Chapter 11: Slowing Down

AJ woke up bright and early the next morning. She didn't start class until nine but she'd been restless all night and finally decided to get out bed and start getting ready at six thirty. She'd showered, gotten dressed, brushed and braided her hair, and had a bagel and fruit for breakfast all by seven thirty. Her bag had been packed and ready to go for the last couple days. Since there was nothing else to do, she decided to go to campus early. She stopped by the bookstore café and bought herself a small coffee which she knew would take her half the morning to finish. She wasn't much of a coffee drinker but she liked trying out different flavors and sometimes she needed the boost. She walked around campus for a while before heading over to the communications building. Her first class was public speaking which she hoped would be a breeze for her. Her job at the coffee shop required quite a bit of speaking with the public but she wasn't much for giving speeches. She hoped it wouldn't be too difficult. It was only eight thirty so she sat on the bench outside her lecture hall and waited for class to start. A few minutes later her phone started to ring. Of course, it was Amanda calling.

"Hi" she answered.

"Hey. Just calling to wish my best girl good luck on her first day of class".

"Thank you" she said sweetly.

"Nervous?"

"A little" she admitted.

"Don't be" she said simply. "You're gonna do great. Anyways, it's just the first day so things shouldn't be too difficult".

"Ok".

"Be social. Make friends. It'll help later if you need help in any of your classes or want to do a study group or if you miss a day and need notes or something".

"Talk to people" AJ said with a nod, "Got it".

"And try to sit up front" she suggested, "Let your professors see you. It'll be better for you if you ever need to ask for anything, like an extension on an assignment. They'll be more inclined to give it if they see you attend class regularly, sit up front, pay attention, and turn in all your other work on time".

"Ok. I'll sit as close as I can". She saw the door to her classroom open and people start to go inside. "My class is open now" she said starting to end the conversation with Amanda.

"Ok. Well good luck. Have fun. Call me when you're done with all your classes, ok? Let me know how your day went".

"Ok, I will".

"Ok. Bye. I love you" she said without thinking. She could've slapped herself for the slip up but it was out there now. There was no taking it back. AJ was stunned by Amanda's admission. It had caught her completely off guard.

"Uh, ummm…." She stuttered, stumbled over her words.

"I'm sorry, AJ" Amanda said quickly apologized. "I didn't mean to say that out loud. It just slipped out".

"It's okay. You don't have to apologize".

"I just, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable".

"I'm not" she said with a soft chuckle.

"And you don't have to say it back" she quickly added. "It won't hurt my feelings, I promise".

"Ok. Well, I have to go. I'll call you later. Bye".

"Bye". With that, they hung up the phone and AJ went into her lecture hall, grabbing a seat near the front as Amanda had suggested. She turned her phone on vibrate so it wouldn't ring in case anyone called her. Just before class was about to start, she got a text from Lily wishing her good luck. She quickly texted her thanks then put her phone away. Amanda was sitting at her desk kicking herself for letting the three word sentiment slip out of her mouth. She sat her cell on her desk and rubbed her temples.

"What's up with you?" Fin asked. She shook her head.

"Nothing. I just made a complete idiot of myself, that's all".

"Whatchu talkin' about?"

"You didn't hear?" He shook his head. "I was talking to AJ…."

"Yeah and?"

"I told her I loved her" she said softly. Fin started to laugh. "It's not funny" she said embarrassed. "I didn't mean to say it. It just came out".

"Did she say it back?" he asked. She shook her head. "Ouch".

"I told her she didn't have to".

"Um hum".

"We haven't been dating long".

"But you love her?" Amanda just smiled and shrugged her shoulders. "What's…" he asked mimicking her smile and shrug. She laughed.

"I….I" she was hesitant to say it aloud because they had only been together for a short time. But she did feel very strongly for AJ and now that she was a part of her life she couldn't imagine what it'd be like without her. She could make an endless list of things she loved about her but she didn't know if she should say she loved her.

"You what?" Fin asked, prompting her to go on.

"I love a lot of things about her and I don't want to think about losing her. I…I've been thinking about asking her to move in with me but I know she'd say no. She's not ready".

"How long have you two been together?"

"Officially, just over a month". Fin looked at her sideways. "I know it's soon for me to be talking about love and moving in but we spend a lot of time together. We were talking for almost three months before we officially started dating" she explained.

"Not counting the month you didn't talk to her because she told you to leave her alone?" he asked with a smirk.

"No, not counting that month" she said with a glare.

"And it doesn't bother you that she doesn't want to say it back?"

"No" she answered without hesitation. "She'll say it when she's ready. I don't want to rush her". Fin nodded his head.

"Well, only you know how you feel. But I will say this, it's good to see you drama free and happy". Amanda smiled.

"Thanks Fin". They ended the conversation there and got back to work.

AJ sat through fifty minutes of public speaking before heading to an hour and half of pre-calculus, followed by fifty minutes of personal finance, fifty minutes of psychology 101, and finally an hour of western history. By two in the afternoon, she was heading home from campus. She'd done what Amanda suggested in all of her classes. She sat up front and talked to the people around her. Most of the talks were just friendly but she exchanged email and phone numbers with a few people. All in all, her first day had gone well. She called Amanda when she got home but she didn't answer. She left a message to call her back when she was free. She made herself a sandwich for lunch then sat in the living room to watch some tv. When she finished eating, she went in her room to take a nap.

AJ woke up at four and went back to the living room to get started on her work from her first day of classes. She started with the readings for her history class before moving on to readings for her psych class. Next was the introductory page for her finance class. The professor was requiring everyone to make one with a picture included so he could get to know them. Lastly, she started on her math homework. She figured that would take her the longest amount of time to finish. She took a break to go to the kitchen and get started on something for herself for dinner. Her phone started ringing on the table and she went to answer. Amanda was returning her call. She told her all about her day and how she was excited to have homework again but she guessed she wouldn't feel that way when the work load got heavier. She asked Amanda if she'd be over that night so that she could make enough food for dinner. Amanda said she'd love to come if it was okay with her and of course it was. So when her shift was over, she stopped by her apartment to get Frannie then headed over to AJ's.

Amanda hoped that things wouldn't be awkward between her and AJ after her slip earlier in the day. Their phone conversation had been normal enough but she worried about how things would be when they were face to face. It was out in the open how she really felt about AJ and she wasn't sure that AJ felt the same way. She tried to tell herself that she was okay with that but she wasn't sure that she actually was. She had strong feelings for AJ and she wanted those feelings to be reciprocated. But she was doing her best to keep some perspective about who AJ was and her lack of experience in relationships and a lot of other things. She decided to just act normally and tried to stop thinking about it. When she arrived at AJ's, dinner was already on the table. Amanda went to the bathroom to wash her hands before going to sit at the table. To her surprise, AJ came to the table with two glasses and a bottle of red wine. She sat one glass in front her own plate and one in front of Amanda before pulling the cork on the wine bottle and pouring them both a full glass.

"I want to drink wine" she said putting the bottle on the table.

"Ummm….ok" Amanda said hesitantly. "Why?" she asked interested in where AJ's sudden interest in alcohol had come from.

"Because I want to do all the things that I've always wanted to try but didn't because I was afraid" she explained, "of my father….and god" she added. "I'm not afraid anymore" she confidently.

"Ok" Amanda said with a nod. She picked up her glass of wine and AJ followed her lead, toasting to a successful first day of college. Amanda didn't hesitate to take a drink from her glass. AJ took her time. She swirled the wine around in her glass then brought it to her nose for a sniff.

"What does it taste like?" she asked looking at Amanda. She shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't know" she said with a smirk. "You tell me". AJ smiled and took one last deep breath before finally bringing the glass to her lips. She slowly tilted the glass upward until she felt the cool liquid against her lips, parting them slighting to let the smallest bit pass through. She held the small amount of wine in her mouth for a moment, taking the time to really taste on her tongue before swallowing. More confidently, she took a bigger sip; this time getting a full taste of the beverage. Amanda waited quietly to hear what she thought.

"I…I like it" she said with a small laugh. "It tastes good" she concluded. She brought her glass to her lips again, taking another healthy sip, then an even bigger gulp.

"Ok" Amanda said taking the glass from her and sitting on the table. "Why don't you slow down with that?" she said with a chuckle. "Come on, let's eat". They filled their plates with food and enjoyed light conversation. AJ told Amanda about some of the friends she'd made on her first day and Amanda told AJ about her very slow, very boring day at work. They didn't talk about Amanda's slip during their first phone call that day and she was glad that things weren't weird between them because of it. By the end of the dinner, the entire bottle of wine was gone. Amanda was a bit worried because AJ had a couple more glasses than she'd had. She didn't want her to get sick or have a hangover. She took care of putting away the leftovers and cleaning up the dishes while AJ went back to the living room to finish her homework. By the time Amanda finished in the kitchen and went to join AJ on the couch, she was putting her books away. "All done?" she asked. AJ shook her head.

"No but I have a free hour tomorrow between classes, so I'll finish then" she said with a smile. She stared at Amanda with glossy eyes and a look she hadn't seen from her before. Before Amanda knew it, AJ had leaned in and crashed their lips together. She was being more aggressive than she'd ever been before. Amanda was receptive of course. She loved kissing AJ. She'd kiss her all day and night if she could. But when she felt AJ's hand slip under her shirt and start to pull it upward she grabbed her hands to stop her.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to take your shirt off" she said stating the obvious. She was finally understanding what the phrase "liquid courage" meant. She had some new found confidence in the form of red wine and she was trying to take advantage of it. She reconnected their lips, pulled her hands from Amanda's grasp and tried again pull her shirt up. But again, Amanda resisted. "What?" AJ asked confused.

"I just…I don't think we should do this. Let's just slow things down a bit" Amanda said hesitantly. She didn't want to hurt AJ's feelings but she didn't want to do anything with her that she'd regret later.

"Why?" AJ asked sadly.

"Because…." she paused thinking of the best way to phrase her thoughts, "because you only want to do this because you've been drinking".

"That's not true" AJ quickly argued.

"AJ…."

"It's not".

"AJ" Amanda said again, "It's ok. I understand. You're relaxed and more comfortable and more confident. I get it. But that's the wine" she said softly. "That's not you".

"You….you don't want to? I mean, you don't want to….."

"Yes, I do" Amanda said assertively, knowing what AJ was trying to ask her. "But not like this. I don't want you to do anything you're not ready for. I want you to be sure…..and I want you to be sober" she added. AJ laughed. "But I wouldn't mind if we kept making out" she said slowly leaning into her girlfriend's space. AJ laughed again as their lips connected. She was both happy and disappointed. Happy because she knew Amanda cared enough about her to wait until she was absolutely sure she was ready to take the next step in their relationship. Disappointed because she wasn't sure if she'd ever be confident enough on her own to admit that she was. But until she was ready, she'd be content with the way things were.

They fell back into their original roles and Amanda took charge. She laid AJ back on the couch and settled herself between her legs. She gently caressed every inch of her body with her hands as she explored the inside of her mouth with her tongue. They made out on the couch like a couple of teenagers until Frannie came over and started to tug on the leg of Amanda's pants. They finally got up and took her out for a walk. AJ got a slice of pizza while they were out even though they'd already had dinner. Amanda explained that sometimes drinking increased appetite. She enjoyed her slice on their walk back to her apartment. Amanda stopped outside her apartment to say goodnight. She knew AJ had to get up early for class and she needed to get up for work. But AJ did something else unexpected. She invited Amanda to stay the night. After some discussion to make sure this what AJ wanted, Amanda agreed to stay the night with her. They walked into the bedroom hand in hand to spend their first night ever together.