, and turned her attention to the blond boy following him.

"Howard," she smiled warmly. "Long time no see."

"Indeed, Syrona." Link smiled back. "I'll see you later." He waved farewell and turned to dog Leverrier's footsteps down the hallway.

Lavi waited impatiently until both of them were out of hearing range, and then turned to Evans, bewildered. "What is wrong with you?" He threw up his hands up dramatically. "How can you be so nice to that disgusting man?"

She turned to stare at him, shocked. Her features recovered and her eyes turned cold. "He is not disgusting," she said coolly. "I will appreciate it if you stop calling him that."

"What are you on? Don't you know what he did to Lenalee, to Allen?"

"He has his reasons," she said vaguely, icily as she started walking up the hallway again. He felt the stirrings of frustration at her transformation.

"What kind of warped reasons would those be? I can't believe what I just saw. I can't believe you. Ugh. And you were calling Link by his given name! No one calls him that. But you just did." He paused for breath. "Who are they to you? For that matter, who are you to them? I've never seen them so genuinely nice to anyone. And they called you by your given name as well! How come you let them call you that when you never let us?" He pouted.

Evans smiled sardonically, amusedly. "If you value my sanity," she told him calmly, "you would leave those questions alone."

A heartbeat or three of silence; Lavi didn't quite know how to react to that odd statement. Evans broke the awkward quiet. "Let's hurry to the dining hall," she suggested aloofly, averting her eyes. "I'm starving."

He nodded compliantly, still confused, and sped up his footsteps, following in her wake.

***

She felt the rush of wind in her hair and smiled smugly- she'd known that Leverrier's arrival would have certain benefits. For one, Komui had been forced to send her on a mission, on the insistence of Leverrier. For another, it was a great way to prove to Komui that she could do this. Solo .

She flapped her wings once, bringing her several feet higher into the air and started soaring on the night air currents, sighing happily. It had been a long time since she was allowed to fly like this, and that little stint with Lavi certainly hadn't counted. She glanced down at the city beneath her- Barcelona, Spain wasn't exactly far, but nevertheless, she was grateful for the chance to stretch her wings. Anyway, if it weren't for the fact that Barcelona was still within Europe, Komui would have never willingly let her go.

The night air was cold, freezing, but she didn't mind- the numbness of her body was a welcome feeling, strange, but familiar. Her mind drifted from the mechanical task of flying, and settled onto other things. Specifically, things that the Bookman Junior had said earlier. She frowned as she remembered Lavi's reaction to her run-in with the Inspector and Howard. He had asked many questions- that was expected, for he was the apprentice of Bookman after all.

What came as a surprise was her own reaction to those questions- she felt guilty even thinking about evading the questions, changing the subject or even making up the answers. Her heart took a little dive when she realized that; that she was getting attached, that she was developing feelings for the others at HQ.

My God, she was turning into a Lavi. And an Allen. And a Lenalee. And oh Gods, maybe even a Komui.

She sighed heavily, told herself to let it go for now and pushed all thoughts resolutely out of her mind. Now wasn't the time for her mind to wander, she told herself sternly, especially with emotions that she definitely shouldn't be having. The complications of her feelings, her thoughts alone would drive her nuts. Now, she was on a mission. And she left it at that.

She peered down at a section of the city that was heavily obscured in fog, an unusual occurrence that started up the day before. That's my stop, alright. Relieved for the cover the fog afforded her, she inactivated her Innocence and landed deftly on her feet.

She straightened up and looked around cautiously. The fog was absurdly thick; visibility was only a couple of metres, maybe even lesser. No one appeared to be around; then again, she probably couldn't tell if there were. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, ignoring the strange and mildly pleasant smell of the fog, letting the natural attraction guide her. Doubtless, the intoxicating scent would have peculiar effects on any lesser mortal.

Her eyes snapped open, and she immediately headed to the left.

Moments later, she stopped in front of a flower shop. "Yamanaka's Flower Shop," she mused thoughtfully. What a weird name. She glanced down at the door. Locked, of course. She looked up to gaze into the glass window inlaid into the wood. No one inside. Fantastic. She bent down and extricated a silver dagger from her right boot, then went to work on the lock. Soon enough, it clicked. A push of a finger and the door swung open soundlessly.

She stepped inside and squinted through the persistent fog that was present even indoors. She walked into the shop's backroom purposefully and successfully stopped herself from flinching as the scent hit her full on. Waving her hand over her nose, she headed straight for the enormous flower standing alone in a large tub of water.

"Big guy, aren't you?" she murmured as she hauled it out of the water. It was easily the biggest and the ugliest flower she had ever seen, easily her height, with a flower head as big as her own. It came to life, and snapped at her. She held the flower as far away from her as possible as she fumbled around for the Innocence vessel she'd brought along with her. "Bad boy," she reprimanded the flower firmly. The flower wilted a little in response. Her fingers caught hold on a smooth glass surface and hooked around a metal grip. She hesitated; her hand paused on her tool-belt.

"If I don't crush and extract the Innocence from you, will you promise not to bite me?"

The petals unfolded a little more, and the flower visibly perked up. Evans shrugged and let go of the Innocence vessel. The flower would make somewhat of a companion on the flight home. She let herself out the front door of the shop and walked out into the street. Bending her knees into a crouch, she invoked her Innocence and leaped into the air swiftly. Beside her, in her arms, the flower trembled and cowered a little.

She couldn't help but smile. This was too easy.

***

"This was too easy," she told Komui as she strode in the door and tossed the flower at him. He caught it and flinched as the flower tried to snap at him.

"And so?" he said mildly.

She refrained from scowling, and instead, told him, "So you should send me on more missions."

He pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose, eyes glinting warningly. "You know as well as I do that I wouldn't have sent you for that mission if not for Leverrier. Don't expect too much to come out of that." Pause. "In fact, don't expect anything at all."

"Leverrier's bound to make you assign me more missions," Evans pointed out.

Komui smiled smugly. "I wouldn't bet on that though. The Vatican impressed on him how important you are. I should hardly think he'd want to put you in risk easily. We agreed to send you on this mission only because it seemed safe and easy, and had gone unnoticed by the Akuma. Also because the other Exorcists aren't fully healed yet." He paused, then added softly, "Even if you're just a tool that should be made to work your purpose, you're a very important tool."

Her eyes darkened. She turned around abruptly to head out the door, when Komui said quietly, "Nice job on that mission, by the way."

She turned back to him. He offered her a hesitant smile. She gave him a curt nod and walked out the door.

***

Once outside the door, though, she hesitated. Looking outside a convenient window, she could see it was dawn- the dark blue of midnight was heavily streaked with pink and gold. What should she do now? Head back to sleep? To training? Or to the dining hall? She pondered on this for a moment or two, before decided to work off her excess frustration. Sighing deeply and shaking her head, she started in the direction of Training Hall 1.

Unconsciously, her feet took her the route that led past the infirmary. She slowed down as she walked past the door to the infirmary, then stopped. Should she go visit them? Making a split-second decision and leaving no room for doubt nor for the chiding she was sure she would give herself later, she nodded firmly to herself and backtracked.

Peering through the door of the infirmary, she had a sudden, ominous feeling. Déjà vu, more like.

All of them were awake, and all of them were looking straight at her, with the exception of Kanda. (Surprise, surprise.) Lavi and Allen, once again, had that mischievous expression on their faces; Miranda and Lenalee had but resignation written all over them. Kanda was back in bed, having undoubtedly been caught by the Head Nurse for getting out of it prematurely. He was, as usual, ignoring everyone else and reading his book.

"Hey Evans," Lavi yelled brightly, catching her before her instinct for survival kicked in, and made her turn tail and run. "Want to play poker?"

-

a/n: If you haven't noticed by now, my updates have been more or less on a weekly basis. It is now my sad duty to tell you that unfortunately, updates might be less frequent from now on, due to university admissions, applications, etc . Keyword being might, of course, because I'll definitely make time to write.

So as usual, review and make me happy and I just might have the next chapter up sooner =)