Round 11 - Seasons Greetings
BEATER 2: Write about growing old on a winter day(s) OR youthfulness on a spring night(s).
Optional prompts: (dialogue) "You can't start a new chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.", (song) This is Why I Need You - Jesse Ruben
WARNING: This fic is one big spoiler for Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them! Really, you won't get it if you haven't seen it.
Word count: 2774
Disclaimer: I am not JK so I don't own author rights to the HP series nor Fantastic Beasts movie. I'm also not Jesse Ruben so that's no rights to This is Why I need you for me.
Kintsugi
I. He
I have so many questions and places to go
There are too many options, far too many unknowns
This is why I need you
And everyone talks now, but no one is right
There are too many armies, with no one to fight
This is why I need you
Sometimes, he felt too old. Some days, he wondered if the canning factory had in fact managed to sap his soul from his body. A slow, constant drain of all that made him who he was, matching the ruthless march of Newtonian time. Certainly, every passing second there felt like a second closer to death or, worse, soullessness.
And even here and now — so removed from that hell on Earth, living his dream — he often found himself wondering whether his soul wasn't already lost because something was. Something important was missing. He could see it in the shapes of his pastries, in the sad blue eyes of that pretty blonde woman that occasionally dropped by his bakery, on the ice in the park that tickled in his brain like a memory that one knew was there but that just wouldn't resurface.
Only, as far as he was aware, there was no such memory.
He was sure that the beautiful, sorrowful woman that dropped by his bakery every now and then was a key. She, the shapes of his pastries, and the impossible dreams were like puzzle pieces that wouldn't quite fit into his life anymore. Even though he knew that they belonged there.
He couldn't even contemplate a world in which they didn't fit, and yet — yet the puzzles of his life were missing too many pieces for those three to fit in.
But when she watched him from across the bakery, he could almost make them fit anyway. She made the impossibility of these dreams seem less impossible. She asked him for two nifflers and he handed her — judging by her unwavering smile — the right pastries without thinking about it. The shape was unmistakable, after all. It wasn't till the bell stopped its ding-o-ding after her exit that he realised that the likeness — while remarkable — was to a creature from his dreams.
And for a moment, he wondered: what if?
Ironically, it wasn't her that made the pieces click together. It was a glimpse of a pale blue coat and coppery curls. He stood at the street looking after it, wondering, 'What if my dreams are actually memories?' It wasn't until Newt came by his bakery that he knew.
He was also suddenly very sure that knowing wasn't safe. But he smiled and Newt's name slipped from his lips anyway — because while he didn't remember and might not understand, he knew that Newt was his friend and a good man.
That night, he dreamed of the faces whose bravery was so thin that it was see-through, and the hardest step he ever took. He has never considered rain to be menacing, but right now — waking from that — he would prefer the howling of damned souls or swoosh of falling bombs to the usually so soothing pitter-patter of falling rain.
He hastily threw some clothes on and went outside. The rain was cold and wet, and it plastered his clothes to his skin, but it didn't hurt and it didn't alter his mind or memory as he wandered the streets. Soon, it ended and he found himself left standing in the wet street before a strangely familiar building.
He looked up at the rows of darkened windows. This had to be where Queenie lived with her sister; he could vaguely recall being in their home. He couldn't remember why he stayed there, just the sense of wonder and safety he felt once upon a dream.
He shook his head ruefully. He understood now why Queenie kept giving him those sad looks. He was still missing so many 'why's and 'how's, but as he turned to trudge home, he knew that he loved her, he trusted Newt, and he never wanted to forget them. But he had walked into that damned rain knowing he would forget them anyway because it was safer for all of them, because it was less heartbreaking that way.
He shivered as his legs dragged him home. What could be more heartbreaking than forgetting? Than meeting your heart, knowing they didn't even remember you? Looking at the man that used to look at you with love, only for him to not even recognise you?
The questions rang through his head without any answers in sight. He suddenly felt too old for this — this madness that had him wandering through the cold, empty streets in the dead of night. He shivered in his wet clothes.
Once upon a dream, he had the love of a beautiful witch whom he gave his heart, then he was made to forget. Now, he remembered.
Now, he mused, Does she love me still? How will she react once she sees that I remember?
II. She
'Cause you make the darkness less dark
You make the edges less sharp
You make the winter feel warmer
And you make my weakness less weak
You make the bottom less deep
You make the waiting feel shorter
You make my crazy feel normal, every time
You are the who, love is the what, and this is the why
Tina felt as though she had aged by decades during the winter that just passed. The mess with Newt's creatures running rampant, being sentenced to death, finding her boss was impersonated by Grindelwald for Mercy Lewis only knew how long, seeing her fellow Aurors kill a child they all failed so terribly — that would certainly be enough to age anyone beyond their years.
Yet, it was other things that made her feel way too old to face the day — the way the sound of rain always made her remember Jacob walking away or how she often found herself turn to say something to Newt, only for him to not be there.
The whole thing made her head hurt. How could she miss him so much? When did she start to banter with him rather than snapping at him? And how could she be so selfish as to bemoan him sailing away when he promised to return? When she was waiting for Queenie, who had to be a hidden masochist to keep sneaking off to Jacob's bakery like this?
Tina sighed. Most of all, she felt like it was Queenie's heartbreak that made her grow old on the seemingly endless winter nights. How many times had she watched from afar as her sister's heart broke over and over again as she once again snuck out to see him? How many times had she listened to her proud little sister cry herself to sleep, utterly powerless to help?
When she was left to fend for both of them, it had been Queenie's light that kept her going. It, like the light of full moon, was strong enough to lighten her way, to make her see where her steps were taking them, and yet so gentle it could never hurt her eyes.
When she was at her weakest, it was Queenie that kept her from shattering, but now, she could only watch as she died bit by bit inside. Tina was powerless to ease her suffering; even with all her training, her magic was reduced to impotent thumping in her veins in face of this terrible injustice.
But she felt hope bloom in her heart as she read the letter that had come on the first spring night. The long winter was over and things were finally looking up for Newt was coming. And with Newt there, she had no doubt that she would find a way to do more than stand and watch.
She smiled — a thin, bitter quirk of her mouth. She could practically see it — Newt once again running into her life, dragging her to rock bottom so their feet had enough purchase to jump and soar. Somehow, he would pick up the broken pieces and make them into something beautiful. Because when he wasn't excitedly bouncing around exploring, that was what he did.
That night, she fell asleep feeling like a child that had just been reassured by their mother or father that everything would be alright.
III. He
There are so many problems and no one who cares
There are so many roads, and they all need repairs
This is why I need you
And there's not enough chocolate, there's too many chores
There are so many mountains that I haven't explored
This is why I need you
Newt stepped from the ship onto the land with purpose. Customs had never seemed so slow before. It was an eternity of waiting in the line for a Mugg — Nomaj to take a quick look at his battered suitcase and his papers and wave him through.
Even the brisk glance over his papers felt too long when Newt knew she was waiting for him. Once he was outside, he found himself running towards the bank where he first met her. She hadn't gotten a day off, but she had promised to meet him there.
It was kind of funny how he had spent the whole way agonising about how terrible the meeting was going to turn out to be, and now, he could only think of their parting in the harbour. For once, he wasn't wondering how Queenie was holding up or what Jacob was doing. No, for the first time in weeks, he wasn't cursing Rappaport's Law, Grindelwald or American Aurors.
Now, he was rushing through the busy New York streets with Theseus' advice that he had already failed to follow once ringing in his ears. He had already failed to follow it once; he was not planning on doing so again
"You can't start a new chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."
He was going to start the new chapter of his life by kissing Tina like he should have
done once upon a December.
And if there was perfectly true documentation naming a certain Jacob Kowalski a Squib in his suitcase, well, he certainly had no plans to point out that the man whom it referred to was actually one of the many victims of World War I and of no relation to a certain baker. Just like he wasn't in any hurry to mention to Tina the trip for four to Niagara Falls that he had started to plan during the seemingly unending journey to America.
After all, it would be preposterous to think Jacob would remember just because he didn't consider all those magical memories to be bad. It would be scandalous to think Queenie might like a spring wedding in Canada to someone she had only met last December.
Most of all, though, it wouldn't do to get anyone's hopes up.
And then he stopped thinking and possibly breathing because he saw her. She stood on the same spot as when he first met her and he had never seen anything so beautiful. And then she was in his arms like it was the most natural place for her to be and he shyly and hesitantly angled his head and met her lips with his own.
Intellectually, he knew the world was as messed up as it was moments before, but here and now, he couldn't care less. Because with her in his arms, the problems of the world felt less like a train hurtling towards a rocky mountainside and more like spring rain. A spring rain that just passes you by and leaves the grass smelling so deliciously fresh and the whole world seemingly younger and cleaner in its wake.
IV. She
You keep the ship moving forward
And you make it easy to try
You make my crazy feel normal, every time
You are the who, love is the what, and this is the why
You are the who, love is the what, and this is the why
You are the who, love is the what, and this is the why
Queenie sat by the window, her head pressed against the cool glass as she wept with the sky. What could she do but weep? It had been months, and she still felt like a shard of a greater whole — all sharp edges that did not belong anywhere anymore.
When Newt and Jacob came into their life, Queenie had had no idea how much they would change it. She had always been a bit of loner, partly because most people could not put up with her Legilimency. Her sister had taught her that the people who could not take her as she was were not worth the effort of changing anyway. Not that Queenie could change her nature; she had tried once after Teenie graduated and she was left alone at Ilvermorny. Surrounded by people who envied and pitied her or, worse, feared her, she had come to peace with staying lonely for the rest of her life.
Well, not really, because even then, she knew that Tina, while physically away, was still there for her. She could always depend on her big sister.
But now Tina was as lost and broken as Queenie herself was: two pieces that no longer quite fit together. She found herself seeking out Jacob, only to shatter anew each time he did not even recognise her.
The four of them together had been … incredible. They were thrown together by a whirlwind of events that she could have never even imagined happening, and they had become something more than themselves under the weight of history-changing events. They had broken so many laws it wasn't even funny, and yet instead of MACUSA executing them, they were hailed as heroes. Tina was even reinstaginated as an Auror!
And yet, Queenie found that the most incredible thing about it was Jacob. The Nomaj that was not freaked out by a witch with mind-reading capabilities. Hell, even Tina grew annoyed from time to time with Queenie's constant disregard for privacy, and yet Jacob… Queenie sighed. Jacob and Newt had both been something else.
They had shown her and Tina what it was like to belong, to not be alone, and now the life they had lived before them seemed so empty and meaningless. And now Newt was returning. She tried to be happy for Tina, she really did, but it felt like walking to Kowalski Bakery that first time, only to see not even a shadow of recognition in those beloved eyes.
She was therefore utterly unprepared for Jacob recognising her on the day Newt was scheduled to arrive. But even though she had not told him her name since the rain, he asked her: "Queenie, do you want two niffler pastries as usual?"
So she stood there frozen, not daring to breathe or move. Terrified this was a dream.
"Queenie?" he asked, softly, his voice full of worry.
"Jacob?"
"Yes?"
"What changed?"
"I… I couldn't have dreamed him up."
Giggling, Queenie replied: "No, he is too incredible for that, isn't he?" She watched as the most brilliant smile she had ever seen stretched over Jacob's lips.
"He is."
"So, he was there?"
"Yes, I might have sneaked two prototypes to his order of Tina's favourite and a niffler."
"Prototypes?"
"I'm starting on occamies."
"Mhm, we need a lot of pastries for tonight's celebration, then. I hope you'll be there?"
"I wouldn't miss it for all the riches in the world," he told her, handing her a full cake box of pastries.
"I'll hold you to that," she replied. Then, she leaned in and pecked his cheek before walking away. She had a dinner to prepare.
That night, she served her family a dinner more elaborate than anything that she had cooked in a while. She could have sworn that with every minute spent talking and laughing in the brightly lit apartment while the night grew darker and darker still before eventually starting to brighten again, she grew younger. They all did.
She could watch the years falling from them all. The world was still a messed up place, and in the morning, they would all have to worry about Rappaport's Law and whatever Newt had snuggled in his case this time, but here and now, everything was perfect.
Here and now, she knew it wouldn't be easy — nothing worthwhile was — but she wouldn't ever let this go again.