Chapter Eleven: Please Exonerate Me From Life

*Ilene had had enough of this. Whether she was scared or not, she was going to end this here and now. Knocking gently on the door, she waited for Serena to open it. The door opened and there stood Serena. Ilene took in the sight. Her eyes were rimmed with red, and dark black circles exacerbated the bags that hung below them. Dark tears streaks ran down her pale ghostly cheeks and the short black negligee seemed to swallow her whole into the blackness of the room.

"Oh Serena, oh my baby." Ilene's heart broke at the sight.

"Mommy." Serena sobbed. She couldn't handle it any longer. She was ready to snap. She needed someone to help her, make her forget her pain. Her mother was here, and even if she was a drunken clod, Serena trusted her. She launched herself into her mother's arms.

"Oh Serena. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry it's gone this far. It's alright baby. Everything is going to be alright." Ilene cooed.

"No! It will never be alright Mom. Never again…" Serena declared.

"Why not? Serena, what were you and Duo arguing about? Who is Hiiro?"

"Mom. What if I told you I had done something very stupid. But I couldn't help but do it anyway. But I feel horrible about it. What would you say?" Serena asked.

"I'd ask for more details. Serena, nothing is unforgivable. Nothing."

"What about killing? Don't you think that killing is unforgivable?"

"Have you killed someone?" Ilene asked, suddenly very concerned.

"Mom! No!"

"The why ask if it's forgivable?"
"Because I know someone who has." Serena's tears had stopped, but her voice was quiet and introspective.

"You do hmm?" And who might that be?"

"Trowa. And Duo. And Quatre and Wufei as well. All four of them were killers in the war. But I forgave them for that. I forgave them for being what they were."

"Then what's the problem?"

"Hiiro was a killer too."

"Ahh. Now I get to hear about this Hiiro. Tell me. Have I met him?" Serena hung her head in shame and tears began to slip again. How could she tell her mother who she had dated?

"Serena? Do I know him?" Ilene asked again.

"You've met. Mom, remember Cin?"

"Cin… oh…" Ilene had the decency to blush. "Serena, I didn't mean to bring him home, well, I did, but I mean, I was drunk and…"

"Hiiro is Cin. Or Cin is Hiiro." Ilene's eyes shot open.

"Come again?"

"Mom. When I had to go pay Cin back for your 'hour' with him, I got hit on in the bar by some pretty shady characters. Cin got me out in one piece, and even walked me home afterwards even though he didn't have to. And he asked me out. He had been so nice to me, so courteous, and I accepted… I don't know why, but I accepted."

"Serena! You dated a whore?"

"You were going to sleep with him!" Serena accused here mother. Ilene stepped back slightly shocked. But she also knew her daughter was smart enough to have known what she had been getting into when she accepted.

"I'm sorry, you're right. I shouldn't judge you, or him, that easily."

"Don't feel bad. I did it too." Serena gave a short laugh through her teary eyes.

"Is that all you're crying about? The fact that you dated a whore?"

"No! I'm not that shallow Mother!" Serena defended herself. "It's more. I didn't just date him. And it wasn't even dating, come to think of it. Two dates. Two."

"Where did you go?" Ilene asked her daughter curiously. She had never known her daughter to date, so she couldn't possibly think of where the two had gone.

"Well, the first date he took me out for coffee-"

"You hate coffee though." Ilene cut her daughter off. Serena looked at her mother in surprise.

"How did you know that? I mean, you're right, I do hate it. But how did you know?"

"I'm your mother Serena. It's my job to know."

"It's also your job to keep house, stay with your son and daughters for more than one day at a time, and take care of us. But you don't do all of that." Serena replied quietly. Ilene physically looked hurt.

"Serena. I know I haven't been the best of mothers. And it doesn't just have to do with your father's death. I suppose that was the final straw, but it was never just that. After I had you I was so happy. But I was also very young. I wasn't able to handle the pressure of having a daughter so young. I was only sixteen. And your father was twenty-five. When you were four, we were having marital problem. He wanted to leave me. But I begged him to stay. We figured if we had more kids, we would love each other more. But I was having a hard enough time just taking care of you. I was flighty, always wanted to be partying. And your father, he was a drinker. Over the years we just… grew apart. It had nothing to do with you or your brother and sisters. But when I heard he was dead, I gave up. I didn't think I could raise you all on my own."

"So you left me to do it instead?"

"Serena, I'm sorry. And I would like to start over. Tonight when I heard you crying, I realized how much pain I've caused this family. I'm truly very sorry. I love you so much, you and your brother and sisters. And I want to make it up to you at all costs."

"Oh Mom." Serena breathed. Serena hugged her mother, who by this time was shedding tears of her own. For a moment all of the world seemed to right itself. Everything was back into its place. Then Serena remembered Hiiro. Cin.

"Now then." Ilene pulled away form her daughter smiling. "You were telling me about your first date?" Serena had to smile at that one. Her mother seemed like Duo at times. Childish, but with an honest care for all.

"We went for coffee, or in my case, hot chocolate. Actually, it was rather funny. I convinced him coffee tasted bad, and he traded drinks half way through for hot chocolate too. Then we walked home."

"What, no kiss?" Ilene chided her daughter. Serena blushed.

"No, not really. I pecked his cheek at the end, and he asked me out again."

"So then. Tell me about your second date."

"He took me to where he sleeps when he can't get a job. It's this nice orphanage. We passed out these toys he had bought to the kids. I even met the man who owned the orphanage. It seems he was the one who had adopted Hiiro when he was young."

"So he took you to meet his parents on the second date? That's moving rather quickly."

"What are you implying?" Serena asked skeptically.

"Nothing. Just that he liked you enough to take you home. And you didn't seem to mind…"

"Well, Hiiro's a really wonderful person, once you look around his job." Serena blushed.

"Then what were you saying about him being a killer?" Ilene asked suddenly. For her daughter to be so unhappy that she was bawling her eyes out, there had to be some sort of catch.

"Right after I got the call that you were in jail, he came by. He just… blurted… out that he had been a Gundam pilot in the war. Not only that, but Mom, he was Gundam pilot zero one. The one that killed Dad." Serena spoke quietly and slowly. A silence fell upon the room. Serena heard her mother gulp loudly.

"What did you tell him Serena?" Ilene asked in a clipped, low tone.

"I told him he was lower than dirt. I told him to get lost and that he was never to come back. Mom, I really let him have it. I screamed at him. Oh God, I said he was a bastard… and I sent him packing." Serena wanted to cry. She really and truly wished she could. But there were no more tears left. She was beyond tears. Only the pain remained. And she had yet to figure out why the pain was there, why it felt so real, even though she had so much hatred for Hiiro Yui, the man who had killed her father.

"You, you told him all of that? Oh Serena…"

"Well? Do you still think that killing is forgivable? Even in this case? Mom, he ruined our lives. If he hadn't killed dad that day in the invasion of that stupid little city on the border of the Cinq, you wouldn't have ever started drinking. And everything would be perfect."

"Oh Serena? Is that what you think? That everything is his fault? Serena, it was a war. Your father and I both knew what he was getting into when he enlisted. Serena, he knew the chances of coming a cross a Gundam pilot and living were non-existent, and he knew that even if he didn't run into one, he might not live. It wasn't just Hiiro's fault."

"But…"

"No. Listen. Now I can't say I wouldn't have done the same. I would have yelled and screamed at him too. But Serena, honestly. Maybe you took it too far? And it's obviously hurting you as well. You love him."

"Mother! How dare you suggest such a thing! I do not! And I never will. That's what Quatre was going to say this afternoon. But you're both wrong. I hate him."

"Serena. Two of us are wrong? Or is just you not wanting to admit to anything?" Serena sat in silence at this suggestion. She kept telling herself no, that that couldn't be true. Who could tell her the answers?

"No." She told her mother quietly.

"Believe what you will Serena. But you should at least apologize to Hiiro. If you don't, this will eat you up inside forever."

"You're right. I need to find him. Now." Serena stood and opened one of her dresser drawers.

"Serena, I think you can wait for tomorrow before you go looking for him…"

"No. I need to do this now. He lives for the nightlife. It's his job, remember?" She stopped and looked at her mother, who was still sitting on her bed. "Thanks Mom." She gave her mother a hug.

"That's my job. Which I am going to resume right now."

"Good. That means you can start watching the others while I go and find Hiiro." Serena smiled slightly, then kissed her mother's cheek and ran out of her room.

"Wait! You're leaving in that? Young lady, get back here this instant!" Ilene called after her. Serena stopped and looked back at her mother in disbelief. She would have expected that from Wufei, sure. But from her mother?

"What?"

"Nothing. I just always wanted to say that. Good luck!" Ilene smiled.

"Bye!" Serena called. And she was gone.

)(

Hiiro sat up in the bed. He was covered in sweat, and incredibly tense. Something was wrong. Something was telling him this wasn't right.

"Cin baby." The woman beneath him moaned, out of breath and seductively.

"Sorry." Hiiro stood and began pulling his shirt on.

"Cin? Where are you going? Come on, stay. Did I do something wrong? Hell, that shouldn't matter; I'm paying for you!" The woman whined.

"Sorry Vivian. You're just not my type." He said.

"What? You're a slut! You don't have a type, only a job to do. So get your ass back in this bed and finish what you started!"

"That's be three hundred dollars."

"You were only here for an hour and a half!"

"Which is why it's not four hundred. The money." Hiiro was losing his patience.

"No! I want my sex first!" Enough was enough. Hiiro did something he hadn't done in years. He pulled his gun on the naked woman.

"The money." She nodded and deftly grabbed her purse from the floor. Stuffing the cash into his hands, she backed away.

"Thanks." He put his gun away and ran out of the room. The whole time he was beating himself up. What the hell had he been thinking? Leaving early! He never did that. He could have used the cash too. And pulling a gun on the woman! Maybe he was less than human. He was a bastard. Serena had been right. He was nothing more than a murderer. Who didn't deserve to be wasting the little oxygen. This was impossible. He had taken this job so that he wouldn't destroy others. He had taken this job so he could help others forget their problems. But now he couldn't forget his, no matter how hard he tried.

He couldn't forget all she had said to him, all it had meant, and all it had hurt. Serena had been the only girl he had ever felt any way about, and now she was gone. Now she hated him. She had betrayed him, and he knew he deserved it. After all of the horrible things he had done during the war, he knew this was his punishment- having the girl he liked hating him. It figured. He was a soldier. Not just any soldier, The Perfect Soldier. And he would never stop being him. Damn it all to hell. What could he do now?

)(

"Guys! Open up! Hey guys! It's me! Come on!" She pounded on the door.

"Serena?" Quatre asked as he opened the door a crack. He opened it fully when he recognized her, and quickly ushered her in.

"Serena! What are you doing up this late?" Trowa asked, yawning. All of the others were standing behind Quatre.

"Serena! What are you wearing?" Wufei scolded her.

"Sere, who's with the kids?" Duo asked worriedly.

"My mother." She watched as each of their faces gave an incredulous look. "They'll be fine. After you all left, my mother and I had a little chat. We worked out a lot of problems."

"That's wonderful Sere. But, uh, why are you here?" Duo asked what everyone wanted to know.

"I'm here for two reasons. One, I have to apologize to you Duo. I really gave you a hard time earlier. You were right."

"Of course I was!" He chirped cheerfully. He did a double take and looked at her again. "What was I right about?"

"Braided idiot." Wufei muttered in the background.

"Duo, you said that I was scared. I am. Or was. But not anymore. You also said that both Hiiro and I deserve happiness. And you were right. He does. And I've done nothing to help." She lowered her head in self-disappointment.

"Serena, don't worry. I'm sure Hiiro knows that." Quatre interjected.

"Sere, we've known Hiiro for a long time, even if we haven't been with him for all of that time. He hasn't changed. He prides himself on doing to the right thing, and completing missions. I've seen what happens when he does things wrong. He punishes himself, physically, and psychologically. He thinks of himself as worthless. We all were so accepting of his new… 'occupation' because we knew he was punishing himself for being what he was in the war." Trowa told her.

"He once told me something along the same lines. He said he could have gotten a nice job in some office building. But he didn't think it would be right. He said that so many others had been in the war too, and he couldn't bring himself to rob them from their only way to make a living and supporting their families, so he rejected the jobs." She told them all grimly.

"That sounds like something Hiiro would do all right! He's deep into the whole self-loathing scene. I tried to break him out of it when we were in the war, but he just won't bend." Duo half joked and was half serious.

"Well. We can all just sit here talking about him the whole night, but I need to do more. I need to find him, talk to him. I need to, at the very least, explain why I was so hard on him. He didn't deserve it."

"We have no idea where he is. We were going to track him, but we decided against it. Decided Yui would show up on his own when he wanted to." Wufei told her.

"You're sure? I figured you would know, since you were all so close…"

"We were close. But since he left, our team has been split apart. Without him, we aren't as close as we would like to be." Quatre sighed.

"But you seem so close…"

"We are. But we aren't complete without him."

"Makes sense."

"Serena, listen to me." Trowa spoke suddenly in a very vigorous tone. "You need to find Hiiro. You need to find him and tell him more than you're sorry. You need to tell him he's worthy of living. If you don't, who knows what state of mind he'll be in. We would help, but he won't listen to us. He needs someone who will affect him- he needs you. Convince him to continue living. Convince him you care, convince him that you love him."

"But I…"

"Serena. Don't deny it. You wouldn't care that you had hurt him as much if you didn't." Quatre cut her off before she could deny the accusation. She hung her head in defeat. She knew it wasn't true, but what was the harm in letting the others think it was?

"Alright then. I'll find him. Thank you all so much for your help. I'll see you tomorrow I suppose."

"Bye Sere, and good luck!" She walked quickly out of the apartment complex and back onto the streets. So Hiiro hated to fail missions huh? Well this was her mission: to find him. And she hated to fail just as much as he, probably more. She would prevail.*