Chapter 11: Deep in Death
When Alexis wakes up on the couch, she is in more of a seated position than a lying down one. Lux is sitting hunched forward, with her elbows propped on her knees, watching the news on the TV. Alexis remembers Lux being awake just before she fell asleep and wonders if she slept at all. When she takes a closer look at her surroundings she has to guess no. Lux has already changed out of her pajamas, which Martha basically had to force both of them to change into, stating that protesting sleep or sleepwear would not bring anyone their parent home quicker. Along with the change in attire, a cereal box is placed on top of the counter, though there is no sign Lux actually ate any, her hair is wet from a shower, and both of their phones are plugged into chargers. Alexis has to wonder at what point Lux thought their phones were dead based on the lack of ringing.
She looks at the TV and realizes that, at an early 5:47 in the morning, she has only been asleep for about four hours. She thinks about speaking to get Lux's attention, but she doesn't know what to say. As if Lux could sense Alexis looking at her, Lux turns around. Alexis straightens a bit, "Did Beckett call?"
"Um, no," Lux says, her lips parting showing her bottom teeth.
Alexis presses her lips together and closes her eyes, but it isn't until her cheeks start pinking up, that Lux quickly sits next to Alexis. She wraps her arm around Alexis' shoulders. She feels awkward doing it, but she knows it's the right thing to do. Eventually, Alexis leans her head against Lux's shoulder and Lux leans her head on top of Alexis'. They stay like that for a while, before Alexis says, "I'm sorry."
Lux coughs from almost laughing, "Why?"
Alexis laughs a little, "I don't know, it's bit little weird."
"It's kind of uncomfortable," Lux says, referring to the warmth they have produced from sitting so closely.
A sound crushes the little bit of lightheartedness they had let into their mood. They both startle and look towards their phones, but when they hear it again they realize it's a knocking at the door. Lux gets off the couch and slowly walks towards the door. They were given strict instructions not to open the door, but that doesn't stop Lux from putting on a fearless front and approaching the door. Lux cautiously looks through the peephole.
"We're not supposed to open the door," Alexis chimes, as less of a reminder or warning and more of a statement. Lux backs up when she sees who it is. She turns to Alexis with a serious face.
"Who is it?" Alexis asks, suddenly worried.
"It's Fern," Lux responds. She slowly gets closer to the door and starts unlocking the locks.
"Wait, Lux-" Alexis tries to stop her, but is cut off by her opening the door to invite Fern in.
"Lux…" Fern seems surprised by the fact that she opened the door.
Now off the couch, Alexis is standing just a few feet away, watching the scene play out cautiously awaiting a problem.
"What are you doing here?" Lux asks with only the littlest hint of being defensive.
"Is Detective Beckett here?"
"Beckett isn't here," Alexis answers.
"Can you call her?"
"It might take a while," Lux tries to use as an excuse for Fern to come back later.
"I can wait," Fern assures them both.
Lux clicks the bottom of her jaw, and Alexis sees it, so she plasters on a smile and invites her in, "Of course."
Lux walks back over to the couch, involuntarily guiding Fern.
"I'll call Beckett," Alexis says.
As she turns to go into Castle's office, Martha appears at the top of the stairs. Alexis must look confused by her appearing there, because Martha justifies it by saying, "I heard someone come in."
When Martha reaches the last couple of steps, Alexis subtly points and whispers, "Fern's here."
"That can't be good," Martha says.
Alexis pleads, "I'm going to call Beckett." Martha shoes her to go into the bedroom and goes to the living room to make her presence known.
Alexis goes into Castle and Beckett's room and slowly closes the door. She pulls her phone out of her pocket and quickly searches for Beckett's number. Her adrenaline is making her cheeks feel like they are on fire, as she impatiently taps her finger against her phone. Beckett's cell phone goes straight to voicemail, probably because she hasn't been home to charge it. At a second thought, Alexis thinks she probably turned it off, after two hundred guests were vaguely told that the wedding was cancelled. She tries her work phone, which just keeps ringing over and over again. She whispers to herself, "Come on." She hurriedly calls Esposito's desk, but it incessantly rings just like Beckett's did.
She then calls Ryan, who answers within two rings, "Detective Ryan."
"Hey, it's Alexis."
"Alexis?" His voice changes to an empathetic tone.
She rushes ignoring Ryan's worry, "Where's Beckett?"
"Hang on," he says, followed by silence.
Beckett's voice breaks the silence, "Alexis?"
"Can you come home?"
"Is something wrong?"
"Fern's here."
"What?!" Beckett hadn't seemed worried until then.
"Just come home."
"Yeah, okay." Beckett can hear in Alexis' voice that she had wanted her to come home before Fern got her there.
When Beckett hangs up, Alexis moves to leave the room, but stops. She walks over to the bed, sits down and takes in the room for a second. She takes a few breaths, gets up, and leaves the room. She really wanted to curl up on the bed and just stay there, but she feels like she needs to be an adult right now.
…
When Kate arrives at the loft, just a little under an hour later, Alexis swings open the door just as Kate was about to put her key in. She practically pulls Kate into the door and whispers, "Finally."
Fern stands up from her seated spot on the couch when Kate enters. Lux stays seated on the couch as Kate walks over to greet Fern. "Hello Detective Beckett," Fern greets. Beckett grimaces a bit, not really being a fan of any prefixes these days.
"Is there anywhere we can go, to talk in private?" Fern asks, gingerly.
Kate actually hadn't been to the loft since they left for the Hamptons. Alexis, Martha, and Lux got her clothes from the Hampton's house and she hasn't slept since then. It feels cold. Martha must notice that she's gotten a bit caught up in everything, because she answers the question for her, "No, you guys can stay here. We will go upstairs." All three of them walk upstairs, some more reluctant than others.
When Kate and Fern sit down, Kate asks, "Do you mind me asking, what you're doing here?"As soon as she says it she can almost hear Castle warning her to be less defensive.
Fern looks down for a second then admits, "I heard about Mr. Castle. I'm so sorry."
She sounds genuinely sorry, still Kate can hear the 'but…' coming, "Thank you."
Fern takes a deep breath then proceeds, "That being said, Child Services is worried about Lux's safety." Honestly, Kate did too.
"I'm also a little worried, that when I got here, you weren't anywhere to be seen." Kate grits her teeth, which Fern sees, but she goes on anyways, "Look Kate, it was my day off and I want to be here less than you but a coworker told me that CPS ordered Lux's custody arrangement to be revised, so I asked my boss if I could come instead of someone else."
For a second it seems like Kate is about to make another argument, Fern warns, "Kate, I wouldn't," Kate seems to soften when she looks into Fern's eyes, so she continues, "I've already tried to fight this and I wouldn't be here if I didn't have too."
Kate swallows and squints a little, "What about Tasha?"
"The coworker who called me is picking her up and taking her to a foster home instead of back to Sunnyvale, by my request."
"And Lux?"
"She's going to another girls' group home, also by my request. The home's called First Amistad. She's not great in girl's homes, but that way it will be easier for her to be put back in your custody."
Kate takes a second and looks to the stairs, biting her thumb nail. She turns back to Fern, "I'll go talk to her."
"Take your time."
Kate gets up and walks over to the stairs. When she looks up after taking a few steps, she is surprised to see Lux at the top of them. She breathes, "Hey…"
Lux cocks her head to the side, sucking in part of her bottom lip. Kate can see it before Lux even moves a little bit. "Lux," Kate warns so quietly it seems like a plea. Lux instantaneously breaks her eye contact with Kate and quickly runs to her room. Kate runs after her and reaches her door as soon as it slams shut followed by the turning of a lock. "Lux!"
"No!" Lux whines on the other side of the door. "They're going to take me away, so I need to pack and leave and the only way I can do that is if you and Alexis and-" Lux catches for a second almost listing off Castle, "and Martha are on that side of the door," She finishes with some confidence. This is followed by fifteen minutes of silence from both of them. When Lux finishes packing up her stuff, she takes a deep breath and opens the door. She looks on both sides of the door for Kate but she's not there. She walks down the hallway before grabbing what was on top of her suitcase and going and putting it next to her closed bedroom door. She wonders if her room is still her room if she's not there. She walks over to the stairs and sees Kate sitting on them, right where she was fifteen minutes ago. Kate's lips are pressed against her knuckles and when she sees Lux, she turns her head to rest it on her fist.
Lux walks over and sits next to Kate. She doesn't say anything but she puts her head on top of Kate's shoulder. Kate doesn't know who she is trying to comfort by doing this, until Lux rubs her eyes on Kate's shoulder. She has had Lux for four months now and this is the first time she feels like her mom and that is what hurts the most. She grabs Lux's hands and squeezes them. After no longer than a minute, Lux pulls away. She gets up and grabs her suitcase. Lux gives Kate a rather pathetic smile.
Kate rubs her necklace against her chest and asks, "You ready?"
"Yeah," Lux says with a large amount of assurance and coldness.
Kate holds out her hand to take the suitcase and Lux leads it over to her, taking the duffel bag off the top. Soon after, they both walk down the stairs, Martha and Alexis come down the stairs as well. Fern walks over to the door, not to hurry them, but to continue giving them their space. Kate rolls the suitcase over to Fern, which makes them look like they are lining up to say their goodbyes.
Martha hugs Lux first, "Come back soon, okay?" Lux smiles in response and nods.
Alexis is next a couple feet away. Alexis hugs her so hard Lux thinks she might break a rib. "Behave Lux and call when you can, okay?"
"Of course," Lux says, offering another smile.
Lastly, there is Kate. Lux walks up to her slowly. Kate lowers her head to meet her eyes and says, "I'm going to fix this. I promise."
Lux raises her eyebrows to make the same face, but when she does it makes her look skeptical. Kate realizes that this time she's not being skeptical, as much as she is trying to challenge her. A hopeful and maddening, prove it.
Lux walks away over to Fern, grabs her suitcase, and smiles a sarcastic smile, which Kate almost forgot existed, "Let's go."
Fern smiles, "Okay." She opens the door to let the teenager lead the way. Before leaving Fern turns to Kate, "I will be in touch."
Once Fern has gently shut the door, Kate turns around to see Martha and Alexis standing just a few feet away, staring at her. She looks at both of them, before looking down and thumbing her palm.
"We can call Ryan and Esposito and tell them that you can't-" Alexis starts strong, trying to be comforting, but by the end she is quiet and unconfident.
"No, um," Beckett runs her fingers through her hair so that it is out of her face and so that she can see them, "I'm gonna go back to the precinct."
"Katherine, don't be silly," Martha says.
Beckett grabs her jacket off the back of the couch and starts putting it on. At the same time Alexis argues, "You don't have to leave."
Beckett smiles short smile at them, "I've got to go. I'm sorry."
Before anyone can say anything else she walks out the door and she gets all the way to her car before she lets herself cry.
Two Weeks Later
Kate had just taken off her work clothes and dressed down into a gray NYPD t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, when she hears a knock on her apartment door. When she answers it, Alexis walks in not waiting to be invited, in fact waiting doesn't even seem to cross her mind. Kate turns and asks, "Alexis, what are you doing here?"
"Well I found this," Alexis says a bit nervously, searching through her purse and handing over Lux's teddy bear. Kate is about to reach for it when Alexis tosses it on the couch. "Look, I know it's been a while and I really wanted to give you your space, but I've been doing some research and I think I may have figured out a way for you to get Lux back," Alexis finishes with so much excitement and energy.
"I don't know-"
"I know it's a lot of logistical stuff, but if I'm right you could possibly get Lux back by the end of the week and- wait," Alexis stops, her brain registering what Beckett said. "Do you not know about this?" She asks, pulling out a packed folder out of her purse.
"I don't think I should try to get Lux back," Kate says with a tone of assurance she doesn't really have.
"What?" Alexis tosses the folder on the couch she was just about to sit on to show Kate what she had found.
"Alexis," Kate pleads, trying to make the inevitable debate stop before it begins.
"No!" Alexis snaps. She stops herself to really think about if she wants to start a fight with her. She compromises with a calmer voice, when she argues, "But, you're her mom."
"Alexis, my life is a disaster. If CPS says I shouldn't have Lux, don't you think they're right, that maybe Lux is better off."
Coming back with a little more aggression this time, Alexis argues, "You know that's not true."
"I lost everything. Adding her back into my mess does not seem like a good idea, and against popular belief I am not Lux's mom. For the last sixteen years she has been fine without one and seems pretty content that way. I am not her mom, and I sure as hell am not Tasha's mom and I'm definitely not yours either," Kate stares at her, unsure of if she regrets what she said.
Alexis swallows, taking a moment to try to compose herself. After a second, she very bluntly says, "You didn't lose anything, Kate. You let everything go. I lost everything. You think that my dad buried you in a hole and you can't get out." She stops for a second to just look at Kate to try to read her mind. "You're scared… I've never seen you back down and that's because I've never seen you scared. But hell, I'm scared and here I am." Alexis grabs the folder on the couch, "I told Lux, you wouldn't let her go, because like it or not you are her mother, which I think you do," Alexis holds out the papers for Kate to take. "Show me I'm right, because I need to know Beckett's here. I need to be right."
Kate looks at Alexis for a moment longer, before she grabs the papers from Alexis' hand. She starts paging through the papers, seeing that she has her work cut out for her. She looks up at Alexis and she is smiling in relief. She smiles back at her, pushes her hair behind her ear, and says, "Okay. Where do we start?"
1 Week Later
Another day has come and gone, another rather hopeless day that is. Beckett went to work, gaining no leads on Castle's whereabouts, and Fern had failed to call her back in the last two days. The last time she talked to Fern, she kindly explained that CPS is reviewing Lux's and Tasha's placing and that it certainly helped that Beckett has 'distanced' herself from Castle's disappearance. Distancing being a rather generous word for a woman investigating her fiancée's disappearance from their wedding day, but CPS doesn't need to know that.
She pulls her phone out of her pocket, before plopping down on her couch. She sees she has a missed call from her dad and Fern, so she decides to call her dad first, because if it's bad news she would rather hear it from him. It rings a few times and just before the voicemail beeps there is a knock on the door. She gets up to answer the door as she leaves him a message, "Hey dad it's me. I haven't heard from Fern or you in a while so call me when-Lux…" She quickly hangs up her phone, when she opens the door to see Fern and more importantly Lux.
"Come in," Kate says, welcoming them both into her apartment despite still being in shock.
Fern smiles at Kate, trying to hide the fact that she practically has to push Lux into the room. Fern lightly pushes Lux forward, in front of her, and starts, "She's yours. I don't know how you did it, but she is officially in your custody again."
Kate's smile quickly spreads across her face. She looks over to Lux, who is sitting on the couch and strictly focused on the pillow on her lap. When Kate realizes Lux's lack of enthusiasm, she smothers her smile and looks back to Fern. She squints, "What about Tasha?" This seems to get Lux's attention. Maybe Lux isn't as angry as she seems, or maybe she is and she just wants to know.
Fern puts on a more serious expression. "Natasha is still in a foster home. As of right now she's going to remain there, but I promise she is fine. I have personally checked on her and she really seems to love it there."
With a smile, Kate skeptically asks, "Really?"
"No," Fern laughs, "But she seems to at least appreciate the being fostered as opposed to Sunnyvale."
Lux huffs from the living room as if to say duh, well it's that or to suggest a hint of jealousy for having to have been in a girl's home for the last three weeks. They both turn at the sound of Lux's 'remark'. Fern turns to Kate, "You two have a lot of catching up to do." Fern turns to walk towards the door and Kate follows. Once they reach the door, Fern turns to Kate and warns, "You are on probation with CPS so if anything changes you have to tell me, okay?"
"Of course," Kate replies ignoring that she is already lying to CPS and Fern.
Fern smiles, "Good luck."
Kate smiles a bit, this time a little out of fear, "Thank you."
When she shuts the door behind Fern she slowly walks into the living room, but when she gets there, Lux is nowhere to be seen. "Lux?"
"What?"
Kate turns around to see Lux standing in the kitchen. She takes a few steps forward, but cautiously. She wrings her fingers still keeping herself at a distance, "How are you?"
"I'm great," she nods, overflowing with sarcasm.
Not wanting to push her Kate changes the topic. "You can sleep in the bedroom and I'll sleep on the couch," Kate says pointing to the room than the couch in the living room.
"You're so sweet," Lux mockingly replies.
Kate gives an unsatisfactory smile and turns to go make the bed for Lux. Then thinks she needs to push her, so she turns to face Lux, "Are you mad at me?"
"No, it's just something Fern told me," Lux says sarcastically, "She told me how amazing it was that you were able to put a rush on getting me back. That you must know people in high places because you got me back in just one week."
"I-"
"It's just weird because, I'm pretty sure I was at First Amistad three times that long."
"Lux, I needed time-"
"Time for what? To decide you want to be my mom still? But, no, first you needed a break from me. I get it."
"I needed to dig myself out of my own mess, before I brought you into it. Trust me, Lux, I wanted you."
"I was trusting you. I triedtrusting you, forgiving you, but," Lux says with an 'I was so stupid' laugh, "But then I just sat in that home wondering what was it this time? What did I do wrong for you not to want me, again?" With tears running down her face, the words spill out of her in an uncontrollable way that burns like fire.
"I had to get my head on straight."
Lux squints, as her cheeks turn a bright pink, "I'm sure you had a- a really hard time this last month, but soon you need to decide if you want me, because I can't do this anymore, the waiting… and hoping that my mom will choose me." She presses her lips together and swallows. With her head down she grabs her bags and goes to the bedroom. Before closing the door, she turns back and in an infuriatingly cold way says, "Good night, Kate."
This kid is going to kill her! Kate walks over to lie down on the couch. Lux hates her and can't trust her and she doesn't know how to fix that. She moves Lux's teddy bear to one of the other chairs. She wants Lux, but how does she prove that? She can't just keep doing this, because this doesn't seem to be working. She throws one of the throw pillows on to the ground a little harder than she means to, causing it to slide across the floor all the way into the front hall. None of this seems to be working. Ignoring the pillow completely, she takes the union jack pillow and puts it at the arm of the couch, where her head will be. She lies down and immediately squeezes her eyes shut. When she relaxes just a little and begins to calm her thoughts, the first thing that comes to mind is Castle. I think you are the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating person I've ever met. And then she realizes why Lux is getting under her skin so easily, Lux is exactly like she is and she hates it.