Yeah, Kate's a bit of an impulsive, idiot in the chapter - so please forgive me and her for it in advance, just had to up the angst factor a bit on this one…enjoy!

Chapter 11

Moment of Weakness

I had gone back to my tent and laid there for a moment, trying to sort through the jumble of thoughts whirling about in my head. I was so miserable, heart broken. This is why I don't fall in love, I told myself because all it does is hurt, all it does is leave you alone in the end with nothing but memory for comfort.

I couldn't rest, all this thinking had resulted in a splitting headache. It felt as if my head was coming apart at the seams, it finally got so bad that I did the last thing I felt like doing at the moment, I went to Sawyer.

He was sitting outside his tent, paging through a book. He looked up when he saw me approaching, smiled but as I came closer and he took in the redness of my eyes and the grimace of pain on my face, his smile wilted.

"Christ, Freckles…what the hell happened to you?"

"I'm fine," I said, a pause, "got some aspirin?"

"How bout' you give me the truth first?"

"How about not," I said, not in the mood to deal with him or his crap.

"You and Jack have a fight?"

I stiffened visibly at his words, Damn him for being able to read me so well.

"I don't want to talk about it," I hedged, "I have a splitting headache and I need something so are you going to give it to me or not?"

"Yeah, sure…keep me in the dark, not like we aren't friends or something."

I saw the mark my rejection had left on his face as he stood and went into his tent, when he came back out; he tossed me a bottle of pain medicine.

"Look, I guess I was out of line there, Freckles, but truth is I hate what you let him do to you…"

"It's not him," I said, carefully, "its me."

"Or us -"

He was smart, I gave him that. He always seemed to have this uncanny knack for going straight to the truth of things, his words were often brutal but they were the truth.

"Or us," I said, simply, "whatever it is…it's my own doing."

He stepped closer to me as if he wanted to hold me but he didn't. He only met my eyes and offered another cheeky grin.

"Don't beat yourself up Freckles, you ain't so bad."

"Thanks, James."

He smiled, "Come on you want a hug?"

He was impossible to resist when he was being charming and I needed him in that moment, I needed to be comforted. I needed to have my friend back.

I went to him and he folded me up in his arms, held me.

"It's alright," he said, smoothing my hair back.

I pulled back slightly and searched his eyes, saw real genuine affection there and wondered as I had often wondered before why I could not take the lust and attraction I felt for him and make it something real. Why it was Jack and only Jack that I could allow myself to love, even at the expense of my own suffering, my own insecurity.

He bent down and kissed me. It was a soft kiss and because it was not forced or demanding, I let him kiss me for the moment, needing to feel wanted more then ever.

Suddenly, Sawyer was pulling back and looking over my shoulder at something, a surprised look on his face.

"What…" I started to say as I turned around and untangled myself from his arms. It was Jack standing behind me. His expression was a combination of hurt, anger, and raw bitterness.

He shook his head, lowered it.

"I just wanted to see if you were okay," he said and looking up, he met my eyes. They were burning black with his anger. It wasn't the anger I saw that filled my heart with a fresh wealth of pain. But, the hurt there - the proof what he had said earlier. That it was I was me who was the untrustworthy one. That it was me who had betrayed him first.

"I guess your fine," he added, almost choking on his words.

I wanted to say something, anything at all - to find the right things to say to simply erase what had just happened. I couldn't open my mouth. I just stood there numbly, seeing his eyes, the way his shoulders had stiffened and the way his expression, the look on his face seemed to run the gamut of emotions - hate, love, desire, disgust - all in the span of mere seconds. I watched his heart break right in front of me and I could do nothing but watch it happen. He turned and walked away, leaving me and Sawyer alone. I wanted to go after him - sprout a million clichés.

It doesn't mean anything…

It's not what it looks like…

But, I couldn't. Was this for the best. Should I let him go? To where - her? Should I give Sawyer a chance and forget about love and just be content with good sex and companionship?

I didn't know what to do so I just stood there and did nothing. It was Sawyer who broke the spell.

"Hey, you alright?'

"I'm fine," I said, quickly.

"That don't look like fine," he said, quietly, as he wiped the tears that had started to fall off my cheek.

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I went to Jack's tent and found him sitting over a still sleeping Juliet and he was crying not loudly and not sobbing but his head was in his hands and when he heard me approach, he looked up and he wiped at his eyes with the heel of his hand.

"Hey," I offered.

"Just go, Kate," he said.

"It wasn't anything -"

He laughed bitterly.

"Just stop, Kate…here I was thinking I was the jerk in all this and then I see you and him, just…"

"It was - I don't know, it was nothing, a moment of weakness."

God! Those words sounded pathetic, even to me.

"Yeah, and so was that the same kind of nothing I saw before…"

"I don't want him," I offered.

He stood and came out his tent, stepped in front of me, angry. I stepped back instinctively, the fury in him was something I had rarely seen before. I wasn't afraid of him physically even though he looked almost angry enough but more then anything I was suddenly scared to death of what he would say to me.

"You don't know what you want!" he shouted at me.

"Neither do you?" I challenged, lifting my eyes to his.

"Yes, I do," he said, quietly, his eyes blazing with anger.

The way he was looking at me, made me weak in the knees. He was angry, he was hurt but there was also passion there.

I reached for him and for a moment it seemed as if he would relent, take me in his arms and silence my words, my weak pleas at forgiveness with his lips.

Instead, he all but shoved me off him, causing me to stumble back and almost fall. I looked up in surprise.

"Jack, please…just tell me what you want from me?"

"I want to pretend I never met you," he said, his words like a raw wound, "so just go…"

"You mean that?" I asked, close to tears, "you really want me out of your life?

"Yeah, I do…"

"Fine," I said, stifling back a torrent of emotion, a flood of tears.

I turned and started away from him, turned and called over my shoulder.

"I hate loving you," I told him and I saw his eyes tear up, he looked away from me.

"I hate loving you to," he said.

Okay, so did I go a bit overboard with the angst? Forgive me…but, I am slowly and surely moving to the hot and heavy Jate action and let's face it for those of us in the know - make up love is the best love…and these two need some of that big time - oh well, maybe someday we can actually see some of that on the show, until then I am going to content myself with my stories…please leave a review…they make me