"Snake Eyes, Cobra is going to power up the Death Star – I mean Pulse Cannon!" Princess Leia – no, wait, Scarlett cried. "Go take out the control room or something! Red Leader – uh, Heavy Duty and the X-wing pilots are counting on you."
I think you mean 'submarine pilots.'
"Does it really matter at this point, Luke?" Scarlett asked.
Snake Eyes shook his head, and raced off down the stairs. Meanwhile, in a completely different part of the base, Storm Shadow perked up. He stared intently at nothing for a moment, then turned to a random techie.
"He is here," Storm Shadow hissed.
"You look awfully excited," the techie said. "Besides, how do you know?"
"I felt a tremor in the Force, er, qi," Storm Shadow replied. "I last felt it in Paris."
"Are you sure it isn't just those cafeteria burritos? Seriously, those things don't even qualify as food. As soon as we get out of this frozen hellhole, I'm going to Oaxaca to get real Mexican food. Besides, Snake Eyes fell off a car. I'm pretty sure he's dead," the techie said.
"Don't underestimate a ninja," Storm Shadow replied, stalking off. "I find your lack of faith disturbing."
For a moment, the techie watched Storm Shadow's retreating back. Then, he turned to another worker who sat at a nearby station. "You know, sometimes he really freaks me out," the first techie whispered. "Did you know he can see through walls?"
"Sure," the other guy said. "Storm Shadow is real scary. Keep your mind off him by monitoring those stress readings for excess torsion in the Pulse Cannon, capiche?"
"I don't appreciate busting my butt to get away from all the Sues who mobbed you and then being characterized as a Darth Vader-wannabe," Storm Shadow said.
There were a couple Sues who were there for you, Snake Eyes said.
"Yeah. Green-eyed Asian chick, Asian chick who kept calling me a chauvinist, Asian chick who thought that it was hot to beat me up, and Asian chick who insisted I was stalking her," Storm Shadow said. "You can understand why I made pretty quick work of all of them."
Because they were horrible characters? Snake Eyes asked.
"Yes, partially. There were other reasons, though: I'm sort of insulted that everyone assumes that Asian girls are my type just because I happen to be Japanese, I'm frightened that I have fans that would inflict their crappy OCs on me, I'm annoyed that these women are trying to steal my spotlight…I'm sure you understand," Storm Shadow said.
Snake Eyes nodded, more out of habit than truth.
"Remind me to thank Engineering for these convenient little platforms," Storm Shadow said. "Otherwise, you would have just pushed me to my death when you tackled me through that plate-glass window. Not like you would ever try and kill me, right, Snake Eyes?"
This is a post-Resolute world, Storm Shadow. You're fair game, Snake Eyes said.
"But the whole point of our rivalry is that you can't bring yourself to kill me," Storm Shadow said.
Why wouldn't I want to kill you? You murdered the Hard Master in cold blood! Snake Eyes said.
"First, I'm not a reptile; second, I didn't do it," Storm Shadow said.
Snake Eyes's confusion was tangible. You didn't do it?
"No, of course not!" Storm Shadow said. "I'm at Cobra trying to find the killer."
Then why the heck haven't you said anything before? It's not like you've had twenty years to explain yourself.
"You aren't a very good listener, and Soft Master's current orders are to kill me on sight. Who was I supposed to tell?" Storm Shadow demanded.
Hey, I think I'm a great listener—
"Get away from my man, bitch!" A blonde blur dove onto the platform where Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow stood. "I heard that you're trying to put the moves on Snake Eyes, you skanky white ninja, and I'm not going to let you have him!"
Storm Shadow frowned. "That's certainly an odd idea, given that the last time we were on marginal good terms was when we were ten."
With a scream of rage, the Sue launched herself at Storm Shadow. Storm Shadow had only moments to choose a course of action. So he hurled himself into the abyss.
"That problem's solved, Snake Eyes," the Sue crooned, worming herself into Snake Eyes's arms. "Now, why don't we just settle down for our life of domestic bliss? I'm thinking Phoenix Amethyst Eleanora for a girl, or Dante Ebenezer Konstantin for a boy. Aren't they wonderful–"
"No, they aren't," Storm Shadow snarled, interrupting Snake Eyes. "I was the Phoenix Master before any of these girls decided to name themselves after a city in Arizona."
That's a ridiculously obscure reference, Snake Eyes said.
"Do I look like I care?" Storm Shadow asked.
Snake Eyes wrested out of her grasp and clambered to the edge of the platform. He looked down. Storm Shadow had magically managed to not resurface, despite the natural buoyancy of the human body, and Snake Eyes sat down to wait.
"Snake Eyes, why are you waiting? Come on, we have things to do, weddings to plan, and babies to make!" the Sue whined, practically pulling Snake Eyes's arm off as she dragged him away. "Storm Shadow is dead. He totally froze to death."
Have you ever heard of Captain America? Snake Eyes asked.
"Only nerds read comic books," she sneered. "Let's go."
Snake Eyes looked at Storm Shadow. So, how did you escape? he asked.
"I grew gills and swam," Storm Shadow replied.
Really.
"I made like Sherlock Holmes and fooled you, Watson," Storm Shadow said.
Are you actually going to tell me?
"Fine," Storm Shadow grumbled. "Here it goes."
Storm Shadow, meanwhile, clambered onto a service ladder and hauled himself back into the control room. He glanced out the door and through a window in the. The base was falling apart, and he had to get out. The Joes were the only ones with transportation off the ice, and they were never going to let him ride along. Unless…
He ripped a helmet and suit off of the sprawled body of Viper and shimmied in. Storm Shadow sprinted to the control room, hoping to catch one particular member of the team. He glanced around, and saw them. Storm Shadow stood outside the door, waiting…
When the Joes broke for the door, their mission accomplished, Storm Shadow whisked Breaker aside.
"Breaker, are you tired of the other guys teasing you for never doing anything in battle?" Storm Shadow hissed. "You know, they always make you ride in the van with Heavy Duty because they think you're ineffective. Wouldn't it be great if you captured me? They'd never leave you behind again. Think of all the upsides …"
Breaker considered it a moment. "Why should I trust you?"
"If I stay here, I'll die," Storm Shadow replied. "I'm motivated."
Breaker shrugged. "Sounds cool. I'll let Scarlett deal with you later." Both men scampered into the elevator, and they reached the top of the ice just as everything began to break apart.
When the prisoners came in, it was chaos. There were literally hundreds of Cobra employees – Vipers, pilots, secretaries, technicians, janitors – and Storm Shadow easily slipped away. He heaved himself into the ventilation, carefully replaced the vent behind him, and crept as softly as sin into the dormitories of the base. He was looking for one room, one woman who might just help him out of here. She owed him a favor, anyway. It had been a little while, but he was sure she would remember…
Storm Shadow dropped into her room, but she wasn't there. He didn't know how long he had, but he figured he would hear her coming if she did happen to drop by.
He headed for the closet.
"Jinx, what did you do to your hair?"
Storm Shadow turned and saw a traumatized man standing behind him. Shoot. He'd hoped he wouldn't' have to talk, but he was sort of trapped now. "I got a haircut, okay?" Storm Shadow snapped. "It's supposed to be like Audrey Hepburn."
"No, it's really cute," the guy said. "I like it, really. It just caught me off guard, that's all-"
"That's no way to talk to a woman, Budo," said another guy. "By the way, Jinx, you're looking short n' sassy."
"Oh yeah, like that's somehow better, because reciting clichés somehow makes everything okay," Budo said. "You think you're special, Falcon, just because your brother got asked onto Team Alpha."
"Oh, come on. You're basically a Team Epsilon version of Snake Eyes without the ninja-ness. I mean, seriously, what's so cool about samurai?" Falcon asked.
"And you're an Epsilon Minus version of Duke," Budo replied, "Without the self-control and honor of a samurai. Did I mention that I'm willing to disembowel myself if I kill an unarmed man?"
"It's Team Epsilon, dipstick," Falcon replied.
"It was a Brave New World reference, dipstick," Budo replied.
"Look guys, I have to get going," Storm Shadow said.
"Hey, Kimi…do you have a cold or something?" Falcon asked. "Your voice sounds a little different."
"Yeah. A cold," Storm Shadow said. "Listen, I'll see you guys later."
"Where are you going?" Budo asked.
"Back to my room," Storm Shadow said, backing towards the hallway he'd just come from.
"Really? Because you usually don't wear huge sunglasses and a hat at the same time, especially if you're going to be inside all day," Budo said.
"It's a tragedy, really. It's so hard to see your pretty face underneath those things," Falcon said.
It took everything Storm Shadow had not to run.
A/N: No, I didn't forget about the Night Raven. I just thought that it was better that this was all one chapter, instead of doing the cut-scene thing per the movie. I'll also include the submarine chase-scene/Star Wars battle later.