I disclaim. I own nothing

AN: Okay, so I finally put everything for my fics in one place. So if you want to know what I imagine Dozer and Cas to look like just check the link in my profile.

Chapter 9

She had to be the one to identify Alexei's body. Tara could still remember getting that call. She'd been in Northern Cali with her father, Alexei, Kozik, and Happy. Her father had suggested she head down to Charming, take Nikolai to visit Gemma. Tara hadn't argued because she wanted to see Jax and Gemma had been up her ass about not bring Nikolai around often enough. What she hadn't realized was that her father was trying to get her out of the way so he and Alexei could meet with Kohn. But she'd been so eager to see Jax, she hadn't asked questions.

Kozik and Happy had stayed with her, her father had insisted on it, and they had just barely pulled into the lot at Teller-Morrow when her cell rang. Gemma had come out to greet them, but Tara could only place Nikolai in her arms before hopping onto the back of Kozik's bike and racing off. When they got to the hospital, she was told she couldn't see her father. That he was in police custody. She didn't know what it was that had the nurse at the desk giving her what little information she could-Lenny had been shot, but he would recover-but Tara was grateful for even that.

It was while she was on the phone with Dylan, arranging for him to represent her father that she was approached by an ATF agent. He asked her to accompany him to the morgue, but he wouldn't meet her eyes. She hadn't understood, almost like her mind simply clicked off on her. Kozik went with her, holding her hand because he obviously understood more than she did.

Tara didn't remember moving through the hospital. The next thing she clearly remembered was standing in the cold impersonal morgue, she'd been placed in front of one of the body storage units, and it was at that point she started to understand. She knew what she would see when they opened the door. And still, she hadn't been prepared.

She'd seen cadavers before, worked on them with a cool detachment that a few squeamish classmates envied. When they pulled back the sheet, she didn't see a cadaver. She saw Alexei; her lover, her friend, the father of her child. She couldn't look at him. She tried to prepare herself, get into the same mindset she did when working on cadavers. But there was no detaching from this. No denying that she knew the body of the man in front of her.

Knew if they pulled the sheet just a bit lower, she'd see her name inked just under his right pectoral. That he had their son's name across his shoulders. She knew that he picked onions out of everything he ate, that he was violently allergic to shellfish. She knew he had a scar behind his left ear from a skateboard accident when he was kid.

She knew that his parents died when he was eight, that he came over from Russia with his uncle Victor two years later. Knew he worked to lose his accent because of how much the other kids teased him. She knew he wanted to take her and Nikolai back to Russia one day, show them the places he spent his childhood.

He loved her, even when she never gave him reason to. He loved Nikolai. Loved him in this big, ridiculous way she couldn't help but fall in love with. She knew he wanted to marry her. The night before they left for California he asked her, gave her a ring, told her he could be what she needed if she just gave him a chance.

She never gave him a chance. Had gone to Charming with the intention of throwing Alexei's proposal in Jax's face. To let him know that if he didn't get his shit together, she was going to marry someone else. And the guilt of that still weighed heavy on her shoulders

Now, as she put all her effort into scrubbing bits of Joshua Kohn out of her carpet all she could see was the body that had laid there. And think about how she didn't know Josh at all. She hadn't known the man that he became or truly was, only knew the one he pretended to be. When she looked at his body as Jax wrapped him up all she saw was the person who killed her child's father. And she hadn't been able to look away.

"What…what are you doing?" Tara's eyes were narrowed, she felt like she was waking from a dream. Nothing made sense. Everything just felt so fucking strange. Not even Jax, standing next to her bed, seemed right. She saw the backpack in his hand and for a moment she didn't even understand what that was.

"I got some of Nik's things." Jax kept his eyes on the bag, he couldn't look at her. He heard just how lost she was in her voice. He couldn't bare to see it in her eyes. Didn't want to see her face the moment she decided to run. "He shouldn't…you can't stay here, Tara. Not now."

Right, Tara thought as she nodded. It wouldn't be a good idea to bring her baby home while a man's brains painted the wall in her bedroom. "I guess…we can stay with Gemma."

"She'll ask why you're not here." And he wasn't even entirely sure why he didn't trust his mother with this. All he knew was that he had to protect Tara. And the fewer people who knew about what they did, the better his chances of keeping her safe were. "My house is empty. You can stay there."

"Okay, I'll take a personal day." She felt better when she had a plan. She felt better with him here and she was no longer alone with her thoughts. "Get our stuff together and head over there." But she wasn't sure just how she'd face her baby. How was she suppose to look him in the eye knowing she killed a man.

When Chibs said they needed a doctor for Cameron, Jax actually breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't want to hover around Tara, crowd her, scare her. But fuck he needed her. Needed her locked tight to his side to know she wouldn't run off on him.

Gemma was pissed, at him and Tara. And Jax was almost grateful for that. As long as she was pissed she wouldn't be looking too close at them. Wouldn't be poking and prodding until she found out just what was wrong. When he said he'd go get Tara she only gave him a look that said he better bring his ass right back.

Jax had gone to his house first, but when he didn't see the Cutlass in the drive didn't bother going in. His next stop had been Op and Donna's, he figured she may have gone there to pick up Nikolai. But Donna told him she hadn't seen Tara since she dropped Nikolai off the night before. He was on his way to her house, confused on why she would even still be there when he realized who he was looking for.

Tara's mind always worked at a frantic pace, going over and through and around things in a way that would make anyone else dizzy. Shit, he never knew how she could stand it. But it made him realize that after what happened, with a mind that worked like hers, there was no way she'd be able to be alone. Tara would have to go to work.

When he found her at the hospital he meant only to see how she was doing and to ask her to come back to the clubhouse with him. But he found himself spilling his guts to her. The words tumbling off his lips without his permission. Although that tended to happen with Tara. His mother was right, something about her pulled at him. Always had and he was feeling more and more like it always would. So when she told him she wasn't going anywhere it was like he could breathe again.

"My mom still mad at us."

Tara stepped back as a few of the boys rolled the Irishman out of the chapel. Her neck, back, and shoulders were a little tight but she the physical discomfort was a welcome change compared to what was going on in her heart and mind. Gemma was out by the bar speaking to a croweater but shooting daggers their way. "Your mom is pissed at us. She looks like she wants to hit me, Jax." And Gemma had never looked at her that way.

"Yeah, she's looking at both of us that way." Jax turned his gaze away from his mother and back to Tara. There were dark circles under her eyes, a tightness in her shoulders. "You wanna go lay down in my room?"

Tara shook her head. She didn't want to be alone. "I…I need to see Nicky." She needed to hold her baby in her arms.

He ended up following her. And like always, Tara was comforted by the sight of him on his bike in her rearview.

Donna and the kids were in the backyard when she got there. She couldn't help but to smile as Nikolai's laughter floated through the yard. He was on the swing, holding tight to the chains as Ellie pushed him. Her heart nearly stopped in her chest when Nikolai, having seen her, leapt off the swing before it came down.

"Mommy!"

Before he could wrap himself around her legs, Tara gathered him into her arms. When her arms tightened around him, Nikolai thought they were playing a game and tightened his arms around her neck as well. This is when he reminded her of Alexei. He was so fearless, so carefree. She loved that he was so unaware of the world they lived in. Knew what her father and Gemma felt as she swore to keep him from any and everything that could cause him harm.

Kohn would have hurt him. He hated any man he even suspected she cared for more than him. Didn't matter if Kohn continued to believe that Nikolai was his son or broke free of his delusion long enough to realize he couldn't be Nikolai's father. The simple fact was she love Nikolai more than she ever loved a single thing in her entire life. Kohn would have eventually seen that.

But even knowing all of that, Tara didn't know how to live with what she's done.

"Hey," Donna approached her friend carefully. There was something about the way Tara was clinging to her son that worried her. And there was a look in her eyes that didn't make her feel better at all. "You okay?"

Tara tried a smile, failed. "Yeah." Wondered if she'd ever be okay again. Would this get easier? Did she want it to? "Just tired."

"Opie told me about the fed." Wrapping an arm around Tara's shoulder she lead her over to the small table and chairs. "I figured you've been thoroughly lectured by everyone about keeping that to yourself, so I won't yell at you like I really want."

"Piney's still not talking to me." Tara mumbled softly. Nikolai was growing restless in her arms, anxious to get down and go play. Reluctantly, she set him on his feet. Watched as he ran full speed at Kenny.

"Well you didn't send him up to the cabin, so that's gotta be worth something." When Tara only shrugged, Donna leaned forward on the table. "You can talk to me. I can see something's bothering you. Talk to me, Tara."

She wanted to. God how she wanted to open her mouth and let the whole story spill from her lips. But it would have been a horrible position to put Donna in. Not to mention a betrayal to Jax that she just could not do. "I'm just tired."

Donna didn't really believe that, but she knew Tara. There was no point pressing her. "Why don't I keep Nik another night? You're off tomorrow, sleep in, get some rest."

Tara thought she should decline the offer. But she knew in her current state she'd be of no use to her son. And the more she thought about it the more she realized she couldn't stay at Jax's house, not the house he bought for and shared with another woman. Especially one he was technically still married to. So she decided she'd stay at the clubhouse. And she couldn't take Nikolai back there, not tonight when everyone was coming in. "You don't mind."

"Of course I don't." Donna watched as Tara stood up and for a moment it looked like she wasn't even sure what she was suppose to be doing. She wanted to ask, again, what was going on. Demand that Tara talk to her, but she knew it was useless. It was one of the things she hated about the club, about the life her friends and husband grew up in, it made them proficient in keeping things from her. On some level she knew they did it to protect her and if she were being honest, she didn't want to know. But she knew a lot of the times they did it out of habit. "Tara-"

"I need a shower"

Tara spoke as if the thought suddenly occurred to her. Like the thoughts were running so fast and furious through her head she tossed out the first one she could latch onto. And Donna was struck with the overwhelming urge to pull her friend into her arms and hang on to her. "Okay. You can use mine and Op's."

"Thanks."

As Tara walked away, Donna turned to look at the children. And not for the first time wondering if raising Ellie and Kenny in the same environment that Opie, Jax, and Tara had been raised in was for the best.

By the time Tara got back to the clubhouse it was an absolute madhouse. She caught sight of Jax easy enough, she never had any trouble finding him in a crowd, sitting at the picnic table with the rest of SAMCRO. By the looks on everyone's face she knew they were discussing business so she knew not to approach them.

"Princess!"

She heard the shout even over the noise, new the voice as well as any other, so was not surprised when she was lifted off her feet and into a pair of well muscled arms.

Bill 'Dozer' Harris was probably one of the most aptly nicknamed men Tara had ever known as he was larger than any two grown men put together. He was the current president of the Tacoma charter, having been personally groomed for the position by her father. He was maybe a few years younger than Clay, but physically in better shape than anyone. Despite being fully immersed in the club, he had always treated his body like a temple. He didn't drink, didn't smoke, and worked out like a fiend. She once saw him pick a full grown man up with one hand and fling him across the room for talking shit about his lifestyle choices. Needless to say, no one had done that again.

"Billy." Tara's arms went around his neck. Over his shoulder her eyes scanned the crowd for Kozik. Although part of her wanted and needed her best friend, another part was afraid that Kozik would take one look at her and see exactly what she'd done.

Dozer set Tara back on her feet, his large hands coming up to frame her face. "Happy told us about that fuck showing up here." His voice was every bit as deep and rough as would be expected of a man of his size. But he always gentled it for her. "You okay?"

Tara was struck with the overwhelming urge to breakdown in tears. It took nearly all her strength to keep her shit together. "Yeah. His superiors called him back to Chicago. According to one of the sheriffs here, he's done."

"Good. When are you coming home?"

Fortunately, Tara was saved from having to answer that question. Unfortunately, it was with a surprise full body tackle. And this greeting was as familiar as Dozer's, though as she was spun around at a dizzying pace didn't hold the same sort of comfort. Castor 'Cas' Howard, criminally charming and almost painfully handsome, was the VP from Tacoma. And third only to Happy and Tig as the single most violent man she'd ever known. But he had a fun and affable veneer that made him far scarier.

"Pretty girl."

Despite her mood Tara couldn't help but laugh as he placed a series of wet playful kisses on the side of her face and neck. "Cas, stop it.

"But I missed you." He dropped her to her feet, gave her a charming grin before pulling her tight to his side in a hold that was more headlock than anything else.

"When I left you said you were glad to be rid of me?"

Cas' arm tightened around her neck. "At the time I was."

"Don't listen to him." Dozer shook his head. "He started missing you and the kid the second you pulled away from the clubhouse."

"Where is little bad ass?"

With Dozer and Cas there was a familiarity and easiness that she missed. If the boys of SAMCRO were Gemma's guys, the boys in Tacoma had been Tara's. But the relationships weren't entirely the same. Although all had considered Tara their queen most remembered her as a little girl, more than a few grew up along side her, and her relationships in the club mirrored this. The men who watched her grow up tended to spoil and fuss over her while the ones she grew up with were teasing and playful.

"I really have missed you guys."

Cas grinned, dimples furrowing deeply in his cheeks. "Then come home. That fucker Kohn is gone, what are you still doing here?" A frown creased his brow. "Oh, right."

Tara turned to see what had caught Cas' attention. Jax was standing a few feet away from them and if the look on his face was any indication, he heard every word spoken between her and Cas.

"I'm not leaving."

Leaning against his bike, Jax kept his arms crossed over his chest but said nothing. The Tacoma charter had always acted as if Tara belonged to and with them. He didn't like how they behaved as though she was their queen even when she had been his Old Lady. "You don't think I know Dozer and Cas aren't the only ones asking you to go back. They know Kohn is gone now, pretty soon Kozik is going to start bringing it up every time you talk to him." The way she averted her gaze told him she knew what he said was true. "Tacoma has always been your home base. And you've always chosen them over SAMCRO."

Tara's eyes hardened. "Don't do that. You have no right to do that. You asked me not to go anywhere."

"I asked you not to go to Chicago, look how fucking well that worked out."

"You never asked, you demanded." She wanted to tell him how she was going to stay, how she'd chosen him over med school. But there would be no point to it now. She could blame it on him, throw Wendy in his face and tell him how he was the one to ruin things. But the truth was, once her father made that speech, once she realized how much her going to med school meant to him-whether Wendy had been in picture or not-she'd have done what her father wanted. "We need to move past that, Jax. It doesn't matter now anyway. I meant what I said earlier. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

Arms falling to his side, Jax moved closer to her. "I know." But he just wasn't sure how long she'd stay.

The next morning Tara couldn't say she was terribly surprised to find herself cornered by Gemma. She knew it was coming sooner or later. To be honest she was glad to get it out of the way.

"I heard Jax telling the prospect to have all that shit cleared out of your room this morning."

Tara nodded as she poured herself a cup of coffee. She knew he wasn't particularly happy about it. If she wouldn't stay at his house, he wanted her to at least stay in his room at the clubhouse. But Tara had already spent too many nights away from her baby, she couldn't leave him at Donna's until they could go back home. It wouldn't be fair to displace Jax from his own bed. So taking her room at the clubhouse for the next few days was best for everyone involved.

"What's going on?" Gemma asked casually.

"Mold." Tara answered simply, focusing on her coffee to avoid looking at Gemma. "It's pretty bad. Got someone to take care of it, but Nicky and I have to be out of there while they do."

It was clear from the look on her face that Gemma wasn't buying any of it. "You sure it doesn't have anything to do with you and Jax bumping pelvises again." Off Tara's shocked look, Gemma rolled her eyes. "You both are practically fucking glowing this morning."

Tara nodded but said nothing.

"Why don't you stay at his house? It's got to be better for Nik there than here."

"I can't stay there. Technically it's still Wendy's."

Gemma scoffed. "Nothing of Jax's is still Wendy's. Not his house, his name, or his son." She gave Tara a pointed look. She could push here where she couldn't with Jax. Tara was always thinking a hundred steps ahead, where Jax lived moment by moment. Gemma thought if she could get Tara looking towards the future, towards what she and Jax could have with their boys, Tara would in turn get Jax on the same page. "You think that junky is going to be of any use to Abel, to Jax. You don't think I know you spend every free minute you have at the hospital with Abel."

Of course she knew. Gemma knew every goddamn thing.

When Tara remained quiet, she had to fight the urge to roll her eyes. "You and Jax, that's the way it's always been meant to be. Give your boys the family they deserve."

"I can't think about this now, Gemma."

"Well you better start, because we both know Jax isn't." Gemma softened her tone as she placed her hand on Tara's shoulder. She gave a nod out towards the clubhouse. "This isn't you, baby. And this isn't what you want for your boy."

"I can't…Wendy isn't gone, Gemma. That's her son, her house. Jax hasn't told me he wants any of those things with me. I can't just assume that he does." Because if it turned out he didn't, if Wendy came back and he tried to make his marriage work, it would kill her. She couldn't do it to Nikolai. Couldn't put Jax in his life, not knowing if he'd stay.

"I know my son. And you know him, too. You have to get this together Tara, before it spends out of your control." And Gemma knew better than anyone just how quickly that could happen.