"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad."
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Chapter Eleven

Meredy yawned as she pulled her thick hair up into a loose ponytail. Papered documents and notes littered her desk, all containing information on a certain schizophrenic. Most were descriptions of her hallucinations the woman managed to wiggle out of her. To her surprise, Lucy was actually cooperating for once. For someone like Lucy, the counselor had expected it to take much longer for her to open up like she has.

Now they were making real progress.

"Let's see here.." Meredy mumbled to herself, taking a sheet of paper within her hands. She hummed, skimming over the words she had written. "A maid with pink hair, blue eyes, and shackles around her wrists.." She read further down. "A man who can be as fierce as a lion. Orange hair, usually wears sunglasses and a suit.. Shows most respect towards patient.."

"A mother-like mermaid.. A perverted minotaur.. A crab who enjoys cutting hair.." Meredy ran a hand through her pink locks. "A shy ram.." She chortled. "An archer wearing a horse costume?" She smiled. "Ohhh this girl. What an complex and interesting mind you have."

An hour past, and she organized the paperwork into her desk and was finally able to relax. She interlocked her fingers behind her head and leaned back against her chair. She swept her eyes over her office, inhaling the delicious scent of the cinnamon pumpkin candle that burned. The scent blended well with the atmosphere of fall, but it also made her have this horrible craving for sweets...

A knock at her door brought the woman's attention back. "Come in! It's open." The door clicked open and her colleague, Alzack, stepped in.

"Sorry to intrude, I know you're probably busy," he greeted, his brows furrowing apologetically. She shook her head, moving to place her elbows on her desk.

"Not at all, really. I just finished up some things here with Lucy's case... Have a seat."

The male counselor sat down and ran a finger over his brow.

"What's up?" Meredy watched Alzack as he sighed.

"We have a problem. A big one."

Erza had a problem of her own. She was itching to cut and it was driving her insane. "Fuckin' Nurse Mira," she spat, exasperation flooding into her veins like a bubbling liquid.

Of course, she had no one but herself to blame for this one, yet again. Erza had to give up her only razor―the one she had snuck in when she was first admitted―when she went to get her wounds treated. Her sneakiness made her feel proud months ago, for then she had wrapped the blade in a tissue and hid it within her panties.

Despite having to strip, she miraculously got by the sharp eyes that had searched her. She had eventually caught on to their search cycle, so she always knew when to hide the tool.

Erza had hardly cut when she was new. She had plenty of scabs and fresh cuts to scratch open and pick at, to cause small jolts of pain to crawl up her skin. It was fulfilling at the time.

Mira used to check her regularly for new cuts but lately she hasn't. It was because Erza was "doing better" ― Meredy said so. Right, better. Erza was just a good liar, was all. She had her counselor completely fooled.

Her façade of being a tiny bit healthy was shattered and lying on the ground for all eyes to see. She now had no choice but to accept and go along with whatever happened from here on out.

Erza walked down the hospital's long corridor towards the bathrooms. She was meeting with her counselor in around an hour and she wanted to take a shower before doing so.

Once she stepped in, the sound of running water filled her ears. She turned her head in the direction of the stalls and rolled her eyes. The newest nurse―Nurse Kagura―was quietly leaning against the wall opposite from the occupied shower. Couldn't Erza just take a shower without anyone around?

Erza would usually undress by the sinks, but she didn't feel comfortable displaying her body to this woman, or anyone else, really.

"Hello Miss Scarlet," the nurse greeted as the patient walked by.

"Hi Nurse," she responded, nodding her head.

"Do you need to shave?" The woman with plum purple hair held up a disposable razor, and Erza felt her chest tighten as the blade gleamed.

"No," she said quietly, feeling as if every cut she had on her body was aflame.

"Okay, well if you need to, just give me a shout."

After

The redhead was about to knock on Meredy's door when she heard muffled whispers from beyond it. There were many people talking. She put her ear against the wood to listen on the hushed words on the other side.

She was a curious girl.

"How is ... even-"

"Don't ask me!"

"What're we ... about-"

"We need to ... first."

Dammit! She couldn't catch everything. Sighing, figuring listening on would be pointless, Erza knocked on the door. The voices came to a sudden halt and she heard Meredy clear her throat. "Just a second!" she called, and then said quietly, "We'll talk about this in further detail later."

Talk about what?

Erza backed up once the door opened and the other three counselors stepped out of the room. She gave each of them a small smile and proceeded to step inside Meredy's office, taking a seat.

"Hello Erza." The woman sighed in what seemed like exhaustion. "Sorry about that. We were just in a meeting."

"Oh. What were you talking about?"

Meredy winked. "Nothing that concerns you, my dear."

Oh, she's sure heard that one plenty of times.

"Okay, so. How are you doing, Erza? Everything going okay today?"

And, here they go.

"I suppose so. I still think about doing it. A lot." There was no point in hiding her thoughts about cutting herself anymore.

"Well that's a given, Erza. You won't stop thinking about it until your mind goes in a different direction. What made you do it again?"

"I guess it's just.. everything came flooding back all at once and I couldn't stand it? I don't know. There's.. not just one single thing, you know?"

"Do you mean your memories with Simon and Jellal?"

"Pretty much." Erza downcast her eyes. God, she really didn't want to think about it.

"Well, what was running through your mind?" Erza raised her eyebrows for a second while thinking, recalling her distressing thoughts.

"That I.. didn't care, at all. I don't care what happens to me. Why should I? I let that happen to Simon. I let Jellal down." Erza's eyes began to brim with tears. "Miss Meredy, I can't manage hold down a single relationship. No matter what I do, I can't get my life on track. I just keep failing, again and again."

"You aren't expected to. Some adults don't even have their life together. Who ever said you had to figure things out right here, right now? You have the rest of your life to do that."

Erza didn't have that type of time. She knew she wouldn't live that long, not with how things were going.

"You aren't supposed to be able to handle a serious relationship at your age either. You aren't in the right mindset to. How could you possibly make healthy decisions while you're in this state?"

"I-"

"And there was nothing you could do to prevent what happened to Simon. You aren't the one to blame; no one is."

Meredy leaned back in her seat and adjusted her sweater. "If Jellal really loves you, he will wait for you, Erza. Until you're better."

"And when is that going to happen!?" she shrieked, a few tears toppling over her eyelids. "When, because I can't stand this anymore! I'm tired!"

Wait, what was she even saying? She shouldn't be thinking about recovery. She was going to kill herself. Jellal wouldn't need to wait then.

The counselor sat in silence for a bit, waiting to see if Erza was going to continue. When she figured she wasn't, Meredy said, "Are you trying to recover for him, or for yourself? Who's the real priority here?"

"Je... Jellal is," she whispered, feeling as though she took a sudden blow to the chest. "I'm doing this for him."

That was right, right? Yeah, it was. She was doing everything for him.

"You say you're doing this for Jellal, but is that what's really going on here? Don't you think you'd be trying a bit harder if it was for him?"

"That's-that's not right! I am trying-"

What was she doing? Trying to do?

Run away?

"Don't you want to recover for your own benefit?"

Erza knew.

"Or is it because of your lack of self-worth that you say you're doing it for him more than yourself? So that you don't have to take true responsibility? So this way, maybe you won't have to make amends with everything, with the things that happened before you met him?"

What the fuck was with these mind games?

Meredy's eyes softened into an almost apologetic gaze. "I can tell you're scared Erza; it's written all over your face. But, what do you really think will happen when you recover? Tell me."

Erza hated when she actually had to give her counselor a clear answer.

"I... I..." Erza paused, fiddling with the hem of her sweatshirt. "I'll be discharged and," she whispered, "there'll be no one waiting for me when I get out."

"You have a family."

"Who abandoned me."

The woman shook her head. "No," she said softly. "I'm not talking about them. I mean Jellal. Millianna, Rob, Wally and Shô. They're your family, aren't they?"

Stop stop stop.

"They still left!"

"You left, Erza."

Huh? No, they all left her. Because they... Because they couldn't handle it. They couldn't deal with the Erza then. They left her alo-

"You changed, hadn't you? Correct me if I'm wrong." Meredy paused. "You changed, pushed everyone away, didn't want to accept anyone's help. But you're here now, making an attempt to become healthy again. Right?"

No.

"They're waiting for you, Erza. They're waiting for you to come back. But you'll still be different than how you used to be. You'll never be able to be how you once were, you know?" Erza nodded her head at that. "They'll learn to accept that. You'll learn to accept that."

Would she?

Lucy was called down to her counselors office roughly an hour after dinner. It was probably about Rogue, Natsu had concluded after she left his side. He had talked to Alzack that morning, so he was just the tiniest bit surprised that action was taken so soon. But, he was just making assumptions here. Lucy could have went for different reasons, but it was unlikely.

Now, all he'd have to do was wait for her to get back. When Lucy returned, she would either hate him for exposing her secret and betraying her, or, or... Well, Natsu couldn't picture the blonde reacting any other way. He just hoped she would realize that he was doing this because he cared.

A/N: For those of you who told me what you wanted, I appreciate it, and will be including more anguish as you've wished.

I apologize for the shortness of this chapter! If I did cram all of the things I wanted to here, it would have been too all over the place and I didn't want that.

Leave me your thoughts please!