In front of me stands a bar. I haven't been inside one in months. I haven't been near any alcoholic beverage in over a month. I used to have a liquor cabinet but Mara cleaned it out while lecturing me on why I shouldn't be drinking that constantly or at all period.

Now I stood in front of one, people entered and left stumbling. Some people went in alone but left with another, probably having a one night stand but they will regret it. This is a small town.. People will run into another eventually , no matter they like it or not.

I took a breath and began to head to my car but I quickly turned back entering the bad.

Logan's Bar.

It was dark and filled with laughter and music. People danced on the dance floor and socialized by the bar. There were people making out and some sitting alone looking depressed taking many shots. My feet led me to the bar and I sat on the black stool.

Cases of wine in front. The bar tender walked up to me. Cleaning a glass with a white cloth.

"What can I get you?" He asked. I think about it. The old Fabian would never drink. I guess he's dead because that's all I've done the last couple the years. I shake my head at the bad tender.

"Nothing" I walkout dragging my feet that didn't want to leave along with my brains and mouth that just wanted another taste big my heart said no and I dragged my feet along outside to the sidewalk full of cracks and tiny prices of garbage. I walked past my car which I park on the side of the old road. I left it behind like I left behind my friends and Nate, the only people who truly cared about me.

I walked into an apartment complex catching the door as someone walked out with arms full of books like the old Fabian did. He was male, he looked young. Brown hair and glasses with red cheeks. I could see my old self I'm him just by that quick glance.

I enter the elevator which I stood in a lone going to the third floor.

My head ached, my thoughts took over. I miss the old Fabian the one that wasn't so messed up. The one that didn't depend in a bottle of poison to be happy. The one that wasn't a douche. The one that wasn't so fake. Funny, I've been judging Amber Millington all these years but really I'm ten times worse then Amber. She just did what the people wanted to see, she did what her manager wanted. She just did it for the people. Now she's gone. Amber Millington's dead and I can't help but think it's all my fault.

I knocked on the door that read '308'.

A brunet in sweats and a t-shirt opened it surprised to see my very self. Joy Mercer opened to see my very self.

"Fabian?" She asked.

"It's my fault" I start breathing heavenly " I killed her" her face was now full of confusion while mine was filled with guilt.

"Amber's dead because of me" I say mostly to myself. She invites me in leading me to the couch that had a trow blanket lay across. There was a bowl of pasta on the coffee table and a drink. She was probably eating while watching T.V when I rudely disturbed her. Her eyes stayed on me with worry and confusion.

"Fabian, Amber died because she committed suicide" Joy reminds me.

Yeah she committed suicide because of me. Because I didn't give her the love she needed when she was broken. She was doll to her manager and the entire world. Nothing but a pretty face doll that would do anything to stay on top. She want herself because no one wanted that Amber they wanted a crazy diva that could keep the young entertained and she did so.

"She killed herself after we broke up. She had an argument with her manager and then after a phone call with her parents she jumped off the balcony and no one saved her. I was the one who brought her down, I knew she wasn't happy and I didn't do anything. I let the fame and drugs and KT get to me while she was hurting" I put my head in my pale hands.

She didn't say anything.

"You know, she wasn't all that bad. She was actually nice and funny. Her entire face would light up when she got all excited over the littlest thing" I smiled remembering.

All this time I wasn't depressed about Nina. I realized that now. I was sad. I was angry. I was furious with myself because I've become a selfless little prick and I haven't been looking at others just feeling sorry for myself when the people around me were suffering. I don't hate Amber, I loved her as much as I loved Nina. I feel horrible she has to go at twenty-two. She never got to show the world who she was and people kept saying sorry that she was dead but really no one was sorry. No one knew Amber Millington they knew Amber Millington.

Joy was now hugging me. Her arms tightly around my shoulders embracing me in a warm hug.

"It's not your fault" she tells me. I try to believe her but how could I do that.

I just realized Joy has came so far from where she was before. She was a Journalist. She was published, her dream came true just like mine though it turned it to a nightmare.

I don't know why she isn't mad at me because I know that when I broke the industry. that's when I broke her heart. It's true the good things in life are over fast. My success made me happy until the drama came about. It's hard to deal with and I try to ignore it. I tend to turn it all off and switch on my professional features but then when I turn the music off all I'm left with is to pick up my personal pieces, and Jesus it's hard.

Got advice from my dad when I was young. He told me that family is all I'll ever have and need, I guess I'm unaware of it. Maybe because I've only had one family member that was family. It's true success is nothing if you have no one there left to share it with and when I left I had no one but Jasper.

I'm wrong. I've had more than one family member. Besides Nate I had Mara and Joy and even Mick though that didn't end well.

We pulled apart but didn't talk. I didn't want to talk and she didn't make me. She offered food but I wasn't hungry. She didn't push to talk or eat like Nina did when we were together. When I didn't feel like doing anything she would say I'm being impossible.

Joy and watched tv. She took quick glances over at me, checking if I were okay. It was obvious she was worried about my mental health but she didn't make me do anything.

It wasn't long before Joy dosed off. She's been yawning for the past hour but refused to sleep now her large brown eyes were closed and her breathing was light. Her head rested on my shoulder and I let her lay her head there not wanting to wake my friend. She looked peaceful, not a single worry on her golden face. I fell asleep not long after even though I tried not to.

•••

Ever since I was a kid with shaggy dark hair and red cheeks my nights were peaceful. As I got older they weren't as peaceful anymore. Around the age of twelve when my older brother Nate was kicked out of the house, all my good dreams were kicked out as well.

As nights and nights went by, nightmares haunted me as I slept. The worst part is that no one ever should have nightmares about there own father.

No one.

The bully and my father never let me sleep so when I was a young I would just spend my entire night reading books heading off to an alternative universe being someone else for a change. It made me feel a whole lot better knowing that others had it worse, though those others were fictional characters the same affect stayed.

When I awoken this morning I layed on a cream colored couch that had bright pillows cuddling on the ends. Joy Mercer lay next to me. We were close because it we moved anymore apart I would have probably fell off landing on the fluffy rug. Joy was still sound asleep but she didn't look as peaceful as she did last night when she feel asleep. Her face was full of mini wrinkles and she looked like she was battling her own thoughts. My arm was already around her and she was sorta leaning into my chest. We shared each others warmth in this small apartment. The sun rays made sticks on our bodies through the window blinds.

I nudge her a little making her scrum.

"Are you okay?" My voice came out deep and raspy, it was more of a whisper then anything else. Her brown eyes flickered up and she gave me a weary smile.

"Yeah I'm fine, just a not so great dream" After a few minutes she got up and so did I. She offered me breakfast and a coffee and I told her I was fine, I was supposed to meet Nate for brunch today. We said our goodbyes as she walked me to her apartment door.

"So see you at the wedding?" I stop at her door frame, the sides at her lips go up a smile entered her face.

"Yeah" she holds the door as I back up into the deserted hallway but she doesn't close it at all.

"Yeah"

"Okay"

"Okay" I smirk as she narrows her eyes at me, it turns into a glare and I chuckle. She hates when I do that. So I speak once more before leave to walk to my car.

"Yeah, okay"

•••

I sat at a table next the window at Riki's soon Nate came to joint me smiling happily.

"Why are you so happy?" I narrow my eyes at my brother who by appearance was me but an older, hazel eyed version.

"What am I no longer allowed to be happy for no reason, brother?" He picked up one of the menu's that lay on the cream colored table. That light hit it making it look lighter.

"...so" I try to change the subject now looking at the menu.

A red haired waitress came to take our orders and brought our food shortly after. We talked for a little before I brought up the subject I've been meaning to talk about with him once more. I took a deep breath.

"Remember want I told you about dad?" I start not even making eye contact. I circled my fork around my almost empty white plate.

His eyes were on me, I could feel it burning. Nathaniel Rutter didn't like the subject of our father very much, actually he didn't like it at all.

"Fabian?"

"I think we should go talk it out with him and mum even Mare-" Nate cut me off.

"Fabian and not going to back there, Dad kicked me out!"

"He kicked me out to" I tired to reason with the man.

"There's a difference"

"And what exactly is that Nate? He kicked us out bot-" he did it once again.

"When dad kicked you out, you were already eighteen. You were going to leave in a couple months anyway but when I was kicked out, I just turned sixteen. You know how hard that is? Being sixteen on the streets? I had no one while you found Jasper and your Career took off. I was sixteen and barely getting by high school and then I got kicked out into the street Fabian" he was calm but I could still hear the anger in his voice. He was also right, I had Jasper to help me out when he no one.

"Maybe it-"

"Fabian, I don't care what you do. I'm not going to talk to dad or mum or even Meredith, they had pretty much eleven years to make things right with me and they didn't and you know damn well for the first two years I tried hard to make things okay between us but you know what? They didn't try, why? Because they don't care"

The rest of our little brunch was silent. His words ringed inside my head. It's ringed loud and only for louder.