Disclaimer: I don't anything publicly recognisable. Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer and real people belong to themselves. There is also a small scenario in here from a very well-known TV show. Can you guess which one?
Chapter 11: BPOV
It was a glorious June morning in New York City. The sun was just beginning to really give out heat and the streets of Manhattan were about to be filled with early morning commuters, rushing into work with a coffee in one hand, a briefcase in the other and their cell phones wedged firmly between their shoulder and ear. It was a scene that was used in the background of a lot of movies, but one which definitely had its roots in real-life observations. It was barely seven o'clock when I woke up and sat on the balcony of my apartment building, but already the streets were being lined with yellow cabs and people were bustling around the sidewalks. I had been to New York only a handful of times before and not for any extended length of time. It wasn't exactly my favourite place in the world, with its constant bustle and energetic pace of life. LA may have been crazy, but the west coast as a whole was much more relaxed than the east. There was just a different way of life here that didn't exactly suit the girl who had been born and bred in the Golden State. Now though, the difference in the atmosphere and the pace here was really helping me and I was beginning to think that the next three months here would do me the world of good. Certainly, living someone else's life and being in someone else's head for a period of time couldn't hurt me right now. My own life seemed to be hanging on by a thread right now and I really needed a break from it all. Some people may call it running away, but I just thought of it as having a distraction in the form of my job, like everyone else.
I had gotten to New York late Friday night, leaving a day before I had originally planned to and leaving everything behind that I couldn't take dealing with at that precise moment. After my disastrous 'talk' with my mother, I cried for what felt like hours before packing up my things and heading for the airport only making a phone call to Sue to tell her that I'd be in New York within a few hours and that I needed the keys to the apartment I would be staying in for the duration of our shoot there. She tried to ask why I had changed my mind, but I hung up before she could get the question out of her mouth. I had only let Jake know of my sudden departure and change in location when I actually arrived at the apartment and set up my computer. It was a short email telling him that I'd flown to New York early and that I was sorry. I didn't explain what had happened, mostly because I was so ashamed of it that I wanted it cleared from my mind. I hadn't yet checked, two days later, whether he had replied to me yet. There was no other way for anyone back home to personally get hold of me at the moment because I had switched off my phone as soon as I landed at Newark. I didn't want to think anymore about what happened with my mother. I just didn't want to be me for a while.
I think Jake may have called Sue because she came and checked on me daily, but so far I had refused to let her in. It wasn't as if I told her to go away, just that I always pretended to either be out or asleep when she knocked on the door. The truth of the matter was that I had gotten very little sleep since I came here and I hadn't actually set foot outside of the apartment, not even to get food. If Sue was pissed off at me and thinking about firing me from the movie, she did a very good job hiding it when she came to talk to my door. I had almost relented and let her know that I was actually inside once, last night, but I still couldn't face answering questions about what happened to bring me here so suddenly. I didn't know exactly how much Jake had told her, if he had told her anything at all, and I didn't want to see her looking at me with pity in her eyes; I didn't deserve anyone's pity.
Today was the first day that we would be rehearsing with the rest of the cast and I was just looking forward to finally having something else to focus on. In the two days that I had shut myself off from the rest of the world, I had learned the entire script, not just my own lines, and I had once again read the poem that inspired it. I did research on the woman behind the character of Kristen Stewart only to find that there was very little behind the character. I don't know exactly what I expected, but it seemed as if the public image of Kristen was the only one that actually existed. I wondered if this had something to do with her Manhattan socialite upbringing – after all, these people knew exactly how to keep things hidden should they need to. When you owned half of New York, it was quite easy to find a door behind which all of your secrets could be hidden. I still didn't know anything about the woman that I was supposed to be playing apart from what was written about her in the script and the poem. The newspaper articles about her marriage and her death revealed absolutely nothing of who she was, just what she was.
I heard a knock on the door and opened it to who I thought was going to be my driver only to find Edward Cullen smiling uncertainly at me. I don't know if it was the time we'd spent away from each other, or because I literally hadn't seen anyone besides the pimply-faced delivery guy, but Edward looked amazing. When I first met him, I thought that his looks were unconventionally handsome, but this morning, Edward Cullen could have stepped right off the cover of GQ. I was astounded both by his presence and my reaction to it. Obviously being alone and without human company for about 48 hours was making me slightly insane. Thankfully, I would be around people from now on for several hours of everyday, which should dampen down the crazy – at least partially.
"Hey!" I greeted a tad a little over-enthusiastically. I didn't want him to ask any questions about why I was on the verge of become depressed, so obviously over-compensating with insane happiness was my only option. And I called myself an actress.
Edward looked a little taken aback by my effervescence, especially since it was only seven thirty in the morning and I had told him several times before that I was not a morning person. However, he was a better actor than I appeared to be and covered his surprised and confusion within moments, giving me an easy smile and a short hug.
"Hey to you too," he said as he let go of me. He invited himself into my apartment and shut the door behind him before I even realised that this was the first time we'd hugged in greeting. It was very odd; much more familiar a greeting than we were used to giving each other. I guess all the weird texting and late night/early morning trans-Atlantic phone calls meant that we were better friends now than we were before he left. Obviously 'better friends' also meant hugging each other.
"How was London?" I asked, following him inside my apartment and realising far too late that it wasn't really in any sort of state to be seen by other people. I had spent the weekend wallowing in my own misery and obsessing over the character that I was going to spend the next three months playing. There was absolutely no room in that crazy schedule to bother with things like cleaning.
"It was..." Edward trailed off thoughtfully before looking at me and smiling. "It was rainy." A generic answer that hid something he didn't want to tell me. Well, I guess we weren't exactly best friends yet. "Was it weird that I just hugged you back then?"
The laughter that escaped my mouth at that statement surprised me more than it did Edward. I was so shocked that he'd actually asked whether or not it was weird that he hugged me when he saw me that I laughed as a reflex. He looked at me like I'd grown an extra head, which honestly just made me laugh even harder. I was hysterical and obviously I'd lost what was left of my mind the past couple of days. Perhaps I should have taken Sue up on her offer to talk. Now it was too late and I had gone completely insane. Eventually, whether it was just catching, or whether Edward felt so uncomfortable that he didn't have a choice but join in, Edward started laughing with me and within ten minutes, we were both rolling around on my couch, clutching our middle and gasping for breath. It felt so good to laugh again that I almost forgot exactly what I'd been miserable about in the first place. Then of course that thought brought up a barrage of images from Friday afternoon and before I knew it, I was on the verge of tears. Luckily, I stopped myself from spiralling into a scary vortex of depression and just smiled tightly instead as Edward rode out his high.
"Jesus, what the hell have you been smoking here Bella?" Edward asked, still chuckling softly.
I smiled wider at him before turning around to head into the kitchen. I could stop myself from crying, but I had no doubt that one Edward saw my eyes brimming with tears, he'd know something wasn't quite right. "The question is what haven't I been smoking in here," I teased, cringing at the way my voice sounded ever so slightly forced. I just had to hope that Edward hadn't known me long enough to notice the subtle changes in my tone of voice. That or he just wouldn't feel comfortable enough pointing them out. "So, really, how was merry old England?" I figured that the best way to stop him asking any questions I didn't want him to ask was by forcing him to answer something he obviously didn't want to. Deflection really was an art form.
"It was definitely still old," he answered still from the lunge area. "Though it wasn't all that merry this time." His answer was cryptic. Our entire relationship it seemed was littered with cryptic answers and questions that the other just wanted to avoid. Still, as confusing as it was sometimes to talk to Edward, it was also just a relief. Maybe it was because I was so busy trying to figure out what he was talking about most of the time that I didn't have time to think of anything else – he was definitely a good distraction.
"Always with the cryptic answers Edward," I commented, deciding to fix us up some coffee so that it wouldn't seem so weird that I'd just walked into the kitchen.
"That's what you love about me," he pointed out very astutely. Sometimes I swear the boy could fucking read my mind.
I snorted. "Love is a pretty strong word Mr. Cullen. In fact, like is a pretty strong word in regards to me feelings about you. Tolerate is probably closer to the truth."
"Your words hurt Miss Swan," Edward admonished. "I would be more offended if I didn't know this was just a self-protection mechanism to stop yourself from falling in love with me."
I laughed outright at this statement and nearly poured the hot water all over the counter tops rather than into the cups I'd prepared. There was no way I would fall in love with Edward Cullen. My life was complicated enough. I didn't need someone else's complications on top of my own. I had a boyfriend right now whose own life was free from drama – though admittedly his very involvement with me meant that he had a little taste of the soap opera that was my life – and that was exactly what I wanted. I had a feeling that Edward's own life was just as complex as mine, maybe even more so. Otherwise, he wouldn't get me as much as he did and he certainly wouldn't keep giving me cryptic answers to quite straightforward questions.
"You know, I'd be more offended by you laughing at that if it hadn't happened to me several times before," he said, turning to face me as I walked back into the lounge area with two cups of steaming hot coffee grasped tightly in my hands. "I don't know what it is about the thought of falling in love with me that has women far and wide bursting into hysterics."
"It's obviously because you're horrendous looking, extremely boring and disturbingly stupid," I pointed out teasingly. "The mere notion of falling for you is making me vomit in my mouth a little bit."
Edward sighed heavily, head bowed in a very dramatic portrayal of despair. "I knew it," he proclaimed, his voice weighed down with defeat. "I can't believe you can even stand talking to me right now."
"They're paying me," I tell him smirking behind my cup. "It's quite a heavy sum of money too."
"It'd have to be."
We looked at each other and smiled. The teasing had given us back the rapport that we had developed before he left quite suddenly and it had taken my mind off my problems for a while at least. I think he must have noticed the fact that I had been on the verge of tears when I walked out of here, hence the stand up comedy routine. I was thankful that he was so perceptive and accepting, but then again, I had more or less granted him the same privacy by not asking any more about London. Something had obviously happened there that he didn't want to talk about and the more I thought about it, the more I was convinced it had something to do with Rosalie. I mean she was the one that was English after all, so if anyone had business going there on short notice, it would be her right?
We talked for several more minutes before someone another knock on my door signalled the arrival of my actual driver. Today, we were going to be seeing some of the sets that the team had spent the past couple of weeks building up here. We were also going to be running through some of the scenes that had been re-written since the cast had last been together. It wasn't uncommon for the writers to change scenes whenever they felt like it wasn't working for whatever they were trying to convey. I had gotten some of the changes a couple of days ago, but I had no doubt that there would be more today. There was one scene in the movie, the scene where Robert begs Kristen not to marry the man that would eventually become her husband, which I still didn't think was right. I wanted to talk to Edward about it before I talked to Sue and the writers about it. I didn't feel as if the desperation in the scene was equal for both parties and in my mind, I think both of them would have been pretty affected in the scene. The poem certainly made it seem as if Robert was far more broken in that scene than his lover was, but surely if their love was so epic and so deep, she would have felt like her soul was being ripped in half too. I didn't think that she would have been as cold about asking him to let her go as the scene portrayed it so far.
Sue was already there with the rest of the cast and crew when Edward and I joined them. She stopped talking when we walked into the room and I felt her eyes follow me all the way from the door to where everyone was standing, but I refused to meet them and left my sunglasses on even though we were now indoors. She was apparently giving a welcoming, inspirational speech to everyone involved, about how we would work together as a team to bring this story to life in a way it deserved to be. She highlighted everyone's importance to the production and underlined the importance of teamwork to the outcome of the finished product. Sue was a very unifying director. She made everyone working on the film feel just as important as everyone else, which was how it should be. A film was only successful when everyone working on it remembered that they were part of something bigger than themselves. So many actors and actresses in the business got so caught up in themselves and their 'star power' that they forgot the stunt co-ordinators that made sure they didn't break their necks; they looked over the editors that made sure they didn't look like completely idiots. Actors were really a very small part of the making of a film – the real hard work happened behind the scenes, done by people that rarely got even so much as a 'thank you' during awards season.
After the welcome speech, Sue made her way over as if to talk to me, but I quickly hid behind Edward and watched as someone else tracked her down and got her tied up in something. Edward noticed my very strange behaviour, but did nothing other than raise an eyebrow at me and continued talking to Tyler about some open mike night that some of the cast were apparently thinking of heading to tonight. It was the first I'd heard about it, but apparently Edward had already turned down the invitation because Tyler was trying to convince him with a promise of plenty of 'hot young rich girls' hanging from his every word. Edward's answering laugh shocked me because I was sure that he'd be much more receptive to the invitation once willing and available women were mentioned. I mean what single man wouldn't be. Unless of course Edward wasn't single. This once again brought the question up in my mind about his relationship with Rosalie. She was the only girl I had seen Edward spend any time with or even mention. Surely if he didn't want to meet attractive women, it was because he already had one he was pretty committed to. Well, at least my co-star wasn't some man-whoring prick. Shame the same thing couldn't be said about Tyler, who was rumoured to have hooked up with at least three of the girls in his last film.
Before I knew it, I was wrapped up in rehearsing a scene with Jessica and a few others in the cast with smaller parts. We were rehearsing a scene that would take place in Kristen's bedroom, the one where Jessica's character, Kate, found out about the secret romance going on between Kristen and Rob. It was strange that I found very little about Kate and Kristen's relationship in all my research. It was known that they had been friends for a very long time, growing up with each other and definitely mixing in the same sort of circles. However, I never got the impression that they were particularly close. In the film, it almost seemed as if Kate was the sister that Kristen never had, but I didn't really believe that in real life, Kristen would have ever trusted her with a secret of this magnitude. Or maybe she would because in real life Kate Stevenson had never given a single thing away about Kristen or their relationship after her death. The most she had ever said was that she had lost a good friend and that was at Kristen's funeral years ago. Ever since then, not a peep had been heard of from the woman, though from time to time people liked to ask her about her friend's mysterious death. I was sure that she would be hounded for months when the film eventually came out.
Kristen was bored. She was sitting in her room with some of her closest friends talking about what they had done over the summer and their plans for school. Two months ago, this conversation would have taken up all her attention and she would be giggling and making innuendos quite happily like the rest of the girls, but right now, she was just plain bored. She wished that she had never agreed to this stupid sleep over in the first place. It had been Kate's idea to have her host it because it had been so long since everyone had been together and once they went off to college, who knew when they would be in the same place again. It had all been fine before he found out that the secret gig they had been planning wasn't going to be on tonight because some of the wrong people had found out about it. At that point, she didn't have a better choice than to be sitting with her friends and talking about things that really didn't matter to her. However, when he text her two hours ago telling her that he was free now, she very nearly called everyone to cancel. All she wanted to do was be with him. It had been a week since she had last seen him and she missed him so much that it was almost becoming a physical ache.
Kristen had never felt this kind of longing for someone before, but it had been there from the very moment she laid eyes on him. It was as if her whole world had shifted so that he became the very centre around which she rotated and surprisingly, she was okay with that. What she was not okay with however, was the endlessly mind-numbing conversations about European holidays and summer flings that her friends were talking about. It never changed with them. All they cared about was blowing as much money as they could and finding as many guys to piss off their parents as possible. It all led to the same thing – they would marry some bland, boring son of their father's biggest rival or oldest friend. That was how their world worked. There were no choices made unless it benefitted the family and the business. Everything was rational, methodical, calculated and strategic. There was no room for falling in love in the Upper East Side of New York City.
If she was perfectly honest with herself, Kristen was just like these girls, or so she had been until about two months ago. She hadn't seen an alternative other than the life her parents had shown her and drilled into her since she could understand it. Then she walked into a small Parisian bar and she had seen her past, present and future in a pair of deep blue eyes that burned themselves into her brain for all of eternity. The moment she fell in love with Rob, Kristen saw a very different path to the one she was expected to take and it both scared and excited her.
"Kris, are you even listening to anything we're saying?" Kate asked her pointedly. She had been watching her best friend all night and Kristen's mind had definitely not been where her body was.
Kristen shook her head clear of thoughts of Rob and looked at her friends sheepishly. "Sorry guys," she apologised. "I completely spaced out just then."
"You've been spacing out all night," Catherine pointed out. "What's on your mind Kris?"
"Nothing," Kristen insisted, mentally berating herself for causing these girls to become suspicious. Her friends had the same kind of noses for gossip as a shark had for blood. She didn't need them thinking she had something to hide because they would dig around until they found something. Kristen did not need her parents to know about Rob because they would go insane and forbid her from seeing him. Not that she would ever comply with that, but she didn't her life to be made harder. "I'm just still a little tired. I guess I haven't adjusted from the time difference yet."
"Oh, that's right," Cecilia said. "You only got back from London last night right? How silly of us. We should have re-scheduled."
Yes, Kristen couldn't help but agree, they should have rescheduled. If she had thought about being jet-lagged before everyone came over, she could have used that as an excuse and she would be with Rob right now instead of trying to find excuses to explain away her non-participation in the conversation. Kate narrowed her eyes at her friend and Kristen avoided her questioning gaze. Kate knew her far too well and she knew that Kris hadn't suffered from jet-lag since she was twelve.
"Do you have the cut of the new Tom Cruise film yet Cat?" Cecilia was asking now. Cat's father partly owned the management company that handled Tom Cruise and several other extremely important celebrities on both coasts. Hence, Catherine often came into school boasting about the new film or album she had before anyone else.
"Oooh, yeah, I totally forgot about it. I have it in my bag here."
Ten minutes later everyone in the room was engrossed in Tom Cruise's latest movie adventure. Kristen, on the other hand, kept looking at her phone and wondering what Rob was doing right now. She wondered if there was any way at all that she could slip out of the house for even a little while just to go and see him. She only needed an hour; any amount of time would be better than not seeing him at all for another couple of days. After her left New York he'd be going to Boston and she knew it would be near impossible for her to see him so often then.
Kate had now seen her best friend check her phone for the sixth time in ten minutes. Obviously she was waiting for something and when it started to vibrate, she watched Kristen almost jump off the bed and race out of the room to answer it. Everyone else in the room was too busy swooning over the young Mr. Cruise to notice their friend's extremely odd behaviour, but Kate had been seeing a lot of Kristen's odd behaviour lately. Ever since she got back from her European holiday, it had been like she'd been on a different planet half the time. She didn't engage fully in anything they did now and her mind was always clearly somewhere else. Kate waited for a beat and then followed her friend out of the room being led by the sound of her hushed voice.
"...miss you too," she heard Kristen say into her phone. Kate had followed her all the way to the other side of the house, near the library entrance. Kate was staring at Kristen's back, wondering whether she should really listen to this conversation. After all, she owed her friend some privacy and obviously Kris didn't want anyone to know about whoever she was secretly seeing.
"I think I can get away for like thirty minutes max," Kristen said into the phone, her voice holding just a little resentment at the fact that she could only get away for that long. "Where are you?"
"What now?" Kristen spun around too fast for Kate to hide, but she didn't miss the way her best friend's eyes went from joyous to shocked and a little bit pissed off. Neither one of them said anything for what felt like hours, but really could only have been a few seconds and then Kristen just walked right past Kate, telling whoever she was on the phone with that she'd see them in ten minutes.
Kate quickly walked behind her, wanting to stay far enough back to not interrupt the conversation, but close enough to be able to catch Kris before she walked back into the room with everyone else. She didn't know if she wanted to apologise to her or demand to know who exactly Kris had been talking to on the phone. She was a little annoyed that her friend wouldn't tell her about this new guy when every other time before, Kristen would call her first so that she could gush about her boyfriend. Annoyed turned into worry rather quickly as Kate ran over all the possible reasons why Kristen would be hiding her obviously burgeoning romance from even her best friend.
"Kris," Kate called finally, just before Kristen turned the corner and headed back to her room. "Just wait a second will you, we need to talk."
Kristen shook her head, but slowed down considerably from her power walking pace. "There's nothing to talk about Kate," she insisted. "I'll pretend you weren't spying on me and you can pretend not to have ever heard that conversation. Win-win situation all around no?"
Kate pulled her arm so that she would turn around to look at her. "What's with you lately?"
Kristen shrugged and avoided her eyes by looking straight over her shoulder. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Ever since you got back from Europe you've been acting all sorts of strange," Kate persisted. "You don't have any interest in any of the things we both used to like doing. You're mind is always somewhere else and you're having secret meetings and phone calls that you won't even tell me about?"
Kristen narrowed her eyes and finally met Kate's frustrated ones. "Maybe I won't tell you about them because they're none of your damn business Kate, have you ever thought of that? Where the hell is the law that I have to tell you every little thing I do?"
Kate was shocked at the malice in her friend's tone. Kristen had never been like this with her and the fact that she was acting weirdly just confirmed for Kate that something huge was happening here. Something huge and not entirely desirable. "Maybe the fact that we're best friends Kristen," Kate answered back, not being able to hide the hurt from her voice or her face.
Growing up in the circles they did, Kate was no stranger to bitchy and back-handed comments. She regularly received such comments from people she called friends, but she never thought she'd see the day when Kristen would be so cold towards her. They had shared everything together and the girl in front of her had actually told her when she lost her virginity within an hour of doing so. Too much information, for sure, but Kate had thought they had the type of friendship where they both shared everything with the other one. It looked like either she had been incredibly wrong over the past few years, or something major had changed.
"Best friends don't listen in on each other's private conversations Kate," Kristen pointed out before turning back around and heading to her bedroom, no doubt to change.
Kate stood outside wondering what the hell to do. Obviously confronting Kristen in the state of mind she was in right now was not the best idea, but she was still incredibly worried that her friend was involved in something she should definitely not be. Kristen wasn't exactly known for wise decisions, especially when it came to dating and it seemed as if there was definitely a boy involved here. It was only last year that Kate had to cover for her as she insisted on having an affair with a married teacher at their school. Needless to say that ended in heartbreak on all sides and that teacher discreetly being forced to leave not only the school, but the state. Kristen tended to love being rebellious when it came to dating, probably for the same reason a lot of their peers did – to get it all out of the way before they were married off to young men of the 'right breed'. If Kristen felt that Kate couldn't be trusted with this new guy, it must have been worse than the married teacher and Kate didn't even want to think of what could have been worse than that.
By the time Kristen had left her room and sneaked around the viewing room so that none of the other girls would see her, Kate had already made up her mind about what she was going to do and taken up the correct vantage point with which to do it. If Kristen was meeting the mystery guy, she would have told him to come around the side entrance of the building where there was a low enough ledge for Kris to climb onto and then jump off of. It had been used many times by both of them to sneak out when Kristen's parents had expressly forbidden them to set foot outside the house. She watched as the familiar figure of her best friend, dressed in dark jeans and a dark hooded top that Kate didn't even think Kristen owned, jumped down the ledge and into the waiting arms of some guy leaning on a motorcycle. It was far too dark, and Kate was much too far away to be able to see the guy's face clearly, but when they zipped under a streetlight, the light brown hair and the angular jaw of the stranger could not be hidden and Kate heard herself gasping.
It was the guy from Paris.
*
Rehearsal was insane, but I absolutely loved the sets that they'd built, especially Kristen's house. They had recreated an entire library, though the books in them weren't real. The library was the place where one my favourite scenes of the entire movie took place – the scene where Kristen tells Rob she loves him for the first time. I had seen pictures of the real thing and the replica was an exact match, though it didn't quite have the distinctive musty smell of old books that I was sure the real one would give off. Then again, we weren't filming a scratch-and-sniff movie so it didn't really matter. I wandered around the library set and wondered if Kristen had spent much time here. She didn't strike me as the type of girl who would spend hours with these musty old books dreaming of living another life, or at least not in her youth. Whatever the truth of the rumours and stories were linking her to Robert Pattinson, there was a definite change in Kristen Stewart from the privileged, spoilt little rich girl to the rather reclusive woman. In all my research about her, the way she lived her life had definitely changed in the years that she was rumoured to have spent with the rocker.
"You look extremely deep in thought," Sue's voice interrupted thoughts about the girl – and woman – I would be portraying.
I nodded, but didn't say anything. She had wanted to talk to me all morning, but we had both been too busy for her to really have a chance. I was being ridiculously childish in avoiding her, but I wasn't ready to hear what she had to say yet and that being the case, I knew I'd snap at her for absolutely no reason. I just wanted Sue to be my director, not my boyfriend's friend. I didn't want her to interfere with this because it was none of her business, no matter how well-meaning she may have been.
"Look, Bella," Sue started and I sensed some hesitancy in her voice, as if she was doing this against her better judgement. "Jake's been calling me non-stop since Friday night asking me to check up on you and asking how you are."
"You can tell him to email me then," I told her. "I emailed him on Friday night as soon as I got here."
"Do you want to talk about what the hell is going on with you? That boy's worried sick about you."
"It's nothing Sue," I tell her, keeping my head turned towards the books that held nothing but empty pages. "It's just a personal issue at home that I don't particularly want to talk about and it won't affect my work so there's no issue here, I promise."
Sue gave out a very weary sounding sigh and I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes even though she couldn't see me. I could understand that she was worried about the film's production, but she didn't need to make it seem as if she had all the problems of the world on her shoulders. I was a complete professional and sure, she hadn't worked with me before, but she should have at least known that about me. I had never before let personal issues affect my work and I wasn't going to start now when this was possibly the biggest movie I had done to date. I waited for Sue to say something to me, but she surprised me by walking towards me and actually standing in front of me so I could no longer avoid her searching eyes.
"I'm not just worried about the film Bella," she told me in what I assumed was supposed to be a soothing manner, but I actually found rather annoying. "Jacob is a very good friend of mine, which means that you are, by extension. Of course I don't want the lead in my movie to be upset, but I don't want you as a person to be upset either."
If it had been any other time, I would have appreciated her hands-on approach, caring, but right now she kind of reminded me of the fact that I didn't have this kind of relationship with my mother. I was a little bitter about the whole thing and even though I knew I shouldn't be taking it out on Sue really, I couldn't help doing just that. I nodded and left quite abruptly, not saying anything for fear of telling her to mind her own business. Somehow, I sensed that wouldn't go down well with her. I walked away from the set without any sort of plan as to where I was going to go, only knowing that it had to be far away from here. Well, as far as one can go on foot within the two hours I had off for lunch. I wanted to head towards Central Park, but I was just outside of Manhattan and I didn't exactly know which way I had to go to get there. Obviously the two days I spent alone, wallowing in my apartment would have been much better spent exploring the city and the surrounding areas, but I hadn't been in the right frame of mind to think ahead. Just another example of my thoughtlessness and self-indulgence.
I settled instead for hunting down a convenience store, wanting to buy a pack of cigarettes that I had been craving all morning. I had been practically chain smoking the past couple of days after nearly two weeks of being extremely good and I loved it. I relished in the knowledge that I was inhaling addictive and harmful substances legally – it was probably the closest thing I would ever come to self-harming because I just wasn't emotionally unstable enough for that kind of thing (though maybe after another few days like these I would be). I was oscillating between being depressed, angry and indignant, so much that even I was getting sick of the internal monologue going on in my head. It was probably a good thing that I hadn't shared my experiences of the past three days with anyone else because I probably would have severed all my relationship ties.
I found a store about three blocks from the set and quickly bought the pack with the most chemicals in them. The first inhalation of a cigarette that you've been thinking about having all morning is a feeling like no other. It's simultaneously better than sex and worse because you know everything else after it is never going to be the same. I guess that's why it's so damn hard to actually give up smoking because the craving is so strong that you just have to have one and after that first puff you are a complete goner – a slave to the white, burning stick you hold in your hand.
"Is it me or are you enjoying that far too much for a normal person?" a very familiar voice asked from behind me. The voice wasn't entirely unwelcome, but I would have preferred to be alone right at this moment in time; alone with my very comforting friends that fit very nicely in my back pocket.
"Who said I was normal?" I quipped back, turning around to face Alice and giving her the best smile I could muster when all I wanted to do was suck on my quickly burning cigarette.
She shrugged. "I guess I can't argue with that," she conceded. "Do you want to talk about it?"
I shook my head emphatically. "I'm sick of hearing about it."
She looked confused for a fraction of a second before nodding her head in understanding. "Maybe you should be worried that you're talking to yourself. It's the first sign of madness you know."
"I would be worried, but I figure the lung cancer is going to get me before the complete and total loss of my mental capacity." If I couldn't be alone then the next best thing was to have a completely random conversation so that I could channel my frustration in the form of sarcastic avoidance.
Alice grinned and shook her head. "Come on," she invited, jerking her head in a vague direction away from the convenience store I was loitering in front of. "I have a feeling you need a drink."
I raised my eyebrow at her and burst out laughing. The last thing I needed was to go for a drink with Alice, especially after what happened the last time. Still, I agreed to go with her anyway, figuring I had nothing better to do and really I owed her for not pushing me when I said I didn't want to talk about it. If nothing else, the time I spent with Alice getting totally wasted on her yacht made her far more sensitive to the fact that I didn't like to share and I didn't like to be pushed into sharing; that was definitely not what I thought friendship was about. Doing something to distract your friend from her own thoughts and internal hatred however? Definitely something friends did – good friends too.
*
EPOV
New York was every bit as invigorating as I remembered it and I was once again struck with a longing to be back here instead of in LA, though admittedly the time away from Californian soil had increased its appeal somewhat. If this film worked out in the way everyone hoped it would and I didn't completely fuck up the role, I would be moving back to the East Coast sooner than I had ever hoped to. I only needed to become established in the industry enough so that I could have a pick of some roles that came up and then I'd be free to move anywhere in the country within reason. Even if I wasn't a fan of the character I was playing and I didn't know someone who had first-hand knowledge of the story, the prospect of a quicker route out of LA would have been motivation enough for me to work my ass off on this film.
It had been an incredibly long day on set even though we weren't anywhere near ready for filming. Rehearsals had been rather brutal even though we hadn't even touched some of the more crucial scenes of the film. I had spent the afternoon in a recording studio for the first time in my life and I was both terrified and excited. There was some debate as to whether or not we would be using Robert's actual voice in the scenes where he is singing, so they wanted me to lay down some of his tracks to see if I could imitate him closely enough. As soon as they told me about the plan, I felt something like a thousand bats flying around in both my abdomen and my chest – there was no way in hell I would be able to do his music justice. The man was an outright musician and by all accounts, his music was very personal to him. It was the story of his life and a record of his thoughts and experiences – I felt it would be wrong of me to try and copy that. However, the final decision was not mine and if I was going to be forced to sing his songs, I was sure as hell going to put everything I had into it.
Being in a recording studio was a completely surreal experience and I wasn't quite sure what to make of it, or of how I did. It didn't seem as if we got very far for the actual length of time we spent there, but apparently the producer said that it was fine and that I had done better than he ever expected. Whether that was a compliment or not, I didn't know and perhaps that was the way he intended it to be.
I hadn't seen Bella again after we parted ways following the end of Sue's speech. We hadn't rehearsed any of the scenes we had together and by the time she'd finished for lunch, I was already being driven to the studio in the heart of Manhattan. Being driven around New York was not my favourite way to travel and it wasn't just because of the ridiculous traffic on the streets. I loved walking around the city, being part of the bustling crowd that filled the sidewalks no matter what time of day – or night – it was. Still, it was a little ambitious of me to walk from outside of Manhattan right into the heart of the city within forty minutes. Even with the traffic, the drive was still much quicker than I would have been able to manage on foot. Bella had seemed extremely pre-occupied this morning and there was obviously something bothering her that she didn't want to share with me. When tears welled up in her eyes this morning, I began to panic that I'd done or said something incredibly insensitive and inappropriate, but when I repeated the conversation in my head, I couldn't come up with anything.
This morning's interaction was a little strange. It was hard to reconcile the bond that we had formed through the messages and phone calls that we had exchanged whilst I was in London, with the relationship we shared in person. It seemed as if Bella and I were close friends, but without the physical ease of having known each other for years even though it certainly felt that way sometimes. The hug was something I hadn't even thought about – almost a reflex of actually seeing her after having spent such a long time only getting to talk to her and text her. However, when I thought about it now, it was a very strange thing to do to someone that I hadn't even known for a month and something I would never have done to anyone else. Hmmm...maybe I was trying to replace Rosalie's presence in my life, which I had certainly been missing since I got back.
We had talked a couple of times since I left her in London and it seemed as if Rosalie was conquering a lot of her hidden – and not so hidden – demons. Esme had arrived at 3 o'clock in the afternoon, London time and I had to wonder what exactly it was that she could help Rosalie with. Esme was still something of a mystery to me, though admittedly a lot of it had to do with the fact that we hadn't spent much time together. Between my Mom, Rosalie and the wedding plans, I had only seen Esme twice more after out impromptu lunch the first week she'd been in America with my brother. I figured that now we were on the same side of the country it would be easier for me to meet up with both her and my brother. I hadn't seen Carlisle since I left for London, but we had talked rather a lot over the phone both about Rosalie's and Mom's situations. Carlisle had visited our mother again whilst I was in London and he assured me that she seemed to be in a much better state. Apparently, the doctors had been worried that she was showing signs of dementia on top of the paranoid schizophrenia, but that hadn't been the case after all. I was surprised that Carlisle hadn't mentioned this piece of information before I got back from London, but he had thought it best to wait until there was a concrete diagnosis before worrying me. When he put it like that, I couldn't help but agree with his reasoning; I was in London to be a support system for Rose, not to dwell on my own problems and burden her with my worries because she certainly didn't need to hear it.
I was just about to find my cell so that I could call my older brother and suggest the possibility of having dinner either tonight or sometime in the near future, when there was a soft knock at my door. Well, at least that's what I thought the noise was anyway, though I wouldn't have heard it at all had I not been in the living room at the time.
"Who is it?" I shouted, rising up off the couch to answer it even though I wasn't entirely sure that it had actually been my door that was knocked on.
There was no answer and I almost turned right back around to sit back on the sofa thinking it was probably someone else's door that was being pounded on. "It's me," a rather hesitant voice replied from the other side.
Bella sounded much younger and much less confident than she normally did and I wasn't at all surprised to find her shifting around anxiously from foot to foot when I opened the door. She was looking around her as if her being here was expressly forbidden by powerful being. She had been acting extremely weird all day and apparently it wasn't just when she was around me. I had overheard Sue talking to someone over the phone about Bella's strange behaviour, but didn't manage to catch anything more than the fact that our director was worried about her because I wasn't one to listen in on other people's conversations. Especially when they were about a friend of mine – it just felt wrong. She smiled at me when she finally let her eyes rest on one spot long enough to see that I was holding the door open for her to come in
"Hey," she greeted, walking past me and heading straight for the sofa.
"Hey yourself," I replied, shutting the door and following her. "What's up?"
She shrugged. "Nothing much. Just wondered whether you wanted to run some lines with me tonight?"
"Er-" The truth was that I didn't particularly want to run lines with anyone tonight. In fact, I didn't even want to see my script tonight. I had been studying the changes that had been made over the weekend and with the madness that had gone on today, I wanted to take a short break before I really got into it from tomorrow onwards. Then again, I didn't want to seem like I was being lazy when it was only the first day of pre-production.
Bella seemed to sense my hesitance and started to back-track, blushing a little as she spoke. I was struck with how attractive Bella was when she blushed – it showed a very different side to her than I was used to seeing. Then I caught myself and shook my head clear of that very random thought.
"Don't worry about it," she was saying. "You probably have better things to do anyway."
Well, not really. "I was thinking about grabbing dinner with my brother actually," I admitted. "He's here to organise his upcoming wedding and meet his fiancée's family and I thought that the earlier I met up with him, the better it'll be what with our schedules only getting worse by the day."
She nodded, her cheeks turning a much brighter shade of red than before. For some reason, the blushing and the nervous energy she was giving off right now made me see Bella in a completely different way, though I couldn't put a label on exactly how that was. "Sorry," she apologised, getting up from the sofa. "I shouldn't have just assumed that you'd be free. That was stupid of me. I'll just go back."
"Come with us if you want," I offered before she got much further than actually standing up.
She straightened and turned to look at me, as if assessing the sincerity of my invitation. "I don't want to put myself in the middle of some family get-together," she said. "I didn't mean for you to include me in your plans because I obviously have nothing better to do with my time than run lines."
I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "You won't be interrupting anything Bella," I assured her. "Carlisle doesn't even know I want to meet up for dinner yet. I just got the idea about thirty seconds before you knocked on my door."
She raised her eyebrows in suspicion, but then smirked two seconds later. "You wouldn't happen to just have made up those plans to have a valid excuse as to why you're not rehearsing tonight would you?"
"Would I do such a thing?"
She shrugged. "Maybe, but I'm glad you've included me because after today, I could really use a break from running lines and being Kristen." She paused and bit her bottom lip, a pensive look passing over her face. "Do you think it's a bad sign that only one day in and we're already looking for excuses not to rehearse?"
I chuckled. "Not bad per se," I told her. "It's just a sign that we're members of a generation that has a very short attention span and I'm kind of okay with that at the moment."
*
Carlisle was already waiting at the small restaurant in the heart of Greenwich Village when Bella and I arrived, laughing at the way someone on the street had recognised her and stopped walking, causing the three people behind her to slam into the back of her. That girl had obviously not been a native because simultaneously the best and worst thing about people in New York was they genuinely didn't give a shit. A true New Yorker would have spotted Bella and then just walked straight past her without another glance because there was something far more important to do. I think that may have been the reason that so many celebrities moved here – there was far more privacy and you could live some semblance of a normal life, whatever the hell that meant.
My brother stood up as Bella and I approached the table and I noticed her do a double take when she saw him. I bit back my laugh because I knew it would make her even more uncomfortable than she already was, but I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the way people reacted to Carlisle. When Rosalie had first met him, the words 'holy fuck' came out of her mouth involuntarily and she had to throw her hand over it to stop anything else embarrassing coming out. People were startled when they met Carlisle for two reasons; the first was that he and I didn't look all too similar. His blond hair and blue eyes were passed on from our maternal grandmother whereas I had my mother's hair and my father's eyes. The second reason – probably the most significant one in terms of both Rosalie's and Bella's reaction – was that as an undergrad, Carlisle had briefly tried his hand – or his body to be more accurate – at modelling. He had won a very big campaign with a certain designer who was famous for their underwear and since then, he had been getting recognised sporadically and mostly by women. He had been extremely embarrassed about it early on in his career when some of his patients recognised him, but it helped him pay off the couple of hundred thousand dollars of college and Medical School tuition, so I was pretty sure he'd do it again if he had his time back.
Carlisle turned to Bella and stuck out a hand to greet her. "Hello" he said, smiling warmly at her. "You must be Bella right? I'm Carlisle, Edward's older, more handsome brother."
Bella laughed and took his proffered hand, relaxing a little with his very amusing joke – or rather his attempt at an amusing joke. "Nice to meet you," she said before sitting down in the chair I had pulled out for her. She looked at me as I, myself sat down, but I couldn't decipher the silent question in her eyes.
"I'm glad you called Ed," Carlisle turned to me as the waiter handed all of us menus. "I was going crazy at the hotel. I need to talk to someone who doesn't want to have a conversation about flower arrangements, centre-pieces or pre-nuptial agreements."
"Esme wants you to get a pre-nup?" I asked, surprised. I don't know why I hadn't really thought about it before because of whom Esme's family was, but I really didn't get the impression from her that she would do something like this.
Carlisle shook his head. "Not her, no, her parents," he informed me. "It's not the pre-nup itself that I have a problem signing, I don't. It's the constant battle between what I should be entitled to should the marriage dissolve. I wouldn't mind, but I'm not even the one arguing, it's her Mom and Dad."
"They're arguing between themselves what assets you should be entitled to should you get divorced?" It was Bella who voiced this question, blushing when Carlisle looked at her and nodded.
"I've already told them I'll sign a piece of paper saying that I'd get nothing, but they're still holding up the process. I think they may be trying to find out if I have any money before drawing up papers for me to sign," he sighed deeply and paused. "Sorry, I said I didn't want to talk about any of this and here I am boring you with the details."
"Don't worry about it," Bella and I said at the same time and the laughed. Carlisle looked between the two of us and raised a questioning eyebrow at me that I was sure Bella caught and chose to ignore. We perused the menus for drinks and food before we got into any real conversation again, not wanting to delay eating for too long.
After the orders were taken, Carlisle asked us what we had spent our day doing and I listened to Bella recounting her experience today with just as much curiosity as Carlisle held because I hadn't been there to witness it. It seemed as if she had gotten in some sort of trouble with Alice at a bar, being that she was under-age and not supposed to have been drinking. However, her day on set didn't seem to be too fraught with difficulties and it only reminded me of just how much more experienced she was at this than me. I was betting that she would have been marvellous in the studio today whereas I'd been a bumbling wreck, ruining take after take of the two songs that we'd managed to record in the five hours we were there. I briefly wondered if Bella could sing. She told me that she played the guitar, or rather attempted to, but she absolutely refused to let me hear her because she was afraid I'd judge her, being musically inclined and all.
As I watched her speak with my brother, recounting her day, I was struck with a feeling – not for the first time today, that something just wasn't quite right with Bella. She had hinted in several of her texts and phone calls that there was some things going on in her life that had been causing her confusion and unhappiness, though I didn't really have any grasp as to what that could have been. I had wondered if it was her boyfriend, but I knew I would never ask her and I didn't think Alice would give me any kind of answers about Bella. That girl seemed a little territorial over Miss Swan and only today, she had given me an extremely odd look as Bella and I walked in to set together. I wondered if there was any way that I could get Bella to tell me what was bothering her and then I stopped myself short of that thought because I was once again doing what Rosalie had accused me of several times – attempting to solve everyone's problems. I sighed quietly to myself and shook my head clear because Bella was not some damsel in distress that needed saving and I had enough problems in my own life to deal with without prying into hers. Perhaps that was the root of all this white knight bullshit – I was too afraid to look at my own problems too closely in case I found that I couldn't solve those.
Carlisle brought me out of my reverie by asking me what I'd done with my day whilst Bella was busy rehearsing and I told him, struggling to not sound like a whiny school boy or an insecure idiot who didn't have a clue what he was getting himself into. For some reason, I was very aware of the fact that Bella was also hearing this conversation and I didn't want her to think less of me. It was strange how the balance in our friendship was a little screwed because it seemed like I was always trying to garner her approval even though with me being older, I should have been the more confident one. It wasn't like I minded because most of the time, I felt as if we were quite on an even footing in our friendship and sometimes, shades of the 18-year old girl Bella still was did shine through.
"You're singing in the film?" Bella seemed just as surprised with this revelation as Carlisle's expression showed that he was.
I shrugged and explained. "They want to see what I sound like compared to the real deal, so they're going to have me lay down some of the tracks used in the film and then run tests so that they can compare which way is better in the different scenes."
"I didn't know you could sing," Bella commented.
"Well, it still remains to be seen whether I can," I told her, smiling. She looked at me thoughtfully for a second before resuming her meal and again, I was left wondering what the hell was up with her today – she was being far more confusing than usual.
Carlisle caught my eye and raised an eyebrow at me in question of the exchange that Bella and I just had, but I had less idea what it was about than he did, so I could do nothing more than shrug. The rest of the dinner passed without incident and I was pleasantly surprised at just how well Bella and Carlisle interacted; I kind of got the feeling that Bella herself was a little surprised at how easy it was to feel comfortable with my brother. Then again, his entire profession centred on trying to make people around him comfortable enough to trust him with their lives – literally. I don't think Carlisle ever turned off the bedside manner he adopted, but after years of doing it, I wondered whether he could actually stop and step away from the role now.
"Do you guys have to be in early tomorrow?" Carlisle asked as the waiter brought us the bill that we'd requested more than ten minutes ago. The restaurant had gotten exponentially busier since we'd arrived and now it was heaving.
"Not ridiculously so," I told him, glancing at the bill and pulling out my wallet, intending to pay for all of it. "We don't have any five o'clock calls until we really start filming."
"Does that mean you have time to get a few drinks right now?" Carlisle took the bill from my hand and placed his credit card over the top of it.
"Yeah sure," I agreed, looking over at Bella who was frowning at my brother. "Do you have a problem with going for drinks Bella?"
She looked at me and shook her head before turning her still disapproving gaze at my brother. "I have a problem with what your brother thinks he's doing with that bill."
Carlisle looked at her quizzically. "Well, I was thinking about paying for our meal," he told her. "I haven't done a dash and dine since college and I don't think I'd be up for it."
I looked up at him in surprise, not having heard the dine and dash story before. I had always thought my brother, the upstanding citizen and a shining example to everyone else, had never done anything even remotely wrong in his life. Apparently Carlisle's college days weren't nearly as dull as he had made them sound, even with all the work I had seen him almost collapse under.
"You're not paying for me," Bella protested and I suddenly understood why she was almost glaring at Carlisle. Bella, I had found, didn't like people spending any amount of money on her. The girl wouldn't even let me buy her a coffee when we hung out unless I ordered it before she had chance to. I didn't understand it because she had absolutely no problem in buying or paying for things for other people, but when I pointed this out to her, she just shrugged her shoulders and told me it was her prerogative to be a paradox – she was a woman after all.
Carlisle, however, had never even met Bella before today and I hadn't exactly told him about her either. The subject of Bella had never really come up between my brother and I and apart from the fact that she was my co-star, he had known nothing else about her until we sat down at this table tonight. He laughed at her insistence and just shook his head, catching the waiter's eye and handing him the silver plate.
"Seriously Carlisle, you can't pay for me," Bella insisted even though she couldn't exactly stop him now. "You don't even really know me."
"I don't need to know you Bella," Carlisle told her. "The only thing I need to know is that you're my brother's friend. So where do the young kids go for fun these days Edward?"
I laughed at his easy dismissal of Bella's complaints and change of subject. If I'd done what he just did, I was pretty sure Bella would have hit me, but now she just shook her head in an attempt to convey her obvious disapproval at his actions. We were half way down the street trying to find a bar that looked vaguely inviting when Bella stopped in front of us, causing Carlisle and I to almost trip over her.
"What's up?" I joked, looking in front of us. "Did you see Britney Spears or something?"
Bella rolled her eyes and smiled. "No, but I just remembered that I have to do something and I can't make it to the bar with you guys tonight."
"You can't or you don't want to?" I asked quietly so that Carlisle wouldn't hear. I don't know whether I wanted to know the answer. Surely Bella wasn't so pissed off with my brother that she would actually just go back home? She didn't seem to be that spiteful or immature, but then again she had been in a very strange mood all day.
"I literally can't," she assured me, putting a soothing hand on my arm. "Whereas you don't have an early morning call tomorrow, I have to meet Alice at six."
I grimaced at the time. It was already eleven now. "Do I want to know why?"
She shook her head. "I don't even want to know why."
We laughed together and I felt a little disappointed that she would not be spending the rest of the night with us. Bella had been pretty much her usual self at dinner and I had realised that I really missed hanging out with her this past week. It was different being with her at work because we were different at work. Our dynamic was completely different and it only had a little to do with the fact that we were supposed to be two completely different people on the set. I insisted on hailing a cab for her and seeing her off. There was a moment when she got into the car and looked up at me that I was filled with the insane and very sudden urge to lean down and kiss the top of her hair. Instead, I just smiled down at her and hoped that the confusion within my own head didn't show on my face. She said a small goodbye and was speeding away in the back of a yellow taxi before I could utter the words myself.
I had almost forgotten that Carlisle was even here as I watched Bella's cab mix with all the other yellow cabs in New York. He came up behind me though and put a hand on my shoulder, patting me in a manner that was supposed to be comforting, I think.
"You are so screwed Edward," he said sympathetically. "Royally fucking screwed."
I was about to ask him what the hell he was talking about, when I noticed him look in the direction I had just been staring at. I looked him in the eye and all he did was raise an eyebrow at me. I remembered the way that I had wanted to place a gentle kiss on the top of Bella's soft, brown hair when she was leaving and I had to agree with my older brother. I was totally and completely screwed.
AN: Thanks for everyone who reads the story and a special thanks to everyone who reviews - I do enjoy reading people's reactions to the developments.