AN: Fair warning, this is pretty much just chapter 10 from Deeks's POV. If you don't want to read it again, I totally understand, but I felt that it was an important enough moment that it deserved to be seen from each of their POVs. Enjoy and leave me a review. Should I end it here or continue?

Blessings,

bookdiva

Where we left Deeks (and Sam)…

"Home," he finally whispered in understanding.

I nodded.

"She said she was there because she, and I quote, 'didn't say something she should have said.' Know anything about that?"

He just smiled slightly and shook his head.

"We have terrible communication skills."

I laughed.

"Well, I can't argue with that," I said. Then I turned serious. "Let her communicate, Deeks. If her battle ready expression when I saw her was any indication, it'll be worth it."

He nodded and looked up at his apartment window. It was the only light still on in the building.

"Thanks, Sam. For…" he looked up at me. "For everything."

I barely registered walking up to my door, but when I went to insert my key, I found my hands were shaking too badly. I took a deep breath.

If Kensi's here, it's probably already unlocked, I realized. If she hadn't used the key I'd given her, she would have just picked the lock.

Sure enough, the door opened, and I saw Kensi Marie Blye on my living room couch, tensed and ready for an attack. I hoped that wasn't an indication of how our conversation was going to go.

Let her communicate, I reminded myself.

"Don't shoot, Kens," I said, holding up my hands in mock surrender, only partly serious. "Besides," I smirked, "I'm the one who lives here."

She let out a relieved sigh.

"Touché."

There was an awkward silence that, for all our normal banter, neither of us seemed to know how to fill.

"Look Kens," I began, making sure to look her in the eyes so she'd know I was serious. I vowed to let her do the communicating as soon as I got this out. "I think I owe you an explanation for what I… said back at the mission."

She began to protest, but I cut her off.

"No, I do. I need to explain, even if you don't need me to."

I could tell she knew I was being serious because she actually listened to me.

"I just…" and suddenly I couldn't find the words. It was scary for me, because I'm never at a loss for words. "I shouldn't have yelled at you. No," I held up my hand to forestal her coming protest, "no matter what happened, I didn't handle that right, and I'm sorry Kens. I could see it on your face that you were… afraid of me, and I don't ever want to be that."

As I said it, I couldn't make myself keep looking at her. Just remembering the rage that had filled me back at the mission made me ashamed and tired and…

"You look at me, Martin Deeks," she said fiercely, jumping up from her seat and startling me out of my thoughts. She stood toe to toe with me, and stared into my eyes. "You have nothing to apologize for. I wasn't scared of you, because I knew you'd never hurt me. I was…" she backed away a little, "I was ashamed, Deeks. And I was scared because—because I thought I'd messed this up too much to fix it."

Hearing her say that gave me a small amount of hope, and I allowed myself to smile a little.

"I'm not going to say we're good, Kens," I said, trying to be honest, "because we're not." But I had a feeling we would be, though. In time. "When you left… it really hurt. I get why you did, but you still… left."

"Which time?" she whispered.

I couldn't help my confusion at her words.

"Which time, Deeks?" she pressed.

Oh. Which time.

That brought back the pain again, but it wasn't as intense this time.

The hill, the warehouse, the hospital… Probably the hospital, I realized, as I could at least partially understand the others, but the hospital confused me.

Why did you leave me there alone?

When I'd woken in the hospital, alone, surrounded by beeping machines, my mind had overtaken me. It was waking alone that had sent me into the downward spiral that I was only just getting out of.

"Whatcha got there?" I asked instead, nodding to my grocery list note pad in her hands and changing the subject. I wasn't sure if I was ready to voice those thoughts just yet.

"Really, Deeks?" she asked with a small smile. "Now who's answering questions with questions?" I smiled slightly, and it was almost like our old banter. Instead of answering her, I just looked pointedly at the paper in her hand again.

She sighed and sat back on the couch.

"This is a list," she said.

I couldn't help rolling my eyes at her obviousness.

"I can see that," I said feeling a hint of normalcy in my unforced humor. There was a long silence.

"Whatcha got there?" I repeated, feeling hopeful for the first time in a long while. The way she was clutching it made me think it was something important.

I could tell the moment her body froze up, and all of my hope disappeared.

So we're really back to this? I wondered. I'm not sure I can do this anymore.

Then she surprised me.

"This," she said slowly, holding up the paper so I could see it, "Is a list of things I've left unsaid for far too long."

I relaxed slightly, but then I noticed something.

The list had the words 'I will tell him' on the top, but the paper had nothing else on it.

"It's blank," I pointed out.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," she said, repeating my retort from earlier and rolling her eyes at me. "It's more of an… internal kind of thing."

Of course it is, I thought dryly. Let her communicate.

"Damn," I said with a humorless chuckle, shaking my head.

She sent me a questioning look.

"We really do have terrible communication skills if I'm thinking a blank list is progress."

A blush made its way across her face at my words.

"I don't mind your communication skills."

I couldn't help the surprise that showed in my eyes.

"How's that for communication?" I'd asked her. Then she'd left. Then, all hell broke loose.

"I have a lot of things on this list," she said, gesturing to the blank paper. "So if you want to hear them, I suggest you sit right here," she patted the area next to me on the couch, "and you don't talk until I get through all of them."

I couldn't think of anything to say, so I simply nodded and sat beside her.

"When I first met you, when you were Jason," she began, surprising me, "we had your face up on the board in the bull pen. You were a suspect. And I knew that up here," she said, pointing to her head. "But something in my gut just wouldn't let you go. And it was right, because not 24 hours later you were sitting in the boat shed working with us."

"What does that have to do with—" I wondered aloud.

"I said don't talk, Deeks," she said, cutting me off. "You had your turn, and I really have to say this." Then she smiled slightly, and her voice softened. "I'm not as good at communicating as you are."

I couldn't help the slightly cocky smirk that crossed my face at her words, but from her smile I could tell she didn't really mind.

"I kept talking about you," she continued. "There was just something about you that had me stuck on you. And Callen said, 'Stuck, smitten, whatever.' And…" she paused, as if gathering her thoughts. "And that's the point of all this. I've been stuck on you from day one, Deeks. Even if I didn't realize it until I watched you with Shawn. Seeing you play with him… I was stuck on you, Deeks."

I just felt confused. I remembered playing with Shawn on the tennis courts, but I hadn't even known Kensi had been watching.

"And not too long after that, when we visited that news station… he'd lost his partner, and he was talking about heat, but had never really mentioned it." I remembered the case well, because that was also a turning moment for me. "I could see the regret in his eyes, and I realized… I realized that we have heat, too. We always have, since the beginning. You wanted to know what I wrote about in my journal. Not the one you found, but my real journal… it's you. Not on purpose, and not consciously, but it always ended up being about you."

She paused to collect her thoughts and her face turned red again.

Kensi Blye blushing twice in a matter of minutes?

If this wasn't such a serious conversation I'd be teasing her about it. Instead, I just waited impatiently for whatever she was going to say that was making her blush so deeply.

"And yes," she finally said, as if answering a spoken question.

I just shot her a confused look, unsure of how this would cause her to blush.

"The answer to every single time you asked or teased me about being jealous," she continued, and it all made sense. "The answer is yes."

I couldn't help my grin, and she smiled back at me.

"And then we met Astrid," she said, and I smiled as I remembered the girl. "And yes, there were all those moments in between, but we met Astrid, and she… she reminded me of myself at her age, and so I stayed and played cards with her and she asked me…"

Could I really do this? Could I say it?

"What'd she ask you, Kens?" Deeks asked quietly.

She took a deep breath, and I couldn't stop my mind from turning out all the worst case scenarios.

"She asked me if I was in love with you."

I don't know what I was expecting, but it was not that.

"And what did you—"

"That's the point, Deeks!" she cut in sharply. "I didn't say anything. Because I'm a coward. Because I couldn't…" my voice dropped to a whisper. "I didn't say anything. But I should've said yes."

It was the closest she'd ever come to saying the words. It lifted some of the weight off my chest, but I couldn't help but wonder if we'd ever get to the point of really saying it.

"I'm sorry I left, Deeks. I'm sorry for every time I left. The literal times and the figurative times. I know you don't want to hear it, but I need to say it. I am sorry."

"I know, Kens," I said, suddenly feeling guilty for the tears running down her face. It didn't matter anymore, as long as she would just smile again.

"No," she burst out, startling me again, "you don't know. You're smarter than me Deeks," she said, and I felt my eyes go wide in surprise. "You're smart and loyal and dependable, and I have no doubt that you would have found a way to get me out, if the roles were reversed. But I couldn't think of anything. I just want you to know that it was the hardest thing I've ever done, leaving you there, in the warehouse, bloody and beaten and…" she trailed off and her eyes glazed over.

I reached out and touched her arm. She looked at me as if suddenly realizing where she was.

"And in the hospital, you wouldn't look at me, and I couldn't blame you," she said, tears falling down her cheeks. I hated myself for being the cause of them. "There was nothing I could do for you, they were putting you under, and I just… I wanted to go kill him," I finished in a whisper. "Slowly and painfully."

It made sense now. I'd been really out of it, and Kensi needed to feel like she was doing something. She hadn't meant to leave me on my own in that hospital. She wanted to go kill Siderov. I could understand that.

"I'm messed up, Deeks," she said, her eyes desperate to lighten my mood. So I smiled, because she wanted me to. "But I love you. Not just as a partner, and not just as a friend, but as…" I searched for the right words, but nothing came. "As you."

I felt the tears in my eyes at her words, and I couldn't take it anymore. I reached out and pulled her to me. She held on just as tight.

"I love you, too, Kensi," I whispered. "We have a long way to go, but I know we'll get there."

I kissed her head, leaned back on the couch, and fell asleep holding her in my arms.

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