[Disclaimer] I own nothing.
[A/N] Just a quick heads up I posted two chapters together, so just make sure you have a read chapter 10 before confusion ensues reading this one first ;). I won't ramble too much this time, here's chapter 11, it's the longest chapter I've ever written. Hope you all enjoy it. -KTF
[Rating change] I decided on upping the rating to M because of strong language, and alcohol use that appeared in my past few chapters and in this one also.
As soon as the elevator door shut on her, Paige fell to the ground, her breathing harsh and breathless as warm water droplets created path after path down her cheeks. She felt dizzy and nausitated, the room in the elevator seemed as if it was growing smaller. Her vision blurring as a rush of blood surged around her body, the rapid drum of her pulse ringing in her ears. She focused for a second, finding the emergency stop button not wanting to make a scene once the elevator reached it's destination on the ground floor, deciding the small confines of the elevator, although suffocating, were a safer bet for the moment.
Curling up into a ball she tried to fight against the sobs racking her body, taking away the chance of a good gasp of oxegen. She tried to force air into her lungs, tried counting or singing a song in her head just like her doctor had recommended. Nothing was working. She finally focused in on the sound of ringing of the emergency stop button, the sound began draining out the torturous sound of her pulse, only alerting her to how fast her heart was racing. She focused in on it enough that she could ease her breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Slowly counting down from ten, she unravelled herself sitting up now, her back against the cool metal panelling of the elevator, her feet stretched out before her. Taking a few more minutes to compose herself, she eventually found the strength to stand upright. Peering into the mirror which lined the upper half of the elevator, she tried to hide any evidence of the panic attack she just had.
Paige took one last large gulp of air before pressing the emergency stop button back into place, so the elevator could continue it descent. She desperately hoped the emergency stop button wasn't on long enough for it to cause any real interest by the building's care taker, knowing she hadn't pressed for assistance or attempted to open the strong metal doors she suspected it shouldn't have.
That was the first panic attack Paige had in over two years. She wasn't ready to accept what had just happened, ultimately deciding it would be best to keep it to herself, not even willing to tell Alex about the situation.
Once the doors opened, Paige offered the older man sat with his feet up behind a desk a forced smile, hoping it would ward off any suspicion he may have. Lucky for her the old man gave a kind smile in return wishing her a good night. Paige began to relax once again feeling herself enraptured by the cool New York air, it was a nice night, at least Paige thought so. The air was cool with small bite to it, but it made it feel fresher than most New York days, it was exactly what she needed.
Her thoughts were distracted by the faint sound of her phone, not recognising it immediately as she wasn't familiar with the new ringtone. On noticing it was her's ringing she answered it calmly. It was Alex.
"Sure Lex... I can pick up some beers. Anything else?" Paige spoke into the phone.
"Cool... no worries, babe. I'll be home in ten." Paige continued.
"Yeah, staying in sounds like a great idea! Love ya too... see ya soon, Lex. Bye" Paige smiled, the phone call a nice distraction and she was looking forward to just spending the night wrapped up with her girlfriend on the sofa, watching one of the cheap reality shows Alex seemed to loved. Paige deciding then and there that she was going to put everything else out of her mind, she only had a few days remaining with Alex before she flew back to the UK for a week and she wanted to make the most of them.
Paige was running around the room, tidying up. Alex would be leaving for the airport tomorrow for her last trip home to the UK to organise the last of her stuff to be sent off to New York. She was only going back to London for a week, but Paige could already feel herself missing her girlfriend. The last few days were as close to perfect as they could get, they visited all the typical tourist destinations in New York something Paige wanted to treat Alex to, before she became a true New Yorker. They spent many hours breathlessly enraptured, entangled and entwined with the other in their shared bed and had talked numerous times on how they were going to spent their time in New York once Alex had moved over here completely. Oftentimes their conversations shooting a wave of butterflies across Paige's stomach tickling her insides with the prospect of getting to finally fully settle down with the love of her life, the two never quiet reaching that stage while in the UK giving Paige's time at university, work, and moving around the UK together from Scotland to Newcastle then London and now to the US, to New York.
Paige threw on her coat hoping she'd have enough time while Alex was in the shower to go and run down to the corner cafe and pick up some fresh coffee and salad for lunch. Paige placed her hand into her coat pocket, her hand immediately coming in contact with the small velvet box she had put in there only yesterday, it seemed like a safer place especially given the close call she had yesterday morning. Alex had started rooting through the boxes in search of one of her old books she suspected Paige packed up and brought with her to New York. She knew it was probably still too soon to propose to Alex, but before Alex arrived in the states Paige had in mind that maybe she should propose when the moment was right whilst her girlfriend was here for the week, but something in her told her to hold off. One part of her told her it was having Emily back in her life but she quickly pushed that thought aside giving it no weight, and quickly convincing herself it would be better to do it in the New Year. She quickly changed her mind to the 22nd of January to be precise, the day the two had uttered the words 'I love you' for the very first time. The moment occurred after the two had awoken after a night sharing a bed together for the very first time, innocently sleeping side by side after Alex had falling asleep during one of Paige's favourite black and white films. Paige not wanting to wake her petite girlfriend just pulled her closer keeping the chill of a cold Scottish night as far away as possible, before finally letting herself drift off into the world of sleep. When they awoke the following morning, no words appeared to break the silence of Paige's small single bedroom apartment. Their eyes, one pair brown the other green traced over each other's features, memorising every single detail that appeared there.
"I think I'm falling for you, Paige McCullers" Alex broke the silence, a sense of fear lingering on her words, as she tried her best to read her girlfriend's expression.
"Say it..." Paige whispered out, her eyes not once straying from her girlfriends.
Hesitation hung in the air before bravery ensured "I love you, Paige McCullers".
"I love you too, Alexandria Brown".
It was up until that point close to 3 months after they entered a relationship, did it really began to grow and flourish. Paige had kissed and slept with other women since she and Emily broke up but they were never anything serious. When she and Alex first began dating their relationship was incredibly timid, Paige was terrified of opening her heart up to another girl out of fear of getting it ripped painfully apart once again. Frightened to open up to someone, to spill open her thoughts, feelings and aspirations at the thought that one day they'd mean nothing to that person. Petrified by the idea that she would maybe get another chance at love, and that she may even be deserving of it. It was on the 22nd of January 2016 that Paige McCullers took a huge risk, one she hoped would pay off soon when she finally decided she would propose to her girlfriend, three years later.
She also hadn't planned on buying the ring so soon but when she walked past the vintage antique store on her way home from work on her last week in London the small ring in the dusty window caught her eye. She told herself if it was in Alex's size she would buy it, but what was the likelihood of that being the case, so she allowed herself to continue on. She continued past the shop but it was like a magnetic force was pulling her back telling her to buy it. Curiosity eventually got the better of the chest-nut haired girl as she walked into the shop. Who knew when she would exit the shop she'd be £750 poorer, granted she was proud of herself having charmed the old shop keeper into knocking £200 off the original asking price. She had been saving for her trip home but her parents offered to pay for her flights last minute, so she was lucky to have the extra cash on hand.
Paige always thought whoever she would propose to would end up getting her late paternal grandmother's ring. The ring is traditionally supposed to go to the grandmother's daughter but considering Paige's dad only has two brothers, then by default it should go to the eldest granddaughter. Paige wasn't the eldest granddaughter on that side of the family, but her grandmother had insisted it went to Paige, the two always shared an intrinsic and close connection. Paige was terrified of coming out to her grandmother, afraid of breaking the bond the two seemed to cherish with everything. She was terrified because of the way her parents particularly her father, had reacted when she first told them, she didn't want to be a disappointment to her grandmother like she had felt when she first came out to her parents. Fortunately, it took them a few weeks to adjust and they were more than accepting of Paige now, she was worried that may be a little different when it came to her grandmother. But as soon as she finally uttered the words to her grandmother about being gay, about Emily and how much she loved her girlfriend she found herself wrapped within the older woman's warm hold, a comforting embrace and truthfully it was the first time she had ever really felt accepted. She still had her grandmother's ring, but Paige knew deep down she could never give that to Alex. Paige had only ever imagined one woman wearing that ring, and although that girl would never know of it, it would always belong to her. It would belong to Emily forever.
Paige took out the small black velvet box and opened it slightly, the three diamonds gleaming brightly as they were hit by the overhead light, Paige smiled to herself, before quickly closing the box and then placing it back into the safety of her pocket. She hadn't thought of another safe hiding spot yet, but she'd worry about that once Alex was safely across the other side of the Atlantic Ocean.
Paige quickly grabbed her keys and purse not bothered searching for her phone before running out to collect the coffee, and lunch she had planned on.
"Hey Lex? I'm just heading out for two minutes kay?" Paige called out hoping Alex would hear her over the noise of the shower.
"Sure thing, Hun" She heard her girlfriend reply.
Paige quickly ran out the door, returning quicker than she had anticipated, the cafe was empty which was unusual for a Friday, but she was glad none the less. Alex was still in the shower, now singing loudly to herself making Paige's heart swell, unfortunately the girl didn't have a note in her head but that only made Paige adore her even more so.
Her train of thought was interrupted by the sound of her phone ringing, she found it tossed on the bed under the covers, the ringing dying out just as she got her hand on it.
2 missed calls: Samantha
Paige's brain rattled trying to think of a Samantha in her phonebook, she thought it may have been one of her new colleagues, but she was pretty sure she remembered all their names. It suddenly dawned on her that it was Alex's phone she had picked up, she had mistaken it for her own new one after Alex took her usual cover off. She was about to put it onto the night stand for her girlfriend, when a message came through, Paige's eyes automatically reading the words onscreen.
Hey Al, can't wait til you're home. Can you come straight over to mine when you arrive? I've missed you so much. See you soon –Sam xxx
Paige tried to rationalise the text in her head, 'it's an innocent text, 'Sam' could just be a friend. She's just a friend Paige. Alex would never cheat on you. Two and a half years, she wouldn't throw it all away. Two and a half years. Alex would never cheat'. Paige sat down on the edge of the bed, her eyes reading and re-reading the phone screen before her. Her breath staggering as she tried to calm herself, not wanting to fall within the smothering confines of another panic attack, especially when the text might not mean anything at all.
"Paige?" Alex interrupted when she came out of their ensuite bathroom.
"I…umm…You, you got a message from Sam" Paige didn't look up afraid of what Alex's expression might tell her.
"Oh…"
"Yeah, ummm here's your phone Alex… I picked it up thinking it was mine" Paige tried at normalcy hoping Alex wouldn't react in any certain way.
"Paige… can I explain?" Alex added, her voice low. Realisation finally hitting Paige like a stinging slap to the face.
"No! Explain what? It's just a text from a friend, right?" Paige's voice grew louder, and shook with anger and frustration. Tears burning behind her eyes.
"Paige, I'm sorry…" Alex tried explain again.
"You wouldn't… you wouldn't cheat!" Paige voice balancing between anger, shock and fear. "You're sorry… You're fucking sorry! You love me… We're in love, this isn't supposed to happen" Paige yelled standing up off the bed now to vent her frustration.
"Yes, of course I love you… Paige I love you so much, I can end it. It was a mistake. I'm sorry." Alex pleaded tears now streaming down her face, she moved forward to grab a nearby robe to wrap around her towel clad body.
"You can end it? Fuck it, Alex… it's too fucking late. When did it happen?"
"Paige, it doesn't matter… I screwed up okay, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry"
"Quit with the games…Just fucking tell me, Alex!"
"It only happened a few weeks back, you were here in New York and well I was in London… you kept going on about how happy you were, you had reconnected with all you friends… and Emily."
"Do not make this about Emily" Paige's tone a little more defeated this time, as sadness and realisation of the situation really began to overwhelm her.
"I was lonely and missing you… you didn't seem to miss me. Every time we talked you would bring them up, you would somehow mention her" Alex voice hissed this time.
"They're my friends, Alex. My fucking friends… Emily's my friend too, but nothing more than that. That ended 5 years ago. I thought if anyone understood that, it was you!"
"Paige you know it's about her, it always fucking about her… don't even try to deny it" Alex voice roared back.
"What made you think I'd ever go back there? You of all people know how much she hurt me. How fucking broken I was Alex. I fell for YOU, Alex! Nothing or no one could have ever changed that, so stop fucking trying to pass this off as my fault. You're the one who fucking screwed up two and a half years" Paige walked around the room irritated and on edge, trying to stop her emotion from engulfing her.
"Paige stop fucking playing the victim, you had a hard life, so what. Boo fucking hoo. Grow a pair and get on with it like the rest of the world. I didn't even need to be here to realise you were fucking falling for her all along. If Emily came along with open arms tomorrow you would be back there in like the drop of a hat. Don't fucking pretend like you wouldn't?"
"Fuck you Alex! You know Emily is a part of my life, whether you or I like it. You were the one. It was always you, Alex. You were it for me, and it's a fucking mess now. You're the one who gave up on us. On this! Giving the choice between you and Emily, it would always be you, Alex. It would've always fucking been you." Paige's voice cracking as she shouted in response.
"Yeah, fucking right you'd chose me" Alex hissed sarcastically in return.
"You were the one who fucking cheated remember. Not me. I love you, Alex… I LOVED you! You were the one to screw us over. Not me!" Paige's anger flared again.
"Fuck you, Paige!" Alex retaliated.
"You know, I hope she was fucking worth it... because you can go right back to her. We're done. I'm done. Alex it's over!" Paige voice breaking again as her body trembled with adrenaline, anger and the fight to hold back her want to just collapse on the floor and cry.
Alex still riled up was now on a mission to hurt Paige, "Yeah you know what babe, she was fucking worth it. Worth it every single time we were together. It must have been about fifteen times, just in case you wanted to know, Hun. Also it was so much fucking better than your lame attempts at getting me off. Goodbye Paige", the other girl hissed out, a cruel smirk plastering her face.
"Fuck you, Alex..." Paige voiced softly, her demeanour now completely broken as she grabbed her keys, wallet and found her new phone over on the coffee table before walking out of their shared apartment, not even worried about not closing the door behind her.
Paige just walked and walked not really knowing where she was going. She eventually came across a small bar located on the end of a street corner. She didn't know where exactly she was but she also didn't really care.
She entered the small bar, it wasn't the nicest of places and looked kind of rustic. There was a few guys sat together down the far end of the bar, and a few other people dotted around sitting at tables.
"Beer and tequila" Her stomach nearly flipped on just saying the word tequila but she knew it got her drunk. "Actually make that two… please" Paige asked the barman, thankful he didn't ask any questions.
"Here you are, my Darlin'" The Barman said in what Paige suspected was a faint Irish accent as he placed a beer mat down in front of her before placing the cold beer on top. 'O' Malleys' she read the name of the bar on the beermat.
She quickly downed her first shot of tequila, using the beer as a chaser not at all bothered by the lemon slice he offered. Her body nearly rejected the stomach churning liquid but she held it down. She quickly downed the other shot and sat quietly drinking her beer, her head bent over hanging low, not in the mood to face the world just yet.
"Rough day?" The barman asked, placing another beer down in front of the pale girl, as she was approaching the end of her first glass.
"How'd you know?" Paige let out a saddened laugh, a single tear rolling off her cheek, she could've sworn the world stopped turning just for moment as it made contact with the dirty tiled floor.
"Lucky guess..." The barman laughed lightly hoping to lift Paige's mood.
"How about another tequila?" Paige asked not satisfied with how long it was taking the alcohol to take over her system. Take over her thoughts.
"Sure thing, wanna talk about it... bar men are like the cheap man's therapist" Pouring out another shot for Paige. Paige quickly grabbing the glass as soon as it was full and threw it back. "Here's one on the house… you look like you need it" The barman poured her a fourth shot, and placing another bottle of beer on the counter top for when she finished her second glass.
"It's over. We're done" Was all Paige could say, her head falling in defeat again, as her vision became blurred looking at the floor thanks to her tears.
"One more?" Paige pleaded, this time the barman looked a little weary. "Please?" He poured her another shot of tequila, she knew the alcohol was racing around her body as the room was already starting to sway from left to right, but the images of the text message, the words Alex had said still danced at the forefront of her memory she just wanted to forget it all.
"Beer?" she murmured quietly. "No more m'dear, finish that last one and then we're going to get you a taxi home, okay Darlin'"
"I don't want to go… to go… to go home, she'll be fucking sat there, s'probably with a smug as fuck look across her face..." Her words becoming increasingly slurred.
"Fine, what about a friend's place? Or family?" The bar man continued not wanting to further upset the girl.
"I have friends; Spencer and Hanna…and Caleb, Aria and Hanna and Toby and Spencer and…Emily... oh and Jakey and..." Paige listed off sluggishly trying to remember her closest friends.
"Okay what about staying at Emily's?" The barman heard a name and decided to go with it.
"Nooooo… not that one" Paige slurred, sitting up quickly almost falling off her seat as she wagged her finger dramatically at the bar man.
"Okay… umm Spencer, what about him?" Paige burst out laughing catching the barman by surprise, "Spencer's a girl… Spencer, what about Spencer? Do you know her?" Paige laughed and then looked at the barman confused about how he knew Spencer.
"Can you go to Spencer's house… maybe stay with her? I can get you a taxi" The barman offered.
"Sure, do you know where her house is… where she lives?" Paige questioned "I forget the way" Paige scratched her head trying her best to remember Spencer's address.
"Ok fine… do you know where Hanna lives?" The barman sighed worried he may not be able to help.
"I do… Parkview complex, Apartment 12, 75th street Upper East Side, Manhattan" Paige recited off.
"Ok you're sure?"… Paige nodded "Yep…sooooo very sure".
"Okay, I'll get you a cab, m'dear" The older man went to walk away from Paige.
"Hey Sir, Mr Barman…Sir? Since you're basically throwing me out… which I don't blame you, I'd throw me out too, how about you let me buy a bottle of that riiiight there" Paige said squinting her eyes, her finger just about accurately pointing to a medium sized bottle bourbon sitting on the liquor shelf behind the bar.
"I'm sorry, I can't really do that… I don't think you need anymore to drink anyway, Dear" The man said, his concern for the chest-nut haired girl ever growing.
"You're very very nice Sir, but I need more… it still hurts, how about some directions tooo a liquor store, somewhere. I can go myself. I can do that, right me?" Paige announced hitting herself lightly on her chest with a pointed finger towards her heart.
"Okay young lady, you really remind me a lot of my only daughter. If my daughter was ever in a position like yours I'd hope someone would look out for her like this. I'll give you the liquor but you have to go to your friend's house. Deal?" Paige nodded, making a half attempt at a thumbs up this time.
"I hope you're daughter never ends up in a situation like this, Sir... it's just too goddamn painful!" Paige voice close to a whisper, the barman just barely meeting her gaze.
"Hey Sean, you get a taxi outside please?" The Barman shouted over at a younger guy close to Paige's age who was standing by a pool table down the back, Paige guessing it was his son.
Paige rooted in her wallet for her card so she could pay for the drinks, the older man took it looking at the name. "Hey Paige… don't worry about paying now, you can come back another time and pay me back then" The man pushed the card back in Paige's direction. "No no no… please let me pay, you're a very good friend and a very nice man and It's really not nice to just not pay" This time the man took her payment, knowing if he didn't he'd more than likely end up with an argument on his hands.
"Hey Dad, Taxi's out front"
"Come on Paige, let's get you home safely" the man walked around the bar to help Paige. She was off the stool before he could help and her legs gave way under her "Fuck it…" She yelped, her phone and keys as well as the little velvet box fell out of her pocket. The barman helped her up, picking up her things in the meantime. Paige grabbed the velvet box picking the ring out to look at it once more.
"You're limping did you hurt your leg?" The bar man expressing more concern.
"I did, but that was a while back, it's… it'sa getting better" She slurred a reply.
Paige stood at the side of the yellow taxi as the barman pulled open the door, talking to the driver for a minute and stating the address Paige needed to get to. Paige threw the velvet box violently down the street, the ring still clenched between her fingers. The ring meant everything. It also now meant absolutely nothing.
Paige just simply let it go, it fell to the ground just by her feet as she climbed into the back of the cab, finally free of her burden.
"Here's my side of the deal" The older man said passing her the medium sized bottle of bourbon "Go easy on it, okay Paige?".
"Thank you…." Paige squinted again trying to remember if the bar man had mentioned his name. "Billy."
"Thank you, Billy" Paige offered a broken smile, tears watering behind her eyes again.
"Goodnight, Paige. Look after yourself" Billy gave her a soft smile in return, 'I'll try' she thought to herself. Billy closed the door signalling for them to drive on. But immediately there was a bang on the roof, Billy opened the door again. "I think you dropped this, Paige dear. Have a goodnight" he said handing her the ring, before he closed the door again.
Paige eyes fixed on the ring in her hand, a soft sob escaping her lips. She twisted open the bottle of amber liquid taken a big mouthful, burning her throat on the way down. She just wanted the pain to disappear.
"Ma'am, we here" The driver exclaimed, the journey seemed very short but Paige figured she had fallen asleep in the back of the cab on the way.
"Pay you? How much…" She questioned her words barely coherent.
"You're friend took care it, it's fine."
"Thank you" she managed as she struggled with opening the door, trying her best not to fall over she made her way over to the entrance of the apartment block.
Hanna had given her a spare key for when she was living there for a few days. Although it took her about ten minutes, she eventually got inside to the foyer and walked towards the elevator, finding a pass card Hanna had also given her to enter the lift. As soon as she entered she pressed number 12, while waiting inside she helped herself to another swig of the alcohol clutched in her left hand.
The door eventually opened and she stumbled over to the River's front door, she began trying to find the right key, thinking she had the right one she tried it in the door. It wasn't working.
"Hanna?... Han? Caleb? Let me in" she banged on the door, her emotions catching up on her once again.
"Please let me in... please!" She yelled almost as if she was yelling for life, she just wanted to feel better, to feel normal again.
This morning everything was perfect, she had made love to her girlfriend went for a run, had a shower, went to get some coffee and salad for a late lunch just like she would do most Fridays... but then everything changed.
"Paige, what the hell it's like 10pm, Jake's in bed you could have woken him! Wait... Are you drunk?!" Emily stated somewhat annoyed. On seeing who answered the door, Paige immediately took a step back, a look of horror registering on her face.
"No… No, not you, where's Hanna and Caleb?" Paige leaned up against the wall for support.
"They went out to dinner and for some drinks with friends. Paige what's wrong?" Any annoyance had immediately dropped off Emily's tone and was quickly replaced with concern.
Paige suddenly exploded "Everything's going wrong, every god damn fucking thing. It's too hard. I'm done. I'm so fucking done!" Paige's rage finally coming out as she took her anger out on the wall beside her punching it causing the bottle of bourbon to smash loudly sending the remaining amber liquid and glass flying around the small entryway before she began charging her shoulder into the wall, a sense of defeat washed over her as she eventually collapsed to the ground. Loud sobs wracking the pale girl's body as she'd finally gave into her emotions. Emily stood still watching in shock, she had never seen Paige like this before. Frankly it terrified her, she didn't know what the hell was going on but right now all she really cared about was getting Paige inside and looking after her.
"Come on Paige, let's go inside" Emily soothed and wrapped her hand around the slightly smaller girl using her strength to pull her up, she felt the strain on her hip but she pushed it to the back of her mind. She eventually got Paige standing, the two managed to make it into the apartment, and Emily helped Paige to the sofa.
"Hey Paige, can you sit up for me. I'll get you some water and I can bandage up your hand" Emily said, Paige didn't really react her body remained still for the most part the only movement of her body being cause by the uncontrollable painful sobs and silent cries, that rocked her from the inside out every few seconds.
Paige eyed her left hand, the hand she had used to punch the wall as well as smashing her almost full bottle of bourbon. She had bust open two of her knuckled, as well as a handful of cuts and scratches caused by the glass and more than likely a strained finger or two. She watched the blood flow across her other knuckles, her hand still held tightly in a clenched position. The contrast between the white of her tightened skin and the blood was truly mesmerising.
Emily's heart raced 100mph as she ran into kitchen to find the first aid kit and fill a pint glass full of water for Paige.
When Emily returned she saw Paige still silently crying to herself, her eyes burning into the palm on her left hand. Paige had unclenched her fingers, turning her hand around as small droplets of blood began dripping silently onto the wooden floor at her feet, similar to the few tears she had shed in the bar not so long ago. The ring. She still had the ring, and now it felt like not only was it burning into her skin but also burning a hole into her heart.
"Paige?" Emily spoke quietly, taking a seat on the sofa beside the distraught girl.
"I… I was going to… I was going to propose" her words slurring and jumbling thanks to how upset she was, but also because of the amount of alcohol in her system.
"To Alex? When?" Emily asked, still somewhat confused.
"January 22nd … it's the day I fell…fell in love with… with her" Emily just sat in silence, silent tears running rivers down Paige's face.
A few moments past, not a single sound rendered between the two.
"She cheated… she cheated on me" Paige spoke her voice a broken mess. "She fucking cheated on me, Emily" Paige shouted this time firing the ring across the room before terrifying sobs rang out again.
"Paige I'm going to have to bandage up your hand okay. Will you drink this water for me?" Emily remained calm, fighting the need inside of her to just hold the broken girl in a tight embrace. Paige nodded disconsolately.
Emily carefully wrapped the pale hand, the pain going unnoticed by Paige, probably due to the amount of alcohol still burning up in her system, Emily suspecting the worse pain would be experienced in the morning. Emily eyed the pale girl as she slowly sipped on the water.
Emily had just finished wrapping up Paige's hand, her eyes now able to take in the pain, heartbreak and sadness that lingered between the pair of darkened orbs she had once falling in love with. Paige looking up to meet the tan girl's stare, before her glance fell to the perfect lips she had once known so well. How they felt, how they tasted, how they use to fit so perfectly between her own. Paige moved forward her mind not thinking straight, Emily simply unable to react. Their lips had just ghosted over one another, hunger and desire setting in, but it was the brief scent of strong liquor that made Emily react, gently pushing the drunk girl away.
"No... not like this" A whisper. Barely audible. She was almost sure it went unheard by Paige.
Her thoughts confirmed when she heard the brunette groan; "Emily, I'm gonna be sick" Emily quickly wrapped her hand around Paige's waist knowing the bathroom was probably a little too far, she'd have to settle for the kitchen sink. She moved Paige as quick as she could towards the kitchen, the two nearly falling to the ground when Paige tripped over herself at one point, luckily they made it as Paige puked into the sink. Emily held back her hair and rubbed at her back trying in any way to comfort the other girl. Paige continued to get sick for next 15 minutes. Most of her weight being held up thanks to Emily, as her body wanted to give into the emotional exhaustion of the day and the lethargic effect of the alcohol.
"Come on Paige, let's head to the guest room" Emily stated trying to get Paige to be a little more alert so she could walk to the bedroom.
"Long time since you had me in the bedroom, Fields" Paige joked as if for a moment she had forgotten what had happened. For a few seconds Emily saw a flash of the Paige she knew, something she hadn't seen for over five years, the goofy Paige who loved making people laugh.
"Who am I kidding...?" She murmured to herself as realisation set in again. The alcohol was doing it's job in helping her forgot what was going on but it only came in flashes and after being sick she had sobered up ever so slightly, but she was still almost completely out of it.
Emily helped Paige sit down on the edge of the bed, "Paige lift up your feet I need to take off your shoes".
"I can do it for me… for me… myself, Emily" Paige argued, this time pushing Emily hands away, she reached down to her combat boots, but nearly slipped off the bed while doing so "Ugghh why shoes? Why do they exist, why do we need them? Emily there gluuued to my feet… someone glued them on... that's not very nice!" Emily laughed at Paige's drunken ramble as she tried to pull the boots off without loosening the laces. The girl's drunken actions bringing back memories of all the times Paige had one too many drinks, she often ranted about philosophical things or the universe but tonight it was all about the shoes. Emily felt grateful for the slight preoccupations of Paige's mind. Eventually Paige gave up throwing herself back onto the bed, allowing Emily to finally pull off her shoes.
"Paige, stay awake for me just a little bit longer" The sentence innocently slipped out of her mouth but as soon as she spoke it, it blasted Emily's mind with memories of the accident. Memories of the crash, she remembered how Paige had pleaded with her to stay awake as her consciousness wavered in and out. She shook her head of the thought she wouldn't let that push her into such a dark mind-set or hinder her in helping Paige, who was more important right now.
"We need to change your clothes and I want you drink some more water..." Paige groaned in response, sitting up again pulling at her top, eventually pulling it over her head. Emily grabbed a t-shirt from the closet, what she found was a man's shirt probably one of Caleb's or a sample of Hanna's clothing line. She then found a pair of her shorts in the drawer beside the bed and helped Paige get changed into them. Emily was out of breath by the time she was done struggling with Paige.
"Paige, I'm just going to get some more water for you and a slice of toast, you'll feel better with some food in your stomach and it will hopefully help soak up some of the alcohol" Having toast or some kind of food after a night out had become a tradition between the two, especially anytime the two weren't preoccupied with getting the other into bed straight-away, which was often the case. Alcohol often only made it harder for the two to keep their hands off the other. It was Pam who had suggested making toast or having some food after a night out to help sober them up a little before going to bed. They also got it in their heads that the bread would somehow reduce their hangover in the morning, but that rarely was the case.
Emily hurried back to the guest room, Paige was curled up under the blankets now having somehow crawled under the covers, her body continued to fight off sleep as she waited for Emily to return.
"Here sit up and drink this..." Emily offered her another large glass of water.
But her actions were quickly interrupted by Paige groaning she was going to be sick again. Emily was a little more prepared this time as she had brought a basin from the kitchen, holding it under Paige's chin as the girl got sick once again.
"Feelin' any better?" Emily questioned, her tone laced with sympathy.
"No… but if you're asking if I'll be sick again, I don't think so" Paige mumbled out, sadly tears prickling at her eyes again, unable to hold them back.
"Can you eat this and drink some water?" Emily asked handing the food to the heartbroken girl lying next to her.
Paige ate about half the slice of toast before pushing it away. "Here take these" Emily offered two Advil "It will help a little in the morning, but with the amount you drank…" Emily decided to cut her sentence short not really knowing how to finish it, knowing tomorrow would once again be horrible, painful and truly awful for Paige, that sadly didn't depend on whether she would have a hangover or not. Paige eventually finished off about ¾ of the glass of water as well as getting the two tablets down.
Emily stood to get up and leave Paige to sleep it off into the morning, making a promise within her mind that she would check on her every hour.
"Stay, please stay… I don't want to be alone." Paige spoke her voice quivering with vulnerability. Emily just nodded kicking off her shoes and climbing into the bed beside Paige. She sat upright, her back being supported by the headboard. Paige pulled herself closer to Emily, her head leaning into her ex-girlfriend's side as her hand rested on the dark haired girl's stomach, her fingers clinging tightly to the material found there.
Emily watched on, her heart breaking as the realisation of what had happened, at what had happened to Paige really set in. She was definitely running on adrenaline when Paige appeared at the door distraught. It was only now that Emily could finally process everything that Paige had mentioned when she entered the apartment.
"Why does everything around me crumble to pieces?" Paige whispered out in her half-asleep and drunken state. The noise of her voice was loud enough to cause Emily to jump, breaking her thoughts, a single tear escaping her own brown eyes, wishing she could somehow turn back time and fix everything.
"Is it me? It's my fault isn't it? I always manage to somehow screw up..." A silent sob interrupted Paige's breathing for a moment, as she whimpered quietly to herself.
"I'm such a fuckin idiot…" she stated harshly to herself. Her callous words causing Emily to flinch.
"Paige shhh it's okay. Try get some sleep." Emily tried her best to settle the girl, she knew insecurity was a major part of Paige's life, and hearing her blame herself for the shitty situation she found herself in, simply broke her heart.
"You know I waited 3 years..." Paige spoke, her words causing Emily confusion.
"hmmm?" Emily questioned wondering what Paige was talking about.
"I thought you'd come find me. I thought you come after me, Emily… 3 years…" Paige's hand wrapped tighter around Emily's shirt subconsciously.
"Paige don't… please" Emily stated softly, another tear making itself known on her cheek, burning the skin there. The words uttered causing Emily to recognise a familiar pain in her own chest. A pain that seemed to be a constant since Paige arrived back in the States.
A few moment of silence continued between the two.
"I'm sorry, Emily…" Paige's voice a mere whisper.
"I'm so sorry for everything, Em…" Paige said again, her voice barely audible to Emily ears. Emily really had to fight with her tears this time knowing exactly what Paige was apologising for, not that she ever needed to. Emily wanted to be as far from that guestroom as possible in that moment, she was losing her battle to hold back her tears and she felt pathetic for it, Paige was the one in real pain. Paige was the one who just had her life turned upside down. Emily wanted to physically shake the girl who lying still next to her, clinging onto her shirt for dear life because she was terrified of being alone again. She wanted to shake her up so much, in the hopes that Paige would finally realise that it wasn't her who was the screw up, it was everyone else around her. She wanted Paige to stop apologising, to stop blaming herself and for the pale girl to finally realise it wasn't her fault, any of it. But that was Paige, always blinded by her own insecurity and willingness to only see the best in everyone around her, and that killed Emily.
It also didn't go unnoticed by Emily that, that was the first time Paige had used her nickname since she returned. She didn't realise how much she had missed hearing it fall beautifully out of Paige's mouth, like a diver falling gracefully into a perfectly still pool. But it broke her heart hearing it used in this manner, used for another Paige McCullers' apology when she really had nothing to be sorry for. Emily watched the rhythmic rise and fall of Paige's breathing, it had evened out and eventually steadied itself. Emily hoped the girl would find peace in her sleep. Emily carefully reached for her phone. She had to text Hanna.
Han, Paige and Alex broke up. Alex cheated, Paige can explain the full circumstances tomorrow. Paige is here now, she was drunk, she's extremely upset but asleep now. Can you come home? I can't stay with her any longer... I already caused her enough pain, I shouldn't be the one comforting her… She deserves better. Hope to see you in a bit -Em.
Two seconds after hitting send a reply appeared onscreen.
Em, we're on the way - H.
Emily's eyes once again drifted down to a sleeping Paige. Her eyes taking in the features she had once come to know so well, nothing really changed appearance wise over the five years they were apart. Emily took in just how peaceful the paler girl looked, although she couldn't help but registered the slight frown hanging low on her rose coloured lips.
Emily leaned forward, placing a gentle kiss to Paige's forehead, "I'm the one who's sorry, Paige. I'm so so sorry." she whispered into the girl's ear, before placing a second kiss where she had placed the first one.
Emily became mesmerised watching the way Paige's chest would rise and fall, the sleeping girl's eyes flitted uneasily behind her close eyelids and every now and then the rhythm was distracted by a stifled sleepy sob, which only defined the troubled frown forming on Paige's lips, a crease began forming across her brow, as Paige's fingers clung tighter to the end of Emily's shirt.
Thirty minutes must have passed before Emily heard a knock on the guest bedroom door, Hanna walked in quietly taking off her red soled high heels while doing so, a look of understanding written on her features.
She walked over to the bedside, kneeling down beside Emily taking her friend's free hand and squeezing it lightly, the two didn't say a word, Emily couldn't stop another lone tear from escaping and rolling off the end of her cheek, following the path the few lucky ones who had previously escaped had laid out for it.
A few moments passed, silence enveloped the two only breaking every now and then by a heartbroken whimper coming from a sleeping Paige.
"How is she?" The blonde whispered, almost afraid to hear what Emily would respond with.
"I really don't know, Han. She was angry, sad and heartbroken… I think she may have reached her breaking point..." Emily replied softly before continuing "She doesn't deserve this, Han. After everything... she was happy again…"
"Emily… Paige is strong she'll get through this."
"Really because after being tortured in high school by Alison, almost killed by my dead ex-girlfriend's fake cousin, who I also happened to have kissed. Then our struggles through senior year when I was trying to get accepted to Stanford, and then when we do eventually get there. after one year it's taken away from us... when we both nearly lost our lives in a car crash ...two days before New Years Eve. I mean we may as well have, it ripped us apart. Paige still blames herself for everything, even after five years… she thinks it's her fault that Alex cheated on her. You know what she asked me Hanna?" Emily's voice now underlined with a tinge of anger, but still remained low enough not to wake Paige, who was still passed out beside her. Granted, thanks to the amount of alcohol in her system, a truck could drive through the room and it still probably wouldn't wake the girl.
Hanna just looked up at Emily, waiting for her response.
"She asked me why does everything fall to pieces around her? You know I contributed to that, I turned her down and gave up on her when I didn't want to be her secret in junior year, just because she wasn't quite ready to come out. We almost ended again in Senior Year when things weren't going my way with getting a swimming scholarship to Stanford. Then after the accident I pushed her away, I knew she blamed herself, in a way I guess I blamed her too. I mean I didn't think I'd walk again. I was so angry, she was afraid to touch or even look at me in the same way she did a few days before the accident, in case I'd break, or she find some other way to hurt me. I didn't want her feeling guilty forever, so I pushed her away. It was scary how easy it was to be so hurtful, so cruel. It was so easy to make myself actually believe the accident was all her fault. What wasn't easy was knowing she actually decided to stop fighting for me too, she gave up on us and just left. That was when I realised I pushed her too far. I had lost one of the best things to ever happen to me. I knew none of the stuff I had forced myself to believe about Paige was true, but I needed to push her away... because somehow when things get good around me, some twisted piece of fate takes it away from me. I didn't want that to be Paige. The accident was a wakeup call, I was so close to losing Paige but we both survived and we both tried fighting for our relationship. Things had changed... it made me realise that losing Paige would be imminent. I needed to push her as far away as possible when things were rough, when there was always anger and fear lurking beneath the surface, because I could never have done it otherwise. I needed to cut the ties when they were strained, that's when it's easiest, right? It needed to be done at a time when I knew Paige wouldn't fight for me anymore and I was right, I did it at the perfect time. It was only when she stopped fighting for me that I realised I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I was so fucking selfish, I broke up with Paige because I was afraid of losing her when things may have eventually worked themselves out. I made that decision trying to predict the future, maybe things would have worked out if I just allowed them to do so, I made a decision without taking any of Paige's thoughts, feelings or opinions on the matter, into account. If I wasn't such a fucking coward I could have prevented all this pain. All this suffering. Paige would maybe still be mine, and I hers... Alex would have never entered the mix. If anyone should be suffering, it should be me, not Paige." Emily spoke out, her tears flowing freely this time and voice underlined with pure honest sadness and anger.
"Em, you don't have to do this to yourself... You nor I don't know how or why this world works in fucked up way sometimes"
"You know, she also called me 'Em', tonight. The first time since she came back, and you know how she used it, Hanna? In an apology. A goddam apology! When her life is falling to pieces around her she apologised, again. An apology for showing up drunk, an apology for moving away… another goddamn apology for that fucking accident. If it wasn't for Paige swerving into the ditch, we would have been hit head on by the truck that careered off path when the driver fell asleep at the wheel. Paige saved our lives. Paige saved my life." Emily's voice remained quiet, tears still flowing.
"Does Paige know you think that?" Hanna asked after a moment of deafening silence, to which Emily gave a defeated shake of her head… "No".
"She waited 3 years for me, Han… 3 fucking years, I was too selfish, feeling sorry for myself here. Drinking, going out partying, and sleeping around. Deep down I wanted to go find her, but I was scared. Terrified at the idea that maybe she wouldn't want me back..."
"Yes Em, you had rough few years but don't put yourself down. Just remember how many doctors told you it would be unlikely you'd ever walk without a crutch or some kind of walking aid again, but yet you pushed yourself and defied the odds… you're able to go jogging, you can dance you still have your modelesque walking style, all because you didn't want this accident to define you for the rest of your life, and it doesn't. Yes, you sometimes get muscle cramps, your leg gets tired and the joints gets stiff but that doesn't stop you. So Em, here's one question for you... what was your motivation for getting back to you old self? What was your reason to walk again?" Hanna spoke full of determination, slightly annoyed with the way Emily was currently talking about herself.
Emily just looked down, staying silent for a few moment her eyes focusing in on a sleeping Paige once again.
"For Paige…" she mumbled quietly.
"Exactly, and why was that?" The blonde questioned, Emily didn't reply, so Hanna decided to answer for her; "Because you knew in the off chance you'd ever meet Paige again, the look you'd see on her face when she saw you up and walking around with no aid would light up the darkest of rooms. You having the ability to run and move your leg smoothly would make all the pain, all the tears and all the extra physiotherapy worth it, just to see the one look on her face. You knew deep down that Paige would be proud of you. You did it to end her guilt. You did it for Paige. "
Emily gave her friend a small smile, her eyes once again threatening to over flow with more tears, she was sure she had to be close to running out.
"I don't know if you notice the look of pure astonishment, awe and childlike amazement that lingers on Paige's face anytime you're able to walk into a room, or anytime you pick up Jacob and dance around the room with him making him laugh, or even when you're simply just sweeping up the floor. Em, Paige was in love with Alex since before she returned to the states and maybe it's not the kind of look you were necessarily looking out for, but that look she gives always portrays a look of love, respect and pride. A look I think you dismissed because it wasn't the look of love you were searching for. You should have seen the way her face lit up when she heard all the things you had accomplished in just five years. When she left all those things seemed so out of reach for the foreseeable future. It was a similar look to when Spence and I told you all about Paige, and even though we told you she was in a two year relationship with Alex, the smile on your face never once faltered. You were happy for her, you were happy that she had found happiness again." Hanna spoke proudly of her friends.
"That may be true Han, but I can't be the person to help her. I screwed her over far too many times before. It wouldn't be right, it wouldn't be fair. I'd feel like a fraud." Emily explained, trying to gently pry Paige's hand from around her waist so she could leave, Hanna nodded in understanding as to why Emily couldn't be the one to help Paige.
"Get Caleb to walk you out, okay?" Hanna whispered.
"Sure, promise me you'll stay with her for tonight, Han? Keep her safe?" Emily asked.
"Of course." Hanna nodded in response giving her friend an understanding smiled, not bothering to change out of her dress she immediately hopped into the bed taken Emily's place as soft whimpers and broken sobs remained coming from Paige.
"Just a quick reminder I'm flying out to Texas tomorrow, Han… I think it may actually be for the best if I'm out of the picture for a bit. You are going to look after her, right? " Hanna nodded confidently wrapping an arm protectively around the taller girl, before gently beginning to brush the sleeping girl's hair that lined her forehead hoping it would offer some kind of comfort.
Emily walked out into the living area, Caleb was sat on the couch watching some late night action film.
"Hey" He smiled in return when he caught sight of Emily, "You heading home?"
"Yeah, I think it's for the best… do you mind walking me down?" Emily asked.
"No sure, hey if Patrick's around I can ask him to take out the car and I can drive you home? Caleb suggested, mentioning Patrick the building's valet and care taker.
"Caleb you don't have to go to all that hassle, really its fine. I can take the train."
"But Em I want to! Plus it's not very often I get the opportunity to drive in NYC, that's one reason I miss Rosewood you don't have very many chances to drive here. I mean you don't want me it forget how to drive right" Caleb added jokingly.
"Fine, if you insist." The brunette smiled shyly in return.
The two then headed down to the lobby, lucky enough Patrick was still there. Caleb offered him the keys as the older gentleman went to get the car from the garage and bring it out front.
The two drove to Emily's apartment for the most part in silence, the only disruption coming from the radio.
"A slice of whole-wheat toast with peanut butter, preferably crunchy. Some melon or grapefruit, a glass of orange juice with the bits, followed by black coffee with two sugars" Emily broke the silence between the two. A bemused look plastered on Caleb's face.
Emily laughed softly, "Sorry, it will help Paige's hangover in the morning. She won't want to eat and she may get angry at you forcing her to eat, she gets kind of whingey and bitchy when she's hung over, but try and make her eat, it always makes her feel better, and she'll be thankful for it later. It will also help settle her stomach and will stop her vomiting… Oh and also bacon, she will love you forever if you make her bacon when she's hung over".
"Okay, I'll see what I can do" Caleb smirked. "I'm impressed that you still remember her hang over cure".
"Well she might like something different now… five years is a long time. Things change. But I guess it's the least I can do" Emily added.
"You're a good friend, Emily. I'm sure Paige will appreciate it" Caleb replied his hand coming up to rest on Emily's shoulder as he squeezed it gently.
"But like I said five years is a long time, so maybe she found something that works better, you should probably ask her first" a sad smile registering on her lips.
Caleb pulled into the sidewalk just outside Emily's apartment block complex.
"I overheard you and Han talking, you're going back to Texas?" Caleb asked.
"Yeah. I leave tomorrow, Hanna and Spence helped me book the flights a few days back. Think I'm gone for two weeks" Emily explained.
"I'm glad you're taking some time for yourself Em. I can't imagine the past two months have been the easiest..."
"I guess you could say that. It has been hard, it still is hard seeing her nearly every day now. I mean I'd be lying if I said a part of me wasn't happy when I saw she had returned, but that doesn't mean there isn't still some animosity and pain still there. Seeing Paige break down the way she did tonight broke my heart. She doesn't deserve anymore pain in her life. But I just can't be that person who puts her back together, it's not fair on her... I helped contribute to it the first time round and probably played an indirect role in her breakup with Alex. She deserves better than someone like me, being a hypocrite and helping her to get back on track." Tears had reappeared in the form of streams on Emily's cheeks again as she spoke of Paige.
"I understand, Em and I think you going to Texas for a little while is a great idea…. but just don't avoid Paige for ever. I for one don't think Paige see things in the way you just explained, and I think she might need you now more than ever" Caleb spoke a little more cautious this time.
"Look after her, yeah?" Emily asked as she climbed out of the car.
"Of course. She's one of the family." Caleb replied, this time eliciting a timid smile on Emily's face. Family not directly referring to him, Hanna and Jacob. Instead family was referring to the whole group of friends; Hanna and Caleb, Aria and Ezra, Spencer and Toby, Emily and Paige, before leaving for college and after everything that happened in High school they all made a pledge to always be a family, whether they were living thousands of miles apart, neighbours or even if the couple's broke up, they all pledged that they would always look out for one other no matter the circumstance. They were and always would be a family.
[A/N] Thanks for reading, please leave a review and let me know your thoughts. Until next time - KTF