TORIS

Geneva, 2004

That was our special spot. Mine and hers. And now she was sitting there with him, snogging like the teenagers they were.

"C'mon, Leedu. The vernissage has already started - better get over with that boring shit as soon as possible."

I turned around to impatient Eduard, struggling to act casual.

"Unless, of course, you'd rather stay here and glare a hole into that guy."

Alright. I guess I wasn't as smooth as I thought.

"Gimme that." I tore the half finished cigarette out of his fingers and inhaled, then doubled up in that familiar cough fit. Once again, I was laughed at. What can I say? My brain was craving the nicotine, but my lungs just wouldn't have any.

"I mean… what does he have that I don't?" I hissed as we were passing them by. Not that they could hear me - they were too busy trying to eat each other anyway. "Except for the blond hair," I quickly added. "And the olympic body. The big house. The G8 membership." Only then did I notice the French champagne and finest Swiss chocolates sticking out of their picnic basket. And I hadn't even bought her a pack of generic biscuits. "And the money," I sighed.

"Her." He pointed subtly at Eva. "He's got her."

Asshole.

HYNEK

Prague, 2004

Apart from this minor inconvenience, I had every reason to be happy. Now that me, Eva, Feliks and some others became members of the EU, new doors seemed to be opening at every step. Needless to say we had work to do.

A couple of months later, I had the Canadian on the phone, so I asked whether he was enjoying his new relationship status. His yes didn't sound convincing. After some insisting, he finally choked it out.

"She wants to kiss in public all the time. It's inappropriate," he mumbled almost inaudibly.

"You mean that noisy kind of thing with lots of tongue involved, usually associated with groping?"

"No. She's just kissing me. On the lips. But really passionately," he added.

"Well, what's wrong with that?" I had to admit I was pretty lost.

"It's… inappropriate. Borderline embarrassing. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with it."

Hmm. Isn't Eva the religious one in the couple?! He's probably more discreet than I believed. Alright. Think, Hynek, think. I could simply tell him to be honest with her. After that, they will probably find a compromise and spent a few more months together until he gets tired of her, changes his number and breaks her heart just like I knew he would.

Or I could not tell him and make it much quicker. You know what they say about band-aids...

"Try having bad breath," I said, struggling not to giggle. For a while, there was nothing but silence.

"Never mind. Thanks for listening to me. Bye bye."

(A/N: Maťo = a Slovak equivalent for "Mattie")

A month later, I ran into Eva who was just doing the weekly shopping. Her cart was overflowing with kippers, blue cheese, garlic bread and powdered onion soup.

"For Maťo." She smiled sweetly. "He's been crazy about them lately."

"Doesn't it bother you? You see, smooching and stuff," I wondered.

"Well, he does get a bit self-conscious. He tries not to kiss me too much, but, honestly, it only makes me want him more. I love it when he tastes of my favorite food!"

Prague, still in 2004

"She drinks too much when she's over at my place," Matthew sighed.

Knowing her, she probably just doesn't appreciate the taste of local water. But he doesn't need to know that, does he?

"Oh, that. Don't worry about it. The booze is like a fuel to our whole family. She can't help it and it's not like it could kill her, aren't I right? Just make sure you always have plenty at home. Plenty, plenty. So she won't get mad."

Silence.

"I'm…. not sure whether I like this," he admitted at last. Now we're getting somewhere, I thought in satisfaction.

"Chill out, You'll get used to it. That's the price to pay for a piece of Slavic beauty."

The next time I borrowed Eva's computer to Google something, the autocomplete suggested 'what to do if someone is shopping excessively and refuses to admit it'. I concluded that both of them were clever enough not to lose time with an alcoholic/a shopaholic and could basically already hear random guys whispering that Eva Kučerová was single again.

So I lit up a celebratory cigarette and went on searching 'what to do if my boss seems attracted to me' (please don't ask).

Prague, 2005

Only God knows how and why, but a year later, they were still together. That was when it all got pretty intriguing.

"Shopping is all she wants to do these days…" he moaned in sheer despair.

"Really. What is she buying?"

"Mmm." He took a moment to think. "Clothes. Mostly underwear."

I smiled despite myself. That couldn't get any clearer, could it? She was buying lingerie to get his interest. To get him to peek inside the changing room, see her wearing it, possibly help her take it off. In other words, she was ready to take their relationship to another level. But we don't want that happening, do we?!

"I see. It's getting expensive, isn't it?"

"Not really. She seems to have a knack for sniffing out bargains. I just get bored waiting for her outside the changing room."

At that stage, I would have sworn he was pulling my leg.

"Then buy yourself a PSP," I joked back. I'd like to have your GDP and your love problems, man.

On the Way to Visegrad Four Meeting, still in 2005

Women change once they've known a man. It's difficult to describe - as if, all of a sudden, they had a deeper understanding of the world and the people living in it. Especially their own selves.

Intimacy is a part of every healthy relationship and at some point, you inevitably start longing for that ultimate physical closeness. Even so, despite almost two years of having a boyfriend, Eva was still as pure as the day I first met her. And didn't really seem all that frustrated about it.

"Come on, there must be something you don't like about him."

I almost bit my tongue off as she jammed on the breaks, trying to prevent a speeding BMW from turning us into mush.

"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKER?!" she yelled out of the window. "Well… he does have this weird habit of buying tons of alcohol despite barely drinking any," she continued in a soft tone. "At first I was worried, but then I concluded that there were worse addictions in the world. And, just between us, it gives me an excuse to drink more." She chuckled.

"About the game console he carries everywhere. Don't you feel neglected?"

"Not at all!" she exclaimed. "Quite the contrary. I kept borrowing it so often that he ended up getting me a matching one! Did you know there are games designed for two?! We're having so much fun now! I actually feel like I'm starting to get to truly know him! We've got so much to discover about each other. And to say I just wanted to rush into -"

She didn't finish the sentence, just blushed really hard, pretending to be reading the road signs which she already knew by heart.

Wonderful. So while struggling to set them apart, I only brought them closer together. Alright. I really hoped it wouldn't come to this, but desperate situations call for desperate measures.

I tried my last resort.

"Eva, you do realize that man is responsible for Céline Dion?!"

"I don't mind Céline Dion." She shrugged and smiled.

Wow.

Her love is both deaf and blind.