Authors Notes:

Lots of thanks to my two amazing betas CXC and xrxdanixrx. You girls seriously rock my face off. Also, thanks to SunKing for being the best Twilighted validation beta around.

To Holly_1980, there aren't enough words to describe your awesomeness. I flove you dearly. *Muah*

SM owns Twilight. I just have fun playing with her characters.

Chapter 11 (Explanations)

Darkness. I was completely surrounded by it, swallowed up and lost in it. Nothing seemed real. I didn't feel real. I was hollow, empty, a shell of the person I once was, or, at least, thought I was. Nothing mattered anymore. Not me. Not the people or things around me. I was dead inside, numb almost. I didn't want to feel, so I shut myself off; from my family, my friends, and the world. He was gone and he wasn't coming back. He left me, without a single word, and with him, he took my heart.

I didn't even remember how I got home after talking to Alice that day in school. Everything just went blank. My life went blank. I remember waking up in my bed, not knowing how I'd gotten there or even how long I'd been there. My throat was dry and sore and my eyes were swollen and practically matted shut. I had cried, more than I'd ever cried before in my life, but there was nothing left. No tears left to cry, no heart left to break, no emotion left to feel. It was all gone… with him.

Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. There was nothing. I closed myself off from everything and everyone, locking myself in the prison of my mind. My brain was on a constant replay of everything that Edward and I had done, remembering everything that he'd ever said. I kept telling myself that he was real, that what I felt for him was real, but he was slipping away. As time progressed, he was fading, I was fading. I was alive, but I wasn't living. There was no point. He took it all away when he left.

My family and friends were worried about me. I knew that, but even though the knowledge of it registered with me, I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it. I couldn't make myself care because, truth be told, I didn't. I couldn't care about myself, let alone anyone else. I just wanted to be void of emotion. If I closed myself off, I was okay. I didn't have to think about Edward, didn't have to remember what I'd lost, and didn't have to feel the physical pain I felt from his absence.

So, shutting myself off was what I did. It was best that way. I didn't have to deal with the sadness, hurt and pain. I could just exist, go through the motions, and no one else would have to suffer. I thought that I'd put up a good front and that everyone was accepting. I was on autopilot and believed that life around me was continuing on as normal. That was until I got his letter.

~xxx~

Dear Bella,

By now you know that I'm not going to be there senior year. I'm at an all boys' boarding school, trying to get my shit together. It's hard being away, but it's something I had to do.

I really miss home and I miss you. I'm sure that's probably pretty hard for you to believe, but it's true. I know that I left without saying goodbye and it kills me to think that I hurt you. It was never my intention to do that.

I'm worried about you. Alice tells me that you're not yourself. She said that you don't eat, you don't sleep, and you don't talk to anyone. You can be mad at me; I deserve it, but please don't make yourself sick or cut your friends out of your life. They care about you. I care about you. I want you to be happy. I know I don't really have a say in what you do, but I hope that you at least think about what I'm asking. I really do miss you and our talks and would love it if you wrote back. Please?

Thinking of you,

Edward

I couldn't believe that he'd written. I didn't know what to think. Why did he bother? Hadn't he done enough already? Was he looking for some kind of forgiveness? I hated this. I hated feeling, and by sending me a letter, he brought it all back up, opened the wounds so they could bleed out, leaving me weak, once again. I was okay as long as I didn't feel. Why did he have to do this to me? Why did he have this control? I didn't want to write back. I wanted to be strong and make him suffer, not giving him the courtesy of a reply. After all, he'd left me without much regard, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't let it go. So, I wrote back.

Edward,

I honestly don't even know why I'm responding to you. You're right. You don't have a say in anything about me anymore. You lost that right when you left without as much as a "fuck off". I was such an idiot to ever believe you thought I was special. Well, you got me! Joke's on Bella. Thanks for finally showing me the real you. You could have saved us all this time and trouble, though, by being honest with me. I mean, do you just get off on breaking unsuspecting girls' hearts? What did I ever do to you besides try to care for you? I totally opened myself up to you. I thought that you had done the same. I was wrong, though… about everything.

I think you've done enough, Edward. There's no need to "worry" about me, as you say, if that were even possible. If you had cared enough about me to start with, we wouldn't be in this situation. I won't cut Alice out of my life. Unlike you, I don't do that to the people that matter to me. I'm sorry you miss home, but don't put me in that group. I really wish you the best, Edward, but I have nothing else to say to you.

Bella

I don't know if I was thinking that he would let it go, or that I wanted him to, but I'd said my piece and found my resolve. I'd let him know that it wasn't okay. I got to tell him that he didn't get to miss me or care about me anymore, because he walked away, and I was done. I made up my mind that I was done feeling sorry for myself. I was done wallowing in despair. I was angry now, and with the anger came courage; courage to move on and reclaim my life. It still hurt, and I still felt like a huge chunk of myself was missing, but I mattered. Regardless of the mistakes either of us had made, he was wrong for leaving the way he did. I didn't deserve that, and I wasn't going to sit and let life pass me by anymore.

I wasn't completely over everything, but I was making an effort, at least. I was talking to my friends again and had even made some plans to do stuff with them. I suppose I thought that Edward had gotten the message and thought better of contacting me again, but then another letter came.

Dear Bella,

I hope that you haven't thrown this away and you are actually reading it. While I wasn't overjoyed at the content of your last letter, I was, at least, happy that you replied. I know that it's more than I deserve. You deserve so much, Bella. You're an amazing girl and I'm so terribly sorry for what I did. I want to explain everything to you. You deserve to know the truth. I've wanted to tell you for a while now, but I've been scared. I fucked up, as usual. It's what I do best. I don't want to tell you in a letter, though. I want to talk to you. I need to talk to you. I'd give anything to see you, but I'm 300 miles away. I can call you if you'll talk to me, though. I'm not expecting you to forgive me or for things to change between us, but I would like to explain. I just need you to pick up the phone and hear me out. I have free time on the weekends. I'll try to call you on Sunday evening. Please pick up and hear me out.

Yours,

Edward

Seriously, fuck my life!

~xxx~

Sunday, November 15, 1992

"Bella, Edward is on the phone," my mom called to me from the kitchen.

"Tell him I'm not here."

"Too late, I already told him that you are."

"Ugh! I don't want to talk to him, Mom."

"Bella, just get on the phone; hear him out. You've been moping around like a sick puppy for far too long as it is. Just listen to what he has to say. You won't have to talk to him ever again after that, if you don't want to."

I rolled my eyes and sighed.

"Here," my mom said, handing me the cordless phone.

"Hello," I said into the receiver, ascending the stairs to my room.

"Hello… Hi… Um, Bella? It's Edward." He sounded unsure of himself.

"I know that, Edward."

"Oh, okay. How are you?"

"Let's not make with all the niceties and small talk. You said you wanted to explain some things. Go ahead so we can get this over with."

"Okay, umm… where to start. I guess it kind of leads back to my childhood. As you know, I was adopted. I know that I told you I was okay with everything and that I was lucky to have my family. For the most part, that's true. But, I haven't always felt like I belonged. Don't get me wrong, I know that my family loves me. My parents are great, like I said, but I'm never going to live up to their expectations. I mean, Carlisle is a doctor and Esme is like a saint. There's no way I'm ever going to live up to that. Jesus, I'm lucky if I pull a C in most of my classes. I just haven't always felt like I was the same as them, or like I was whole, and I'm always anticipating their disappointment. Does that make sense?"

"What does that have to do with me, Edward?" I asked, entering my room and closing the door.

"I'll get to that. Just… please hear me out."

"Go on." I lay across my bed, on my stomach, grabbing my pillow and hugging it to me for support.

"So, anyway, I've always been close with my friends. They've filled a void in a weird sort of way. I know that I'm a part of them and they accept me with no expectations. With my friends, I never have to worry about getting good grades or doing my best. I can just be me. Then, the whole thing with Royce messed me up, too. I didn't want to lose another person in my life. I'd already lost my parents. I wanted to help him, be a good friend to him, ya know? Instead, everything just got worse."

"I'm sorry that your friend had to move away and I'm sorry about your parents, but you aren't really telling me anything new, Edward. And I still don't see what this has to do with me."

"I know. There's more. I'm getting to it, I promise," he assured me.

"Okay, I'll wait," I replied hastily.

"So, there's something else; something I haven't told anyone… Well, other than my parents.

"Not even Royce?" I asked, surprised that he had held back sharing whatever he was going to tell me from everyone else.

"No. Not Royce. Not Alice. No one, other than you, right now, Bella."

I had to admit, I was intrigued. "What is it?"

"Several months before you came to school, I was dating a girl, and I use that term loosely. Her name was Lauren. It was a very casual thing; she wasn't like my girlfriend or anything. We would just get fucked up at parties and hook up. I never told her that I wanted more and I thought she was cool with the arrangement, but it turned out I was wrong."

"And?" I urged him to continue.

"And, she wanted more. She started getting very clingy and started telling people at school we were a couple. When I found out, I told her to fuck off. I know it was a prick thing to do, but I didn't like her. Not enough to be in a relationship with her. It was just a physical thing."

"So?"

"So, she started acting crazy. She followed me around school, she drove by my house, she called incessantly, and she threatened any girl that I talked to. It got out of control. But then, she came to me and said she was pregnant."

"Wait, what?" I asked, completely in shock at his confession.

"Yeah, those were pretty much my thoughts and words, at the time."

"So, she got pregnant and you're the father?"

"Yes… No, wait! Let me finish. She told me she was and she said I was the father and that I was the only one she'd slept with. She said that she was going to keep it. I couldn't tell her not to. I couldn't tell her to abort it because that didn't seem right, and I couldn't tell her to have it and give it away because I know how it is to feel like you're missing a part of yourself. I was freaking out, Bella. So, I finally had to tell my parents."

"So, you're a dad? Is that the baby you were holding in the picture I saw at your house?"

"Wait, what? What picture?"

"The picture of you holding a baby; I saw it at your house. It was one of the pictures framed in your living room. You were smiling down at him. I wanted to ask you about it, but I don't know. So many things happened and I guess I didn't get the chance."

"Oh my God, no! No, I'm not a father, and that baby is definitely not mine. That was my cousin's baby. We all went to visit after he was born. My mom snapped the picture of us because I was the only one he'd let hold him without crying. He is the first and only baby I've ever held, actually. You've been thinking he was mine?"

"I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised with anything at this point."

"I guess I can understand why," he replied sadly. "It turned out that Lauren was lying. She made the whole story up just so I would stay with her. She thought that it would make me want to be in a relationship with her. It didn't. I told her that I would be there for the baby, but that I didn't want her, that it didn't change anything. The truth ended up coming out shortly after. She kept the charade going for a few months, but once our parents got involved, and there were doctor appointments, she had to tell the truth."

"My God, Edward, that's insane. I'm really sorry. I don't know what else to say. Are you sad?"

"You know, it probably sounds crazy, but I was a little. I was a lot of things, actually. I'm not sad anymore, though. Not about that, at least. I've had time to process it all and now I'm just angry, and trying really hard not to be, since the anger is part of what brought me here. I suppose I'm relieved, too. I'm definitely not ready to be a dad, but it seriously fucked with my head."

"I can't even imagine. It would be a lot to take on."

"Yeah, it was, but that brings me to you."

"Me?" I asked, confused.

"Yes. Baby, I fucked everything up and it was the last thing I wanted to do. You were nothing but amazing to me and I freaked out. I'd never cared about anyone the way I cared about you."

"Then why did you push me away? I didn't want to hurt you."

"Because I was scared. You were right. I keep people at a distance. It keeps me safe that way. I put walls up. I don't let them in and I don't get hurt. But you… you broke down the walls so easily. I couldn't keep you out, even when I tried to. It scared the hell out of me."

"Why didn't you talk to me? Didn't you think that I was scared? It was all new to me, too?"

"I wanted to. I really did, but I didn't know how."

"You were always telling me to come to you if something was bothering me. How could you not follow your own advice? Is that why you didn't want to sleep with me, because of what happened with Lauren?"

"Yes, partly. I was really fucked in the head after that. I was kind of paranoid. That shit freaked me out and I was afraid of messing up for real. That, and you deserve the best, B. You're so special and your first time should be with someone who deserves the gift you'll be giving them. I know that probably sounds ridiculous and old fashioned coming from me, but I would tell my sister the same thing. I didn't feel very deserving of it or of you."

"So, if you didn't feel deserving, you really didn't want me, then?"

"No! That's not what I mean at all. I wanted you in the worst possible way. I tried to show you how much the night we spent together in my room. Do you have any idea how hard it was to turn you down, over and over? You were very persistent," he said with a chuckle.

I started to laugh. "Yeah, I guess when I get something in my mind, I can be very stubborn."

"Oh, you think?" he teased. "All kidding aside, I did want you. I just really wanted to try and do the right thing for once. It's been a problem that's plagued me for a while. I know that I still ended up fucking everything up, but I hope you can try to appreciate my intentions. It was never to hurt you."

"I just wish that you would have talked to me about this, then. Things may have worked out differently."

"I know. I'm sorry… for everything, but I think I needed to be away from there, and from everyone, to figure shit out. A very wise girl told me I needed to get myself together, so that's what I'm trying to do." I could almost see the smile that I was sure was on his face as he said that last part.

"So, have you figured everything out? Are you coming back home?" I asked.

"I want to say yes, but I'm not ready," he said dejectedly. "I've had a lot of time to think about things, and while I've come to realize that I didn't treat a lot of people fairly, especially you, I've still got some shit to work through."

"How long?"

"I don't know. Until it feels right," he replied.

"Why are you calling to tell me all of this now?"

"Because Alice is worried about you; she said that you haven't been yourself, and because I care about you, a lot. I never lied about that."

"You left, Edward, without a word. No explanation, no fuck off, no goodbye, just nothing. You were gone and it killed me. I had to find out from Alice when you didn't show up at school."

"I know, and if I could take it back, I would. You have to know that."

"You can't, though. What's done is done. I'm glad that you finally told me the truth, but it doesn't really change anything."

"I know that you must really hate me, but – "

"No! That's the problem, Edward," I interrupted, "I don't! I should, and I really want to, but I don't. You have no idea what I think or what I feel. You obviously never did or you wouldn't have left. Not the way you did, at least. God, I would have done anything for you. Anything. And you threw it all away. You threw me away. I know you've been through a lot, probably more than I even understand, but you didn't give me the chance to even try to. You just pushed me away and it made me feel worthless."

"You're not worthless, Bella."

"I know that, Edward, now. I've learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. I've learned that I would never give up on someone that I care about, not ever. I would never want to make someone feel the way I felt when you left."

"What can I do, B? What can I do to make this right? Will you ever forgive me?" he asked with urgency.

I sighed. "I honestly don't know, Edward. I mean, why does it really matter? You've already moved on and you're starting a new life, anyway."

"I haven't moved on. I'm just trying to get my head straight and my life on track. That makes sense, right?"

"It makes sense, but I don't see how I fit into the equation."

"I miss you so fucking much that it hurts. I know that I didn't treat you fairly and I need you to forgive me."

"Why, though? So your conscience can be at ease? So you can move on? You have my blessing, if that's what this is about. Move on. Find someone who can be enough for you. I obviously wasn't."

"Fuck!" he yelled away from the phone and I imagined him pulling his hair. "That's not what I mean." He sighed heavily into the receiver.

"What do you mean, then? Just say it, whatever it is. I'm tired of playing games."

"I don't know. I know that I shouldn't expect much after everything that's happened, and I'm three hundred miles away, but I don't want to lose you from my life."

"How can you say that? Everything you've done so far has pretty much ensured that that's what would happen. You've pushed and pushed, Edward. What did you expect?"

"I know it seems crazy, but it's true. You matter to me, more than just about anyone."

"So, what are you asking?"

"I won't ask you to wait for me because that wouldn't be fair, but can we keep in touch? I can write to you… and call, if you're okay with it."

"And do what, be friends?" I asked him.

"If that's what you want, then yes," he replied.

"I can't promise you anything, Edward. I'm still not okay with everything. I would be lying to you if I said I was or that it doesn't still hurt."

"I know. I don't expect anything. I just really want to try and earn your trust again, and show you that I really do care. Will you let me?"

"You'll write to me?" I asked.

"Yes, and I'll call when I can. Please?"

"Fine, but this doesn't mean everything is better; and it doesn't make us friends," I explained.

"I know, but I can hope," he said softly.

"Edward, I have to go. I need to help my mom with some stuff and I have a lot of homework to do."

"Oh, yeah… okay. I'll let you go then, for now. I promise I'll write you soon.

"Don't make me promises."

"Right, of course. Well, I hope to talk to you soon, then. Can I say that?"

"Sure. Soon."

"Okay, well take care of yourself."

"Yeah, you, too," I replied sadly.

"Alright, then. Goodnight, Bella.

"Goodbye, Edward."

Chapter End Notes:

Next up, Edward's POV. Oh, and they'll be in their twenties! Yup, you read that right. Let me know what you guys are thinking. Reviews make me happy and get the writing vibes flowing, so show me some love.

Also, I wrote a o/s for the Camp Twilight contest. The entry is on my Fanfiction profile. I'm so excited. The winners will be announced this Saturday. My submission was called The Best Summer Ever. It's fluffy and funny and very different from ALBtY. I hope you guys will check it out.

I'm on Twitter. Look me up. I'm Dinx219.

Teasers can be found on the blog. www (dot) notinforks (dot) blogspot (dot) com/

I'll see you guys soon! *Smooches*