APOV
Despite the excitement of arriving in a new place, a new city, none of it compared to waking up in Christian's arms.
I know that what we did last night would be looked down upon by most, it would even be shameful to some for the fact that we had shared that special moment before marriage. I did not care what people thought though, I was long past caring what people who do not matter think of me. I am not ashamed of my foot and the way I walk and I am certainly not ashamed of giving myself to Christian.
"Good morning Ana" Christian mumbled, his arms tightening around me.
"Good morning my love" I replied, smiling when he opened his eyes.
He looked down at how close we were, smiling at me also when he no doubt remembered that there was not a stitch of clothing between us.
"How are you, are you sore," he asked.
"I ache a little but it was worth it."
"I have had many perfect moments since I met you Ana, but last night, was beyond words. To be so close to you, to hold you in my arms as you came apart underneath me… why are you blushing now" he laughed, seeing the redness I could feel filling my cheeks.
"Speaking of such things was never done in my parents home. My father would not even give my mother a kiss on the lips if they were in company, even if that company was just my sister and me. I think that is why he complained so much when you came to the house that first time and kissed me in front of them. To be able to speak about such things now is refreshing even if it does make me blush when I think of last night and what happened between us."
"What happened was two people who love each other very much, coming together for the first time. Our love was expressed in more than just kisses but with our bodies as well."
When he spoke this time, there was no blush, there was just a smile, one that was returned.
We stayed in our room until we heard people outside the carriage setting up all the circus tents, knowing we would need to move the animals soon. Before leaving though, there was one thing that I needed to discuss with Christian. A conversation that had our minds not been befuddled with desire the night before, should probably have happened then.
"Making love last night, what would happen if I…."
"Became pregnant" he finished sitting beside me on the bed, taking my hands between his. "Only abstinence would stop that from happening Ana. I believe that is why most wait until after marriage, most but not all. Do you know that I was conceived out of wedlock, my parents, they knew the moment they met that they were going to spend the rest of their lives together so why wait. They never regretted the choices they made and I will never regret any choice we make Ana. Here we live in a different world than those outside the circus, one where love and family come before money or status. If we are ever blessed with a child, no matter when they are born, you will find no happier father than me, no matter our age."
"I love you" I spoke, relaxing at his words as I kissed his lips.
"I love you, Ana, now come, we have a few animals to settle before breakfast."
…
Once all the animals were safely moved to the menagerie, it was my job and also my pleasure to feed Daisy. She was happy and playful to be away from the carriage, spending more time searching me for peanuts than actually eating the food I had put out for her, much to my amusement.
"Are you having fun" Christian laughed, seeing Daisy's trunk come around my waist, lifting me from the ground.
"Daisy is, I am just along for the ride" I laughed as she lifted me so high, I could climb onto her back.
"What a wonderful idea" we heard Carrick say, joining us in the tent.
"What is" Christian asked.
"I would like you, and Ana if you are up to it," he said looking to me. "I want you both to go out into town with Daisy and do the welcome."
"Will mother be riding Pepper ahead," Christian asked him.
"No, I will as always be there but I think seeing Ana riding Daisy through the streets will be the perfect welcome we need."
"What do you think" Christian asked, catching me as I slid from Daisy into his arms.
I know neither of these men would force me or say anything about it if I was not ready. I was though, I was ready to be seen and there was nowhere I felt more comfortable than with Christian and this elephant.
"I cannot wait," I said, seeing both men smile.
"Alright, that is wonderful. I will leave the details between yourselves and I look forward to seeing you both leave here tomorrow with Daisy."
Leaving us alone, Christian wrapped his arm around me, giving me the support that Daisy had been giving only moments before. Tilting my chin up with his finger, my eyes now met his.
"Are you sure, no one will say anything if you want to say no Ana?" he told me.
"I know and knowing that I have that support makes me all the more determined to climb on top of Daisy and ride her through the streets. You have always told me never to hide who I am and I will not Christian. My hiding days are over. I just hope Daisy does not want to take a seat in the middle of the streets as she does in the midway. I might topple from her back if she does."
"I will make sure you are safe and I think Daisy will too. I have noticed she does walk with a slower step when you are near as if she walks at your pace."
"I have noticed that too. That is one thing upon many that I love about animals and especially the animals that are here. They do not stare, they do not judge and they love unconditionally. I would say they are very like their owner who I love very much too."
"I love you, Ana, very much" he whispered before bringing his lips down onto mine.
…
Leaving the menagerie, we joined the others who were enjoying their breakfast, my plate soon filled just like theirs. The topic of conversation was the trouble they had last time they were here and especially one of the locals who had tried it on with one of the girls who worked with Elena.
Just because they offer their own show, and removing their clothes is a part of that show does not mean that these girls do not deserve the same respect as others. Susannah, Leila and some of the others had become good friends of mine and what they do for a living has no bearing on that friendship.
There is a rule they told me, that one does not touch or make the girls uncomfortable. One guest here ignored that rule I hear, being thrown quickly from the tent. Seeing the girl who is no longer travelling with the family on their final day in town, he had taken it upon himself to pull her into an alley with the intention of taking and touching whatever he wanted.
"Luckily Elliot and Luke were in town also," Christian said, pulling me closer to his side.
"Yes, they left the man in a right mess but he deserved the beating he got" Carrick agreed.
"It was worth the night in the cell, it was just a shame that Bell moved on," Elliot said sadly.
"She did not move on, she just took a break. It took a lot of talking to her to make her realise that just because of the job she did, did not mean that he had a right to touch her that way. Bell understands that now and she will be returning to us in the new year, although she did say she will try and see our final show before we break up for winter."
"When did you speak to her," Elliot asked as Christian whispered in my ear that Elliot had a thing for Bell.
"I have written to Bell and when we were in her home town last, Elena and I did visit her. Bell has enjoyed the break but she cannot wait to return. She did say that she is not ready to dance alone yet though so Elena will be putting an act together with a few of the other girls for when she returns. Bell also said she was looking forward to seeing someone special again" Grace smiled looking to Elliot.
"I cannot wait to see her also," he replied.
I could tell from the smile on Christian's face that he was happy for his friend, just like Elliot had been for him when Christian spoke to him about me.
…
That evening when everything was done, we all came together for our evening meal. I do admit that I had definitely needed the hot bath Christian had made up for me in our room earlier, him joining me although it was a bit of a squeeze, especially when he started to massage my tired feet. I would have been ashamed before of anyone looking at my foot let along touching it. With Christian there was no shame there, only love.
"WE ARE HERE ONCE AGAIN" Carrick called out, having silence from those all around. "OUR NUMBERS HAVE GROWN BY ONE SINCE OUR LAST STOP, AND A VERY WELCOME ADDITION TO OUR FAMILY SHE IS TOO," he said, tipping his hat to me, while cheers went up around the group, laughter too as I buried my red face into Christian's chest. "IN ALL SERIOUSNESS NOW, JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER STOP WE HAVE MADE, WE LOOK AFTER EACH OTHER. WE WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THE TROUBLES OF OUR LAST VISIT. WITH THAT AT THE FOREFRONT OF OUR MINDS, WE ARE STILL HERE TO ENTERTAIN, WE ARE STILL HERE TO MAKE OUR GUEST LAUGH AND CHEER BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY WE ARE HERE TO HELP THEM PART WITH THEIR MONEY."
That final part alone had everyone cheering and as I was now part of this family, even me.
"Ana, make sure you come to our tent tomorrow," Susie told me.
"What, why does she need to go there," Christian asked.
"Oh, Christian, not then," Leila said rolling her eyes as he must have thought that the girl's wanted me there when they were doing their evening show.
I do admit spending time in the girl's carriage, nudity or some being topless was something I had grown used too. All the girls shared the same carriage, dancers both in the ring and on the stage. They all got on so well and despite me only being able to dance in my dreams I was welcomed by them all.
"What are we doing in your tent," I asked the girls.
"You are riding Daisy out for the welcome. We can help you get dressed" Leila said.
"Yes, a little sparkle here and there, some makeup" Susie added.
"You are not going to change Ana" Christian asked, worry filling his voice.
"Do not be foolish Christian, Ana is perfect as she is. We are just going to enhance her beauty as it is time for everyone to see what a true star she really is."
I do not think he truly believed them but he has nothing to worry about. This is me, lame foot and all. The young woman Christian fell in love with and I would never do anything to change that.
Cuddling in bed that night, Christian asked me about what the girls would do the next day. My words and kisses silenced any worries he may have had before I fell asleep in my favourite place, his arms.
Morning soon came and along with it the morning chores. Most would grumble at getting up at an early hour but I enjoyed being able to contribute if only a little. I welcomed having something to occupy my time instead of staring from a window to the empty tracks far below waiting for the day to come when Christian would return. There is no more waiting for me, so with excitement to start the day, I kissed a sleeping Christian and slipped from the bed.
Leaving the carriage, it was quiet in the back yard, most still sleeping unless they had a job in the cookhouse getting breakfast ready for the hungry hoards. I was using a crutch Clifford had given to me, one that was originally part of his clown act as I carefully made my way to the menagerie, trying not to stumble on the way as I was welcomed by a trumpet from Daisy. The crutch was too big for my size but it was all I had for now.
"Shh, girl. You will wake everyone this morning and I was hoping to let Christian sleep."
I heard a purr then, no growl yet from my little girl as Cora came to greet me too. Growler and Hera had had their heads up as soon as I entered the tent but seeing it was me, they did not move closer to protect their cub.
They did look around to see where Christian was but once they had food, that was soon their priority.
"You should have woken me," Christian said, joining me what must be an hour later, pulling a piece of hay from my hair.
"You are always up so early, I thought I would let you sleep. Most of the jobs are done, I did try and clean out the cat's pen but Growler was in a playful mood with Cora and decided they were going to throw all their bedding everywhere."
"That does not surprise me" he laughed, looking at Cora lay in all the hay.
"Do we have a veterinarian as part of the circus?" I asked.
"No why, is everything ok."
"It is just Bob, he seems to have a runny nose. Maybe that is a normal thing for camels but he does not normally sneeze when I go near to him."
I watched Christian make his way over to Bob who he agreed did have a runny nose. Calling Carrick in who had been speaking to Jason and Merlin about being out there also during the welcome, he agreed with Christian that a veterinarian should be called.
Breakfast as always was a noisy affair apart from Christian who was quiet, his mind no doubt on Bob. Those animals are his, big and small and he was protective of them all, especially when one was sick.
I was able to speak to Grace quietly before everyone went their separate ways, handing her the letter that I had been writing these past few days to my mother. She was going into town this morning so had promised to send it for me. I did worry about my mother especially with what happened before she left. I missed our conversation's also, going from being able to speak to her every day to not at all. I wanted her to know that I was alright, that I was happy and I was loved. I need to know that she was happy also and she had reached my aunt where I know she will be safe from him.
When the veterinarian arrived, Christian left me with a kiss before I walked slowly with Elena to the girl's tent. This is what I love about those here, no one rushes me and there is no criticism when I am having a slow day.
"Can I ask you something, although you do not have to answer?" I said, making Elena laugh.
"Ask anything, my child, anything at all."
"Why do you do the job that you do, not that I think there is anything wrong with it."
"Why do I take my clothes off in a room full of men," she asked.
"Yes."
"We have very similar fathers, you and I Ana. Can I ask you something" she said, seeing my nod. "Did your father ever hurt you, beat you."
"No, I was ignored, hidden away."
"I would think that can be just as painful to a child as the strike of a hand or a stick."
I winced when she said that, knowing that although his words and behaviour to me was painful, he never struck me, my mother I think would have killed him.
"He, your father, he hit you."
"Many times" she sighed. "My mother died of sickness when I was a small child. He never wanted me so I became the noose around his neck that he could not get rid of. He always drank even when my mother was alive, that only got worse after her death. First, it was his hand, then his belt, even the stick he used to get about on when he drank too much. For years I put up with this, hiding away as much as I could. I found comfort in food, something else when my weight started gaining that he could bully me about. Reaching fifteen though, I found my way out" she told me smiling. "The circus came to town. Back then it was old man Trevelyan's circus. It was a lot smaller than this then, no large animals like there are now, no this had more people performers apart from the horses and camels. The day it was leaving, I climbed aboard having no clue where I was going, only that it had to be better than what I was leaving behind."
"They obviously let you stay," I stated.
"Yes, it was Grace who found me first, hiding away with all the animal feed. She hid me at first, bringing food to me but then one day before we were due to stop in a new town, her mother found me. I was terrified thinking they were going to throw me from the train or worse, raise their hand to me. When I cried though instead of harsh words or pain, she wrapped me in her arms and told me everything would be alright. Some of my marks were still raw, scars covering my body. I think Theodore wanted to turn the train around and give those scars to my father but I was too terrified to go back there again."
"Did he find you?" I asked as we approached the girl's tent.
"He did not even look. When we went back to town two years later, some recognised me, I even saw him but never approached. I had a family now, one who not only had my scarred back but they protected all of me… now you know my story, that does not really tell you why I dance though" she laughed.
"No, although I can understand that being here would give you the freedom to do as you wish."
"It does. I first started helping out in the cookhouse but I loved to watch the dancers rehearse, the dancers you see in the ring that is. One of the dancers, Leona, she pulled me up one day from where I had been sitting in the stands and started dancing with me. My mother had made sure I had dance and ballet lessons when I was young. Those moves had not really left me, so I could move despite my large size. I found it easy to do the dances they did, only not so easy was it to dance in a big top full of people. There was no pressure to perform from my new circus family, I took it at my own pace and when I did dance out there with the others, it was one of the greatest moments of my life. I felt a freedom I had never felt before although it was not long before the comments came. There were some about my weight and that my scars that were visible through my costume were scaring the children, one mother even calling me a freak."
"I have been called that before, by my own sister in fact… I told her I was proud of being different, that was before I threw my broken cane at her which bopped her on the head."
"I love your style" she laughed. "Their words did nothing to deter me from dancing and when an opening came available in the private tent, I asked if I could fill it. I was not ashamed of who I was and if people did look away, that was on them not me and they had already paid their entrance fee so it did not matter what they thought. Being out there, dancing, I am in my own world. Any initial gasps at my body soon turned to cheers when I started to move. Yes, I am older and much larger than the other girls but even big girls can dance and those men sure do get turned on."
Laughter left my lips, not just at her words but at being able to have a conversation such as this. This place, these people give everyone the chance to be themselves and despite missing my mother, I would not want to live anywhere else.
"Ana, Ana, Ana," Susie said, clapping each time she said my name as we entered the tent.
"Should I run now" I laughed at their excitement.
"You could try" Leila laughed. "Do not worry, if there was ever a need for you to get away from somewhere quick, we will carry you if we need to" she added, bringing a tear to my eyes.
"Hey, no tears, you left them all behind," Susie told me.
"I know," I told them, rubbing my eyes. "These are happy ones believe me. I am so happy that I am here, I got to meet you all and I have found such good friends, all of you" I said, smiling to Elena too.
"You are with friends but also with family," Elena told me before leaving me with the girls.
My hair had been styled I think as, at present, they will not let me see my reflection in the mirror. I had a tiara on top of my head, one that held a feather, an identical one I have been told to one Daisy will be wearing in a little while. The dress I wore stopped just above my feet but with a split up to my knee, I would find it easy to move, well as easy as it could be as I tried to walk with an oversized crutch.
When I was finally able to look in the mirror, I could not believe what I saw. I looked, I looked, I looked like I would not have looked out of place at one of my father's parties, no I looked too good to be at such an event as that.
When I emerged from the tent on Elena's arm, having left the crutch behind I was greeted to the sight of Christian who was waiting with Daisy. I could do nothing but giggle at that moment, at the stunned look on his face.
"Ana," he whispered, stepping forward to me and offering me his arm.
Smiling to Elena, I kissed her cheek before I took hold of Christian's arm and Daisy's trunk when she brought it towards me.
"Do I look alright?" I asked, making his steps falter for a moment.
"Ana, there is not an accurate word in existence to describe how beautiful you are. I understand what Leila was saying earlier about not changing what is already there. You are the most perfect, most exquisite, most…...see, I have no words."
"I love you" I laughed.
"I love you, Ana. Now come, we have quite a few excited people waiting for us in town I hear."
"I look forward to it… How is Bob" I asked.
"He will be fine, a little cold," the veterinarian said.
"I am glad he will be alright….Daisy, down" I spoke the command as Daisy lay down enough that I could climb onto her back.
"How, oh I am not even going to ask," Carrick said, obviously missing out on a few bits of my training with Daisy.
"Just go with it father" Christian laughed as I was soon on top of Daisy who was standing once again to her full height.
Like always, her trunk came up to me to which I deposited a few peanuts inside. They were quickly moved to her mouth before her trunk came up for more. Christian got Daisy's attention then as I patted her head telling her there were no more yet. When her trunk came up again, it was my turn to gasp at what she held.
I took the beautifully carved cane from her, trying to forbid the tears from coming to my eyes.
"You made this," I asked Christian quietly.
"Yes, I have seen you struggling a few times Ana, even with the crutch. I do not want to see you in any pain."
I looked carefully at it, seeing the daisies carved beautifully into the wood.
"I love it, and I love you, thank you."
"You are very welcome my love."
As the gates were open ahead of us, I could hear a cheer grow from the waiting crowd. I was not nervous, a little chilly maybe with the dress that I wore but as we started moving through the open gates the smiles on the children's faces, warmed me up.
I had heard Carrick ahead, his booming voice giving his welcome. Around us, as we started to walk through the streets, Daisy and I did not only have Christian with us but Elliot, who was walking on the other side. Around us was Jason, Merlin and Clifford along with some of the top dancers who showed everyone a little bit of what was to come if they came along to the show. I waved to everyone, so much so that my arm ached before long. It was worth it though, knowing I was helping this new family of mine in any way that I could.
I had gained quite a few male admirers along the way much to Christian's annoyance. Using the cane that I held tightly in my grasp, I tapped him on the shoulder before blowing him a kiss when he looked my way.
Seeing the smile I received Christian knew I was showing them all who my heart belonged to, just like his belonged to me.
As we finished the welcome, making our way back to the gates, the line to the ticket office was already long, everyone excited for the shows in the days ahead.
"We should have you out there Ana every welcome, look at that queue," Carrick said, pointing to all the excited people outside who were clambering for tickets.
"I am glad I could do something to help," I told him, sliding from Daisy's side to be caught by Christian.
"You were perfect Ana," Christian told me, placing a kiss to my lips.
"We make a good team," I said, kissing him back before a giggle left my lips when I felt Daisy looking for pockets and peanuts. "You will find no room for anything but me in this dress Daisy."
Christian gave her the peanuts he had, relinquishing Daisy to Luke as I stood being held by Christian while in one hand I held my new cane.
Having that freedom, to be able to support myself was to me, priceless. Seeing the smile on Christian's face as I kissed the tip of the cane, I knew him above all the others knew how much that independence meant to me.
…
With my job with Daisy done for the day and dinner over, the midway was about to open. I was trying out yet another job this evening. I was helping out on the souvenir stand, most of it tat Christian called it but once the gates were open, it sure was being bought up. There were soft elephants and lions, small hoops similar to the large ones the acrobats used and so many small items that either had the name of the circus on or one of the animals that were here. Everyone wanted something to remember their time here despite not even stepping inside the top yet. What they wanted they got and they were happy to pay for it.
"At this rate, we will be running out of stock," I told Amy who was helping out with me.
"Do not worry, we have a car full of this stock. If we run low, Carrick will be sure to have more delivered to our next stop" she laughed.
"You were in town today," a little girl said, gripping my hand. "You were on the wellyphant."
"Elephant, Carla, Elephant," her mother told her.
"That was me and I like wellyphant," I said, seeing the little girl and her mother smile. "You have a beautiful name, that is also my mothers."
"Does she ride a wellyphant too?" she asked me.
"Not yet but one day maybe I will get her to ride atop of Daisy."
"Daisy, that is the wellyphant's name," Carla said excitedly and just thinking her name made my heart ache for my mother.
I have no regrets in leaving, I just wish she had come along too.
….
"Did someone say something to you," Christian asked, his arm wrapped around me as we walked back towards the carriage saying good evening to those we passed in the back yard.
"No, nothing like that. It was just..."
"Just what Ana, speak to me please," he said, turning to stand in front of me and stopping us where we were.
"There was a little girl out there today, called Carla who was excited to see the Wellyphant. Hearing her name, it just made me miss my mother that is all."
"You regret coming," he asked.
"No," I told him, placing my finger to his lips. "No never. I belong here with you Christian, there is no other place for me than here by your side. We prepared for your arrival, spending as much time together as we could, knowing the day would come when I would leave with you. It is just sometimes I will turn to say something to her but she is not there. I miss my mother very much but I think it is the not knowing how she is doing that is making my heart ache to speak to her more. He is a cruel man, one I fear will not let my mother go so easily. Once I know she is alright and safe, I will feel better in myself and the distance apart may not feel so far."
"My mother sent your letter."
"She did, I will just have to wait for her reply."
"Your mother, just like you will not want to wait long to see how you are doing. I believe, I hope that when we arrive at our next stop, there will be a letter waiting for you."
"I hope so. Just as I longed to read your written words, I now long to read hers."
"Come, do not worry. From what you have told me of your aunt and her husband, if there was any trouble they will be sure to sort it out."
"That is true, especially my uncle. My father has had a few bloody noses from him."
"I suspect if your father tries to upset your mother in any way, he will be receiving a few more too."
Christian's words did put me at ease, especially when I thought of my uncle Tom and how much he hated my father. Now I felt a little lighter, my heart aching not so much I was happy to take a seat with Jason and Gail while Christian went to our room to retrieve his guitar.
Seeing him play, hearing his voice as he sang before others joined in, showed me how much Christian belonged here. As I laughed, joining in and making up my own words to songs I had never heard before, it confirmed how much I belonged here too.
Thank you for reading, following and reviewing.
Some mentioned in the last chapter the lack of condoms. Despite them being invented around the time the story is based, I have no clue as to how readily available or how expensive they would have been then. Leading the life they lead, I think condoms would be the last thing on any of their minds. A child will be born but I don't see that child at the moment until the epilogue.
Until next time, take care.
Caroline.