'Wait...no. No..don't. Just...hold on hold on...'

Kevin knew better than to stop.

'Please...I don't want to...Jesus...fuck...'

He somehow had to get Patrick beyond this stage. When he was bossy and gripping Kevin's hair and trying to tell him what to do it meant that he was still not totally lost in his headspace. He still had too much control. Kevin liked him mindless. Panting and gasping, not even able to spout his gibberish.

Ow...fuck. The little shit was really tugging on his hair. As if Kevin didn't know exactly where Patrick wanted his head to be.

'Kevin stop...I want...no...I don't want...' Patrick gasped, twisting his body away from Kevin's mouth, but making sure Kevin's head followed.

Kevin was quite eager to get to the main event so he fast forwarded a little.

'Oh...okay...yeah...yeah...that's right...just...there..yeah...a little to the...no...that's just...oh...' Patrick sighed.

Kevin grinned as he pushed another finger into Patrick and found that little bump that was making Patrick shiver every time he rubbed over it. He was so fucking beautiful when he was blissed out. Kevin was torn between sitting up so he could watch Patrick's face as he floated on his high, or bending down and taking Patrick's cock in his mouth so he could ratchet up Patrick's delicious agony. Cock always won.

'Fuuuuuck. Yessssssss.' Patrick hissed as Kevin swallowed him whole. And finally Patrick was beyond words.

But Kevin was playing the long game. He drove Patrick to the promised land...and then pulled him back. Carefully, gently...he didn't want to make him mad, just...crazy. Kevin sucked Patrick softly. Not giving him the full pressure he would need to come, while at the same time his fingers inside Patrick slowed down. Slower and slower and slower, until they slipped out entirely. Kevin sat up between Patrick's legs, lazily stroking his own cock as he watched Patrick open his eyes.

'You ready?'

'No.' Patrick shook his head, still half in a daze.

Kevin smiled.

'Are you saying you want me to stop?'

'No.' Patrick shook his head again. A little more alert.

'Ok...let's try this again. If you don't want to do this, use the safe word.' Kevin reminded him gently.

Patrick closed his eyes and stretched his body, putting on a beautiful show for Kevin. As if Kevin needed to be more turned on.

'And by the way, for being so bossy, I get to top you later.' Kevin announced, as he leaned over to the floor to get his new toy.

'Uh uh. It's my turn.' Patrick said slowly. 'It says so on the schedule on the fridge.'

'If you still have the brain cells to be a smart fucker, then I'm obviously not doing my job right.'

'Oh, you're doing a verrrrrrry good job, Mr. Matheson.' Patrick purred. He fucking purred. And now he was jerking himself off too, just to make sure Kevin was extra specially inspired.

Kevin slapped his hand away.

'That's mine. Leave it alone. I don't want you to come too soon. I want you to feel this for a while.'

Patrick's eyes widened as he saw the toy in Kevin's hand.

'You're going to love this.' Kevin whispered, as he pushed the cool, slicked, rubber into Patrick, slowly, watching Patrick's face for any hint of discomfort...

Patrick winced and bit down on his lip as he arched his back. Kevin stopped instantly.

'No...don't...oh my fucking...god...don't stop.' Patrick panted.

Kevin smiled. He knew his boy would like this.

'Ready?' he asked again.

Patrick squeezed his eyes shut as he nodded his head shortly. And that was Kevin's cue. He bent over Patrick again and gave his cock tiny little kisses, making sure he paid extra attention to the bit that Patrick especially liked, just under the ridge, with some extra wet licks and sharp nibbles. He could feel that Patrick was close to his limit. So Kevin took him in his mouth again, increasing the pressure until just the right moment...and then he pushed the button.

'Holy fucking shit!' Patrick whispered, as his entire body tensed and his hands came back to grab Kevin's head and hold it in place. Kevin couldn't move his mouth, but Patrick didn't need the extra stimulation. He knew that what Patrick was feeling inside him, the delicious vibrations, the exquisite rotations, were going to be all that Patrick required to send him over the edge, so he waited it out, his tongue lazily stroking up and down Patrick's cock nestled in his mouth.

Kevin wasn't going to last much longer himself. The musky smell of Patrick's sex-sweaty skin, the salty taste of his cock as it dripped pre-cum, the knowledge that he was making Patrick crazy with a new experience that he had drunkenly admitted to wanting to try...Kevin snuck his hand down and grabbed his own desperate cock. He was pretty sure he could time this so they'd come together. He could tell by the little noises Patrick was making that he was seconds away...

'Ohhhhhhhhh...fu..uck. I'm coming.' said Captain Obvious.

And he was. Right in Kevin's mouth.

Kevin felt it was well within his rights to place the cleaned dildo on Patrick's stomach when he returned from the bathroom, having washed his own cum off his thighs. Princess Patrick was still a useless puddle, boneless in Kevin's bed and paying no attention to him as Kevin flopped down beside him. Wasn't there some homo bro code that the one who did all the work didn't also have to do all the clean up? Kevin leaned up on one arm, resting his head on his hand as he looked as his lazy lover.

God. He didn't like that word. It was so...melodramatic. The lovely thing about what they had was that it was the opposite of that. It was mellow-non-dramatic, Kevin decided, feeling pleased with himself for coining a new word. Who could have imagined Patrick Murray in a drama-free zone. Not that he hadn't loved the drama in some masochistic way. But this was so much better. Replacing the drama with fucking was the way to go. And being able to walk out when drama threatened, well that was pretty much the best thing about having a fuck-buddy...

And this is why he usually avoided the post-fuck philosophizing. It was much harder to sell himself this story when he was all spent and relaxed and fuzzy-headed. When his 'fuck-buddy' was lying next to him, open and trusting in his dozy, abandoned sprawl, a little post-orgasmic smile on his face, smelling of his and Kevin's sweat and saliva, his hair on end from being rubbed back and forth on the pillow, every freckle just lying there, tempting Kevin's fingers...

He'd known from the beginning that this was going to end up hurting like a mother-fucker. But there was only so much self-preservation a man could do against the force that was Patrick Murray. Kevin gave in to temptation and gently traced the set of freckles on the shoulder closest to him. The only flaw in Ben's plan, which was really nothing more than Kevin's own desires manifested, the only thing he hadn't predicted or planned for was that Patrick wasn't going to walk away unscathed either. He didn't want Patrick hurt. Maybe he had a little at the beginning. Maybe there had been some satisfaction in seeing Patrick thwarted and confused and flailing...but that had soon enough melted away. He honestly wished him no harm. But Patrick was going to hurt when this ended. It was clear that Patrick could separate love from sex, but he wasn't as good at differentiating between love and friendship. What Kevin felt was love. What Patrick felt was friendship. And thankfully, lust. Thus..a fuck-buddy. Which would be ideal if Patrick didn't try to force it into something more. Something that really didn't fit right. Patrick needed his true love. His grand romance. His soulmate. He should learn to play the game of casual sex a little better while he waited. He'd mastered the one-night stands obviously, but if he wanted sex and companionship, he was going to have to get smarter at understanding limitations and realities. Kevin felt his stomach drop at the thought that he was the one who again would be teaching Patrick the difference between real love and passing time. Funny that he'd sign up for that again.

But then, looking at the peaceful, dozing man that lay beside him, was it any wonder that he'd found himself here again. He'd never resisted the draw that Patrick had for him. Both physically and emotionally, Patrick Murray suited him down to a T. It was really as simple as that. So he might as well suck it up and enjoy the ride, as Ben would have him do. And he should definitely stop thinking when his brain was flooded with Patrick-induced endorphins.

'That feels nice.' Patrick murmured.

'I thought you were asleep.' Kevin chuckled.

'We haven't even had dinner.'

Christ. If he yawned any wider he'd break his fricking jaw. But trust Patrick to remember the important things in life. Like food.

'What got into you?' Patrick asked as he trapped Kevin's wandering fingers against his chest. 'I was barely in the door and you threw me on the bed.'

Kevin waggled his eyebrows.

'I was horny. The package with your new best friend arrived today.'

Patrick laughed as he picked up the dildo and examined it closely.

'I didn't realize you just bought it. For me? That's...sweet. I think.'

Kevin stared at him.

'What are you talking about?'

Patrick looked confused.

'I just thought you had it. From...you know...before.'

'Patrick. You don't share dildos. You know that, right? Right?' Kevin watched as the blush spread over Patrick's face. He shook his head in mock despair. 'Oh Patrick. You twat.'

'I didn't think about it!' Patrick protested. 'I mean..it makes sense now that you say it.' Patrick turned back to look at his new toy.

'So, this is mine?'

'Err..yeah.' Kevin rolled his eyes.

'So...you have like...a collection?' Patrick asked.

'A closet full.' Kevin drawled, collapsing onto his back.

'How do you differentiate? Are you going to write my name on it with black marker, with a little heart on top of the i?' Patrick continued, obviously enchanted with the notion of owning his own special dildo.

'I recognize them by color. Yours is black to match your cold empty heart, the next door neighbor's is pink cos he's sweet and makes me cookies when I fuck him with it, and the doorman's is brown to match his uniform...'

'You're very funny, Kevin. I'm cracking up with laughter.'

'I think I preferred you when you were asleep.'

'I'm naming it Kevin Junior. Or maybe you're Kevin Junior and it's Kevin the Supreme.' Patrick mused.

'If you think you're giving me an inferiority complex by comparing me to a 9 inch tube of plastic that can vibrate and rotate for as long as it's batteries last, you couldn't be more wrong. Just remember it can't suck the cum out of you, or rim you till you're begging for cock. So keep that in mind when you're deciding who's junior and who's supreme.'

'You have such a way with words. I'm surprised the ad agencies don't steal you away to write all their copy for them.'

'All right, enough larking about. If you want to eat, you'd best call and order something, because there is no way in fuck I am going to cook for you after all the hard work I just put in.' Kevin snatched the toy away from Patrick's hands and bounded out of the bed. He felt re-energized. His moment of sad reflection over. It had always been this way with Patrick. A rollercoaster. Sheer heaven followed by pure hell. And then...up again. Like now.

'Before we do that...could you wait a minute?' Patrick reached out a hand and grabbed Kevin's thigh. Kevin turned, ready to tease Patrick about his insatiable appetite for both Kevins, but the look on Patrick's face was...oh fuck. And down the rollercoaster went.

'Come back and lie down. Just for a minute.' Patrick urged him quietly, pulling Kevin back down to the bed, settling himself on his side, mirroring the position Kevin had been in only a few minutes before. Kevin looked up at the ceiling.

'There's a couple of things...' Patrick started, and then stopped.

Kevin waited.

'Ok, first, I just want to say that I know you don't have a closetful of dildos. And by that I mean I know you're not seeing anyone else. And we haven't discussed it, but I want you to know that I'm not either. So...there's that.' Patrick blurted out.

Kevin waited.

'And...there's something else that I don't know how to feel about. And I wanted to talk about it when I walked in but you jumped me and then...well, you know what happened next.'

'Could you just fucking say it, whatever it is?' Kevin clenched his jaw.

God, the silence was so fucking annoying.

'I spoke to Richie today and he still doesn't know about us, and I don't know why I can't tell him.' Patrick mumbled eventually, looking at the headboard above Kevin's head.

And now the silence was deafening.

Huh. Which one of those things was Kevin supposed to feel more aggravated by? Patrick's declaration of monogamy, which was unsolicited and unwelcome because it meant the end was getting closer, or the mention of Richie which meant the past was getting harder to avoid. But Maybe there was a way he could deal with them both at the same time.

'Does Richie know you're dating?'

'Yeah. He knows.'

'Well then, what does it matter who it is?' Kevin asked.

'Kevin...'

'Did you tell him about all the other men you've fucked since you moved to New York?'

'No.' Patrick answered shortly.

'Well then. What's the big deal?' Kevin shrugged.

Patrick wasn't avoiding looking at him any longer.

'I don't know how you do it. How you can be so sweet and fucking tender one minute, and such a fucking cunt the next.'

Kevin looked back at the ceiling as he crossed his arms over his body. He hated being naked like this. He felt like a total wanker. Exposed. Best to forge on though.

'Well, if we're being honest...'

'Maybe we shouldn't be.' Patrick interrupted him in a hard, cold voice.

'I was going to suggest that the reason you can't tell Richie that we're fucking is because you know he'd think it was the stupidest idea he'd ever heard, and that you couldn't think of a good enough excuse to explain it away. Other than you're lonely and horny and know that I'm a good fuck.' Kevin continued.

'All right. Let's do this.' Patrick sighed as he sat up and crossed his legs. He should look ridiculous, sitting there like that, but he didn't. He looked determined and focused and scary as fuck.

'I knew if I mentioned that this is becoming a relationship you'd panic and lash out at me. You're very predictable, Kevin. And I shouldn't have followed up with the Richie thing, but the truth is I want to talk to you about it, and you not letting me is just plain stupid.'

Patrick put up a hand to silence Kevin as he opened his mouth to say something. And Patrick was a smart man because frankly Kevin had nothing really to say.

'Why don't you ask me about Richie?' Patrick shot at him.

'Ask you what?' Kevin knew he was behaving like a teenager, but he just couldn't help himself. He would rather be anywhere at this moment than here, talking about Saint Richie.

'I don't believe you have no interest in why we're not together anymore. I know you must want to know. And I want to explain...'

'Well then, fucking go ahead! Tell me. Explain to me why the purest most perfect relationship on God's green earth ended up like every other sad attempt you've ever made at playing house.' Kevin snapped.

'Are we finally going to talk about that too? About that night on the roof...'

'Stick to Richie.' Kevin said, and even to his own ears his voice sounded frightening. But Patrick didn't flinch.

'Ok. We'll pick door number one tonight.'

Kevin drew in a deep breath and prayed to the god he didn't believe in for patience.

'Or not. We could just call it a night.' Kevin suggested grimly.

'That's why I wanted to have this conversation here. I don't think you're going to throw me out, and you're not going to walk out of your own apartment, so you might as well get used to the idea that you're stuck with me. Until I decide otherwise.'

'As always.' Kevin laughed wryly.

'You know, Kevin, all your little half remarks and snide comments aren't in keeping with your supposed attitude that we're just two happy gay boys fucking like rabbits for the pure fun of it. Which is fine with me, but I know you'd hate for me to get the wrong impression and actually think you give a fuck.'

Kevin clenched his teeth. Shit. This Patrick was much better at rolling with the punches. And he himself was getting much sloppier about taking pot shots. So they'd both changed, but only one of them had made progress. Which was humiliating. And sobering.

Jesus. He was a lot less ready for this than he'd thought. So much for all the keeping Patrick at a distance crap. One mention of Richie and he was back in that headspace of useless envy and misplaced rage. Patrick hadn't even seen Richie until he'd come back for Agustin's wedding. He wasn't what drove Patrick away. Well...not in the most direct sense. Richie was never his enemy. Or his rival. He needed to remember where the threat really always came from. Patrick himself. So...he needed to stop behaving like a cunt. Simple.

Kevin drew in a deep breath before he turned and faced Patrick. Who was looking at him with something that seemed very much like...wary tolerance.

'Sorry.' Kevin mumbled. And waited.

Patrick smiled. A small tentative smile, but a smile nonetheless.

'I do want to know what happened.' Kevin said, relieved at the reprieve he felt he'd given himself. 'And as for that stuff about not telling Richie, well, it's only natural. Given our past. No one would think it's a good idea and his opinion has always meant a lot to you, so, if you don't want to tell him, I understand. Completely.'

Patrick continued to look at him as if trying to gauge his sincerity. Then he obviously must have made up his mind because he dove right back in.

'I don't know if that's it though. I've faced Richie's disapproval before and I know what it feels like to not want to. That's what's confusing me. I don't care if he knows, but I care about the explaining. I almost wish someone else would call him up and tell him, but then I don't think anybody would.'

'I thought he and Agustin were good friends now. While you were in Denver I saw them a few times at bars and places. With Brady' Kevin said quietly.

'Did you? God. San Francisco really is such a small village sometimes.' Patrick shook his head. 'But the thing is, I haven't really told Agustin either.'

Which was a good thing, Kevin reminded himself. Not anything to be hurt about.

'And that one is totally because he would be one hundred percent judgmental and now that he's married and suddenly an expert on relationships it would just be completely insufferable.' Patrick continued, shuddering theatrically.

Kevin smiled.

'Ok. So if you didn't not tell him because you're not worried about his opinion, what are you worried about?'

'I don't know.'

'Maybe, that it would be like a nail in the coffin? That it would be something he would never forgive so you'd be shutting a door?' Kevin ventured.

Patrick frowned.

'That door is shut. We both slammed that sucker closed.'

Well. Ok. Did Patrick not realize how bad he was at closing doors? Kevin thought it was best he keep quiet about that.

'Kevin, believe me, we tried to make it work with everything we had. I was so in love. We both were.'

Great. Kevin now remembered why he hadn't really wanted to have this conversation before.

'I mean, I felt like we could just conquer the whole fucking world. Whatever it threw at us. But not in a sappy way. No stars in my eyes. In a real, honest, clear, way. Together.'

Patrick fell silent, staring at the wall ahead of him, his fingers clenching his knees. Kevin wondered at the memories that had Patrick suddenly so pensive. He remembered his own feelings of invincibility when he was obsessed and in love with a man he thought loved him back. Those might even be the lost feelings he mourned most. Maybe they were the feelings Patrick missed most too.

'What went wrong?' He asked eventually. He didn't want Patrick lost in the memories for too long.

Patrick shook his head.

'I don't know. Nothing big. Nothing dramatic. No showdown or betrayal. Just...a million tiny things that happen to everybody. It took him forever to get his business going, and I didn't know how to help him, or when not to offer, but I thought we ended up handling that well. Him telling me what he needed. Real discussions about how we felt, how we'd work through things together. He told me to stop hovering, stop feeling guilty about making money, and I told him to let me in and let me help. And it worked. But that...well...it sort of became a pattern. We talked about everything. Negotiated everything. We were so fucking careful of each other. Like we were the caretakers of this huge thing that everyone had a stake in. They wanted us to be happy. All our friends. Except Brady of course, but even Kaya was happy to see Richie happy. And I think he felt it was a responsibility he had. Like I was a prize he was supposed to be grateful for. And god knows I sometimes wondered what he'd given up for me...'

Patrick paused to look down at Kevin, who had remained silent. Patrick chuckled wryly.

'I know some people think I should be flattered that men leave their boyfriends for me, but I've got to tell you Kevin, it's a fucking burden sometimes.'

Kevin raised his eyebrows. What could he say? Had he burdened Patrick with too many expectations too quickly?

'I think Richie began to crack first. I could tell that he was less patient with me. Wanted me to take things a little more seriously, but at the same time I was supposed to be chill, and I didn't know how to do both. He does it so well. He's got this gravity to him. It's both grounding and freeing at the same time...and then...it isn't. It just becomes a weight sometimes. And I wanted to shake him and tell him to lose his mind over some insignificant piece of trivial shit and queen out, so I could just see him be human. I wanted him to be annoyed with me about something unreasonable. Just so that I could bitch at him and tell him to grow the fuck up. But...he never did.'

'I miss your spirals sometimes.' Kevin admitted softly.

'Oh god. I don't. I'll forever be grateful to him for inspiring me to take care of myself when it really mattered. He showed me that confidence came from within, and I know it sounds like a cliche, but, Kevin, my god, when you see it, when you live with it, it is such a fucking powerful lesson to learn.'

Kevin shrugged. Confidence came from many different places. But his had certainly been cracked and broken so maybe his brand wasn't as strong and shiny as Richie's. Actually, there was no maybe about it. Richie seemed to have a natural aura of self-possession that Kevin had only achieved after he felt he'd earned it the hard way. Another point for Richie. As if anyone was still counting. And another point off for self-pity.

'So...things just...fizzled?'

'Uhm...fizzled? I don't know if that's how I'd put it. It just seemed like it was harder work each day to be so well adjusted. And I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's like we had fallen in love with a very particular version of each other and when one of us changed a little, it didn't feel right and we had to renegotiate everything from the beginning. It was exhausting. And we both felt it. This growing apart. This desire to spend less time together. And at first I thought it was just what happens when you live with someone for a while so I ignored it, and so did he, but then we had this silly fight one day about politics and some proposition that he wanted to fight against on a local ballot and I couldn't be bothered and somehow we thought that maybe what we needed to do to stop the bickering was get married.'

Kevin tensed. His whole body on alert. Jesus fucking christ. They'd been engaged?

'And all I remember feeling when we spoke about it was, well, if there's such a thing as gay marriage there's also gay divorce so what's the harm in going for it.'

Kevin's heart broke at the tears gathering in Patrick's eyes. He reached up a finger to catch them before they spilled out onto Patrick's cheeks. Patrick smiled weakly at him and clutched at his hand, pulling it onto his thigh and squeezing it tightly.

'He said something eventually. I think I would have gone through with it because I didn't know how to stop it. How could I have loved him so much and yet not be able to make it work with him? But thank god that wasn't good enough for him. He told me that we'd fallen out of love. Which I thought would kill me, but it didn't. It felt...like falling in love all over again, but without him. Like falling in love with life almost. Free. And sad and happy. Does that make sense?'

'No.' Kevin admitted. 'That's not how endings ever felt for me. But, I've always been more of a black and white sort of guy. Not very complicated.'

Patrick laughed quietly.

'Why do you always sell yourself short? You know that's bullshit. And I know it's bullshit too. You're not black and white, Kevin. You have so many different fucking shades of every color I don't even know where to begin.'

'Not sure that's a compliment.'

'Neither am I' Patrick agreed. 'But...I think I know why I didn't tell Richie about you.'

'Oh?'

'I don't think it's to do with him. As I've been talking to you, I realize I really am ok with what he'd think about it. And I don't think he'd find it particularly shocking.'

'Then?'

'I think I just need your permission. If I tell him it really will be more than a casual fuck, Kevin. Because I don't tell him about those. So I want to tell him that I have a boyfriend. But...do I?'

'If I say no, will you walk out the door?' Kevin asked.

Patrick shook his head.

Kevin fell in love just a little bit more with the man that wouldn't leave him even as he was pushing him away. Oh how he wished he could turn back time and never have set eyes on Patrick Murray.

'Let's order some dinner. I'm starving.' Kevin said as he pushed himself off the bed.

'Kevin.' He turned around at Patrick's voice. 'Maybe I'll just tell him that I've met someone I'd like to have as a boyfriend. Someone that I think likes me too.'

Kevin chewed his lip as he looked around for his underwear. He felt Patrick's eyes on him. He felt Patrick waiting as he dressed.

'I'll order a pizza.' He said eventually.

As he was walked out the door Kevin turned back and clutched the doorframe.

'I think it would be ok if you said that to Richie. And tell him I say hi. And...by the way, I'm glad he was good at this. At this breaking up thing. That he made you happier to have had him in your life. That's really rare Patrick. I'm glad you got to feel that.'

And that was about all he could manage for now. He'd be a little stronger tomorrow.