One thing I miss about the years I was sealed… I didn't dream. It was blissfully dark and quiet. I didn't think, over analyze things, wonder about the 'what if's'. It was like being asleep, the mind completely shut off for once. I didn't remember what had happened. Ninety eight years later, and now the images are still as clear, if not clearer, as the day it happened. It's these times when I wish I'm never been unsealed.
The dream was different last night, not the images, but the intensity of it. At some points it was so real, I couldn't breathe, at the end… it was like I wasn't alone. Like trying to carry something heavy by yourself, then having someone come and pick up the other side. It just felt lighter some how. A little easy to bear then normal.
And that kind of rattles me. I mean, I'm staying in a magical house where anything is possible. Ghosts, demons, angels, and mortals have walked through the door of this manor. It wouldn't surprise me if one of the sisters somehow rigged a supernatural dream tap. It'd be easy for them, light a few candles, chant a few words, and bam! They could be watching my dreams like a goddamn movie. I hope not, but let's face it… it is a possibility.
But honestly, the thought that maybe one of them knows, it's a mix between terrifying and relieving. Terrifying, because if the sisters knew I was a demon, there's a chance they wouldn't hesitate to vanquish me. Relieving because I wouldn't have to keep this inside anymore. All my deepest, darkest secrets laid out on the table. I wouldn't have to hide anymore. I wouldn't have to do this on my own. But there go the attachment issues again.
So now I'm a little reluctant to come face to face with any of the sisters. I don't know which one, if any; know what I'm here for… who I'm here for. I scared that they'd be able to take one look at my face, and know everything that makes me who I am. Everything that goes on in my head, and my dreams. My past, in all it's gory splendor.
I'm seriously having second thoughts about this. Who am I to make these women's lives miserable? These amazing, other worldly women, who put their 'normal' lives, and what's left of their sanity on the line every day for complete strangers. Who am I to change who I was, be so willing to kill someone? Not killing someone was what got me here in the first place, isn't it? Sometimes I think it'd be better to just have them vanquish me. I mean, I could just as easily kick his ass in the afterlife, or hell, or wherever the hell he is.
How have I gotten to this place? Yeah, sure, the bastard betrayed me in the worst way possible. Sure, I want nothing more than to make him pay. But why should I make these innocent people go through this? Because I'm a demon and it's in my nature. Is it really? Because it wasn't all those years ago. I had a part in what happened, and I did it with my eyes wide open. I chose that path, and is it really possible for me to change my mind now?
The human in me used to be stronger. It's the whole reason Balthazar did what he did. I don't know if he would have if he hadn't been instructed to, but he still did it. He may have ultimately saved my life, but he was the one who put me in the position to get hurt in the first place. I blame him, because it's easier than blaming myself for what I did. I did the right thing. I did the good thing.
And maybe I'm acting more like a demon than a mortal or a witch here. But it was the demon in me who looked up to him, who in part admires him for what he did. Embracing evil for all it's worth, something I could never do. Maybe because the good in me was too strong, too over powering. Maybe because I just wasn't cut out for it. I don't know.
And the demon in me wants, no, needs to do this. Needs to see him face to face, to maybe see a glimmer of pride in his eyes. Pride that I had survived, and maybe a little relief, though I doubt it. We were closer than most demons, but we weren't that close. We weren't close enough to morn for each other. At least not back then. Now it might be different, both of us having embraced our human souls.
So the plan goes on. I'm going to find a way to bring that son of a bitch back. Maybe not just for an ass kicking anymore. Maybe to rub it in his face that he was wrong for once. Good isn't as bad as demons make it out to be. There's more to life than killing and climbing the demonic power ladder. It can be more satisfying to save then to kill. To help then to hurt.
And, you know, whatever happens happens. If the sisters find out, so be it. I'll duck that fireball when it comes flying. Maybe they'd be able to understand. They're good people, and even better witches, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do.
And I'm gonna do what I have to do.