Every Bit of It
Belle was sitting on the heavenly park bench pale and shaking. He quickened his step, rushing to her aid. Taking her hands in his and sitting by her side, he silently asked what was the matter. Belle held his hands and in a shaky voice, whispered, "you never told me."
"What?" Rumple asked, not sure what she was talking about.
"How it was for you," she said, "I met Milah today, and we were talking about something, and she just mentioned in passing the torture that you suffered, like it was an every-day thing, and I realized that it must really have been every day."
"We spoke about it," he said, surprised that it bothered her so much more than usual.
"You never got into detail," Belle whispered, "I don't blame you. It's... it's unspeakable, but to think that you resigned yourself to -that- for all eternity," Belle said, her eyes almost popping with dread and her hands shaking again.
"Oh, Belle," Rumple sighed, "you must understand, it was nothing -"
Belle looked like she was going to scream so Rumple added quickly, "I mean it was bad, yes, it was painful beyond my ability to endure it, that's true." He said shuddering at the memory, "Every time I thought that it couldn't get any more hellish, it got a lot more violent and heinous. It was a tremendous relief when I was finally allowed to die"
Belle held his hands tighter, and pulled him closer to her.
"But all of this was hurting me -physically-," he continued, looking into Belle's eyes. "Deep inside my soul I knew my family was safe, don't you see? All the pain I suffered was nothing compared to the emotional torture I felt, since the moment I was resurrected, and saw that my son was paying the price!"
Belle saw the painful memory clouding his eyes, "I was so horrified, that, even though I knew I couldn't save him, I still threw my dagger at a desperate attempt to try. I absorbed him into me and gave up my brain-space so he could have my body and mind to live in. I knew it made no sense, but I couldn't think, at all, with Bae lying there...and then... Oh, Belle, I couldn't save him..."
Belle put her hands on his shoulders, "when he died," she breathed, "Zelena had full control of your every move. She hurt you then, didn't she? She took such joy in watching you suffer"
"I don't even remember what she did to my body, because my mind was with Bae. All I felt was emptiness. I was terrified that she'd force me to kill you or Henry, so I didn't even feel anything else she coerced me to do."
"Did she taunt you about losing your son?"
"She didn't need to. I was already in such anguish, I couldn't breathe! Every breath I took was a breath I knew my son paid for. I wanted to die but I knew that I wouldn't, I also knew that death would not make the pain go away. I was turning to dust, "
"when I was freed, I tried to force myself, through magic, to be happy, for you. But even when we were getting married, all I could think about was how Bae could have been the one to get married, how he -should- have been the one to be alive with a chance to get married. And that unrelenting grief was engulfing me again."
"I was wasting away, Belle, I felt the darkness overtake my heart because I was dying inside. As much as I wanted to, I knew that if I did let myself die of this misery, if I let this deep depression take me, I will be giving the dark one free reign of my being, because the dark one never dies... "
"That's when I found the sorcerer's hat."
"Ohhhh..." Belle's eyes lit up with sudden clarity.
"I knew I had to do something to get rid of the darkness, so that when this anguish slowly shrivels my heart, no one will be in danger. I tried to convince Emma to let the sorcerer's hat take her magic. She had powerful magic and it could have pulled out my darkness without any casualties. This hat wasn't a dangerous object. No one would have died. Only their magic taken away to balance the darkness and keep it safe inside the hat."
Belle remembered the sorcerer telling them, as he removed the darkness from Rumple's heart, that this was what Rumple has been trying to do with the hat the entire time "So, when it killed the sorcerer... was it because you failed to collect enough light magic to keep your darkness in place?" .
He nodded, "When Emma decided not to give up her light magic I became more desperate."
"I've made mistakes while looking for other ways to rid myself of the darkness. This darkness which was feeding on my heartache. I was willing to kill Hook and take all the magic away from the fairies - their combined light magic was equal to Emma's. The sorcerer would not have died if the darkness was held tightly in the hat by all the light magic. When you banished me from Storybrooke and I didn't end up removng the darkness, I knew I had to find another way to fix my broken heart.
"Oh, Rumple, I am so sorry! I thought you loved power more than me... why did you not tell me what you were trying to do with the hat?" Belle couldn't help remembering how rejected she felt at the time.
"How could I have told you? I love you so much, but as strong as our love is, I didn't know how to tell you that it wasn't enough... Even you could not fill the gaping hole that was left when Bae died instead of me. Our true love wasn't enough to stop me from falling into this bottomless depression because I just couldn't move on from losing Bae. I had to use magic on my heart to be able to live day to day because I couldn't - I just couldn't.
"When I was in New York, I wanted to go into Bae's apartment. I wanted to feel his presence, to apologize to him, maybe talk to him... He was so full of hope..."
Belle nodded, remembering something, "I heard him telling Emma that this isn't over... he said he will see both of them again..." she agreed. "Robin-Hood took the apartment, didn't he?"
"Yes. And it was getting worse. I had no where to go. I couldn't even rest my head in my son's apartment. I really was dying then, and I didn't want to find out what might happen if the Dark One was unleashed on the land without magic. By then I knew that magic *can* exist outside of Storybrooke. I asked Robin for help, but Zelena was pretending to be Marian, and came into the hospital to taunt me-"
"Ho- Hospital?" Belle cut in, her eyes round as saucers.
Rumple waved it away in dismissal, "She gave me one last idea how to protect people from my rotting heart."
Belle hugged him, mumbling, "I'm so sorry."
"Oh, this new idea, to use the author, was a bad one. But I was just so desperate to stop the darkness from taking over that I listenedr."
"You never told me how bad it was," Belle breathed.
"I couldn't," he whispered, "I had no words to describe how I felt. I kept seeing my boy's face when he realized that he was dying and that Henry didn't even remember him.
"He brought me back because he trusted me. He believed in my ability to help him get home to his loved ones, and I didn't help him. I didn't help him! I just lived instead of him. I killed him by letting him believe in my unlimited ability to find loopholes for everything. He didn't want to die. He would never resurrect me if he knew the price."
He was holding Belle, urging her to understand.
"Belle, look, I was tortured before. The underworld was a nightmare and that was also meant to be forever. So, the unspeakable brutalities that I suffered in that New-Hell, even if it would've been forever, it couldn't compare to the excruciating guilt I felt with every moment I lived instead of Bae."
They sat there for a while. Belle was trying to sort out her emotions. She wanted him to tell her... more. She wasn't sure what, but she really neededhim to keep talking. It was so hard for her to understand how he could let these horrors happen to him in the Neverland-hell.
"When Emma was the dark one, Why did you tell me that you injured yourself, during the ogre's war, because you were afraid to die and not to get back to your son? If you didn't care for Baelfire you would just run, without injuring yourself. Why did you suddenly change the facts and make yourself sound like a coward?"
"I didn't feel worthy of being Bae's father. Not while I was living the life that belonged to him; the life that was meant to be his... He relied on me. That's why he brought me back."
"When Emma woke you from that coma, you were not dark... was it easier then?"
"I don't know...Even after the darkness left me, every day that I continued living was because I didn't want to disappoint you. I was so tempted to find a quiet corner and kill myself, because I was a mortal and was able to die. I wanted to escape from my own skin. It felt like I was living on borrowed time... borrowed from my son. I wanted to give it back.
"When Excalibur chose to saddle me with all the darkness again, (I don't know why, maybe because the darkness was used to my soul or something), and Emma made me go to the underworld with her, (I refused to admit to her that I was chosen, it was too embarrassing, so I lied and said that it was my own choice.) I was really glad for an excuse to go. I was hoping to see my son from the underworld somehow. I was hoping that there can be a possibility to exchange my life with his. Then I realized you were going to have a baby, and I knew I must get back and make sure you and our child would be safe."
"I know why," Belle said suddenly, "I know why Excalibur chose you to take all the darkness back. It was safest with you. You were the purest and truest hero, and only you could hold this much darkness and stay golden."
Gold hugged her and, like a dam that was broken, and water could not be stopped from pouring out, he kept talking. He had to tell her everything. He had to make her understand him. "Belle, our child was in danger. I knew I had to stay and keep the danger away. I couldn't afford to dwell on losing Baelfire, as much as it broke me. I had to stay and fight for our new child. When I studied the books about how to keep our child safe and how to maintain a world where our baby could grow up in peace, I realized that I had everything I need to create that new power to eradicate all threats from the world. This new power would also allow everyone to have another chance at life! I just needed someone powerful who loved Bae as much as I did. I didn't think Emma qualified because she was with Hook, but the day I found out that she still loved my son was the happiest day of my life. Of course I couldn't pass that opportunity up! Do you understand, Belle? I could finally have everything. My son would be alive, our daughter and you would be safe, the darkness would really be gone and the world would be a better place for all of you to live in. It didn't matter to me that I would have to pay an eternal price, and surrender myself to the mercy of sadists forever. Knowing you were all safe was worth every bit of it."
They hugged and held on to each other, and Belle fully understood the beauty of her hero's golden heart. She saw for the first time how a hero's death and suffering could be his happy ending, if it was meaningful. If his heart's desire was his family's safety and a better world for them to live in, it's the happiest thing for him to ensure it, no matter the price.