Author's Note: During a trip during the holidays, I injured my back, and I have been either in too much pain to concentrate or too loopy on medication. In any case, I couldn't think clearly enough to write. I hope that you think that this chapter was worth the wait.
Chapter 11 – Dark
I rang in the New Year with the Cullen's minus Carlisle. Like Charlie, he had to work since many people are extremely irresponsible around this particular holiday. Charlie had mixed feelings about my staying at their house. On the one hand, he was glad that I would be somewhere safe. On the other hand, he was afraid that I was lying and secretly dating or possibly having sex with Edward. If he only knew that I was actually dating Carlisle, he would have a heart attack.
I was a little sad that Carlisle had to work, but it wasn't the end of the world. While I was excited about getting to know Carlisle better and someday becoming more physically intimate with him, I wasn't yet willing to be so emotionally tied to him that I felt pain at his absence. I had gone down that path much too quickly with Edward, and I couldn't do that to myself again. With Edward, I had thrown caution to the wind and had paid dearly for it. I fell hard for him, and I was completely devastated when he left me. Even though I had no reason to doubt Carlisle, I was being much more cautious, and guarding my heart. I wasn't quite willing to give it away again. I only wanted to give my heart away once, and I did to Edward, and he trampled it. Since I have pieced it back together, I reticent to give it away again. On top of that, I had changed since Edward left me. I had always been independent, but now, I was even more so. I had let my relationship with Edward define me, and it colored the way I felt and the things I did. Now, though I cared for Carlisle and didn't want him to be hurt, I was my own person. I could and did have fun on my own.
The one thing I regretted the most about this evening was that I couldn't kiss Carlisle at midnight. That being said, I didn't want our first kiss to be because we both felt obligated to uphold tradition. I have never been very big on tradition. I felt that it was stupid to do things just because everyone else did. I thought that people should do things because it was the right choice for them. That's how I vowed to live my life now that I had gotten it back.
I wanted our first kiss to be because we felt intimate with each other. Though I was fairly certain that Carlisle was ready to kiss me, I wasn't quite there yet. Physically, I was there. Carlisle was handsome and wonderful. Emotionally, I wasn't. I couldn't help but feel that if we took that step, I would become emotionally attached to him, and I wasn't sure I could do that to myself yet. I think Carlisle must have sensed my hesitancy about kissing. He never even brought it up. Maybe Jasper had tipped him off. I wasn't sure, but I was grateful.
When school started a few days after the New Year, my finger had finally stopped hurting. After about a day and a half, the pain had lessened and I could allow Carlisle to touch it to examine it. He determined that the pain had nothing to do with any physical injury but kept it splinted to my ring finger just in case. He also begged me to not try that again, and I heartily agreed. After the examination, the pain gradually subsided until it was finally gone the night before school started again.
Carlisle and I tried to get into a routine where we could still see each other and fulfill all of our responsibilities. It was kind of hard with his strange work schedule and all of the art programs that Glenna had given me to look over. Yes, I chose her to be my agent, and yes, she comes over to see Esme more than to see me. That's alright with me, though. I am more than happy that Esme has finally found someone she cares this deeply about.
Glenna is a wonderful agent. She sent me all sorts of information for art programs all over the country, and she didn't ask any questions when I eliminated schools. She just took them away so that I didn't have to keep making the same decision over and over again. She told me that once I had decided against a school, I should just put it out of my mind. Floundering over decisions already made wasted valuable time.
Choosing the right school was a tiresome chore. I would much rather have my hands in some clay. That was better than therapy to me. I had worked out many decisions and frustrations through this method, but this situation was very different. I couldn't just hope that I miraculously started sculpting the name of the best school for me. Believe me. I tried it, and it didn't work.
I wished it had because I had a huge weight on my shoulders. I wasn't just deciding where I was going to go to school. I was also choosing where a whole family would live. I wished I hadn't made such a big deal about deciding my own life, maybe I wouldn't have been so embarrassed to ask for help. As it was, I was stressed about this decision. I had to work on it at the Cullen's house and only when Jasper was there so that he could send me waves of calm so that I could focus enough to think about this enormous decision.
After about a month of torturing myself, on a Thursday, all of the Cullen's and I were all gathered in the living room, just hanging out. I was reading over a few notes I had made about a few different programs, and the others were doing various activities.
"Have you decided where you want to go to college, Bella?" Edward asked me. "We kind of need to plan to go wherever you go… if you want us to go with you."
"That's what's taking so long, Edward." I gave a little frustrated sigh. "I have this huge decision to make that affects everyone, and I feel like it's all on me. Yes, I know it's my fault since I…"
Carlisle cut my little panic off by pulling me into his lap and stroking my face gently. "Ssh, Bella, we didn't mean to put all the pressure on you."
"Bella did that all on her own." Jasper laughed. "Don't you know that she takes everything on herself?"
"Yes, I know that." Carlisle laughed back. "I had been just giving her space because I knew that she didn't like to be pressured."
"But the space has been stressing her." Jasper informed him. "She's been on the edge of losing it for about a month now."
"How can we help you?" Carlisle lightly ran his fingers up and down my arm.
"Maybe if I got all of your opinions, I wouldn't feel so nervous about choosing." I suggested.
"Have you narrowed it down at all?" Rosalie asked. "That might help."
"Umm, yes, I have chosen Yale, of course, Columbia, and Michigan." I told her. "These three have agreed to let me take graduate level art courses as a freshman."
There were many art programs to choose from, but I had to eliminate some of them due to their location. For instance, UCLA was a great school, but none of the Cullen's could go there with me. Other schools didn't care about my work up to this point. They were going to make me graduate with a Fine Arts degree before they even considered allowing me to take more advanced classes. And still others wouldn't agree to my condition that all my work remain anonymous. In the end, there were only three real choices, Yale, Columbia, or Michigan.
Yale was probably the one I favored the most, and not just because Carlisle had suggested it. In fact, I tried to completely disregard that point, though it was harder than I thought. Yale was one of the top three art programs in the country, and my parents would be so proud if I went there. But I wasn't just choosing for me, I was choosing for everyone.
Columbia has a good art program, but it also has a top notch teaching hospital, and it would make Alice happy to be in New York. She could go to fashion shows every day. Although… Rosalie was from New York, and I wasn't sure if she would be happy to go back.
Michigan also had a fairly decent program, but I wasn't sure I could trust the dean of the art program. He told me that he would protect my anonymity, but he didn't seem sincere. Michigan was more of a football school. I don't know if I would be able to get with the whole Michigan/Ohio State rivalry thing. The dean actually mentioned that in the interview, or I would have never known about it. He counted it as a plus that I would be expected to arbitrarily hate everyone and everything associated with Ohio. I have no idea why, and I really didn't care.
"Don't count me in your decision." Esme spoke up. "I'm staying here to get to know Glenna better."
I winked at her. She looked like she could have blushed.
"And I could work in a hospital near any of those." Carlisle told me.
"Columbia!" Alice squealed. "Shopping everyday!"
Was Alice trying to vote or was she trying to tell me that she had seen us at Columbia? I hoped that she understood that I hadn't made up my mind yet.
"Darlin'," Jasper put his hand on Alice's shoulder to calm her down, "quit trying to sway Bella by making her believe that you've had a vision."
Alice stuck her tongue out at her husband. He kissed her nose and chuckled at her.
"Yale." Rosalie stated firmly. "It's closer to the ocean."
"Michigan!" Emmett yelled. "Better football. Buckeyes suck!"
I didn't even care that I didn't know what that meant. It probably had something to do with that ridiculous rivalry.
"Sorry, darlin'," Jasper shook his head at Alice, "but I vote Yale, and it's not that far from New York City."
There was a long pause before I realized that Edward hadn't voiced his opinion.
"Edward?" I urged.
"I am willing to go wherever, and I don't want to influence your decision by giving an opinion." He told me.
"I wouldn't just pick it because you do." I teased him. "I don't value your opinion that much."
"But you might think I'm trying to sway you in some way, and I don't want to do that. This is your first college experience. Your opinion should be the most important in this instance." He explained.
"Thank you, Edward." I smiled at him.
"So… what's it going to be?" Carlisle asked me.
They really weren't that much help. Sure, two of them wanted Yale, but the other two schools were represented in their opinions as well. I knew where I wanted to go, and if my opinion should count as well, then it was a clear margin of victory in favor of Yale.
"Bella how could you?" Alice pouted at me. "I thought you said that you missed shopping."
"I said that I missed shopping a little, not that I wanted to be able to go every day, and besides, Yale is like only an hour and forty-five minutes away from Manhattan, and that's if I drive." I argued. "I checked."
"You're not just choosing that because I sent your statue there?" Carlisle whispered to me, though I knew that everyone else could hear him. "Because I would truly be happy anywhere you are."
It made me smile just thinking that Carlisle wanted to be with me wherever I went.
"No, it's the best school on my list, and Glenna has the best relationship with the faculty there." I told him.
"I know you were upset about it when I first sprung this whole Yale thing on you, but would you please consider living with us instead of the dorms?" Carlisle asked hopefully.
"I have to think about it, Carlisle." I told him nervously. I honestly thought that this was a huge step in our relationship that I wasn't quite ready for. I cared very deeply for him, but there was still something keeping me from fully trusting him. It felt like I was waiting for something to happen to prove that he wouldn't hurt me.
I did want to push things further physically, but that was probably just hormones. I hoped that I would be able to trust him soon because his lips looked so deliciously kissable.
It looked like I had hurt Carlisle a bit with my hesitancy. He quickly straightened out his expression, but I had clearly seen the pain I had caused him.
"Don't." Edward and Alice both said at the same time as I reached my hand toward Carlisle's face.
"Sorry." I pulled my hand back.
"Bella, it's okay." Carlisle tried to comfort me without touching me. "I know that you…"
"Can we please talk about this privately?" I was very embarrassed to have conversations about our relationship in front of the family, especially Edward.
"How about a sleepover here tomorrow after school?" Alice asked. "That's what we'll tell Charlie anyway. Carlisle doesn't have to work tomorrow night, and the two of you can have a bit of alone time. The rest of us can go for a bit of a hunt and spend the day with you on Saturday after we get back."
"That actually sounds good." I nodded, very much looking forward to being alone with Carlisle. I think it had been since he took me to the museum since we had any real privacy. Charlie, of course, agreed to the sleepover since Alice asked him. She assured him that Edward wouldn't even be there, and Charlie was putty in her hands.
When I got home, I told Charlie my decision to go to Yale. He was so excited. He made me call Renee, who shrieked in joy for a full fourteen minutes. I thought that I was going to go deaf from the noise.
Since I was going to spend the weekend with the Cullen's, Edward picked me up for school the next day.
"I think you made a very informed decision." He told me.
"Is that where you wanted to go?" I wondered.
"I told you that it was your decision." He reminded me.
"And I decided." I insisted. "And now I want to know where you preferred to go."
"I preferred Yale as well," he admitted, "but I didn't want you to decide against it because of me."
"Do you honestly think I would do that?" I laughed.
"Not consciously." He told me. "But maybe you would have thought that I was influencing you. I thought it best if I just keep my mouth shut. Also, the decision wasn't of the utmost importance. It didn't really matter where we live next. I didn't think that my slight personal preference was worth mentioning."
I was really impressed with how Edward was changing. I smiled my appreciation at him.
School was… well school. I was bored and wished I could sculpt or that it was over so that I could see Carlisle. At one point, I was literally counting the seconds until I could see my handsome doctor.
When the bell finally rang, I ran as fast as I could to Edward's car, and for once, he couldn't drive fast enough. He smirked at my nervousness.
Carlisle, it seemed had been going through a similar situation. He met me at the door and practically lifted me out of my seat. I immediately hugged him as tightly as I could. He embraced me back, but gently.
Edward left as soon as I was inside with Carlisle. I smiled, knowing that we would have privacy for the first time, pretty much, ever. I knew we had some tough things to talk about, but I was still glad to have this time with him.
"What would you like to do?" He asked, like always, leaving it up to me.
"Um…" I hesitated. "Let's get the difficult stuff out of the way first if you don't mind."
"Yes, I think that would be best." He agreed and led me into the living room.
We sat in silence for a few moments, both wondering who was going to start. I finally broke the ice. "I'm scared Carlisle." I admitted.
"That I will hurt you the way Edward did when he left?" He asked.
"Kind of…" I told him hesitantly because my fear was more about what Edward did while we were still together, but yes, I was also deeply afraid that he would break my heart. "My heart can't go through that kind of pain again."
"My heart breaks at the thought of it happening to you the first time. I can honestly say that I would rather die than hurt you like he did." Carlisle's voice shook with emotion. "But I would like to better understand your hesitancy with regards to intimacy. I get that he broke your heart, and you are guarding yourself more carefully because of it, but I really think that it goes deeper than that."
It hurt me that I wasn't ready to trust him with all of my insecurities. I really wanted to be able to, but I just couldn't make myself say the words. I knew that I needed to give him some kind of explanation, something that would help him understand without exposing my soul to him completely.
"I want to take our relationship further, but I know that any step now is a big one, whether it be kissing or moving in with your family in New Haven, or sharing my fears with you. Any one of those steps could be used to hurt me, especially since they would all emotionally tie me to you in a big way." I started crying.
"I'm not sure I understand." He wiped the tears from my eyes.
"I shared a lot of things with Edward, but I felt that he never shared anything. Though I didn't realize it at the time, he used all my fears and insecurities against me to control me." I confirmed, still crying.
"I didn't know that he did that." Carlisle looked horrified. "I knew that he tricked you and dazzled you, but I didn't know that he hurt you in other ways as well." He sighed deeply and stroked my hair. "I know that there are no words that I can say that will take away your insecurities, but I hope that with time, you can learn to trust me more." His voice was very emotional, scared even.
"Are you scared as well?" I asked nervously.
"This feels a little familiar to me." He admitted. "I thought that Esme and I were truly in love when she told me that she didn't want me that way. I thought that she would eventually get past her fear of sex, but that wasn't really the problem. She actually wasn't in love with me and never could be. I know that she never intended to hurt me, and neither did Rosalie, but I'm very afraid that you're going to discover that you don't care for me the same way I care for you. Every time you hold back, I remember having to let go of Esme and Rosalie and become terrified that I will be alone forever."
I never realized that Carlisle was just as insecure as I was. He had the same problem I had. He had given his heart to someone who didn't return the sentiment. I felt terrible that I made him relive some of his old pain.
"I'm so sorry." I sobbed, reaching for him, but he backed away.
"Don't take this pain on yourself, please." He begged. "It hurts me more when you do that. I never like seeing you in pain that way."
"Okay," I told him, firmly holding my hands together to prevent them from reaching out to him.
I realized that he shared more with me than Edward ever had, and since he was willing, I could trust him with one fear like he had with me. The only insecurities that I knew about Edward were the ones I have figured out since he broke up with me.
"I'm afraid that if we ever have a real disagreement, you will either dazzle me or physically force me or embarrass me to get your way." I barely whispered, not quite brave enough to look him in the eye as I spoke.
"Edward hurt you physically?" Carlisle tensed up.
"A little, but he never hit me or left any bruises," I told him, very afraid to admit what Edward actually did to me. "He just did some things... I mean… he's so much stronger than me." I remembered my promise to Edward that I needed to let them know of his willingness to confess. "There are things that Edward did to me that even though he wanted to tell you everything, I asked him not to. I'm just not ready to talk about it yet."
"I understand." He nodded. "Thank you for opening up this much for me." He squeezed my hand. "I know it was hard, but I really appreciate it."
"Can I sit on your lap for awhile?" I asked him, timidly. I was feeling a little drained after our emotional revelations.
Before I knew it, I had been whisked onto Carlisle's lap and cradled in his arms. Carlisle was always eager to give me any affection that I was willing to accept. I felt badly that he had to hold back so much for me. I started crying.
"Talk to me, Bella." He urged.
"I'm sorry that I can't give you what you want." I sobbed.
"What do you mean?" He seemed genuinely confused.
"You are obviously ready for more… physical affection than I am. I'm sorry that I…" I cried but was silenced by his finger over my lips.
"Don't be ridiculous, Bella." He told me. "When we started our relationship, you told me that you needed to go slowly. I agreed. Remember? Just because I would like things to progress more quickly doesn't mean that I am unhappy with our arrangement."
"But you want me to move in with you in New Haven, and I'm pretty sure you would like to be more intimate, and you're upset that I can't share my fears…" I argued.
"Yes, I do want all those things." He conceded. "I want you to live with us, and I want to kiss you, and I want you to feel comfortable enough to confide in me, but I understand that I can't rush you. More than all of those things, I want your heart, forever. As long as you feel that we have a chance of that, I can wait for those other things.
Could I give him my heart? I felt like I could. Something was holding me back, though. I felt like I was standing on a precipice waiting to feel completely safe before I jumped into the unknown. That sounded stupid. How could I be safe if I was jumping into the unknown? But… I knew that I was the kind of person that couldn't love a little at a time. I couldn't slowly give him more and more of my heart. When I was ready, I would take a flying leap and hope like hell that he would catch me.
"Like I told you before, the next step is a big one for me. I won't take it until I know that I can trust you with my heart." I confessed. "I feel like I'm almost there. I just can't quite do it yet."
"But there's hope?" His face lit up.
"Is there a word for better than hope?" I asked him. "Hope sounds like just a bit better than a fifty-fifty chance. I'd say that there's a good ninety-five percent chance that I will trust you with my heart."
"I think that word is optimism." His smile got brighter. "Or maybe even expectation."
"Yes, that's it. I expect that I will give you my heart." I agreed with him.
"That's good to know." He cradled me more tightly.
After our talk, I relaxed until I fell asleep. I was woken up by my stomach growling. Carlisle had ordered a very nice dinner for me that arrived just after I woke up. I bet Alice had something to do with that.
After dinner, he took me to his woodshop, which was outside in a small building, so that I could watch him carve. From the cuckoo clock he had given me, I knew that he was an amazing woodcarver, but watching him work was amazing. I stared, completely enthralled with the way he moved around the workspace. After a few hours, I had to have a human moment. Though it was storming pretty heavily, I wandered back to the main house to use the restroom. I used my phone as a flashlight so that I could see the way back.
While I was washing my hands, lightning struck and the power went out in the house, and it was completely dark outside. I panicked and began screaming. I didn't realize that I could easily get out of the bathroom or that I, in fact, still had my phone with me, so I started banging on the walls. It was so dark, and I didn't know where to go or how to get out.
"Please don't leave me in here!" I yelled, pounding the walls of the bathroom. "I promise, I'll be good." I don't know if I actually believed that I was being punished, but it seemed like something that might help get me out of here.
I heard the doors open and felt myself being pulled into a hug. I could smell Carlisle's scent, and I held him tightly, sobbing uncontrollably. I vaguely register that he is on his phone and it is slightly lit. I relaxed a bit because slightly is better than nothing.
"I've got her." I heard him say, sounding extremely worried. "She's still crying a bit, but I think she's calming down. I'll have her call you back in a bit."
"Candles." He suddenly announced. "We need candles."
I was scared to death that he was going to leave me here in the bathroom for even the shortest time. I panicked.
"Please don't leave me here!" I screamed, clinging to him as hard as I could. "I'll do anything you want! I'll kiss you or move in with you in New Haven or whatever you want, but please don't leave me alone in here!"
I bent toward him, trying to capture his lips with mine.
"No, Bella!" He sobbed holding me more closely, and effectively keeping me from kissing him. "Not like this! I was never going to leave you in here. I only meant that we should go find some candles together."
"Okay." I agreed, very embarrassed that I had made such an awful assumption. Actually, I wasn't really thinking about anything other than never being left in the dark again.
Carlisle scooped me up into his arms bridal style and carried me into the kitchen to find the candles. On the way, he had me take out my phone and put it on the flashlight setting. He then took all of the candles and placed them around the living room. He sat me on the couch for three seconds while he blazed around the room lighting them.
"Call Edward." He told me once he had placed me back on his lap. "He's worried that you'll be upset with him for breaking his promise."
"What promise?" I honestly didn't know what he was talking about.
"He told me you were afraid of the dark." Carlisle answered. "That's why I came to find you."
I was just about to dial Edward when my phone sounded with Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's Fishing in the Dark, Charlie's ring tone.
"Did the lights go out there, Bells?" He worried as soon as I answered.
"Yeah." I barely spoke.
"Do you need me to bring you your Ativan? He offered. "I know that this is hard on you."
Carlisle caught my attention, and signaled to me that he could give me something if I needed. He also looked shocked that I took Ativan. It wasn't very often, but I still did take it if I got scared.
"No, I'll be okay. Carlisle said that he could give me a sample or something." I told him.
"If you're sure." Charlie sounded very worried about me.
"I'm sure, but thanks for offering." I answered very timidly.
After I hung up, I dialed Edward's number. Carlisle looked worried about me, but he was in no way pressuring me to say anything.
"Bella?" Edward sounded worried about me.
"I'm not upset with you." I answered his unspoken question.
"I'm just glad you're okay." He sounded relieved.
"Carlisle saved me." I told him.
And he had. Not only that, but he also was a perfect gentleman. He didn't take advantage of my fear to get what he wanted. More than that, he absolutely refused to let me kiss him even though he admitted that he wanted to kiss me. This was it. This was what I was waiting for. Carlisle was more than worthy of my trust. I wanted to give him my heart. I was about to do something highly dangerous. I was ready to take that flying leap into Carlisle's arms, and now, I had no doubt that he would catch me.
"Do you think you could come back to the house for a little while?" I asked Edward. "I'm ready to tell Carlisle about what happened."
"Are you sure?" Carlisle interrupted.
"I'm sure." I told him confidently.
"I'm on my way." Edward assured me. "I've been thinking about heading that way since Alice had the vision about the lights going out, but I wanted to make sure it was alright with you. Thank you for allowing me to confess."
"Carlisle is really concerned. Please come quickly." I begged him.
"Okay, I'll see you in five minutes." He hung up.
Carlisle didn't let me set in silence for long before he used his finger to turn my face towards his. "We need to talk about this."
"I want to give Edward the benefit of telling you himself. In fact, I need to tell you that he wanted to confess awhile back, but I asked him not to." I tried to explain. "And yes, I really want to tell you about this."
"Yes, I know that." He nodded. "But as long as Edward was still out of hearing range, I wanted to talk about what you said earlier."
I didn't know what he was talking about. I looked at him, confused.
"When you thought I was going to leave you in the dark, you agreed to do anything I wanted." He reminded me.
"Oh, that." I mumbled. "I'm sorry I misjudged you."
"That's not what I meant." Carlisle shook his head. "I meant that I don't want you offering yourself to me or anyone else because you're afraid."
"I was really confused." I tried to explain. "I didn't… I mean it's hard to think clearly when I'm afraid. I can't promise not to do that again because I don't really realize what I'm saying when I'm like that."
He would probably understand my willingness to give anything to get out of the dark after I told him everything, but I really did want to give Edward the benefit of confessing.
"Okay," he nodded, sadly. "But please know that I will never take advantage of you that way."
I had never wanted to kiss him more than I did at this moment. I wanted to show him that I had given him my heart, but I doubted that he would allow that right now. He would be afraid that this was just a response to being saved. But for me, it was much more than that. It was a realization that I could trust him whenever I was vulnerable. I would have probably done anything, and I mean anything to get out of that bathroom, but Carlisle asked for nothing in return. He didn't try to use my fear against me. The only thing he did was hold me. I was ready. I buried my face in his chest and he stroked my back.