Within Temptation©
Chapter Eleven: Honeymoon
By Genevieve Lee

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"Our tragedy is a general and universal physical fear so long sustained by now that we can even bear it... the basest of all things is to be afraid of the unknown."

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Erik

I had never been able to sleep for longer than four hours at a time. That is how I found myself awake only two and a half hours later with no chance of slipping back into the peaceful unconsciousness my tortured mind so longed for. By now it was about three in the morning, and only glance at the window told me that the city of London was still sleeping.

A deep contented sigh broke the silence of the room, reminding me I wasn't alone. I looked over to see Audrey in a deep sleep on the other side of the bed. Even in slumber she seemed to shy away from me. She was lying opposite of me, giving me a view of the back of her head where her blonde curls, that almost looked white in the moonlight, streamed down her back and lay like a soft pile of silk on her pillow. Her back was bare; a pale sliver of flesh in the moonlight. Her spine was easily visible as she took in a deep sigh and released it, shifting so that her arm lay stretched out beside her. She was obviously a restless sleeper, for a moment later she turned over again, mumbling as she did so, and exposing a sallow breast to the open air.

Disgusted at myself, I stood softly from the bed as to not rouse her before covering her in full again. I then donned my robe and walked to the other side of the large room to the fireplace where only burnt ambers remained, and a bit of spark. I took the poker and began to tend to it, throwing in another log and kindling it until it was alight once again. Even when I was successful I turned my back to it, letting its warm aura lick my back until it became uncomfortable. But I needed anything—anything to keep my mind busy, but of course the subject was unable to be distracted by something as weak as desperateness.

I had overcome common and earthly lust countless times in my life; glad to have something that I could defy, seeing that words could still hurt me. As could the lingering glances I got when wearing the mask in public. But now I had given in to what almost every man did, which was the pure animalistic need for sex. I suppose it was better that I did not have to pay a nightly fee to some whore, but the fact remained: Audrey did not wish to be my wife and so taking from her what I did still held agonizing consequences; to my mind, at least.

I had gotten what I had wanted: a real, living, and breathing wife who was here, and not against her will. Although I had obviously not been her first choice as a husband, I made myself feel slightly better by thinking that if she had not married me she would have married some man very much too old for her who would only crush her spirit and simply have her as a pretty thing to lean on his arm and smile, because she was beautiful. Her pale hair, which was always tidy, looked stunning in that moment as it law sprawled around her like a feral tributary. Audrey's eyes were striking as well. Though blue like Christine's, her's seemed to hold a fire in them, and inquisitiveness when she knew I was putting up arms or not being truthful.

But quite frankly Audrey was not what I wanted.

I strode across the room to my trunk that had been brought up earlier by a servant, and opened it, digging through my few belongings before I finally found Christine's portrait.

I wished it had been her. I wished all of this: the engagement, the wedding, and the wedding night, especially the wedding night, had been her. Would she be a different lover than Audrey? Would her timid modesty make her even more desirable?

There would also be a lack of Audrey's witty mockery, I thought bitterly to myself. And although she could be sarcastic to the point where I could happily strangle her to death, I had to admit there was never a dull moment with her, which is why I had picked her in the first place. Somehow she had changed my quiet and self-pitying life to something…appealing. I was so used to being in that estate alone it would be interesting to see what bringing my new boisterous and energetic wife would do to it. I imagined it being somewhat like bringing a new puppy home.

I sighed in frustration with myself when I realized this had been the second time I had picked up Christine's picture and thought of Audrey. Perhaps I should take Nadir's advice.

"Move on with your life! Thank Allah I am here to knock some sense into you!"

It was so terribly hard though, but I found myself somewhat grateful for Audrey, and I looked at her fondly as I set the picture frame back into my trunk, tucking it beneath some of my clothes where I knew she would not find it.

And I realized at that moment, that despite everything, it was a good feeling to have someone that solely belonged to me. So, exhausted by my mind's notions and the constant long-winded thoughts, I crawled back into bed and remarkably slept until morning.

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A desperate plea from Nadir to have lunch with him to discuss an important matter left me slightly flabbergasted, but quite ready to oblige. The entire morning had been seemingly awkward between Audrey and myself, and I was ready to leave for a few hours and perhaps discuss what was happening with Nadir. He had been married; he had to be of some sort of help.

Unfortunately Audrey had caught me fastening my cloak and she was immediately nosy.

"Where are we going?" she questioned as I turned my back to her, the more to ignore the pleading in her eyes I knew I would see a moment later.

"I am going to have lunch with Nadir, as he has something to discuss with me," I said, putting emphasis on the singularity of the event, although she, of course, chose to ignore this matter.

"I cannot simply stay here alone," she answered, her voice full of shock.

"You can and you will."

I heard her huff out a deep breath and I knew, I absolutely knew, that when I turned around her arms would be crossed and she would have that familiar look of intuition in her eyes as she glared up at me.

I was not disappointed.

"Aren't we supposed to be deciding where we will go on our honeymoon?"

"Do you even want to go on a honeymoon?" I retorted irritably, wanting to get her focus on something else rather than coming with me.

It worked. My statement made her face smooth over in thought, and her arms drooped to her sides; her stance immediately relaxed. "It is what is done," she said calmly, her voice questioning for once.

"Do you always do what is expected of you?" I challenged.

"No." Then a wicked glance flashed across her face. "You do not expect me to go with you," she said simply.

"You aren't going."

Ten minutes later found us in the carriage on our way to the specified location in Nadir's note. I was looking crossly out of the window, completely aggravated with the fact I had given in and let her come along. She had begged and pleaded and followed me through the house like an infuriating puppy until I agreed she could come. I was afraid what would have happened if I had left her alone with my belongings. I didn't look over at her, not wanting to be met with her victorious expression. But I did ask, "Perhaps we could go to Rome?" I had not been there in years, and I was anxious to return to sketch some of the architecture. Women thought of that as a romantic city, didn't they? Either that or Paris, which was completely out of the question. According to Madame Giry I was still being hunted, even with the reopening of the opera house.

"I thought we weren't going anywhere."

I looked at her in surprise. I had mostly said that to make a point and I wondered what her real intention was, if she really even wanted to go. When I stated so, she gave a light shrug.

"It matters not to me." She had then looked down at her lap, and I realized her lack of enthusiasm came with the…activities that were done on a honeymoon rather than the location. The thought made me look away as well, thinking that perhaps last night had been a mistake.

On the other hand, we were married, and why should I not get to enjoy the marriageable behavior that other men did?

I sighed, knowing I was not going to find peace of mind about that certain subject so I let it drop from my mind. I decided to do whatever Audrey wanted, as it would be a relief to return home to the things that had become familiar to me in the past few years. All these unreleased emotions needed to e released somehow, and my organ seemed like a good choice.

"Whatever you want, my dear," I answered instead.

Audrey looked at me and then out the window, chewing on her lower lip in thought. She was probably torn. Knowing her, which I was starting to, she probably wanted to go somewhere beautiful and different, but not with me, seeing as what was expected on these sort of trips. The truth of it stung, and I had to look away to hide the fact on the unmasked side of my face. Why is it fair that I could never be wanted from a woman in that way? Would last night have been the only time I would be able to diverge in the release and bliss of the flesh? Of course, she was my wife and she was expected to do that sort of thing when I wanted, but I couldn't find it in myself to do that either.

Curses! What had I been thinking? This marriage was a mistake. I had had this silly idea in my mind that I could just chose a woman, marry her, and everything would just be fine and outstanding? We would become friends first, eventually fall in love, and have children, grow old together, and live a happy life? Is that really what I thought would happen? The more and more I went into this marriage the bigger of an oversight it seemed. I had been a fool to think that a union to another woman would result Christine being lost from my mind like a magic trick. I would just have to accept I would always love her, but that she was gone from me forever.

I did take comfort in the fact that she had chosen my marriage over that of some fellow named Mossberg, and she also hadn't turned away in disgust last night. I wanted to think there was hope after all, but I refused to let myself do so.

"I think I'd prefer to go back to your house—home—can we just go home?"

I had been so lost in thoughts her voice actually startled me. It took me a moment to remember what our conversation had been about, and then I remembered. She had ultimately decided not to go on a honeymoon which was a good alternative for me.

"Whatever pleases you," I said in order to make her think it was her idea.

"Well—what do you want to do?" I had not at first realized she had asked my opinion, and I did not respond. "Erik? What are you thinking about that has you so distracted?"

"Pardon? Oh, nothing." I tried to clear my head in order to answer her questions accurately.

She narrowed her eyes. She knew I was lying. "I simply asked what could possibly be occupying your mind so fiercely."

"Nothing, my dear. I suppose I didn't sleep well last night and exhaustion merely has my mind elsewhere."

I was surprised when Audrey blushed and looked away, making me comprehend that my words could have been taken in two senses. The dawning of this realization made me look out the window as well; both of us also fell into mutual silence.

"Erik," she paused, "What would you like to do?"

I hesitated, choosing my words carefully. "I shall leave it up to you. If you like…," I stopped for a moment, deciding on whether or not to be truthful. I was pretty sure she kind of woman who could take the confusing honesties of my mind. "If you would rather we could go later this year when we are…more comfortable with one another."

She turned from the window to face me, her delicate eyebrows cinched together in confusion, making me feel slightly self-conscious.

"What?" I demanded in a self-aggrandizing way.

"I just hadn't expected you to say that is all." She wrung her hands, looking down. "If you don't mind, I think that would be preferable."

I nodded, silently relieved as I looked out the window, trying to put the odd situation out of my mind.

The carriage came to a stop not long after; stopping in front of the restaurant Nadir had requested to meet at. I wondered if he was expecting Audrey to come with me.

I waited until our driver came and opened the door before emerging, feeling ill at ease at the fact I was out in such a public place in daylight. Although I hadn't been living underground since Paris over two years ago, I still hadn't gone out in a public place such as this. I usually avoided these situations at all costs.

I cleared my throat slightly, making my way towards the front once I had helped Audrey out of the carriage. I did not realize she was unhappy until she heaved a sigh.

I turned from my perch, halfway up the stairs needed to ascend to reach the dining area. A few feet behind me stood Audrey with a very unhappy look on her face.

"What is it?"

"It's just you could have offered me your arm," she said, all proprietary.

"Oh, I—" I couldn't think of anything to say and so I simply held my arm out to her, surprised when she actually slipped her hand through and we walked up the stairs together. Once we were there, I spoke to the man at the front, trying to avoid the odd look the man was giving me. I could tell Audrey noticed as well.

Luckily Nadir was already there and we did not have to wait for him. I watched silently as he kissed my wife's hand affectionately and they shared a small joke. It was obvious they got along well. I didn't know if that pleased or irritated me.

Once seated I looked at Nadir evenly, folding my hands atop the table.

"What is it you needed Nadir? It is our honeymoon."

"But you said—"

I silenced Audrey with a glare, but Nadir did not miss the exchange.

"What is this?" he asked, looking at Audrey rather than me. He knew I would not tell the full truth, and of course my wife betrayed me.

"We have decided not to go on a honeymoon at this time," she said as a simple explanation as she assessed the menu in front of her.

"Oh and why not?" Nadir looked at me through the corners of his eyes, probably remembering the words I had told him less than a week ago; the same ones I had told Audrey last night: that I wanted this marriage to be a true one. He was probably curious about how the night before had gone, not that I would ever tell him.

"We want to wait until the weather isn't so bloody hot," she answered, taking a sip of water and not looking up, missing the surprised and thankful gaze I threw her. It made me wonder why she had lied for my benefit. Although with a sigh I realized it was with her as well.

"What is this all about?" I demanded a second time.

He smiled and leaned back. "Oh, I simply wanted to visit with my closest friend and his new lovely wife."

Audrey smiled, his words having their obvious affect on her.

I sighed. This was going to be a long lunch hour.

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Genny's Note: Yeah. It's been forever. College applications. Senior year. Job. Hanging with my brother. But I did get it done!

Also, I was speaking with my beta (who is also my real-life best friend) about the length of this chapter and how I wasn't happy with it. She merely pointed out to me that it's more the quality than the quantity that matters. Hopefully you agree. Please don't starve me from my reviews. (: