Yeah I'm a little nervous about posting this one! -M

Ch. 11

I watched as her eyes opened lazily and then look up at me.

I smiled, happy to see her looking more like Olivia and not someone being tortured by pain.

She looked around for the first time realizing where she was.

Back in the hospital, only this time with clarity.

"How long was I asleep?"

"For a little over an hour… You needed the rest."

"My headache's gone."

"They gave you something for it." I said pointing to the bags of fluids above her head.

"How do you feel?"

"A little like shit… How do I look?" She asked, reaching for her cheek.

"A little like shit." I grinned.

She smiled.

She winced forgetting about her face, but she smiled.

"I'm sorry, no time for jokes." I apologized.

"I like your jokes. I think you're funny." She said dryly.

I bit my bottom lip, holding on to my smile.

"Have they said anything?" Olivia asked referring to the tests she went through upon her second arrival to the emergency room.

"Still waiting for the results."

She nodded.

"I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the ass."

"Liv, you have in no way been a pain in the ass! And I'm glad I could be here with you, otherwise I would have been out of my mind and I definitely would have been the pain in the ass!"

She gave me a small appreciative smile, "Thanks Alex".

I returned the smile.

A moment of silence passed.

"Can I get you anything?" I offered.

"You should probably go home, get some sleep yourself."

"You were a bit out of it last night, but I promised you earlier I wasn't going to leave you. You're stuck with me."

"I know you said that." Olivia said, the corner of her mouth turning upwards. "And I'm glad you're here."

I waited for Olivia's protest and for her to insist I go home.

Instead she reached for my hand, holding on.

She looked the other way, her eyes focusing on the wall opposite of me.

"And for the record, I meant what I said earlier, I could never hate you and I don't even know why you would consider that I would." She said seriously.

I sighed.

I know she felt my body collapse in her hand.

Now I was suddenly the one that felt nauseous.

Can we talk about this later?

Please?

I finally got the guts to speak.

"I crossed the line Liv."

"You kissed me Alex, you didn't run over my puppy."

"Your puppy?" I questioned sarcastically.

"It's all I could come up with, give me a break here!"

I smiled.

Then I didn't smile.

"I just really thought you were angry with me. The look on your face the other night... I wasn't sure you would ever want to talk to me again. I fucked up, I fucked up my friendship with my best friend."

"I was stunned Alex…"

"I know, I know and I'm so sorry!"

"I just didn't know you… I didn't know..."

The nurse came in interrupting us.

Olivia's jumbled thoughts were pushed aside along with my hand as the nurse immediately went to Olivia's IV and stopped the timed drips.

"Glad to see you're awake Ms. Benson. Are you feeling ok?"

"Feeling better, thank you." Olivia responded politely.

"Are you changing something?" I asked, watching protectively.

"Have orders to stop the pain medication, but she will finish out the rest of this bag of fluids." The nurse said now pressing more buttons.

"Should we worry about her headache coming back? Is that what caused the nausea?"

Again, protective.

"The doctor should be on her way with the test results. She will be able to explain everything to you both."

That wasn't the most soothing explanation.

Actually it was a shitty explanation.

Luckily the doctor walked in as the nurse was leaving and I didn't have time to introduce her to the interrogation of Alexandra Cabot.

"Ms. Benson, I'm Dr. Jones." She said taking Olivia's hand gently instead of shaking it.

She turned to me.

"Alex." I said shaking her hand.

Who was this doctor? I hadn't seen her before at either hospital visit.

"Ms. Benson…"

"Olivia, please"

"Olivia," she smiled. "Maybe you want to talk privately?"

"No, I'd like Alex to stay."

I gave Olivia a quick smile.

"Olivia, we went over your scans again, everything looks fine. It wasn't until we got to your blood tests that we saw what is causing your body to have such an extreme sensitivity to your concussion and to the pain…. Olivia, you're pregnant."

"What." Olivia and I both echoed.

Did she say she was…

I watched Olivia clench her eyes shut, "oh God," seeped from her lips.

Think Alex. Say something intelligent because Olivia looks like she's about to stroke out.

Maybe it's good we're in a hospital.

Ok. Say something. Say something to the doctor.

"So is the baby ok?" I asked.

Baby.

A baby.

"We will do an ultrasound to make sure everything's ok and to see how far along you are Olivia."

I looked at Olivia.

She wasn't saying anything.

"Do you mind if she has a minute to let this all sync in?" I asked knowing that at any second Olivia may implode.

And I wasn't sure what that implosion may involve.

"Of course. Olivia if you're ok, I'll go order the ultrasound."

Olivia only shook her head to respond.

Dr. Jones, made her way out.

"Shit!"

The word fell from Olivia's mouth the moment the door closed.

The word bounced throughout the room.

I did the only thing I knew to do.

I grabbed her hand in mine and squeezed and began to try and assure her.

"It will all be ok! Liv…"

"How did I do that?" How did I fuck up? All these years… I mean once in college, but God! Alex it's his baby… this is his baby… and I'm too old to be pregnant, and I've been drinking and I got knocked out and they've pumped me with drugs… and, Oh my God…"

Olivia was panicking.

I was not allowed to panic, Olivia was panicking.

"Liv, it's ok! I think the doctor would have brought it up if he had those concerns right away. It's ok. I'm sure everything's fine and everything will be fine."

"It's not fine. Oh my God it's not fine. This is a joke. Alex, this isn't funny."

"Liv it will be ok, everything will be fine."

That was all I knew to say.

To keep repeating it would be ok.

Shit!

A few minutes later the nurse came in, though this time a bit more hesitantly and obviously being informed of how Olivia took the news.

"Ms. Benson would you like to try and sit up for a bit while we're waiting on your ultrasound?"

I knew Olivia would want to sit up, it would be one step closer for her to be able to bolt out of here.

The nurse wasted no time helping Olivia in to a sitting position. I stood by her side ready to grab a trashcan or her if needed.

"I'll let you sit here for a just a minute and get acclimated. Do you feel ok?" The nurse asked.

Oh sure, I'm sure she feels fucking great!

Olivia nodded, "thank you" she said before the nurse left the room again.

I watched her take a deep breath.

"Are you ok?" I asked concerned.

She looked up at me, her eyes dark.

"This is happening so fast. This is happening…" Olivia stopped herself.

I leaned in reaching for her, wrapping my arms around her, holding her as tightly as I could.

I just held her, feeling her sink in to my arms.

When I pulled away tears had fallen, glistening against her bruised cheek.

I was trying not to cry.

I reached for a Kleenex wiping her cheeks as gently as I could.

We sat in silence.

Any small talk or assurance had gone out the window with the word, "pregnant".

I too was having a moment where it all felt like it was going too fast.

She was pregnant.

Pregnant with Brian Cassidy's baby.

Cassidy was God knows where undercover, for God knows how long.

It was a lot to process.

A lot to sort through.

And she obviously wasn't happy to be pregnant with his baby and I can't say I was thrilled either. In love with her or not, I didn't want it to be him because he bailed on her. Bailed on her right in the middle of a relationship, chose a job over her. It didn't say much for what kind of father he would be.

A knock at the door produced a young woman rolling in an ultra sound machine.

"Ms. Benson? I'm Sadie, I'll be assisting Dr. Jones with your ultrasound."

Olivia gave her a faint smile. "Thank you."

That's all the response Olivia seemed to have to anyone, a small forced smile and a thank you.

The ever polite Olivia Benson strikes again.

It was happening so fast… It was happening…

Dr. Jones was back, Olivia was again lying down, her Olive skinned belly exposed from underneath her hospital gown.

"Ok Olivia we're going to check for the position of the baby, and look for a heartbeat."

I reached for Olivia's hand.

It was trembling ever so slightly.

"There we go!" Dr. Jones said as a tiny pulsating blip appeared on the screen. "There's your baby's heartbeat."

I was unsure if the sound of the heart beating was mine or the baby's.

I couldn't imagine what was going through Olivia's head.

I took my eyes away from the screen and looked down at her.

Tears were involuntarily falling from her eyes.

"Olivia, you look to be about seven weeks along."

Seven weeks.

Seven weeks ago she was happy.

She was with Cassidy, she was happy.

It was long before he decided to just up and leave her.

I looked at Olivia and smiled.

"Does everything seem ok?" I asked, unsure if Olivia had anything to say.

"Everything looks good. Olivia you can have an amniocentesis in a few weeks if that's something you want to do. But right now everything looks good and is right on schedule."

Olivia shook her head, the polite smile, the thank you.

As the doctor wiped down her belly I was praying there was happiness somewhere in Olivia's state of shock.

She had wanted a baby for so long.

And though not as she had planned, this was it. This was her chance at what she always wanted.

"Ok we'll see about getting you released, again." Dr, Jones smiled. "Let you get home, in your own bed, so you can get some more rest. Maybe let the days events sink in a little more."

Dr. Jones looked at me and I nodded assuring I would take care of her.

We were left alone again and in silence.

"Hey we'll get you home, we'll figure this out ok."

Olivia looked away from me.

I gathered my thoughts for the millionth time.

"How about you come home with me, sleep in my bed? I think I remember you telling me how good you slept there."

It wasn't a move, it was me, her best friend trying anything to make her feel ok. To help her let this sink in, to accept this baby.

Olivia went to sit up and I helped her, still uncertain if she was dizzy.

She let out a breath, pacing herself.

"Can I borrow those Harvard sweatpants of yours?"

I smiled.

"Absolutely."

"I'll get it together Alex."

"I know! Just need to let it all sink in, get your thoughts together." I assured her.

"Just tell the guys I'm fine. Tell them I had a migraine or it was just symptoms of the concussion ok?"

"Of course."

Olivia took another deep breath.

And once again I wondered if she was trying to muster some sort of happiness.

If she was, it wasn't showing.

I leaned into her once again, wrapping my arms around her, holding on tightly.

I would take her home, to my bed. And given a little time I would do my best to remind her this was all she ever asked for in life.