Shield

by Bensler

Chapter 10 – Pretend

Cabot Residence - Tuesday, December 23, 4:35 p.m.

Alex was tying up some loose ends at the office before being off until after Christmas, so she gave Elliot the key to her house. Olivia had been released from the hospital with instructions to eat as much as she could and to at least force herself to drink. Stopping at the grocery store, Elliot picked up every flavor of Gatorade and several packages of frozen fruit based popsicles recommended by the doctor. He had helped Olivia get settled in bed and was now in the kitchen fixing her a plain turkey sandwich on wheat bread with mustard.

Olivia could hear him open and closing cabinets and humming 'Joy to the World' - the last Christmas song they heard on the radio on the way from the hospital. She smiled and tried to memorize the sound because she didn't think she had ever heard him hum in all the years she had known him.

"Hey, El? Where's that sandwich?" she hollered.

"Just hold on a sec!" he hollered back.

"At this rate, I'll starve to death!"

"Come make it yourself if you think you can do it quicker," he challenged.

"You know when the doc said I needed to eat…I'm pretty sure he meant today," she teased.

"You are in no position to complain, Benson," Elliot grinned as he entered the bedroom with her meal on a tray along with two carnations in a vase. One red, one white.

Mouth agape, eyes widened in surprise, Olivia stared at the flowers and then Elliot.

"Well, Queen Olivia…are you gonna apologize for complaining?"

Olivia was speechless. Tears welled up and she blinked several times to hold them back.

As he brought the tray to her, she slowly moved to sit up better. She smiled at him as he set the tray across her lap then adjusted one of her pillows.

"That better?"

"Yes, thanks." She looked at him and then at the flowers again. "And thank you for the sandwich and the beautiful flowers."

"You are more than welcome." Elliot's voice had become serious.

He seated himself in the chair next to the bed and watched her take a small bite of the sandwich. "You should have told me, Liv. You should have known I'd be here for you. I'll do anything and everything I can to help you."

Nodding, she glanced at him then back to her food. "I know. I just…I've never…I mean I've always taken care of myself…never really needed…well, I didn't want to believe I ever needed anyone. I didn't want to bother anyone…especially not you."

"Everyone needs someone and I'm so sorry I made it where you didn't want me to know…or help you," Elliot sighed deeply.

"I was trying to protect you, too, because deep down I knew you would be upset."

He leaned forward in the chair, the blue of his eyes shining with the beginning of tears. "Olivia, let me be here now. Let me take care of you, protect you, as best I can." She would not look at him so he stood and cupped her face with his right hand to turn her toward him. "Please?"

It was all she could do to nod. Her eyes fell closed and a stray tear escaped and trickled down her left cheek. Elliot wiped it away with his thumb as she placed her hand over his. He bent down and kissed her forehead but when he went to move away, she pulled him to her and kissed him softly, timidly on the lips. She pulled away for just a second, her brown eyes filled with question as she looked into his blue eyes. She must have found the answer she was looking for because she kissed him again. It was sweet and gentle but this time much more confident.

Elliot was filled with such emotion he nearly began weeping right there. So many times he had dreamed about kissing her but he was always the one to initiate it. That she was to one to first kiss him meant something. It meant a lot. For Olivia to make the first move, forever changing their relationship, he knew she cared about him much more than just a partner or friend. His heart nearly burst with this revelation.

For several seconds they stared at each other, their lips inches apart.

Olivia felt the change between them and intuitively knew Elliot felt it, too. A line had been crossed. The line. The line they could never again get behind. Instantly, her heart filled with fear but she calmed its wild pounding by reminding herself that this illness, this cancer, was a wakeup call. Life was a fleeting vapor and if she ever wanted something other than the life she now had she was going to have to face her fears and fight for what she wanted. All she knew at this moment was she wanted Elliot Stabler to be the man in her life.

The silence between them was not uncomfortable and she sensed he was more than fine with the kiss and all its implications so she had no qualms in that respect about this change in what they were to one another.

Elliot finally spoke. "You need to eat." The words were a gruff whisper as he placed a quick kiss to her lips and stood up.

Picking up her sandwich, Olivia took a big bite and grinned up at him.

The sound of the front door being thrown open broke the spell of what had just transpired between them.

"Elliot!" Casey's voice rang out through the apartment. "Come help me with this tree, please!"

"Guess she found a Christmas tree," Olivia mumbled around another bite of sandwich.

"Yep. I'll go see what she's got. Holler if you need anything," Elliot smiled at her as he headed for the foyer.

Alex had gotten home around five thirty, bringing bags of hot wings, potato salad and Christmas cookies from the deli down the street. Elliot had helped Olivia into the living room so she could be a part of the festivities and watch as they set up the tree. Casey was missing Christmas with her family and had been insistent there be a real tree even though Alex usually put up an artificial one.

The Stablers always had a real tree and Elliot knew just what to do with it. It did topple over once and Olivia laughed until she cried at the sight of Elliot sprawled on the floor with the tree on top of him and Alex and Casey trying to pull it off of him through their uproarious laughter and teasing.

"Get this thing off me!" Elliot demanded, pushing branches away from his face.

"I think you look good in green, El," Olivia told him.

From his position on the floor, he strained his neck to look at her. "I look good in anything, Olivia." He winked and she smiled and shook her head. "Smart aleck."

"That's a lot of confidence for someone being held hostage by a Christmas tree," Casey observed.

"Hey, Elliot, I thought you said you were experienced in putting up trees," Alex teased.

"It's not my fault Casey didn't hold it straight when I tightened the screws," Elliot retorted.

"I did too hold it straight! You just don't know how to screw!" Almost as soon as the words were out of her mouth, the three women were in near hysterics over the double entendre.

Elliot felt the heat hit his face and knew he was blushing. If Olivia had not been there he would have been fine. He would have said something to put the other two women in place. As it were he worried one or both of them would turn any comeback he might have into a question and suggestion session about his and Olivia's relationship. And he didn't want anything to be said nor done that might possibly jeopardize its fragile beginnings.

"Liv, you think he looks better in red or green?" Alex sputtered between giggles, alluding to his obvious embarrassment.

Elliot had managed to free himself from the tree and had just sat up when Olivia came to him and reached out her hand to help him up. He took it and when he was standing, she reached up and put her hands around his reddened ears and pulled him into a long kiss. "I like him in green but I think he looks absolutely adorable in red."

Alex and Casey were now standing there with their mouths hanging open and their eyes about to pop out of their heads. Elliot wasn't much better. He could not believe she kissed him in front of the other women. The lump in his throat kept him from saying anything, so he just kept grinning and looking into her twinkling brown eyes.

Finally, Casey let her thoughts on this situation be known. "Wow," she whispered. "Just wow."

"So, is this official?" Alex asked.

"What?" Olivia asked still smiling at Elliot.

"You and Elliot…Elliot and you…together…a couple?"

"Let's just say we've bumped it up a level and we're gonna see where it takes us," she replied. "Right, El?"

"Right," Elliot managed to grunt. He was still in a state of shock from her open display of affection.

"Well, this certainly gives new meaning to 'Benson and Stabler'. Congratulations," Alex commented and they all laughed.

"Yeah, and it is way past time. You couldn't pretend forever," Casey added.

"Pretend?" Olivia raised an eyebrow and glanced at Elliot who had cocked one of his as well.

"Come on, Liv. Even though everyone else could see it, you guys tried your best to pretend there was nothing between you yet the only ones you convinced was yourselves. And apparently you didn't do a very good job of that either." Casey rolled her eyes at the two detectives.

"What do you mean?" Elliot finally found words.

"What she means is we all knew it was a matter of time. End of discussion. Now, let's give the tree another try and get this show on the road," Alex told him and pointed to the tree.

This time Casey and Olivia held the tree while Elliot secured it in the stand and this time it was perfectly straight and ready for decorations. They strung cranberries, munched on the food, untangled piles of Christmas lights and unwrapped ornaments. Olivia found she was able to join in and help because either she was feeling better after eating that sandwich and two popsicles or being with her friends – and Elliot – and laughing and teasing and just having fun was enough to make her forget how bad she felt.

When the tree was filled with ornaments, garland, strings of cranberries and tinsel, the women sat down, Alex turned off the lights and Elliot plugged in the tree lights. It was filled with hundreds of tiny lights in nearly every color imaginable and its beauty was reflected in the awe on the faces of each person in the room.

Elliot got up and went to sit by Olivia. She scooted over to make a little more room for him forcing Casey to move over, too. Not wanting to be too forward or presumptuous, he draped his arm around the back of the couch. To his pleasant surprise Olivia leaned into him, rested her head against his chest and right hand on his left leg just above his knee. He was sure she – and Casey and Alex – heard the frantic beating of his heart. He could not believe she was already being so open about them. Them. He liked the sound of that.

After several comments about how good the tree look and agreeing it was one of the best trees they had ever seen, Casey stretched and yawned. "Gosh, it's after ten. I'm gonna hit the sack. I'm really tired." She poked Alex and hoped she was inconspicuous about it.

Alex looked at Casey in confusion at first, but when Casey shifted her eyes toward Olivia and Elliot, Alex suddenly yawned, too. "Me, too. Been a long day and a lot to do tomorrow, too."

They said their goodnights and then Olivia and Elliot were alone.

He could not quit looking at the wonder and amazement on her face. She was as thrilled by the tree as his kids had ever been. Perhaps more so. He was simply amazed at her reaction. At her childlikeness. At her beauty.

He could not take his eyes off of her and she could not take her eyes off of the tree. "It's so beautiful, El," she whispered.

The lights reflecting on her face and eyes, gave her a soft look. It hid the stress and tension, and erased the wrinkles that had become more prominent over the last few years. "So are you," he whispered as he placed a kiss on the top of her head, careful of the silk scarf she had tied around it.

"Even without hair?"

"Olivia, I didn't fall in love with your hair. It doesn't make you who you are. Long, short, in between, bald – I've seen it all over the last twelve years – and no matter what…you, Olivia Benson, are beautiful to me."

"And you, Elliot Stabler, need glasses." She poked him in the chest with her index finger, trying to lighten things up a bit.

He grabbed her finger and kissed it before she pulled it away. He knew compliments made her very uncomfortable, but she was just going to have to get over it.

Snuggling closer to him, she wrapped her left arm around his waist and his left hand fell to her shoulder. "I never have a tree." Her admission was soft, quiet – as though it were a confession that needed absolution.

At that moment Elliot's stomach clenched. No tree? Why wouldn't she have a tree, he wondered? He loved Christmas and all that went with it. How could someone not have a tree? There must a good reason. Well, at least a reason she felt was valid. "Never?" he asked.

The answer came in the shake of her head.

His hand had found its way to her neck and he gently massaged it. He could feel the knots of tension and briefly thought about all she had been through the last couple of months. "Why?"

Shrugging, she said, "It's only me. I'm hardly ever home. Who's gonna see it?" She exhaled. "Besides, it's no fun to decorate alone."

This time it was Elliot's heart that clenched. He opened his mouth to speak but couldn't get the words out because the lump in his throat was back.

Shifting, she placed her left hand against his right cheek. "El…thank you." She kissed him yet again.

"For what?" he asked in bewilderment.

"For being here. With me. For showing me what it's like to have someone care. I needed the reminder." Leaning her head on his shoulder, she relaxed. "Merry Christmas, Elliot."

He caressed her cheek with the back of his fingers and whispered "Merry Christmas, Olivia."

From the sound of her breathing, he knew she was already asleep. He grinned and thought to himself that this was a very Merry Christmas because he was holding in his arms what he wanted for too long to remember. Olivia Benson.

~ ~ ~eoeoeoeoeo~ ~ ~

If you live where all the snow is falling you really need to read/re-read my story 'Conditions'.

P.S. Please R&R so I know you are still there and still care. " ) Bensler