Disclaimer: Still lacking a satisfactory joke for stating my lack of ownership of the Naruto franchise.
Sticks and Stones Chapter 11: Razzle-dazzle 'em
And now, the thrilling conclusion:
"Well wouldn't all my fatguy and elegant gentlemen friends be so envious of me right now?" Sakura said to herself, "I've somehow become the little girl"
*Crash*
"Oh, right, battle, should probably do something about that. Let's see, I could interfere in the fight between Zabuza and Kakashi, and prevent Haku and Zabuza from dying, except I don't particularly want either of them to live. Naruto will calm down on his own soon, Sasuke is either dead or in a proto-comatose state from those ice needles, so I can't help him at all either way, Kakashi looks to be trouncing Zabuza now that the mist isn't a problem and Zabuza is using normal weapons instead of my cleaver, I guess that just leaves Gato and his army of thugs to deal with." Sakura pondered aloud, "And I should probably do something about my appearance. Disguise Jutsu!"
Nothing happened.
"The hell? I've seen Sakura do this a million times, I know how the chakra should flow, why isn't it working?"
Sakura closed her eyes and focused for a bit. "Shit, I don't have chakra. My spiritual energy is there, but since Sakura's not here right now, Mrs. Torrance, her physical energy isn't meshing with it, meaning I have as much chakra as Lee."
Pouting, Sakura started jogging to the edge of the bridge, heading towards the unfinished end that she knew Gato would use to unload his thugs from a boat, taking care to circumvent the jonin, genin, and cross-dressing psuedo-nin on her way. "If I can't use external jutsu or physical enhancement, I guess I'll have to play it by ear."
Suddenly the malevolent chakra died out, just as a barge came into view from the end of the bridge from the mundane, non-empowered mist.
Sakura blinked
She remembered something; something red, something scary. Then, suddenly, she was at the other end of the bridge staring at a barge full of mercenaries. How had she gotten over here?
'That's not important right now, you have to prevent Gato and his thugs from getting off that boat. Your teammates and teacher are tired and wounded, enough so that a lucky hit from one of these bandits could bring them down. You're the only one in top shape right now.'
She had to take on all these mercenaries? Even if she was a ninja, there was still a very real chance she'd get hurt, then killed.
'Or worse.'
'Thanks, Ishi, for this impossible task'
'Would I ever give you any other kind?'
Thinking quickly, Sakura transformed into an older kunoichi with purple hair she had seen once or twice in the village. As the jutsu formed, she fealt a pang of...jealousy? Ishi had never been jealous of her jutsu before, so why now?
'Focus, it's show time.'
Clearing her throat, Sakura strode up to the gangplank that had been set up and took stock of the situation.
'The dwarf in the front, the one in the suit and shades, is Gato.'
'He came personally to a ninja battle? How the hell did this moron take over a country?'
'A Thern gave him access to the ninth ray.'
'I don't even...'
Gato was excited, today his plans would come to fruition. He would kill that meddlesome bridge-builder and his little ninja too. He'd be able to cash in on the generous bounty his missing-nin employee had on his head, and then no one would be able to stop his takeover of Wave country.
As he prepared to walk off the bangplank of his ship, a woman appeared from the mist, pushing the sailor who had secured the barge to the bridge into the water below.
Everyone stared at her as she took a position at the end of the gangplank and pulled out a blade of some kind.
"Who the hell to you think you are?" Gato shouted at the mysterious woman, "Get out of my way or you won't like what happens next."
The woman laughed. LAUGHED. How dare she? Gato made a note to break the woman until she begged to be his slave as soon as he was done here. Then, the woman threw her knife.
In a gentle arc directly over the barge.
Everyone's gaze followed the blade and tag fluttering behind it. This turned out to be a mistake.
*BOOM*
One hundred and fifty mercenaries, 20 sailors, and 1 Napoleonic business man began swearing profusely as they began to rub the stars from their eyes.
"I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF, YOU BITCH!" shouted the bonapartist.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaah, no. You may want to look around your boat." the bitch called back.
As he turned around and looked, he noticed more knives, buried into the deck at various places. Lots of knives. 'Where the hell did they all come from?' Gato thought, 'You can't walk 5 feet without tripping over a knife.' Each knife had a paper tag either tied to the ring on its hilt or wrapped around the handle.
His reverie was interrupted when the woman shouted, "ATTENTION ASSORTED MERCENARIES, BANDITS, AND THUGS, WE'RE GOING TO PLAY A GAME OF TOLL BOOTH. AS OF NOW, I OWN YOUR LIVES, IF YOU WIN THE GAME, SOME OF YOU MIGHT GET THEM BACK.
RULE 1: SHOULD ANYONE TRY TO CROSS THE GANGPLANK WITHOUT A TOLL, YOU ALL DIE IN FIRE.
RULE 2: SHOULD ANYONE ATTEMPT TO CUT THE BOAT FROM ITS MOORING AND SAIL AWAY, YOU ALL DIE IN FIRE.
RULE 3: SHOULD ANYONE JUMP OVERBOARD, YOU ALL DIE IN FIRE, BEFORE I TRACK DOWN THE JUMPER AND FLAY THE SKIN FROM HIS BONES.
RULE 4: SHOULD ANYONE ATTACK ME IN ANY MANNER, YOU ALL DIE IN FIRE.
ANY QUESTIONS?"
"YEAH, I GOT ONE, WHY THE HELL SHOULD BE PLAY YOUR GAME YOU GODDAMN BITCH?" screamed a merc from the crowd.
The woman promptly conjured a knife from thin air, threw it at the merc, stabbing him in the shoulder
"FUCK! YOU SHITTY EXCUSE FOR A-" *BOOM*
A fireball engulfed the offender and the 6 or so men who were standing to close to him.
"THAT'S WHY, YOU BASTARD OF A SYPHILITIC OYSTER AND AN OVERGROWN PUSTLE FROM A WILDABEAST'S ASS." screamed the monster on the gangplank at the shredded remnants of the offender.
Everyone on the boat gulped.
"WHAT'S THE TOLL?" called out a wavering voice from just outside the blast radius.
"Glad you asked. TODAY, I'M FEELING A LITTLE VISCERAL, SO THE TOLL IS SUCH: ANYONE WHO BRINGS ME ONE OF THE APPENDAGES OF GATO'S BODY WILL BE ALLOWED TO LEAVE IN PEACE, PROVIDED THEY GO HOME AND RETHINK THEIR LIFE. ONCE ALL 5 MAJOR APPENDAGES ARE IN MY POSSESSION, YOU ALL GET CLEANSED IN HOLY FIRE. IF YOU TRY TO SWIM FOR SAFETY, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT EXPLOSIVES STILL KILL PEOPLE IN WATER, THEY JUST SHRED YOUR LUNGS SO YOU DROWN IN YOUR OWN BLOOD INSTEAD OF BURNING ALIVE." smirking, the woman lowered her voice and addressed Gato directly: "As for who I am, as far as you're concerned, you little leech, I'm the heavenly goddess Amaterasu.
"You really think you can get my men to turn on me that easily?" Gato asked, "I own this-gurk" a scythe cut off his rant, as a mercenary decided to take initiative in protecting himself from the crazy ninja who though nothing of setting almost 200 men on fire. Taking the head he had severed, he walked from the speechless crowd to the gangplank, holding up Gato's head by his hair, and said, "Here's my toll, can I leave now?"
The monster smiled at him, "Yup, just leave your weapons here with me, and you're free to go, congrats on being the first one to pass through the toll-booth."
Quickly dropping his scythe and gato's head at her feet, the man walked calmly past the woman, making sure not to turn his back to her, then slowly backed away down the bridge. When he reached a distance of 20 feet from the beastly bitch, he turned and ran, squealing like a stuck pig.
The escape of one of their own seemed to shake the shock from the remainder of Gato's army. Those closest to Gato's corpse began hacking off his arms and legs. As soon as the limbs were free of the torso, the bandits immediately fell to violence, cutting down anyone who tried to leave with a piece of Gato. Only four more people could escape, and each bandit would be damned if they weren't one of those four. Besides, getting cut open had to be a better death than explosives.
In less than 10 minutes, the boat had been painted red, corpses piled up proving the severity of the brawl. The 3 thugs who were still alive were all injured, and would probably bleed out in the next minute or so.
Not one man had tried to swim for safety or attack Sakura in those 10 minutes.
"I'm so proud of you Sakura, that was quite a show. You managed to scare over a hundred adult men into pissing themselves with fear and killing each other, using primarily your words."
'I think I'm gonna puke.'
"Don't worry, you will, so get it out of the way now, then go see how everyone else is doing."
Sakura promptly fell to her knees and began heaving, her disguise dispelling as she did so, no longer able to keep her composure now that the threat of death or worse by bandit army wasn't forcing her to maintain a Flay-you-fillet-you-and-eat-your-soul demonic bitch persona. She had just managed to pull herself to her feet when her sensei, Naruto, and Sasuke walked out of the (mundane) mist to investigate the smell of blood.
Kakashi was having a superlative day, everything was either great or Oh-dear-god-whyyyyyyyyyyyyy for him at this time. Case in point, Zabuza had attacked in a straightforward manner, and without his sword and the unexpected neutralization of his Hiding in the Mist jutsu had made the fight largely trivial for him. The fight was slow, with more clone diversions and tactics, but Kakashi was trying to get a flawless victory.
However, the client's family had apparently been targeted while they were at the bridge, forcing him to do something that he hated to do: split the party.
Then, the Kyuubi's seal had slipped, not enough to release it, but enough to have Naruto radiate malice and corruption like there was no tomorrow.
So, when he resolved to finish his opponent quickly so he could assess Naruto's condition, he quickly stepped up his game, overpowering Zabuza with taijutsu, before slitting his throat, only to turn around and see that not only had Naruto calmed down, but he had also managed to dispatch Zabuza's hunter nin ally. He'd probably have to talk to Naruto about his first kill, but the battle was over. Sasuke was lying on the ground, filled with enough ice to match his personality, but he was breathing,and therefore alive, despite his apparent attempt to break Rule 1.
That just left Sakura, he thought he had felt her chakra moving further down the bridge during his fight, so he supposed he should get the boys and track down his absent student. Who knows what trouble she could get into on her own?
"Sakura?"
"They were going to kill us, then move on to the village" a pale Sakura murmured.
"What happened to them?"
"I talked to them, Kakashi-sensei, and they killed each other." She started to stumble away from the end of the bridge. "I think I need to lie down now, Kakashi-sensei."
Naruto and Sasuke walked past Sakura to see what she and Kakashi were talking about. Upon catching the sight of the gore, Naruto started to heave, while Sasuke started twitching. He hadn't seen anything since that night.
"Minions, head back to Tazuna's house, try to get some rest. We've had a big day, but we're all alive. I'll clean up, and we'll talk about this later."
"Hn"
"OK"
Sasuke and Naruto walked after Sakura, both in a daze from the remnants of Gato's men. Going and taking a bath seemed like a great idea, maybe they'd be able to sleep afterwards.