Where Do I Begin?
Rifiuto: Non Miriena
Summary: Suni finds the letter her mother tucked into her bridal bouquet on her wedding day, and reads it to her husband and daughters. Set fifteen years after Suni's wedding.
"We really should have cleaned this attic out years ago."
"We would have, except, it you remember, we were too busy working." He said, taking the box from her and setting it on the ground before pulling her into his arms.
"Don't forget having babies." She said, laughing as he kissed her.
"That too."
"Daddy? Where do you want these boxes?" They broke apart, at the sound of their oldest daughter's voice. Fourteen-year-old Elphaba stood in the attic doorway, a box in her hands. A year after Max and Suni's marriage, they'd discovered they were pregnant, and had their oldest daughter nine months later. They'd named her Elphaba Kiran, after Suni's mother and Max's grandmother. Three years later, their second daughter, Charlotte Evangelina, was born, and two years after Charlotte, they had Blair Delia, their last.
They visited Suni's parents regularly, who still lived in Bar Harbor. Bar Harbor, was much like Westbrook, the small town Suni and Max lived in. Also on the coast of Maine, they had an old Victorian on the shoreside, near the ocean.
"It's in your blood. You were conceived on the shore, born in our seaside hideaway. The sea is as big a part of you as Daddy and I are. Our blood runs in your veins, and so does the ocean. It's a part of you, and it always will be." Her mother had told her that on her sixteenth birthday. And it was true.
"What's in it, Fabala?" Suni asked, going to her daughter.
"I don't know."
"Take it downstairs. We'll look through it in the living room, where there's better light." Fabala nodded, leaving. Half an hour later, the family gathered in the living room, cups of coffee and tea on the table.
"What is all this stuff?" Twelve-year-old Charlotte asked, as ten-year-old Blair pulled something out of the box.
"It's from our wedding." Suni replied, seeing the wedding invitations in her youngest daughter's hands. They continued to search through the box, until Elphaba pulled a bouquet of dried liles and roses out of the box.
"Your wedding bouquet, Mama?" Suni nodded, reaching out and taking the bouquet from her daughter. She gently ran her fingers along the flowers, but stopped, when she felt something tucked among the flowers.
"What's this?" Gently, she pulled it out, and unfolded it. A piece of paper. No, several pieces of paper.
"What is it, Mama?"
"Suni?"
Instead of answering, Suni settled back among the sofa cushions, and began to read aloud.
"My Darling baby girl,
If you're reading this, then it's your wedding day. I bet it seems like a mother always writes her daughter a letter after she's born, usually to be opened on her wedding day, and I can't say that I'm much different. The fact being that, as soon as I was able to stand after you were born, I picked up a pen and a piece of paper and began writing. I guess... the one difference is that... throughout this whole pregnancy... I convinced Daddy to make a little documentary on how everything went, up until your birth. And that DVD is one of the gifts your father and I gave you on your wedding day. When you watch it, I want you to know that...that...
Where do I begin, my love? I guess...Starting with the things I haven't said enough of. I guess, starting with...saying that...you are the most precious thing in my life. You had my heart from the moment you were first concieved, that night on the beach. I know I've told you a thousand times, but, the beach, the ocean, the sun...is in your blood. It's in your blood, and Daddy's, and mine. Never be ashamed of that, my love. Never. The ocean is beautiful and strong, just like you are. And I know I don't tell you that enough, but it is. I guess...Starting with the day you changed my life...on Christmas Eve... I named you Sunrise because the day you were born, I asked Daddy to pull the curtains so I could see the sunrise even though I couldn't see it walking along the shore because I was having you. It was beautiful. And hearing your first cry, it brought tears to my eyes. You entered this world just as the sun rose over the ocean. Seeing the sunrise and feeling you in my arms, it was then that I knew the perfect name for you. It started with the day you changed everything, and...and ending with the way I feel tonight. You're my baby girl. You will always be my baby girl. And tonight...tonight...well, I guess...I'm feeling what Daddy's feeling, and you know Daddy. Tonight...tonight, I'm watching my baby girl dance with her husband- her husband. I never thought I would live to see the day that my baby girl would find her own husband, her own love. I feel...so proud of you for finding someone to love you. I hope your husband loves you as much as your father loves me. And I hope he shows it to you every day.
Even now, I've already got a paragraph written, and I still can't decide on where to go with this letter. Where do I begin? Do I...continue on about your birth, about...how hard it was? How painful? Or do I talk about what it was like to feel you growing and moving inside me these past nine months? To...feel you kick against my hand, to...see you on the ultrasound...to...feel you leaving my body...to...hear your first cry...I...I don't know where to begin after this. But...over these last few years, I realized that...there are two people I can't live without. Daddy. And you. Where do I belong when you're not here, baby? You're a part of me, a part of my heart and my soul. Without you in my life, well, this is way beyond my darkest fear. I...you're my baby...I'm your mother. I...with you...I don't know where I end or where I start...with our family...with us...each mile in between is way too far...you're my life. I know I'm not making any sense but...I...I've always counted all my blessings, and...I know that...that if I was ever in trouble and Daddy wasn't there, I know you'd defend me and stand by my side, because of how close we are. Now...if only I didn't lose my senses each time I intended for these words to come out right...I've written three letters before this one, and all three have turned into jibbering, jabbering nonsense. So, I guess I'll ask this again, where do I begin, my love?
When you look at it, I guess...starting with the morning you brought me the sun- the day you were born, my beautiful little Sunrise. Don't ever think that we named you that so you could be looked on as an outsider. We didn't. Daddy and I would never put you through that sort hell. Never. We named you Sunrise because you're like the sun on the ocean in the early morning- you bring so much color and joy to our lives, that this name fits...perfectly. Daddy's reading this over my shoulder, and his two sense? Well, he'd much prefer to think of starting with the stars from out of space...the night you were concieved, we went for a walk under the stars, and they shone so bright...and...I knew...I knew that night was different...as if I knew that we'd concieved you...it just felt...perfect. And, the night you were born... the stars sparked through the curtains and...it just felt...well, in Daddy's words...when you were born...the night you were born...with the stars that shone through the window on the night you were born...well, you took a few and lit up my face with your birth.
You know me like Daddy knows me- everything about me, even what I'd prefer to keep hidden. You're my daughter. I always read the last page instead of the first one...I always want to know how something is going to end before it begins. With your birth especially. I had to talk Daddy into wanting to know whether we were going to have a little girl or a little boy five months into my pregnancy. You know me, I'm not fond of surprises. And...well, there's no need to rush it all in. I believe I've said all I can think to say.
Except...
...I love you, and I'll say it again, so you understand how much you mean to me. To make you understand that..having you was the best thing to happen in my life.
I love you, Sunrise.
All My Love,
Mama"
Tears coursed down her cheeks as she looked at her husband.
"Grandma wrote that?" Blair asked, gently taking the letter from her. Suni nodded, before snuggling into her husband's arms. Gently, he kissed her forehead.
"Mama? I found that DVD. Can we watch it?" Evangelina asked. Slowly, Suni nodded. They put the DVD in the player, and settled back, as the video started. It started with an ultra sound.
"You really want to film your pregnancy, are you sure about this, Fae?" Her mother laughed, her hand gently rubbing her still flat belly.
"Yes. And on her wedding day, I want to give this too her, and I want her to watch this, so she knows exactly how much we love her. Most couples don't do this for their children."
"How do you know we're going to have a girl?"
"I just know."
Suni chuckled softly, as her daughters curled up with her and Max. The video continued on, and they watched it, until dinner and after, sending the girls to bed. It was later that night, when Max awoke to find his wife's side of the bed empty, that he came downstairs to find her curled up on the sofa, the DVD playing.
"Suni? Come to bed, sweetheart. It's late." She ignored him. "What are you so-" He asked, joining her on the sofa.
"Shh."
On the screen, was her mother. She bit her lip, thinking, before finally finding the right words to say.
"Hey baby girl. It's almost time." Gently, she rubbed her round tummy. She looked to be close to the Suni's birth- with another couple weeks away.
"Is that you?" Max whispered softly, jokingly, as his wife curled into his arms. Suni didn't say anything, just curled into his embrace, eyes locked on the video.
"I guess...I don't know what to say. There are so many words to describe what I'm feeling right now, but, none of them seem right." Elphaba gently tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I...I asked Daddy to make this...documentary...video...for you, so...on your wedding day, you can watch this, and...know how much you mean to us, even after Daddy and I are gone. I hope that day doesn't come until we're both old and grey and you're married with grown children of your own. I...I want you to know that Daddy and I never regretted having you. We love you. You're...you make our lives complete, even though you haven't come into this world yet."
Elphaba took a deep breath, trying to think of what to say next.
"I...hope that... you find someone that loves you as much as Daddy loves me. Someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with you, and create beautiful children with you. Someone who... will be able to read your heart and soul. And...tell you every day that he loves you." She giggled softly, and Suni heard her father's voice.
"Fae, she's not even born yet. You have two weeks left to go, it's not like she's going to remember any of this after she's born. She's just a baby."
"I know, but...she's going to be watching this someday when she's married. I want her to remember...how much we love her."
"Sweetheart, hasn't anyone ever told you that you can never lack love?"
"No."
"Well, I'm telling you. She will never lack love in this house. Before her birth, after her birth, after she grows up and gets married. She will never, never be unloved. Never."
Elphaba wiped a tear off her cheek.
"Promise Yero?"
"Always Fae. Always."
Elphaba turned back to the camera.
"I just want you to know that...you will always be my baby girl. And..." She looked down at her belly, gently rubbing her tummy, a smile coming to her pretty features.
"She kicked?" She nodded.
"And...if...if it seems like I don't say this enough, it doesn't mean I don't love you. It doesn't mean that Daddy doesn't love you. We love you. With all our hearts and souls, we love you. Never, never forget that. I love you. From the moment you were concieved, to our deaths, we loved you, and never stopped. We never will stop loving you. Never. You're our baby girl. And," She looked down at her belly, gently stroking it. "and nothing will change that. Nothing. Ever. I will always love you, always. I promise. I love you, baby girl."
The DVD ended, and Max looked down at his wife. Suni lay curled in his arms, tears coursing down her cheeks. She broke down, wrapping her arms around his neck. Max held her, letting her cry. Through the sobs, he finally heard,
"She loves me."
"Of course she does, darling. She's your mother. Why wouldn't she?"
Suni looked up at him, sniffling.
"She just... she just..." She disolved into sobs again, eventually crying herself to sleep. Max turned the DVD off, then gathered his wife in his arms and carried her to bed. As he snuggled next to her, he took her hand, finding the Elphaba's letter clutched tightly in Suni's hand. Gently, tenderly, he worked the letter out of her hand, and folded it, before placing it in the nightstand, but not before catching a few specific lines; lines that filled his heart with joy.
Where do I begin, my love?
... I'll say it again, so you understand how much you mean to me...having you was the best thing to happen in my life.
He read it silently, before setting it on the nightstand, and laying next to his wife, cradling her in his arms, her head resting on his chest, her body burrowed into his.
"Max."
She breathed his name softly, burrowing closer. He chuckled softly.
"I love you, Sunrise. Never forget that I love you." He whispered, gently resting his lips against her forehead, listening to her breathing, before slowly succumbing to the bliss of sleep himself, Elphaba's words in his head.
I love you, Sunrise.
Mama