I like watching tv or movies with my cla- people as actors. And Eric Roberts, who is for Stevie in this plays one of the main characters in a movie I watched, called my doctor stalks me. He plays the doctor, and I'm not sure I can see him as anything else as Dr. Beck ever again… or if I'm ever going to the doctor's again. But that wouldn't be possible since I go to the doctor's for Epilepsy… I'll just take my mum with me. I just wanted to say I watched Eric Roberts- AKA Stevie Wembley on the TV and he's a good actor… especially playing creepy as much as creepy can be. I hope you'll get a chance to watch the movie.

"This is the best part of chemotherapy, isn't it?"

On the third day of my second chemotherapy session- that had gone on forever Stevie had gotten worse and was for the moment not getting out of the room he laid in.

"What do you mean?"

"The moment you can leave the hospital and know it's…. a week or two before you come here. Well, the best feeling is when you're in remission and can go. But the feeling you have now is pretty great too. I still have tomorrow and the next day left before this session… And not like I ever known that first feeling. But it must feel great."

I didn't really know if he had meant to say that last out loud or not. Either way it was so quietly I could barely catch the right words.

"I'm absolutely sure you will one day Grace. If anyone is going to get through cancer it's you… Cassie… will you take that plastic bag that lies in the chair and give it to your daughter." Mum did as she was told. "There you go, open it."

It wasn't wrapped in more than the plastic bag that it laid in, but in it I found a brown cowboy hat just like the ones Stevie was wearing at all times, and a dark pink shirt with the text "kicking Cancer's butt"

"If you ask me, where I bought all of those T- shirts they used words a bit too carefully. Either way I've given those to several ones here and several of them has walked out of this hospital in remission. And a few of them has… Well, try it on now. It's probably way too big."

It was too big! And I could fit it over the long- sleeved T shirt I was wearing and it was still too big. But still having the print right on my chest showing anyone I met about it felt like something I needed to do.

"There you go. I and Tim and a couple of the others have just the same. Kicking cancer's butt and wearing these cowboy hats proudly. You still have all of your hair, and even though it might not all fall off… well… You'll have to just wait and see… Now… if you excuse me." He grabbed a sick bag from a hanger on the wall, then walked into the bathroom and locked the door after him.

"That poor thing." A nurse came inside and laid a group of medicines on his bedside table. "It coming from both sides like that is bad enough for anyone. But this is his eighth year of fighting cancer and the worst so far. He can neither eat nor drink because either will it go right through him or it will come back up and both are just as bad. Still, not one day he is all down and never a word of complaint."

The nurse looked up in distress when we heard Stevie starting to cough and heave in the bathroom and I couldn't help but frown too. I had even been able to go home tonight but compared to Stevie and some of the others I was healthy. Including Tim who had been fighting cancer over and over since before I was born.

What I was going through really wasn't so bad. Not compared to others'

"Actually." When Stevie came out from the bathroom again a few minutes later holding a hand on his stomach he looked exhausted. "I think I'm going to lie down and rest for a bit. I'd like to keep talking to these beautiful ladies but I'm afraid I can't… Also I don't think you want to shake hands with me right now. I hope you have a good time going home."

"I'm sure I will."

Going home now was never like when I was healthy but leaving the hospital only felt like a relief. Especially when Sam or mum would always be driving me away from there. Neither I nor them wanted to trust my ability to concentrate on driving right after chemo had been pushed through my body.

"So… right home, if I know you right?" I nodded- mum had a way with just knowing before I even knew myself. "Right home it is. I was thinking about something. I know there's someone in town who does perukes for cancer patients or anyone else that wants to look they have hair. Maybe, as your hair will possibly and probably fall off, maybe you would like to pay her a visit and get a peruke."

"Ehrm…" I looked down on the cowboy hat that laid in my lap. "I… I don't know. But I…"

"You don't have to decide right now. If I know this right I think you already have enough to think about. You were calling Noah as soon as we come home, right?"

"Yeah… I wanted to be able to just sit on my own and in my room and everything… I have planned out what I was going to say but I'll probably forget it all once I call anyway."

I had forgotten it when I reached the door to Grey house and saw the candle in the corner, and my letter hanging by the door. There was just something… There was that everything that would have been perfectly enough. Maybe if Noah could just come here and he could just see it, then I wouldn't have to tell him.

My hands were shaking while I pressed his number, then when I pressed the green spot on the screen and then held the phone to my ear.

"Hey."

"Hey Noah."

"Hey Grace…."

I almost heard the smile that had turned up on his lips. Nick had told me that it turned up whenever I was mentioned. But I could feel my stomach turning when I knew that that smile would soon fade.

"Listen Noah…"I decided to go for it before anything else. "There's something I have to tell you about."

I would probably have been stuttering if he hadn't taken over right in that moment. I wasn't sure if I should feel relieved or not when he started talking.

"Nick sounds so distressed and weird whenever you're mentioned… and you're mentioned quite a lot so that's weird. But would you maybe know why?"

"Yeah… I know why… It's that… you know." I stopped, took a break and drew for a deep breath. Here goes nothing! "Listen Noah. After graduation on graduation day… I just started feeling a bit queasy. It wasn't bad or anything. But Sam still wanted to check on me and it turned out it wasn't just a bug."

"You're not sick. Are you?"

As if my stomach hadn't clenched enough, when Noah actually knew half about the story and I felt queasy about the rest of the story so I decided to just go with it.

"I have cancer."

It went silent on the end of the line. Noah couldn't say a word and I heard myself start to babble as if I didn't know what that word meant.

"But, it's looking good. Sometimes liver cancer isn't found until in the… late cases. But thanks to Sam we caught this early and we could check it up before it was still early. I've already started chemo and I'm going on the third and last day of this round tomorrow. I met this guy called Stevie yesterday, and he has a son about our age he sounded as if he wanted me to date."

It was still silent on the other end of the line.

But it would have been if Noah had been the one to break the same news to me too.

"Tell me something Noah." I pleaded. "Just say something. Say that you'll be there. Because you will be, if I know you right. Won't you?"

"Of course I will." Noah mumbled at last. "Listen, Grace. I have to go now, I and Nick have some plans. But… I hope this ends well. And I know it will, you're Grace. Say hi to Stevie and Tim, tell them I thank them for being there for you even when I can't and… yeah, that's it. I hope I'll see you soon but it's not looking as if I will soon. Yeah, that's it. Love you, bye."

"I… love you too."

Noah hung up so quickly I wasn't able to answer.

I looked down on my phone as if Noah's voice was magically going to turn out from it. I then stood up and watched out my window.

Running a hand through my hair I wondered how many more days I would be able to do so. I had been told that the chemo I was getting now was still so light it wouldn't cause side effects. But so had they yesterday when I'd started throwing up and then fainted.

"Grace?" I heard my mum's voice behind the door and a knock on the door. "Can I come in?"

"Yes." I answered back and mum came in carrying two steaming teacups and handed one of them to me before we both sat down on my bed. "I called Noah… He didn't take the news very well I guess. He stated that he and Nick had a game and then hung up as quickly as he could."

I couldn't help but sigh, even though I had been together with him for quite some time and he was the nicest guy I just didn't want to complain about a boy I really liked so much about everything he was and did.

"I think I know your feeling." Mum said and I nodded slightly. "Don't worry. I'm sure he comes to understanding. He just needs some time."

I nodded- I just wished I could believe her but I had a weird feeling it wasn't going to be so simple. Just like I had had a weird feeling about loads of things lately.

"Let's talk about something else then boys. Shall we? I and Sam were wondering once again about what to do if your hair will fall out from the chemotherapy, it hasn't yet. And of course, a lot of people would think you're just as beautiful without hair as you do with it. But we still thought that you are going to be insecure about it, but your confidence and beauty isn't in your hair but… We were wondering if you might need one of those perukes."

I bit my lip while thinking as if it would help me think while I looked down into my teacup. I would have to answer I knew. Such a wig had to be ordered. And would I even want to wear one? Would I feel like myself with hair that wasn't mine?

"I think I'd rather wear beanies and hats actually…" I couldn't help but smile. "Stevie already gave me a cowboy hat."

"Maybe… You just was at the hospital for the second session earlier today. And we know from the next one side effects will get even worse. So maybe tomorrow, the end of one session calls for Stephanie's bistro and then shopping for hats. All kinds of hats. And all of it on me."

I thought back and gave Stephanie a quick thought. Then realized that she was one of everybody I would have to tell about… my current case. So I might as well do it as early as now, so she didn't notice herself after I lost all of my hair.

"That doesn't sound too bad actually. It sounds… about as fun as any of this could ever be actually. Besides, I heard the bistro café serves the food that are the best after a round of chemotherapy so we might have to go there more times during… Well, however long this takes…. This as in… You know what I mean."

I interrupted myself after half of it. The sentence would have been something with therapy or chemo or cancer but I just couldn't say it. Saying it would just make it way too real.

"I know what you mean." I had my hand lying flat onto the mattress and mum reached out and laid hers over. "And… I want you to know that, no matter how Noah or anybody else reacts to this… I- and the most important people really, Sam, Nick, George, Brandon, Lori and so on. We won't take a step away from it while you need us to stay."

"I KNOW I WON'T EITHER."

I heard George's shout from right outside my bedroom door. Gosh, that man knew where he was needed at all times.

Then I couldn't help but smile. These really weren't going to leave me, and for the first time I just felt I understood instead of just hearing it.

"Well…" I said at last suddenly not able to stop smiling. "We're going to have to tell… everyone. I already told the nearest so… with going to the bistro tomorrow I could as well tell Stephanie… Then I can just forget about things until the next round of chemo."

At least now…

…If I had understood this right even worse after the next session. If so, the symptoms might get worse and also harder and harder to forget about.

Random fact

I haven't had all my hair falling off. But I don't know why I simply don't like the idea of wearing a wig. So even though Grace isn't me. I could see her feeling like that too. And since I have a LOT of hair- I'm very happy as long as it doesn't fall off.