This is a long one. It took me a while, but I hope you all enjoy it and take something out of it. This series is more than just entertainment so I hope you all get something more out of it. Enjoy:
The Karofsky Diaries
Eleven
[Rec.]
2011/05/10
The screen flickers on, revealing a very gloomy darkness in which the only sources of light come from the computer itself and from a glint of gold sitting high up on the screen. As the scene comes into focus, it is revealed that the gold is a crown sitting lopsided on the head of one David Karofsky. The rest of the scene looks slightly out of focus and shaky, the camera obviously of lower quality than that which is usually used.
00:00:12
[Shuddering breaths]
The screen shakes and then dips below Karofsky's waist and it's clear that he's carrying whatever he's using to shoot the video. Around him are unfamiliar shapes somewhat resembling trees or brush. The screen is swaying backward and forward rapidly and it is clear that Karofsky is moving; walking somewhere outside.
[Muffles footsteps, sounding like grass is swishing underneath. Wind blows through leaves and the distant rumble of engines can be heard. Over all of this, there is a sound like panting mixed with what sounds like crying.]
00:03:52
Gradually, the screen stops shaking and focuses on Karofsky's face. It's drenched; a mixture of sweat and tears, and something darker streak down his disfigured face.
[Broken breaths]
Dave turns away from the camera and shifts his head from side to side, even looking behind him as if he's scanning the area. After a few moments he turns back to the screen and his face comes into full view. He's bleeding: his nose slightly crooked, obviously broken. His lips, cracked and bleeding, come apart and back together. His eyes are bloodshot and wide with fear and pain.
00:07:48
I…
[Spits and clears his throat, his voice is hoarse]
They crowned me Prom King…
[Chuckles]
Crowned me their fucking King! I thought I might win… not like this though… Those bastards… I don't know all of them, but they all fucking put this together as a fucking joke!
[Heavy breathing]
He slips the crown off of his head and slides his finger over a large crack in the side of it, shaking his head and sneering.
[Laughs]
I just ran out on Kurt… disappointing him… again…
[Scoffs and takes a deep breath]
They made him Queen… I knew it as soon as Figgins said his name: that those fuckers put me and him up there as a fucking joke to the school. They know… and now I'm done… I know they'll spread it around especially after tonight…
Dave's face screws up into a grotesque grimace and he hurls the crown out of the screen, the camera rattling and going out of focus again. When it comes back into focus, there are fresh tears trailing down his face.
00:14:25
I just confronted some of them: jocks of course. Most from the fucking hockey team, but a few from football, though most of them never play… Got me a few good licks in, but I know they'll be back –fucking bigots. I'm going to pay for all of this shit… I don't know when, or where, but they will come back… Kurt…
[Heavy breathing]
He'll be safe…
[Sniffs]
H- he's got people around him all the time… people who care… So he'll be safe.
The boy's eyes shine briefly, the relief in them clear.
I know he'll be OK, so I don't care what they do to me… He knows I'm sorry, but… tonight… tonight I should've fucking danced with him… We were supposed to… Prom King and Queen…
[Chuckles]
I have to go back to school next week… I can't let anyone know… not yet… I doubt they'll do anything while I'm still in school anyway, but you never know… Anyway, I'll deal with it on my own… I'm tired of all of this bullshit. I'm tired of hiding… I'm…
[Sighs]
I'm just so fucking tired…
The screen rattles and shakes again. The image of Dave is still for a minute or two before the screen goes black. In the last image, his eyes are full of resolve. They are a steely green, slightly narrowed and looking off into the distance seeing something no one else can… They say he's ready; ready for something he clearly has no intention of involving anyone else in. At the same time, there is such a loneliness in them that they seem almost hollow again.
It is a few days until Kurt is permitted to see him. In the meantime the slender boy stays in his room; huddled in his bed sheets in the darkness, refusing food or drink until his father forces it down his throat.
For three days that seemed like three lifetimes, Kurt sat waiting by the phone, willing it to ring and to hear David's voice. He kept playing the scene over and over in his head:
It was clear that David was using his phone for the last video. The way it shook and the way he could see Dave was holding the camera, it had to be his phone. But where was he? It looked like he was outside; somewhere near the school still, but where?
Something wet drips onto the back of his hand and Kurt realizes after a moment that he's crying –again. He thinks back to the last week of school; of sitting with Blaine at the café, saying I love you and realizing he didn't; realizing he didn't know how to love. He's a teenage boy; they both are. What do they know of love? Do they love each other because they think they should; because they're both gay, both out and proud? Why then, couldn't I say it? Why was it so hard?
Am I doing the same with David? I broke up with Blaine because he didn't like me coming here so much, but… Why was I here for David? Why have I been spending so much time with him? Am I really in love..?
Kurt shakes his head to clear it, but he can't seem to get the boy out of his mind. Why can't I stop thinking about him? I shouldn't be thinking about David Karofsky! After all of things he's put me through… Granted he did it because out of self-loathing and fear, but he did it all the same… so WHY? Why can't I stop my heart from aching every time I think about him? How in the world can his scent from that stupid jacket make me feel better? How could I have fallen asleep with it curled up in my arms so many times?
How did I fall in love with David Karofsky?
Lost in thought, Kurt almost doesn't hear his phone's ringtone; Adele's 'Someone Like You' creeping in as the backdrop of his soliloquy until he snaps back to reality, grabbing the phone and clumsily hitting answer a couple of times.
"He- hello?" he stammers.
"Kurt?" comes Paul Karofsky's voice.
"Mr. Karofsky?" Kurt says, his voice cracking midway through the last name. "H-how are… is he okay?"
"He's a little confused," the man breathes, "but he's awake."
Kurt sighs his relief, tears making their hot trek down his cheeks falling into the corners of his shivering lips as he tries with all his might to suppress the urge to cry out.
"I… I still don't quite understand all that's between you two…" Paul starts, "but I've heard you've been coming here almost every day to see him."
Kurt simply nods, forgetting that the man can't see him. Before he realizes this and makes to speak, Mr. Karofsky cuts him off, apparently taking his silence as affirmation.
"I'd like you to stop," the man says.
Kurt's heart skips a beat and his breath hitches. His mind can't seem to wrap itself around the man's words and it's a while before either of them speaks again.
"I- what?" Kurt stammers. He can hear the older man sigh on the other line.
"This isn't healthy," Paul says finally, "for David… or for you. I need you to stop coming to see him, at least… at least until he's well enough to come home. Then you can come there and talk. Until then I have to ask you to leave him be. I'm sure your parents would agree with me. You have school after all. It's your senior year and you need to focus if you're going to-"
"I CAN'T JUST STOP!" Kurt shouts into the receiver, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW INSANELY DIFFICULT THIS IS FOR ME? CAN YOU EVEN FATHOM WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW?" Kurt is positively livid now. He finds himself standing on his bed, screaming into the receiver, but he doesn't care.
"Why is this so difficult for you?" asks Paul Karofsky. "I don't understand, Kurt. I don't know why you're coming here every day and sitting next to my son's bed. I don't understand why you care so much, or why it is that you took his letterman jacket from his locker."
Kurt freezes. His eyes dart to the jacket lying at his feet. He'd been cradling it while he was lying huddled in his blankets.
"I know it was you. No one else seems to know where it is and I can't think of any reason you would have to take it. Unless…"
"Unless I love him," Kurt whispers.
A cold silence falls between them once again.
"I…" Kurt stammers.
"You don't love my son," Paul says cooly. Kurt is about to rebut when he is cut off again. "You don't love David, Kurt. You may think you do and I know about him, so you don't even have to tell me, nor can you use his sexuality or your relationship with him as an excuse. You don't love him."
"I do…" Kurt pleads.
"No," Paul replies and Kurt can almost see him shaking his head. "You feel guilty. You think this is your fault. You think you caused these people to do this to my son, but I can tell you that you had nothing to do with that."
"THEN WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THOSE VIDEOS?" Kurt screams again. He can hear pounding on the door above the stairs and someone, Finn or Burt, calling his name. "WASN'T IT TO SHOW ME HOW MUCH HE LOVED ME? HE SAID IT SO MANY TIMES! HOW CAN YOU THINK-"
"He loves you, yes," Paul says, still in a cool tone. Kurt feels his face heat up, embarrassed that he's yelling; embarrassed that he's allowing himself to become this vulnerable to someone he hardly knows.
"Do you think I didn't watch the videos?" Paul asks. "I did. I've seen every single one. I gave them to you so you could understand what he felt and what he went through. I couldn't let him die without- yes die," Paul repeats as Kurt's breath hitches, "because I thought he would, or might, or could… I couldn't let that happen without you knowing how much you put him through. Bullying was his way of communicating his feelings for you, but you in turn hurt him almost as much; not physically, no, that he did himself, but emotionally. I didn't know about the cuts, or anything he'd done to himself. I admit I was blind to it, but he did it because he was trying to release the pain he felt because of you.
David hurt inside and he felt alone. He felt ashamed of who he was and even as he was beginning to turn around, he felt alone. Having you there; having you come back and seeing you again helped him, but I can't help but to think that it also caused his situation. I'm not blaming you. Like I said you had nothing to do with what those boys did to him, but… he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to come out, or to face the world without his mask on. I would have rather had him be who he was… is, but he wasn't ready."
Kurt was shaking now; Paul Karofsky's words sinking into his soul as he listened, images of that night at Prom and of some nights in the summer flashing before his mind's eye. He should have seen the signs that Dave was in trouble… I should have known…
"But you don't love him," Paul continues. "You've seen the videos and you mistook your guilt for love. I'm sorry. I must admit that I gave you the videos with some sort of spite deep down. I wanted you to know just how much pain he was in. I wanted you to understand who he was. Whatever he told you, or however he seemed around you, the real him was hurting so… so much.
You think you've come to love him because of his pain, but you haven't. You understand him. For now that's enough and that is what I wanted when I gave you the videos. I don't care if you do come to love my son in the future. That's fine with me. He's my son and I want him to be happy and I will love him like I have always loved him. That isn't the issue.
The issue is that you feel guilty. You feel that way and I know because I felt that way when I was watching the videos. I realized however, that David is his own man and he made his decisions because he felt alone. He certainly couldn't tell you what he's tried to in the videos. How could you ever reciprocate his love? He hurt you and you can't even fathom why. You think it's because he relates to you, but it's not. He has nothing in common with you besides his homosexuality.
No… He loved you because you were kind to him. You showed mercy and forgiveness, but before that he loved you because of your strength and will; because you loved yourself and, inadvertently that same quality in him which he hated in himself. He loved you because you weren't afraid to be you and in turn inspired him to accept himself; to accept something he'd pushed away from his entire life."
Kurt's ears were ringing. All of these words resonated in his mind, sinking gradually into his soul. Paul was right. Guilt was not love.
"So I need you to stop," the man continued. "I need you to continue your own life. I need you to forget. I know that's a hard thing to do, almost impossible… but I need you to forget that pain you saw. You understand it now and that is all you need to know. You now know why and how much he loved you and how much he hurt. You know why he hurt you. You know what he did to himself and you know what he decided to do by himself.
You know it's not your fault. What happened to him was the fault of others; the ones who hurt him. Not you. Not anything you did, or anything you are. You know that he's alive and well now. That is all you need to know."
"I…" Kurt began, but he couldn't finish… What could he say? He wants to see David, but what would he do now? What could he say to the boy who loves him? If he couldn't say 'I love you, too' to Blaine, the boy who picked him up and loved him, how could he say it to Dave? How could he say what he realizes he doesn't feel.
"I don't know what else to say to you, Kurt," Paul Karofsky says. "You're at the time in your life where love seems like the only thing that you have control over. You can't know your future because you can't stop looking into your past. You wish to go back and change what little mistakes you've made, but you don't understand that those mistakes are what made you who you are now.
I know. I've been there. I was your age once, and I know that sounds cliché, but it's true. While I don't know what it's like to be a gay man, I do know what it's like to be in love and I can tell you: that doesn't happen in high school. You're in love with being in love and you think it's going to last. Sometimes you're lucky and it does, but most times you just realize that love isn't an emotion that your young heart can truly feel until you get older and have lived more.
Being in love is different from having a crush, or feeling butterflies in your stomach when you talk to someone or hold their hand. Love is knowing a person inside and out because you've spent time with them and know what they feel for you and why. Love is sacrificing all you have because you can't imagine being without the other person. You never knew David. Have you ever really known anyone?"
"No…" Kurt admits. "but what about love at first sight?" At this Paul actually chuckles.
"You loved David at first sight?" he asks. Kurt reddens.
"No," he says. "but I've heard of-"
"We've all heard of it, but in truth it doesn't exist," Paul cuts him off. "Loving someone from the first moment you see them? No. You wouldn't do anything you could for someone without knowing them. You may have a connection with them; maybe feel enamored or infatuated with them, but you can't love them. Who was the first person you fell in love with, Kurt. And why?"
"Blaine," Kurt says easily," I fell for him because… because he was like me."
"Because he was gay?" Paul asks.
"Yes," Kurt affirms and realizes how ridiculous it sounds. "I thought I did." Kurt explains his meeting Blaine and how their relationship progressed and ended.
"I can see why," Paul replies softly, almost tenderly and it reminds Kurt of how Dave had sounded when he apologized to him in the hallway. "You thought he was perfect because he seemed to understand you. You think he and you went through the same thing, but it seems to me you're quite different from him. He knows what you've been through, and I'd venture to guess that a lot of gay men would know, gay women too, but I don't think that's enough reason to fall in love. It sounds like you didn't either since you broke up with him."
"No…" Kurt admits. "I thought that since he was good to me, shared my experiences and some of my dreams… that we were meant to be together," Kurt laughs as he says it, feeling foolish. "I realized that he was just a mirror for a life I thought I wanted, and I didn't see the cracks in the polished glass… or rather… I refused to see them."
"Sounds like you understand now," Paul says warmly.
"I do," Kurt replies.
"We've talked enough for now," the man says. "We can talk again after you've had some more time to think. I think you have some things you need to work out now. Until then, take care, Kurt."
"Thank you," Kurt whispers and hangs up. "I'm fine," he screams up the stairs. The pounding stopped a little while ago, but he could feel someone was still there. Sure enough, a few moments later he heard someone getting up – they must have been sitting against the door – and walk away.
Slowly, Kurt breathes deeply. In. Out. He catches a whiff of Dave's scent and looks down at the jacket sitting in his lap. The fabric is a tad darker in the gloomy atmosphere of the basement bedroom, but the scent is almost stronger that way. His nose makes up for what his eyes can't see in the dark. The scent is still comforting for him, but now it has new meaning. He now understands that it wasn't love that he felt for David Karofsky. Pity. Guilt. The words come back to his mind and he closes his eyes.
I don't love David Karofsky. I… could… but I don't. I care about him. I understand him… but I don't love him.
He mulls these thoughts over in his head and breathes calmly, almost as if he's meditating. Paul Karofsky was right. David had hurt so much and seeing that pain caused a reaction in Kurt that he didn't understand. He supposed it was kind of like a hysterical pregnancy; making your body think it's feeling or doing something out of desperation. He didn't understand what he was feeling. He's never really been able to, he realizes.
He lies there with his eyes closed, thinking of what Dave really means to him.
He's like I was before I came out: afraid, alone… He's searching, trying to be strong until he finds himself. I do care about him. Deeply. I think I might love him, or that I could at least. It's very close to it, but I want to love him when he's happy. I don't want to see him hurt. I don't want to love him because of me, but because he's him; because he's finally accepted himself. I want him to be happy. God, what was I doing before? All of those unnecessary tears shed… all of that depression… all because I didn't understand…
Slowly, Kurt drifts in his mind. He's thinking of Dave and of Blaine, even of Finn. He thinks about all of those times he thought he fell in love. He thinks of holding hands and kissing lips. He thinks of wasted afternoons and misused words; all in an attempt to feel something he couldn't understand. Finally, he thinks of the warmth of David's hand in his; how amazing it felt.
Yes… I could come to love him, he decides and then the thoughts cease as he lets sleep claim him.
OK, that's it for number eleven! I hope you all enjoyed this. It's longer and different from the others, but I hope it answers some questions. I know a lot of people hate Dave for bullying Kurt, but a lot of them don't understand that Dave was in a lot of pain as well.
It's never easy to see this type of pain and while it goes unnoticed, it gets stronger. People feel alone and while bullying is never the right way to express your feelings, we have to understand that sometimes people can't find another way. It might be environment, family, or friends, or sometimes it's self –inflicted, but pain is always present and always the cause of bullying and hate. Self-loathing or lack of self-esteem comes from this pain and while it doesn't excuse their actions, bullies act on these emotions and lash out against others, usually against the ones they actually care about or relate to most.
Please take time to understand this as I know a lot of people don't like or want to understand Dave. He's a fictional character yes, but he represents so many real people; people who hurt; people who feel alone and whether they ever admit it or not, the pain is there. I'm not saying there aren't just bad people, but often times we neglect, or refuse to see the signs that lead to bullying.
Sorry for being so long-winded this chapter, but please: if you know someone, or have known someone like Dave, or Kurt, don't make rushed assumptions about them. Take time to understand. After all, ignorance is often the cause of hate and understanding, the cure. XOXO
~Jay