The story thus far: After being advised not to make close friends at school, Remus and his dorm mates get off to a rocky start. Remus makes a friend in Lily, and they present a united front when it comes to Sirius and James. Remus has decided that it is due time for some payback in the form of his own prank.
Warnings: Slash, eventual RLSB
Disclaimers: Don't own it.
Notes: Thanks to Slasharific for the beautiful imagery of James in oven mitts and an apron. Thanks to the betas! And thanks to everyone for being patient. Darn that real life for getting in the way of the all important fan fiction.
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The Worst Year Yet
By Rekahneko
Chapter 11 – Fifth Year – A Helping Hand or Two
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Carefully stirring a boiling hot potion, Sirius basked in the moment. He and his two best friends (well, his best friend and lackey anyhow) were surrounded by his very favorite thing in the world, prank materials. Cauldrons and vials of strange looking liquids littered the various surfaces in the large storage area they had long ago dubbed the 'Secret Potions Lab.' The smell was a bit off, but one couldn't expect everything to be perfect all the time. Though perhaps there was some sort of spell to clean the air. Sirius turned to ask his fellow pranksters and had to stop and gape.
"What in Merlin are you wearing, James?"
"Protective gear. I don't want to get damaged by the hot cauldron or the potion."
Sirius solemnly leaned towards his friend, speaking in a hushed, secretive voice. "I hate to tell you this, but you have on a lime green apron with ruffles. And oven mitts. Did I mention ruffles?"
"Hey, I learned these charms from my mum. What do you expect?"
Shaking his head, Sirius sighed theatrically. "James, some day you'll make Evans a great wife."
James just grinned and waved his flower printed oven mitts. "Whatever it takes!"
"Pass me some powdered unicorn horn, Sirius," asked Peter, interrupting the banter.
"How do you suppose they find and kill all those unicorns for the ingredient," Sirius wondered as he searched his belongings for the missing part of the potion.
"No one would ever kill something as pure as a unicorn," gasped Peter.
Sirius gave him a disgusted look. "And how do think they get powdered unicorn horn, then?"
"I'm sure only when one dies in an accident," Peter defended, staunchly.
"Yeah, like when, accidentally, a unicorn falls down a flight of stairs and lands on some crossbow bolts," Sirius scoffed.
James snickered from his end of the potions table while Peter scowled.
"Who wants to dice these?" James pointed and wrinkled his nose at the slimy flobberworm larva piled on the table.
Wiping an imaginary tear from his eye, Sirius sniffed. "It's just so beautiful. This prank has everything. Adventure, romance, flobberworms… All you could ask for, really."
"Sirius, you're so right. How could life be any better?" James posed dramatically, oven mitts clasped over his heart.
"The only thing remaining to make my life complete… would be for Peter to be the one who dices the worms." Sirius beamed while Peter tried to think of a way to get out of the messy job.
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Meanwhile, in a study alcove across the castle, Remus and Lily were hard at work on their own prank.
"So what kinds of things, exactly, are we going to have written on the boys' robes?"
"Whatever we want, I guess, as long as it makes people laugh."
"Such as…"
"We could always stick with something classic. For instance, picture this on the back of their robes," Remus paused to spread his hands out theatrically. "I saw the sign, Diagon Alley, Left, and I went home, disappointed."
Lily chuckled at the well worn joke.
"It's pretty overused, but I figure if we just write down everything we come up with, we can always pare the list down later." He turned to Lily with a grin. "So what have you got?"
"I can probably come up with a few good ones, but some might be too muggle. Though you're correct; we can decide when we're ready to actually use them."
"Well, here is my list so far." After tapping it with his wand and saying the password, Remus handed a carefully written piece of paper over to Lily.
Scanning the parchment, Lily began to grin. "I like this one. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. Perfect for Sirius!"
Wrinkling his nose, Remus interjected, "Speaking of which, did you hear he got together with Romilda Edgecombe?"
"Does two days really count though?"
Remus shrugged. "I had a jumper once just like her."
"How so?"
"Looked nice, but it was scratchy and gave me a rash."
"Ouch!" Lily grinned.
Remus smiled angelically.
"I'm surprised at you. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were jealous."
"Hmph," replied Remus, not denying the claim. "No one's perfect."
"And she is certainly not an exception to that rule," he added under his breath as Lily continued reading the parchment.
"Too bad you are dead set against getting together with him."
Remus just sighed.
"You know," Lily said, finally handing the list back to Remus, "I think I may have a few for you to add."
Remus nodded and grabbed his quill, glad to be off the subject of Sirius and dating.
"What about this one? If I were any more stupid, I'd have to be watered twice a week."
Laughing, Remus found a spot on his parchment. "Let me just jot it down before I forget."
As he was writing, still chuckling, Lily added, "Can't you just see that on their backs during Herbology or something?"
Remus paused and thought a moment. "I bet we could get the timing to work out if we tried hard enough…"
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Remus looked up when the common room door opened. Seeing Sirius and James enter, he quickly looked down at his shirt, picking at an imaginary piece of lint.
"Still trying to ignore him, hoping that he will stop all the obnoxiousness?" Lily was obviously trying to sound sympathetic but her amusement shone through.
Huffing slightly, Remus nodded shortly. His actions were met with a smile from his friend.
"So how is that tactic working for you?" she queried.
Remus grinned ruefully and shook his head. "Less and less effective every month it seems."
Lily rolled her eyes. "Listen, I need to run upstairs quickly and get more ink from my room. I'll meet you at the table by the fire and we can go through the charms homework, okay?"
Nodding his agreement, Remus hitched his bag over his shoulder and started to make his way over to the other side of the busy Gryffindor common room. After deftly avoiding a pack of giggling girls and stopping to help out a first year with a homework question, Remus finally saw a clear path to his destination. Until his way was blocked by one of his obnoxious roommates…
"Hey, Lupin. What do you think of the new Quidditch T-Shirts?"
Sirius and fellow team member James were sporting bright yellow shirts featuring an animated picture of a crimson garbed player getting on and off a broom. The figure had suspiciously messy black hair and wire framed glasses. Below, in bold script, was the phrase, "Gryffindor Quidditch: Put the fun between your legs."
Remus wasn't sure if he should laugh or groan. Sirius was smirking and puffing his chest out, enjoying the attention. Glancing back down at the shirt, Remus wondered why he ever thought ignoring Sirius Black and James Potter was even possible.
"Pretty great slogan, don't you think?"
Shaking his head, Remus walked around the two boys without a reply and joined his friend Lily by the fireplace. "Sometimes I wonder about those two," he complained.
"At least they seem to like obnoxious things written on their clothing," Lily responded with a glint in her eyes.
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It was the evening of the Yule Ball, and three of the five boys from Gryffindor fifth year were sitting together at a small table in the Great Hall, along with Marlene McKinnon and Patricia Ackerly.
"Whoah! Look at that disaster!" Sirius nodded towards a nearby table of younger Hufflepuffs. One of the girls was wearing a bright yellow dress, complete with a hoop skirt and at least thirty oversize bows.
"I'd give it seven out of ten tsunamis," commented James.
"Nah, more like eight hurricanes and half an earthquake."
"You guys are so mean," exclaimed Marlene, who was trying to hide her smile with a reprimand.
"Well, you think of something nice to say about that one over there then," replied Sirius, pointed to his older Slytherin cousin, Bellatrix.
Marlene thought for a while, finally grinning and shaking her head. "It takes a lot of money to look that cheap?"
"Not bad, McKinnon," acknowledged Sirius with an approving nod.
"Hey, where is Evans?" James realized he hadn't seen her yet that evening.
The girl next to him, Patricia Ackerly, turned with a flirty smile. "She said she was off to the library with her date, and might be late."
Simultaneously, Sirius piped up, "With Lupin?" and James exclaimed, "During a feast?"
Patricia nodded and scoffed slightly. "She said it would be empty there and they needed to work on some project or other."
"If I wasn't so certain that she and Lupin were only friends, I would wonder what they were really up to in a deserted library on a Friday night," Sirius muttered to his best friend.
"It's so cute that you're always pining over her," Patricia continued, winking at James.
James turned a bit pink and stuffed a piece of potato in his mouth.
"Oh my Merlin!" Sirius shook his head in amazement. "You're blushing! The great, ultra-laid back, nothing ever bothers me, James Potter, is embarrassed! I never thought I'd see the day."
"Be quiet," he muttered. "Hey, is that dessert?"
Immediately, Sirius' head whipped around frantically.
James chuckled, adding, "Guess not. It'll probably be another five minutes."
"Berk."
"What's so special about dessert? Is it really good?" Patricia looked less interested in the dessert than in James.
"The best," responded Sirius with a mischievous grin.
Peter whispered to James, "Why are we waiting for dessert again?"
After checking to make certain no one was listening, James replied, "Dessert is served thirty minutes after the meal starts, and that is about how long the potion should take to go into effect."
"Are you sure our antidote will work?"
"It was more of a vaccination, actually. As for its effectiveness, how much do you know about unstable bases in charged magical fields?"
"Not much."
"Then yes, it will work."
Peter grimaced, not particularly comforted by his friend's assurances.
It was right then that a gasp was heard from the table next to them, followed by a loud shriek.
"Here we go," Sirius whispered, delighted.
The ripping of fabric accompanied the started yell as the girl's orange ruffled dress was torn in the back to accommodate an extra, slime-coated limb.
Lips pressed tightly together, Professor McGonagall began to make her way from the staff table toward where the student was making a racket. When she was only partway to her destination, another bellow came from the other side of the room, this time from a young man with an extra hand sprouting from his head.
In no time the room was filling with yelling and general chaos, panic enveloping all the students except for three young men, who for some strange reason, were laughing hysterically.
Over at the Slytherin table, one dark haired young man was desperately trying to calm a panicking blond. Slime was oozing out of the blonde's shoulder where extra toes had suddenly sprouted. From the shrieking, Sirius could only assume that the unsightly glop was entirely the wrong shade to go with the expensive and now ruined dress robes. As the toes developed into a full grown leg, Lucius turned to run out of the hall, accidentally kicking Severus in the face with his new limb.
"Snape is the gift that keeps on giving," Sirius remarked to his friends through his laughter.
Suddenly, the Head Boy, Evan Rosier, stormed up to their table. "Potter, Black, I'm going to murder you!" Peter scooted away from them on the bench, hoping that suddenly everyone would forget he was friends with the two pranksters.
The two girls at the table stopped yelling for a moment to stare in horror at their table mates. "This was you?" Marlene cried out, nearly tripping over her extra arm.
Patricia took only a moment before her surprised expression changed to one of anger. Sirius was left with a red handprint on the side of his face.
"That joke was clearly not for everyone," James muttered, his chuckles dying as more people noticed who was being pegged for the prank. For some reason, no one else seemed to think their brilliant plan was funny, and instead, the three roommates were being targeted with angry stares and exclamations.
The boys started edging away from the rest of the banquet, but as they backed away from the unhappy crowd, a hand descended on each of their shoulders. Spinning around, they were met with a freezing stare from a livid Professor McGonagall, backed up by Professor Slughorn. As she spoke, Sirius could swear her words were going to turn into ice.
"I can sum it up in just one word," she stated coldly, "Idiocy, thoughtlessness, stupidity."
"But Minnie, that's three words," Sirius interjected with a grin over Peter's attempt to shush him.
"One for each of you. I'm certain I will have even more words for you three, each and every night during the next few months when you visit me for detention."
Feeling slightly ill, Sirius looked around him, hoping for some respite. He encountered only angry stares and suddenly, all the extra slime coated limbs didn't seem as worth it as they had the day before.
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Journal Entry, January, Fifth Year
Wow, it has been weeks since I wrote in this journal. I suppose that means I have been so busy having an actual life, I had no time write about it. Amazing!
Christmas was wonderful. I invited Lily over for a few days of vacation and we had a lovely time. I think she likes having someone who understands both wizard and muggle life; it seems like all the other students in our year (at least in Gryffindor) are pureblood.
I got a bunch of great gifts. Lily gave me chocolates and a fancy new quill so I don't have to rely on the leaky one Sirius returned as my backup. My parents got me new clothes: some shirts, trousers and robes (oh, the excitement). My grandmother, the muggle one, got me slippers. Again. I have yet to wear any of the pairs but she always seems so delighted with her gift that I never have the heart say anything about it. Ah well. Aunt Clarine gave me a bright green jumper with a big red Santa hat knitted on it, complete with jingle bell attached. She mentioned how nice it would be to see me in it during the next family dinner. Thankfully, Snuffles promptly chewed through one of the sleeves and tore off the bell. And people wonder why I adore the little monster! He is the best pet ever, even though he really does deserve Lily's nickname of 'my furry little problem.'
Strangely, I got one gift by owl without a note attached. It was a small box with a charm in it in the shape of an R. R for Random maybe? Ha. I'm so amusing. I wonder who sent it. Lily thinks it was from Severus, feeling bad about what a complete prat he has been, but I'm not sure. Anyhow, I got a bit of black cord and have been wearing it around my neck. Lily and I checked it for spells first, of course, and it just has a weak sort of safety/healing charm. Whoever sent it really bought into Lily's cover idea of 'Remus as a walking disaster.' Granted, having a reputation as a sickly, accident prone kid covers up for quite a bit, but I have to admit being embarrassed about it sometimes.
Lily and I have been busy planning our prank, and the roommates had been busy doing the same thing. Apparently, their Yule prank went exactly as planned (we were well out of the way and didn't get to see it happen). Now, obviously, everyone is terribly upset at the three of them. They are always so noticeable about their pranks that even when there is no actual proof they did something wrong, one look at their expressions and everyone knows who to blame. Sirius and James seemed so surprised that no one thought it was funny! Considering how smart they are, those two are pretty stupid sometimes.
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"I heard a great one before class today," Lily said conversationally as she plopped her books down on the ground by her friend. They were in Care of Magical Creatures class, and the assignment was to sketch each of the animals inside the various paddocks.
Remus perked up from his drawing.
"You may pretend to dislike me, but deep down, you know you hate me." Lily grinned.
Tapping the paper with his wand, he murmured, "Sirius and James are prats," and the parchment sprang to life, filling with text.
As Remus scratched out the newest addition to their list, Lily watched the boys from across the paddock. Sirius turned to the girl next to him and spoke. Even from a distance, it was obvious that the girl's response was harsh. She proceeded to turn her back and flounce off without a backwards glance.
"Perfect! This kind of reaction will help us with our own prank so much!"
Remus smiled at the idea of their prank going well, but the smile slipped off his face as he noticed the reaction of his roommate to the behavior of the girl. Glancing guiltily over at Sirius' drooping shoulders and downcast face, Remus tried not to feel badly about reveling in the prankster's disgrace.
"Remus," Lily warned. "Don't even."
"What?"
"I saw how you were looking. You were sympathizing!"
"I don't know what you're talking about," he muttered, scuffing his shoe against the ground and trying not to think of sad grey eyes.
"You were feeling badly for him. We aren't backing out, so don't even consider it."
"He just looks so miserable. Maybe we could wait a bit."
"Listen, he'll be over it by tomorrow."
Remus wasn't so sure, but he sighed and refocused on his sketch of the strange creature in front of them.
On the other side of the enclosure, James elbowed Sirius. "Lupin was looking over here. I think he feels sorry for you or something."
"Really?" Sirius brightened immediately. "I can work with that."
When Lily stood up from her place beside Remus to go investigate the next animal they needed to study, Sirius walked over and plopped himself down right where she had been sitting.
"Hey, Lupin?"
Remus' quill stopped moving across his paper and startled amber eyes fastened themselves to the pleading grey ones.
"Can you look over my work? No one else will help me." Sirius tried his best to look forlorn.
"All right." Purposely ignoring the sudden delighted smile on his roommate's face, Remus carefully checked the sheet for errors and missing information. Finding none, he looked up to find Sirius staring at him, a bit too close for comfort.
Clearing his throat, Remus said, "It looks good," and returned the paper.
"Can you go to Hogsmeade with me? No one else will go with me…" Sirius attempted to use the same sad, pathetic look that had gotten him this far.
Remus crossed his arms over his chest and frowned, not saying a word.
"Is that a yes," Sirius asked, hopefully.
Though he tried hard, Remus couldn't help it when the corner of his mouth quirked upward. "It's a no, Black." His stern voice was ruined by his slightly amused expression.
"But I can't go by myself… How about if I just meet you there? Then we aren't really going together, right?"
Remus raised an eyebrow, wondering if Sirius really thought the suggestion would change his mind.
"Okay then. What about if I were there at Hogsmeade, just hanging around, and I happened to run into you, and we were both headed in the same direction. How about that?"
Confused, he replied, "What do you mean, 'how about that?' You aren't making any sense."
"I'm just saying that if I'm there, and I happen to see you there, well then, we're both there. In Hogsmeade. Together. Right?"
Completely baffled, Remus opened his mouth to protest, then shook his head, closing his mouth again. "I'm just going to go over to the other pen and start the next sketch before class ends." Grabbing his bag, he got up and walked quickly over to where Lily was peering over a fence, trying to balance a piece of paper on top of a book.
After Remus made his escape, Sirius bolted over to where James was sitting and threw himself down on the ground.
"Remus almost sort of possibly said maybe," Sirius exclaimed.
James laughed. "Feel better, then?"
"Loads." Sirius smiled.
On the other side of the paddock, Lily elbowed Remus and nodded her head towards the two grinning boys across the way. "Told you he would get over it quickly," she whispered.
Remus worked hard to be exasperated rather than amused at the sudden change in temperament. "Fine, no waiting on the prank."
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Next Time:
It was a bad day. Like many bad days, it started with a morning...