Beauty and the Beast
Chapter 10 – The Man Within The Beast

"I'm still here, aren't I?"

Sirius could still hear those words echoing around the room. It was too much, he needed to get away. "Molly," he called for the matron who came bustling out. She stopped short at the sight of Sirius by himself looking miserable as ever. Confusion and what was likely disappointment clearly showed on her face and Sirius sighed, he was disappointing everyone today. "I'm going to bed now, I don't feel well. Thank you for dinner."

"Of course dear, you go ahead. I'll check on you later," Molly nodded and Sirius left. Mrs. Weasley was a smart woman, she'd probably already deduced what had happened but he couldn't bear to listen to her stricture at the moment. He dragged his feet, unwillingly recalling all those moments he tried to so hard to forget.

14 years previously…

"Sirius mate, I don't see why you won't at least try." James raked his hair. "Just talk to Marlene or perhaps-"

"Perhaps what?" Sirius snapped. "Set up a dating service? Hope that we'll just randomly happen on true love? It doesn't work like that besides any woman I meet I'll feel like using them just to break this curse."

"Maybe we'll find a woman who WANTS to help you break this curse. If she truly loves you, she'd want to see you cured. She'd want what's best for you."

"What about if I truly love her? Wouldn't I want what's best for her?"

James looked him, "What do you mean?"

"I mean if I were to love a woman, I don't want to her deal with this," he gestured to himself, "for the rest of her life. We're not guaranteed that this whole true love spell-breaker will work. The last thing I need is to feel like I'm dragging some innocent bystander down with me in the hope that maybe I'll get better. If not, she's stuck loving an unlovable creature. I can't take her beyond the Manor, I'm essentially useless from sunrise to sunset. I can't bring myself to love someone James, not like this."

Present…

Sirius made it to his room and firmly shut the door behind him. The place was dark and cold with the curtains open to the moonless night and no fire going. Sirius crossed over to the mantle and gently picked up his wand. He carefully waved it and flames sprung from the fireplace. That done, he made his way to a decanter of firewhiskey he kept on a small table with a glass. He filled it to the brim and gulped the whole glassful down in one go. He closed his eyes as the burn of the alcohol scorched his throat and stomach and it felt like he could breathe easier. Unbidden, riding the air from his lungs, he breathed out, "Hermione…"

When she had first arrived, he thought very little of her staying with him as long as she kept out his way. He had been amused that she slashed who he only assumed was his dear cousin Bella and thought that alone was enough to warrant a place in his home. That was until he met her. It all happened so quickly. When Albus told her she was going to stay here for a while her face had fallen ever so slightly. As someone who could relate, he felt a small spark of sympathy for the girl. Her only response had been a deep breath and just like that, he could add respect to the list. He asked her about the attack to be sure it had been Bellatrix and it most likely was. The way she asked him to call her by her name…there was something about her. He came away from the brief meeting actually liking Hermione besides, it'd be nice to have some fresh company around.

That evening he'd been on his way down for dinner when he saw her again. He was about to enter the cross chamber when he looked up and stopped dead in his tracks. Dear gods, she was a vision in red. He couldn't tear his eyes away from her and for a second he saw himself, his human-self, going to meet her, kissing her hand and linking arms to escort her to the main hall. The desire to be a man again ripped at his soul, he hadn't felt that way in so long. He intended to wait until she left but it was obvious she had no idea where to go. He steeled himself and went out to help. He tried his best to avoid looking at her or touching her, brushing this off as a temporary weakness but then she had to go and trip on those damn stairs. He caught her by the upper arm and the warmth of that single touch sang through Sirius. What the hell was wrong with him? He'd only met her a few hours ago, his heart should not be pounding and he definitely should not be enjoying, almost revelling, in her touch. He barely listened to the introductions even as his friends would took shots at him, he managed to spin the banter to cover himself and end his torment for the moment.

At dinner, he listened intently as Hermione chatted with Harry, Ron, and Ginny. Then Remus broke in and he had the opportunity to talk to her. She was young and incredibly intelligent but Tonks cut in and he got caught up with her until he felt that telltale pang in his shoulder where the curse hit all those years ago. He left immediately, above all else, not wanting to see Hermione's expression. He tried to contain the screams as long as he could before the transformation became too much. Once it was all over, he couldn't help but wonder what Hermione was thinking at that moment. It was too much to hope that she hadn't heard anything. He'd stared at his reflection in the window pane for a long time. One good thing about his houseguest was that she'd never seen this face and she never would. This wasn't him anymore, this was a mockery.

The next day Molly came in with breakfast and he gave her the keys to give to Hermione. He initially intended to stay in his room but curiosity took over. He genuinely wanted to know Hermione thought of the place. It was stupid really but he ate his food quickly and waited out near the corridor. Molly walked past and sometime later Hermione appeared. He hid a laugh at the dress. If only the witch knew how cheeky that was to him especially thinking about his mother's reaction. For some reason, she stared at the hall leading to his wing, he thought perhaps she'd seen him but then she left. He Disillusioned himself and went after her. He moved quickly and quietly until he heard the opening and closing of doors. He found Hermione in one of the parlours and watched from the open door while she beamed at the room, taking in every detail before moving on. It didn't take long for his mind to conjure up images of giving her a tour personally, as real man of course. With every new room, he thought about the stories he could tell her until they got to the Solarium. Little did she know but he had had his first kiss here when he was thirteen during one of those socialite parties his parents liked to hold. He fancied the idea that she might be a little jealous. He'd offer to set the record straight and sweep her into his arms to kiss her there and then. The mere thought of kissing Hermione had him reeling, not sure how his mind travelled down such dangerous territory but he snapped himself out of it. He didn't have hands to hold her or even real lips to kiss her. He was an animal at best, there was nothing truly human about him. He left her there, dejectedly returning to his bedroom with self-loathing coursing through his veins.

Dinner came and she was still in that dress to his amusement. She might've thought it offended him but to contrary, he loved it more than the original. Of course he couldn't say that. He didn't hold back the snort when she made that comment about finding love but again he didn't dare reveal Albus's brilliant idea of a cure. She obviously had something she wanted to say but rather spoke about the library. She asked if he read, forcing him to remind her that his hands were in no condition to be touching books. Her face held a peculiar expression and he hid them under the table as if they could be forgotten. He allowed her to ask whatever was on her mind and she asked about his wellbeing. What's more, there wasn't a trace of pity, just pure humanity and compassion. He thought he'd been saved from answering but she tenderly held his arm and asked again if he was alright. His blood sang once more and even though he wasn't in pain, he was far from alright. They ate for a while until she felt comfortable to broach the subject of her research and needing ingredients. They shared a couple of laughs over his ridiculous family and the warmth on her face as she regarded him made his heart swell. She thanked him for her letting stay and he caved in to the urge to touch her. He couldn't deny being captivated by her. Maybe if he was careful he could cup her cheek, bring her closer - then his shoulder brought him back to reality like a harsh slap. He couldn't look at her and would have run from there until she stopped him. That kiss, dear Merlin that kiss! It haunted him all the way to his room. Her soft lips brushing against his skin. Just hours previously, he'd wondered what she'd feel like and now he knew. Except instead of euphoria, he felt disgusting. For wanting her. For desiring her. She was everything he wasn't. How dare he even entertain the idea of being anything more than an acquaintance? Things had already gone too far, he needed to put a stop to this. There was no place for him in Hermione's life and he couldn't keep her in his. He had to let her go. Sirius Black sat on the floor under his window, his human limbs a bigger farce than they had ever been. He knew what he was going to do and hated the very thought of it. "I'm so sorry Hermione," he brokenly whispered in the darkness.

Truthfully he had hoped that they would not see each other until the evening but he couldn't stay shut up in his room with so much weighing on him. He'd intended to go walk in the garden when his cloak caught under his foot and he fell straight down the stairs, jerking his leg in the process. He heard footsteps but whatever hope that it was Molly was dashed the moment Hermione's voice rang clear across the chamber. She was only trying to help him but he forced himself to be cold leading him to yell at her. That face, the one that had had so much warmth and affection for him yesterday, was crushed and hurt. Of course her intelligence won out and she saw through his act. If you wanted me to stay out, you should never let me in.

"I know," he said then and repeated now in the silence of his room. He glimpsed his reflection in the window pane but all he saw was Hermione's face, moments away from crying as she ran away from him at the staircase. "This is your fault," he blamed the reflection. He flung his glass at the window and it shattered. Inside, he felt trapped, like his very soul was fruitlessly bashing itself against impenetrable walls of flesh and bone. He wanted to be himself again and of course, that damn shoulder signalled that he would be getting his wish…somewhat. He upended the table and roared in defiance of being caught in this endless loop. The pain began to take over but this time he welcomed it, relished it, anything but to feel the anguish gripping his very core. He fell to the ground on all fours and watched his hands slowly shift, the shadow of his body shrunk and the millions of pin pricks across skin marked the disappearance of his fur. His natural hair hung around his head as he dragged in several deep breaths. He stood up and his body ached to go lie down on the soft bed but he resisted. He cut his eyes to the window pane where his now human face glared back. "This is the closest I'll ever be to being a man. Hermione deserves better but I can still give her something."

A/N: Hey guys, it's my birthday and…I'm depressed now. I knew that the Sirius was going to be emotional but I wasn't expecting quite so much angst. I really hope you guys liked, this is my first time really tackling a complex character like this. Let me know what you think in the reviews and don't forget to check out the other stories while you're at it. P.S. I've been considering a Twitter Q&A, I haven't really done much for fanfiction on there and I started it for you guys. Give me your opinion and we'll see if we can't pull something together. Until next time, ENJOY! R&R PLZ!