Chapter 11: Suffering

I don't think anything could've prepared me for what happened when I woke up on May 30th… Itachi and I had been married barely a year, I was twenty at that point, and I woke up just so sick. I first thought it was a cold, or even the flu, but the stomach pain I was feeling was in no way related to a virus, I was sure of it.

It could've been food poisoning, but, that also seemed highly unlikely. A good part of my morning had me in bed, groaning to myself over the pain, because Itachi had already left. I waited for nearly three hours after I woke up to call the hospital, and they asked me the one question I never asked myself that morning: 'could you be pregnant?' It really never crossed my mind, and I ended up stuttering for a good minute or so, before I finally responded with "I don't know…"

They told me to go ahead and come into the hospital, but I couldn't, I was in too much pain. I heard the person on the other end of the line sigh, and say they would send people to get me.

I hung up after that, and just prayed nothing was wrong with my baby, if I really was pregnant.

I was finally taken to the hospital nearly half an hour later, and I was still in pain, sadly. My doctor asked me a round of questions, most of which I answered with 'I don't know', until she finally wanted to check if I was pregnant.

I was. I felt my jump just a little bit, in excitement, but I then had a horrid thought cross my mind: 'I must've miscarried', that was the only explanation for the abdominal pain I was having. I almost instantly begged my doctor to do an ultrasound, just to check on the baby, and she did.

But, then, she gave me the heart shattering news I knew was going to come. I did miscarry, and it really did break my heart. I was so excited for barely ten seconds, and then I was told I wasn't going to have my baby.

I didn't start crying until I made another realization. I had miscarried Itachi's child…

I mean… I know it was our child, but…it hurt worse when I thought of that, for some odd reason. I don't know why, it just did.

I was mad at myself.

The rest of that day was a mess, but I won't go into detail. All I'll say is that, after everything was done at the hospital, Itachi came and got me, then took me home. He had been informed of what had happened over the phone, and it was quiet for the rest of the day. Neither of us knew what to say, because this hadn't happened to anyone we knew before.

No, wait, that's a lie.

I remember, very distinctly, when I was about four-years-old, my parents' said my mom was pregnant, but, then, a few weeks later, they told me I wasn't going to have my little sibling, because she had died. I remember crying after that, and my mom crying as well.

I now understand every bit of pain my mom felt about losing my precious little sibling, her very precious second daughter.

It wasn't until we went to bed that night that I finally said something. "I'm sorry, Itachi."

All he did was shake his head and say, "Don't be."

And then the silence returned to us, but it was not welcome.

"Asuna."

Looking up from the paper I was working on, I looked to Sakura, who was holding onto her very sweet little two-year-old Sanosuke, and I gave a smile, reaching to take him from her. She handed him to me, but held a sad look on her face.

"What's up, Lady Hokage?"

Sakura shot me a glare for a second; ever since she became Hokage, she just hated it when I called her 'Lady Hokage'.

"I heard what happened last month."

My shoulders dropped and I looked from her to Sanosuke, patting his head as he smiled up at me. "I knew you would eventually… I was going to tell you…"

"What did Itachi say?"

I just shook my head, having no real answer. "We haven't talked much since it happened…"

"What? Why not?"

"Because, we have no idea what to say to each other… this is a very touchy subject."

She sighed, and then sat down across from me. "Of course it is. A very precious life was lost."

I nodded, trying to force back my tears. Sanosuke noticed this, even though he's only two, and he patted my cheek before saying, "It be okay, auntie!"

After he said that, I hugged him and gave up. I started crying.

"Asuna…"

"I… I knew for barely ten seconds before they told me we had lost him! I was so excited, and then they told me my little boy was gone…"

"Did you guys name him?"

I shook my head. "We didn't talk at all that day… I'm still so mad at myself."

"What?"

"It's my fault… I didn't know… if I had known, I would've taken better care of myself, I wouldn't gone on any missions!"

"Asuna, stop it."

No, that was not Sakura. I lifted my head, but didn't even dare to look behind me. I knew who it was, but I was such a mess I didn't want to look at him. Sanosuke pulled his face out of my shoulder and looked behind me, then smiled. "Uncle Itachi!"

I knew it, right when I heard his voice. My tears started coming along even faster, and I think Sakura noticed this, because she got up from her seat, came over to me, and took Sanosuke back.

"Let's go back to momma's office, Sanosuke."

"Ok!"

After they left, there was nothing but that same unwelcomed silence that has been around for a whole month now. Neither of us said a word, and I just sat there with my back to Itachi, still crying my eyes out.

"I thought you were on a mission…"

"I got done early."

"Oh…"

More silence, and I finally got myself to stop crying. After another minute or so, I finally stood up and faced Itachi. "I need to get back to work."

"No, you need to talk to me."

"But, Sakura-"

"Will understand. Now come on, we're going home."

I just watched Itachi as he turned and started to leave, and then I followed after, knowing he was quite serious. I just really hope I don't break down.

I followed Itachi all the way back to our house, and it was silent the whole time, even when we got there. We didn't say anything for a good twenty minutes after we got to our house, because I still had no clue what to say.

"Why are you still mad at yourself over this?" Itachi sighed as he spoke, and I looked at him, he had his eyes closed, like he had no clue what to do with me anymore, which he probably didn't.

"Because I'm the one who let our baby die…"

"No, you didn't let him die."

"I did too."

"No, you-"

"Just stop!" I shouted, which probably shocked him a little bit. I've never yelled at Itachi, and I just did… but I don't want him to keep telling me it wasn't my fault, because it was. "It was my fault, ok?! I was carrying him, I was supposed to know he was there, and I didn't! If I had known… I never would've gone on any of the missions I was sent on, and we would be waiting for him to come along! We wouldn't be mourning our baby's death!" I started sobbing again, finally relieved to get all that off my chest.

"Asuna, stop crying."

I shook my head, seriously unable to stop crying. That's all I wanted to do was cry it out, because, although I was relieved, I was also still upset. I didn't fight it when Itachi pulled me into a hug, like all those other times he's done it. I just kept sobbing, not saying a word.

"Asuna, if I had known, I would've protected you a lot better than I have been. Not just because you were pregnant, but because we were about to have a family. I'm just as broken as you about this, please stop blaming yourself."

And this is where I start sobbing even more than before. Itachi was starting to blame himself, but, really, neither of us needed to take the blame. We didn't know… we didn't know he was going to be born…

"Yuki…"

"What?"

I sat up, wiped my tears away, and smiled at Itachi. "His name. It should've been Yuki, because he was going to be born in the winter, when it usually snows here."

Itachi stared at me for a minute, before he nodded.

"Yuki it is then."

I started crying again, but he caught my tears quicker than they could fall, putting both his hands on either side of my face and wiping them away. "I love you Itachi…"

"I love you too, Asuna."

END CHAPTER 11