Thanks for all your reviews, and please JoBethMegAmy never apologize for leaving more than one!
And thanks to everyone who is staying with this story even though I'm sure everyone would like to slap Jane, even I do. I'm aware she's acting kind of out of character and not like the bad-ass we all know and love. She's being a younger, less confident Jane and I promise I'm going somewhere with it.
Chapter Eleven
Jane had never felt so lost; she was in free fall. She couldn't stop replaying the confrontation with Lauren over and over in her mind, hearing her words like an echo. In the moments when she wasn't thinking about that, she was picturing Maura's face when she'd told her about not wanting a relationship. In truth she didn't know what she wanted – she had begun missing Maura as soon as she'd walked out of the door, feeling an aching loss for what they could have had. She wished she could take it back.
She tried calling Lauren too many times to count. Lauren had turned off her phone and Jane hung up on the voicemail again and again. The days all blurred into one another. She'd missed more classes than she had in the last few years put together and was spending most of her time in bed or out walking by herself. She'd barely eaten and she could never sleep for more than a few hours at a time. If she and Lauren were still friends she had no doubt that Lauren would tell her she were wallowing in her misery.
After a few days she broke. She picked up the phone and dialled Maura's number with her heart pounding. It rang a couple of times before it was answered, Maura not saying anything.
"Maura?" she said into the silence.
"What do you want?" Maura sighed. Her voice didn't sound angry or rude, just as tired as she herself felt.
"I just wanted to apologize for how things have turned out." I just wanted to hear your voice – I just wanted to feel okay for a moment, she added in her head.
More silence, and then she was gone. Jane wasn't surprised that Maura had hung up on her. She held her phone to her ear for a few seconds and then put it down, sitting on her hands to stop herself from pushing the call button again.
That weekend she missed a game for the first time in forever. She'd been feigning illness all week and it wasn't hard to convince her mom to call the coach. Angela looked at her suspiciously, wondering why she wouldn't just call herself. For once she let it go; she'd been nagging Jane for days to go and see a doctor but Jane kept blowing her off.
By the second week she'd grown tired of doing nothing but feel sorry for herself, so she started going back to class ocassionally. Her half-hearted return to normal life did not extend to basketball. She didn't show up to training and ignored the calls of some of her friends. When the weekend rolled around again she knew she couldn't miss another game without trouble, from both the coach and from her folks.
Jane walked into the locker room with a heavy heart, wondering how many of the others knew that she and Lauren weren't talking. They weren't a particularly gossip-y team, but things like this tended to get around. If they knew nobody said anything and everyone treated her the same, except for Lauren of course who didn't so much as glance in her direction.
It turned out to be the worst game she'd ever played. She fumbled passes and her lack of energy from not looking after herself meant that she couldn't run for shit. Her coach pulled her off at half time and put her on the bench. Her apathy spread through the team like a virus and they lost. She tried to ignore the accusing eyes of her team-mates. In the locker room after the game she got bawled out in front of everyone, the coach telling her that if she were still sick she should have stayed at home. She got up halfway through the tirade and walked out.
"Where the hell are you going Rizzoli?"
"I quit," she said, throwing the words over her shoulder as she went.
"Go and cool down for God's sake, this isn't a high school team," her coach said dismissively, figuring she was just blowing off steam. Jane had meant it. She didn't care about anything right now.
"Jane?"
She turned around warily at the sound of Lauren's voice.
"What are you doing? You can't lose your scholarship now, it's the last semester." Lauren knew she was for real. She knew Jane well enough to know that she wasn't screwing around with this.
"I don't care," Jane said honestly.
"Are you together now?"
"No," Jane said, a pleading tone in her voice.
Lauren looked her up and down, taking in the dark circles under her eyes and the greasy hair she hadn't bothered to wash. Jane felt a spark of hope at the fact that Lauren was even talking to her, and cared enough to follow her out. But then Lauren muttered a 'whatever' and turned around to go back.
It was time to go out and do something, anything. She was climbing the walls and she was definitely on the edge of a screaming match with her mother, who wouldn't leave her alone. She decided to give Rachel a call, it would be a good distraction from how shitty her life had become lately. Rachel was fun, but more importantly she was so self-absorbed she wouldn't notice that anything was wrong. Jane just wanted to forget for a night.
She suggested that they go to a bar in Maura's neighbourhood, not because she was planning to go to her place - maybe she just wanted to be close. It was a warm night and they got a table outside. Jane's predictions had been accurate; Rachel didn't even ask her about her abrupt quitting of the team. She sipped on her beer slowly in order to avoid getting drunk and morose too early, and listened while Rachel talked about some guy she was into. Rachel went to the bar and disappeared for a while and Jane was unfussed, assuming that she'd run into someone inside. Most likely someone with a penis, so Jane didn't expect her back any time soon.
She occupied herself with people watching, searching their faces. She hadn't wanted to admit to herself how much she was hoping she would see Maura. Looking across the street she saw two women, one of them the right shape to be Maura, but lately she'd started seeing her everywhere. It took a few seconds to realize that it actually was her, and she was out of her seat before she had time to think. She ran across the street, crossing against the lights and calling her name as she closed the distance. When she was still too far away to hear she saw Maura say something to the person she was with, who nodded and started to go. Jane tried to stay a respectful distance away until she'd gone.
"I'm sorry, did I interrupt something?"
"Not what you're thinking. I'm trying to make new friends. It's never been something that comes easily to me," Maura said. Jane realized that she looked rattled, but at least she hadn't run away yet.
"Right, well, I'm sorry. I was just having a beer and I saw you," she explained, pointing her thumb backwards across the street. The last thing she wanted was for Maura to think she was following her or something. "Would you like to come and join me for a little while?"
"I don't think so," Maura said, pulling the strap of her handbag higher on to her shoulder, looking like she were ready to run now. Who could blame her, Jane thought dejectedly. She hadn't been expecting Maura to stop to talk to her anyway, she'd just had to try. If only she could prolong this moment just a little bit. She'd made so many mistakes and didn't want this to be another one.
She put her hands in front of her in the begging stance. "C'mon, you've already sent off your friend. Just one beer, and then I'll walk you home."
Maura didn't appear to even consider it. "No."
"Please?"
"No. Jane. I'm going home," she said firmly.
"Well then, how about I just walk you home?"
"How about you don't?" Maura said. It was the first time Jane had ever heard her sound sarcastic and she felt put in her place. Maura turned to go, but at the last moment she turned back around. "All right, you can walk me home. But that's it," she added, already leaving. Jane fell into step beside her and tried to keep up with Maura's fast pace.
"Actually, that's not it. You owe me an explanation," Maura said abruptly, turning to face Jane. Jane looked around them awkwardly. Nobody was listening but they were in a very public place; it was not what she pictured when she thought about getting to state her case.
"Here? Can't we talk when we get to your place?"
"Okay, but you're not coming inside."
They passed the rest of the time in silence. Jane watched Maura's face as they rode in the elevator, the tension between them growing with every floor they rose. She thought she might be able to see a blush creeping over Maura's neck. She felt like grabbing Maura; and despite everything that happened she was starting to think that Maura felt the same way. As soon as they stepped out Maura turned to her again, crossing her arms. Jane fumbled, pushing her hands in her pockets. She knew this was probably her one chance and didn't want to blow it. She'd been rehearsing words all of the way here, but they all sounded so stupid in her head.
Maura, obviously tired of waiting for her to take the lead, jumped in with a question. "What has this all been about? You don't make sense Jane, I've looked at it from every angle."
Jane's eyes darted towards her and then away. "I know I don't. Maybe I can't explain it."
"Oh stop being obtuse, Jane. I can't figure out if you really don't know your motivations or if you're just a really poor communicator," she said.
Jane shifted on her feet uncomfortably. Maura didn't sound unkind, she sounded genuinely puzzled. She knew she would be too if she were in her position.
"I guess it's a little bit of both. You have this idea of me, that I'm honorable I think you said, but I'm not like that. I was thinking that I wouldn't be good for you. I was being selfish, and then I realized that," she explained in fits and starts, leaving out the fact that Lauren had pointed out her selishness in a brutal way.
"Have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?"
Jane shrugged, unsure what Maura was driving at. "I guess so?"
"It means that you've been behaving in ways that have caused your prediction to come true. You don't know what the outcome of a relationship between you and I would be. This is about your actions, Jane, and nothing else," she said.
"I know myself. I know what I am and am not capable of, and my feeling at the time was that I'd hurt you," Jane said stubbornly.
Maura stepped up to her, frustrated. "For your information Jane, you didn't spare me any pain. You've already hurt me more than you realize. And if you really cared, you would stop inventing reasons to not be with me."
Jane stared at her. Jane couldn't move, her feet rooted to the spot, and she couldn't think of anything to say. What if I've changed my mind, she wanted to ask, but she knew she wouldn't be able to bear it when Maura said no to her.
"Just answer me one thing. Did something about our last night together discourage you? Did you realize you weren't that attracted to me, is that it?" Maura asked. Her voice was unwavering and confident in the way it had been since they'd run into one another, but Jane could see tell-tale signs that it was a hard question for her to ask.
Jane laughed in disbelief. "That's really not it."
"Don't laugh at me. It's the logical assumption to make. That's the last time we were together. Often people come up with excuses – I'm not ready for a relationship, I've been hurt too much before, variations of the 'it's not you it's me' thing. It's what people say when they don't want the other person," Maura said.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh at you," Jane said quickly. "But you're barking up the wrong tree with that. The way I am when I'm with you – I couldn't fake that." She reached out and put her hand on Maura's arm. When Maura didn't immediately pull away she stroked it upwards, letting it settle on her shoulder. It felt so good to touch her again. She swallowed hard and their eyes locked to one another's.
Maura put a hand on her waist, and then she was being pulled downward, Maura's arms encircling her neck as she came forward to kiss her. Maura's tongue entered her mouth forcefully, now pushing her back against the wall. It was enough to make her light headed, having Maura come at her with such hunger. As soon as she had recovered from the shock she responded quickly, moving her mouth against Maura's, her hands moving up and down Maura's bare arms and shoulders.
When they broke for air Jane was gasping for it. "I'm not complaining but what are you doing?"
"I need to get you out of my system. Just tonight, do you understand? If we don't do this I'll always wonder," Maura whispered the words to her, gazing at her intently, using her hands to frame Jane's face.
Jane nodded. There were a million reasons why this was a bad idea, but she certainly wasn't going to stop it now.
She could feel herself trembling as Maura pushed her hair back from her face to kiss her again. It was different from the other times they'd been together. It had always been passionate but Maura was being almost rough with her now, and she found that it was just what she needed. Maura's hand was at the back of her head, keeping them close as they kissed, Maura's tongue and lips burning into her own.
Maura drew back, apparently remembering that they were still out in the hall and that one of her neighbors might walk past any minute. Breathing hard, she fumbled with her key and unlocked the door. Jane stood behind her, pressing up against her with her hand at Maura's hip, not wanting to lose contact for a minute, and then they were inside.