In the next few days were again busy. Three new homicides kept both the detectives and the medical examiner and her team busy. Still Jane tried her best to spend as much time with Maura as possible. She had thought a lot about her conversation with her partner. And even though she didn't like it, she had to admit that Frost was partly right. She had to talk to Maura about it, no one else could ever answer satisfyingly her questions. But she hadn't forgotten her trouble with Maura lately. She hadn't forgotten that she had acted like a jerk, and she was sure that this situation was not the best basis to talk about stuff like this. So she had decided to start with giving Maura the feeling that they were still friends and that she could trust her. Jane had prepared herself for busy, awkward days, running after Maura, kissing her ass, sweet talking. But she had been absolutely willing to do so, not only to get Maura to talk, but mostly to get her friend back because she missed her. But she experienced something totally different. She had brought Maura coffee or tea nearly every morning, she had brought her favorite chocolate, she even thought about buying flowers. Jane had regularly texted Maura about what she was doing and asked what the doctor did. She had visited her friend in her office, not to ask if there were any new results, just to know how Maura was doing. And by doing all these things Jane felt good. It felt like she should have done all these things for a long time, like she was somehow designed to do so. Like it was normal, or better natural to act like this around Maura. And all her efforts were regularly repaid by just one genuine smile of Doctor Maura Isles. Jane felt so comfortable with the situation that she almost forgot why she had started to act like this. She almost had forgotten their quarrel and the questions she wanted to ask Maura and the questions she had to answer to herself. But as Friday came, Jane decided that it was finally time to get Maura to talk.
She went down to her friend's office, knocked shortly and stepped in. Maura Isles sat at her desk, behind her computer. "Hey Maur! How are you doing?" Jane asked with a smile on her lips.
Maura looked up and returned her smile. "Hallo Jane, thank you. I'm fine. What can I do for you?"
"Yeah, well, I was wondering if you would like to have pizza with me and a movie? You can choose."
"I would love to, Jane!" Maura had recognized the change in Jane's behavior lately and she really enjoyed the attention and the tenderness Jane showed towards her.
They had agreed to meet at Maura's after Jane got home to get Jo Friday and a few things in case she spends the night. Jane would also bring the pizza. So right now Maura was sitting on her couch watching the news waiting for Jane to arrive. She had tried to distance herself from the detective, but the moment she had decided to do so, Jane obviously decided to move in the other direction. This meant that Jane tried to get closer to her. Maura knew she wouldn't be able to move on or move over her feelings for Jane if they did settle in the closeness Jane tried to establish. But it felt right to her, as if it had always meant to be like this, and as if this could be enough for Maura. She sighed, as the heard a soft knock and then the door opening. Jane Rizzoli stepped in packed with a six pack beer, a bottle of wine, pizza and her bag, Jo Friday's leash between her teeth. Maura laughed as she stood up and moved over to her friend. She took the beverages from her. "Hallo Jane, you shouldn't have brought beer and wine. But thank you."
Jane smiled. "Yeah I know I didn't have to," she leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on Maura's cheek, "But I wanted to." she said and moved over to the kitchen counter.
Maura stood stunned at the door. The cheek-kissing-thing was also something new Jane had developed in the last days. She took a deep breath and followed Jane into the kitchen.
It was a wonderful evening for both of them. They had eaten, chatted about this and that, laughed a lot and now were sitting close to each other on the couch watching a documentary. Jane was relieved. Finally she had the feeling that she and Maura were okay again. Jane put her arm around Maura, resting her hand on the other woman's upper arm. Maura smiled at her and snuggled closer to rest her head on Jane's shoulder. At movie nights they often ended up in this positions and it was Jane's favorite thing about watching a movie with Maura. It felt incredible comfortable to have her friend in her arm and after a hard day at work the snuggling let Jane easily relax. Though earlier she had made up her mind that she had finally to ask Maura about her and the other doctor, because it somehow drove her nuts not knowing, right now she just didn't want to ask. The moment was just too perfect to ruin it with these questions, and Jane just felt too good to ask the questions whose answers she feared. What if Maura says that she dates woman, and especially this Sam doctor. What if she says that she has fallen in love with her and that she will move in and that they get married next month and a child is on its way? Okay, Jane Rizzoli. Now it's official. You are nuts. Maura has every right to start a relationship with whomsoever. Although Jane's mind knew that she was overreacting, the thought of Maura settling with the other woman made her physically sick.
"Jane? What are you thinking about?" Maura disturbed her thoughts.
"Uhm, it's nothing Maura."
"Jane. It doesn't seem to be nothing. You look pale, you are fumbling with the hem of your shirt and you avoid eye contact with me. So, what is bothering you?"
Jane didn't answer, although she knew that sooner or later Maura would get her to tell her.
"Is it about Casey, Jane?" Maura asked even though she didn't like talking about him. But she cared about Jane, and wanted to help her with whatever conflict she seemed to be in.
Jane looked up. "Nah, it's not about Casey. I haven't seen him the last days. He has overdone the relationship stuff lately, so I try to calm things down a bit. But never mind."
"Oh. Okay. Though you were thinking about something. I'm your friend, Jane. I want to be there for you. And maybe I can help you, I'm quite good at thinking."
Jane grinned and squeezed Maura's shoulder. "You definitely are, Dr. Isles." Sighing she continued: "You're right. I was thinking about something, actually for a few days now. But I'm not sure if I can tell you, cause, you know, you might feel offended. And we had a hard time and I don't want to ruin it again. I'm really really glad that we are good again, Maur."
The medical examiner sat up and turned around a bit toward Jane. She placed both of her hands on Jane's thigh. "Jane Rizzoli. I do not like to repeat myself but I do make an exception for you. I am your friend, Jane and I want to help you. Besides, I can't imagine that what ever you are thinking about is offending to me."
Jane took one of Maura's hands into hers and gently stroked Maura's palm with her thumb. While studying their joint hands she said: "Maura. You are the best friend I ever had. I love you and more than anything else I want you to feel comfortable in our friendship and that you have the feeling that you can trust me. And I know that most at the time I don't show you this. But you have to believe me."
"Jane. Sure. I know that. But you are confusing. What are you talking about?"
Jane thought that it was now or never. "You know that evening in the Robber. After we had solved that case. Dr McMorrow was there, too."
Maura just nodded.
"Maura, this evening I had a strange feeling. Maybe I got it wrong, but, you know, I" she held her breath as she finally asked: "I had the feeling that you and Sam were, I dunno. Were you somehow flirting?"
A second passed until Maura had processed what Jane had just said. She hadn't expected this. With a stunned expression she uttered: "Oh!" stiffened and tried to remove her hand from Jane's leg but the detective didn't let go of her hand.
Jane didn't want to lose the contact to her friend right now. She was afraid of how Maura would answer and she needed the assurance holding Maura's hand always brought her. "Maur, don't." she whispered and she felt Maura relax a bit. Patiently Jane waited for Maura to answer.
Meanwhile Maura franticly searched for an answer, that wouldn't be a lie, because she had flirted a little bit with Sam that evening, and that would not lead to any more questions about this topic, since she was fearing she would reveal her feelings for Jane during an interrogation. But no matter how hard she tried she couldn't come up with anything. So she simply said: "You might call it that."
Jane took a few deep and slow breaths hoping that it would help against the arising sickness. Though she wanted to know more: "Oh, wow, Maura. That … wow. Does it mean, ah, that you like women?"
Maura had decided to speak a minimum. So she just nodded.
"Why haven't you ever said something? I mean we are friends. That's something I should know. Not because I have a problem with it or something. Really, Maura. You have to believe me, I'm not homophobic. It's just, you know, I like to know you, anything about you, and that's a big thing, isn't it? I know I can be a jerk and I often don't listen when you tell me all these strange facts you know, and sometimes make fun of you. But, Maur, never, never I wanted to let you believe you can't tell me something important. I'm so, so sorry. ..." Jane rambled on with guilt written on her face. She let go of Mauras hands and raised both arms to cover her face in shame.
This time Maura stopped her by whispering "Don't!" and grabbing her friends hands. "Jane, you have never given me the feeling that I couldn't share something like this with you. You are the best and most faithful friend I ever had. I trust you with my life, literally." Although Maura still didn't want to talk about this special topic with Jane, she couldn't stand seeing her feeling so insufficient and insecure about being a friend. "I never revealed my interest in women because it just never was necessary. Since we met, I haven't been interested in any other woman. And in the few conversations we had about homosexuality or bi sexuality, it didn't seem appropriate to me to tell you. I guess what I'm trying to tell you, is that there never was the right time."
Maura felt the woman next to her relaxing. Mentally the medical examiner congratulated herself. She had managed to appease her friend with telling the truth and without revealing too much of her own feelings. Now she hoped that Jane wouldn't ask why she had formulated 'any other woman' and not just 'any woman' and why she never had the feeling that it would be appropriate. She sighed in relieve as Jane asked: "And now you are interested in the Sam doctor? You meet her again?"
"I've just met her a few time, Jane. So I don't know if I would want a sexual relationship with her. But she seems interesting. And yes, we will meet again tomorrow."
Jane stiffened again. "Uhm, so you have a date tomorrow?"
"I wouldn't call it a date, at least Sam and I haven't called it this. We'll just meet in the afternoon and drink a coffee and maybe spend some time together afterwards. That's it."
Maura looked up searching for Jane's eyes. What she found was the most crestfallen, lost and sad look she had ever seen on her friends face. Jane looked as if her heart had just been broken and that in return broke Maura's heart. "Jane. No matter what will happen with Sam or anyone else you will be my dearest friend. I love you."
Suddenly Jane grabbed Maura's arms and pulled her against her chest holding her for dear life.
Maura gasped as she found herself all of sudden nearly sitting in Jane's lap and her head resting on Jane's shoulder. As she heard a quiet sob she tried to free herself from Jane's embrace to face Jane, but the detective just hugged tighter and whispered: "Don't go Maura."
Jane felt as if she would break apart if she let Maura go right now. Though she finally had answers to the questions that had occupied her mind the last days and though Maura reassured her that she would always be important to the medical examiner, Jane never in her life had felt so miserable like now. She suppressed another sob. 'But so damn great at the same time with Maura in my arms.', Jane thought. 'I don't want Maura to meet Sam again, I don't want them to drink a coffee together and talk about sciency stuff. Maura shall not meet someone "interesting" ever again. I want Maura to stay where she is right now, here with me. And this every night, for the next...for forever. I want to be the one she tells things, the one she leans on. I want to hold her, and feel her and touch her and ki...oh...OH... Rizzoli, you want to kiss your best FEMALE friend!'