Chapter 11

He loved watching her sleep. She was so much more relaxed when she slept, and looking down at her now he wondered what might have gone different in his life if they'd have had more than one night back then. If they had stayed together.

Would he have fallen into as deep a hole after Liam's death if she'd been by his side through all of it? But more important … did she ever ask herself if her life might have gone differently if he'd been in her life? It was a question that kept floating through his brain. Would her son still be alive if they had been in a relationship?

He always tried to shake those questions the moment they jumped into his brain, because dwelling on the what if's never helped. He could just try to help her get her closure. He would do anything to find the man who'd kidnapped Henry and tortured him for days before he killed him. And in the darkest corner of his brain he knew he hoped the perpetrator would make a mistake when they finally found him, would threaten them in some way so that he'd give Killian a reason to kill him. Because this sick bastard didn't deserve to live any longer, and maybe killing him would get him off too easy, but Killian knew Emma couldn't really rest until it was really over. And it wouldn't be over until Henry's murderer was dead.

Them being still on the search for Henry's killer was one of the reasons he hadn't told her he loved her yet. He didn't think she was ready to hear the words yet. He was pretty certain she would bolt, that she couldn't let herself love anyone as long as she hadn't gotten justice for her son's death.

He didn't mind. He loved her, and he would give her all the time she needed.

He just wanted to slip back under the covers when his phone vibrated on the nightstand, and he grabbed it and walked out of the room before it woke up Emma.

Five minutes later he hung up, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. He had the new job. He could already transfer on Monday, so today was his last day at the 15th. He couldn't wait to tell Emma. There was no reason now anymore to keep their relationship a secret, and he still grinned when he got back into bed with her, intending to kiss her awake to tell her the good news.

-/-

Somehow she'd managed to keep all her worries at bay over the last days, but watching him now - grinning and laughing with the rest of the department while they congratulated him on his new job - the worries, all her insecurities, came back with a vengeance. He'd been so happy when he told her the news this morning in bed, and she hadn't really had time to think about all of it until now, since he'd decided to celebrate the news by giving her two orgasms before they had to go to work.

But now everything came rushing back in, and she didn't think she was capable of real commitment, not after what happened to Henry. His loss almost broke her, and she was still having more bad days than good days. Letting someone else in, opening herself up again … she didn't think she could do it. She couldn't lose anyone else. First Henry, then Graham. She couldn't take anymore.

Maybe it was better if she stopped whatever they had right now, before they were both in too deep and couldn't turn away anymore, before she would lose him too. She might think she'd fallen in love with him, but it was better to lose him now when the pain wouldn't be as excruciating as when she completely lost her heart to him, and he left her then.

Yes, it would be better that way. Cut the ties, and let him loose.

She walked over to him then, forcing a smile on her face as she stepped in front of him and stretched her hand out. He looked at her strangely for a moment before taking her hand, and she was glad her voice didn't waver as she said, "Good luck on your new job, Detective Jones."

"Thank you, Captain Swan."

She saw the flicker of hurt crossing his eyes before she turned around and walked away. With each step the pain in her heart increased, but it would get better. It had to get better. She wouldn't see him at work every day anymore, and if she ignored his messages, he might give up getting in contact with her after a while. They had a few great days, but it was over now.

It was for the best.

-/-

"Don't do this."

He was standing in her kitchen - she'd completely forgotten that she gave him a key - and she wasn't sure if she was glad he was here or if she should tell him to leave.

"Do what?" she asked while she opened the fridge to pull out the bottle of Chardonnay she'd opened yesterday. She put it down on the counter, refusing to look at him.

"Push me away," he replied with a soft voice, stepping closer and leaning into her personal space. One of his fingers slipped under her chin and pulled it up, forcing her to look him in the eyes. "Because I'm not going anywhere. I promised you we will find Henry's killer. And we will."

"I know, but ..."

"I'm not gonna push you, Emma," he told her, his thumb brushing over her cheek as he cupped her face. "Just let me help. Let me stay by your side, okay?"

She knew she should push him away, but when she looked into his eyes she couldn't do it. She needed him too much.

"Okay," she breathed, letting out a soft sigh when he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close.

Maybe she wasn't able to love again, but deep down she knew if there was one man who could heal her heart it was the one whose arms were wrapped around her now, and a small flame of hope flickered into life in her heart.

Maybe he would stay at her side until she could love him enough to let him pull her out of the darkness and back into the light.