Where am I?

Does it hurt?

What happened?

I can hear them screaming, who's there?

I hear the sound of feet running on cold pavement, there are many people but I can't see them. Everything's happening so fast; I hear a woman shouting at a man. I know their voices; I'm still there. I hear someone crying; sobbing loudly.

It takes a while to realize that it's me. I'm crying, I'm still there and I'm still alive. I raise my head slowly but my vision is blurred from the tears and the confusion. My heart is hammering against my chest; my blood raging through my body so fast that it makes me feel dizzy and light-headed.

He's there. He's still there but he's not moving. His body lays on the ground in front of me and I can see blood pooling on the street. It's over. I hear footsteps behind me and there's more shouting; I look up from the body and he's there. All three of them, but I've never seen the woman before.

"Don't shoot," he told the detectives behind me loudly and calm at the same time.

"Who are you?" Frost wants to know.

Where's Jane?

"Supervisory Special Agent Jethro Gibbs," he said. "NCIS."

There was silence after the statement and he kept talking. "This s Special Agent DiNozzo, Special Agent McGee and Officer David," he explained and pointed at each one of them when he said their names. He put his gun away and approached slowly. "We have no intention in messing with you but you need to let me explain," he said and tried to be friendly; he knew very well that Detectives never liked another authority messing with their crime scenes. He certainly hated it and he wasn't up for a stupid turf war right now.

Maura was still sobbing quietly, trying to calm down. She was overwhelmed with everything that was happening. Only a few seconds ago she thought she was going to die and she would never see any of them again. The three people in front of her had already seen her dying once and she never thought she'd see them again either. There were still so many things that seemed confusing; so many questions that still needed answers and she didn't now if she was ready for that yet.

Jane watched her friend who was still kneeling on the street; she was crying and all Jane could do was watch and await what happened next. She was shocked not just by the information she got but for one second she thought that Maura had been shot. It left her unable to move or think, all she thought was that she hadn't been fast enough. She had hesitated too long and then it was over; how could she've been so stupid?

She wasn't quite ready for all of this, where should she start? She was confused and furious at the same time. She was disappointed and hurt, there she was. Right in front of her, sitting on the street in the middle of the night. She was crying and as much as Jane wanted to walk over and tell her that it'd all be alright, she couldn't move.

There were people claiming to be NCIS agents and she had no idea what they were doing here and why they knew this was happening tonight.

"Jane," Frost asked carefully. It took her a few seconds to realize that he was talking to her. "You gotta do something," he said and nodded in Maura's direction.

"I... I don't know..." she said and tried to get a grip on herself.

"She needs you," he said and Jane felt the pain inside her chest growing. She knew it was true and it broke her heart to see Maura like this. She didn't know what to say, she still hadn't processed all the information and she didn't even know if it was true.

"Maura," she said quietly and crouched down beside her. Her voice was low and shaky, it took all the strength she had to keep it steady. The last thing she needed was a breakdown in front of her team and the NCIS.

"I... I... Jane," she whispered. She didn't know what to say.

Gibbs watched them quietly for a moment before he walked over. It had been a while since he'd seen Kate. The last time had been the moment she died; or so he thought. He didn't know what was the right thing to do. Her death had been heard for all of them and he had no idea why she did what she did and a part of him was angry because she left them like this but the other part seemed relieved. It was really her and she was alive. Just like Jane he crouched down in front of Maura but addressed Jane first.

"Are you in charge here?"

"Yes, Detective Jane Rizzoli," she said and he nodded.

"I think we need to talk Detective Rizzoli," he told her. "Once we've cleaned up the mess."

Maura wiped the tears away with her sleeve and looked at Gibbs. She'd always trusted and confided in Gibbs; he'd believed in her from the first moment they met and yet she hadn't even been able to tell him the truth and she had never felt more sorry before.

"Good to see you, Caitlin," he said calmly and looked at her. She didn't know if he was angry or disappointed, it was hard to tell.

"I'm so sorry," she said quietly.

"So it's true?" Jane wanted to know and the sadness and the disappointed in her voice hurt Maura like a twisting knife in her stomach.

"Yes," she whispered without looking at Jane.

She didn't look at Maura, she got up without another word and waited.

"How did you know?" she asked Gibbs.

"I don't think we should discuss that now, I guess we've all had enough for tonight," Gibbs said.

"You're not going to ask questions?"

"Not now," he said and shook his head. "And I never planned on questioning him. I watched you die once, I couldn't do it again."

"Didn't you wanna know who he was?"

"We know that already," he said.

"So... this is about me and not the guy any more?"

"Maybe, yes," he said.

"What about rule no. 10?" she asked and almost laughed.

"Rules are made to be broken," he said and turned around to talk to Jane who had been quiet for the last part of the conversation.

"So this is really her?" Ziva asked McGee while they waited for some further instructions.

"Yes, this is Kate," he answered and they both looked at the woman in front of them. From the corner of her eye she watched Tony who'd been uncharacteristicly quiet ever since they arrived. He slowly walked toward Maura and stopped in front of her. She looked up and he held out his hand in silence. She looked a lot more beautiful then she already had years ago and despite the fact that she had betrayed them all in some way, he couldn't be angry. He was just happy to see her. She took his hand and he helped her stand up before he pulled her in a hug. She laid his arms around Tony, her head on his shoulder. He held her tightly and again she felt her body shivering with sobs.

"God, Tony," she whispered and he got out of the embrace; looking at her.

"Got nothing to say?" she asked and he gave her a weak smile.

"For once, I haven't," he admitted. "I can't believe it," he whispered after a few seconds of silence. "I'm glad you're save now."

"What have I done?" she asked more to herself and looked him in the eyes. He was still the same man she had worked with but there was something about him that had changed. She shook her head and turned around. Gibbs was talking to Jane and she seemed eerily quiet; every one else was just waiting.

What for, Maura couldn't tell.

"Oh God, what now?" she asked when she thought of going back and answer all their questions; trying to justify what she had done.

"Now, you need some rest," Tony told her.

"Don't you wanna know why?"

"Yes, but Gibbs already said it. Not tonight," he told her and she walked past him to hug McGee.

"I've missed you," he said.

"I missed you too," she told him. "All of you."

She looked at the woman next to him who'd been waiting quietly next to him and she held out her hand.

"You must be Kate," she said.

"Well," Maura said and took a deep breath. "That's who I used to be. I prefer Maura Isles," she told her and Ziva nodded.

"Dr. Isles, the paramedics are waiting," one of the officers told her.

"I don't need them, thank you John," she said.

"But don't you think-"

"I'm okay," she said and turned around to walk back to Jane's car. "See you in the morning," she said when she turned around one last time. She needed to be alone, she had to think and try to deal with everything that had happened. She felt emotionally drained, overwhelmed and exhausted and she couldn't take any more. She was tired and hurt and she knew that it was just the beginning; the worst part would be the moment when the shock subsided and reality started to sink in. She got into the passenger's seat of Jane's car and closed the door. She didn't know how to get away from here since she came here with Jane and she was afraid of how Jane would react when she finally faced her alone. It scared her more then anything else had before.

Through the windshield she watched them all and it felt like she was watching them through a thick haze; it was all there but so distant at the same time. She leaned back, her head against the window and closed her eyes. She let the tears flow silently and waited. She always believed that things would be better once you got a bit of sleep, once the sun rose to brighten up dark night. Every would be better in the light of day but she had lost her faith in that soothing thought.

She couldn't tell what the morning would bring. She might wake up with the feeling of having lost everything she fought for so dearly; insecure about everyone's reaction and their questions. For the moment there was only darkness when she thought of the next morning that would come soon. She felt like she was walking on a thin line and she was about to fall off any moment. She was torn between her old life and the one she had been leading until now. What if everything would change again from now on? She couldn't deal with it, she hadn't had any strength left for that. She loved her life; her job in Boston and the people she worked with every day. And she loved Jane; she loved her more then anything else and the thought of losing her was something she couldn't deal with.

She knew she had hurt Jane but she wouldn't walk away this time; she would fight no matter how long it took.

She had almost fallen asleep by the time Jane reached the car; she watched her sitting down in the driver's seat and leaned back without a word. Just like Maura she was tired and confused; maybe even shocked.

Maura stared straight ahead; she might as well have been alone in that car.

"I'll take you home," Jane said quietly without looking at her and all Maura could do was nod. She closed her eyes and tried to breathe calmly while the tears kept falling down her face. She didn't know how long it took them to get to her house but when Jane stopped the car in front of her's she didn't want to get out of the car. She didn't want to leave Jane; she wanted to stay with her. After a while, Jane got out of the car; she stared into the empty street and her head bowed down.

Maura got out of the car and watched Jane.

"Thank you," she said quietly and turned to get into the house and the walk toward her front door had never seemed longer. She didn't turn around when she heard footsteps behind herself and walked into the house. Jane followed her wordlessly and closed the door.

"Talk to me, Jane," Maura said desperately while she stood in the middle of her living room. "Please!"

"Yell at me, do whatever you need, but please talk to me," she begged her and Jane took a deep breath.

"I just don't understand," Jane said quietly and Maura knew she was deeply hurt; she couldn't blame her. "Why?"

Maura approached; she wanted to reach out and take Jane's hand.

"It's... complicated," Maura said. "I... didn't have a chance!"

"I trusted you," Jane said and her voice was nothing more but a whisper. "With everything!"

"There's no reason you can't trust me, Jane!" she said and laid her face in her hands for a second.

"Really? You lied to me about who you are ever since we met and you tell me I can trust you?"

"I didn't have a chance," Maura said and tried hard not to burst into tears. "I was protecting you! The truth is not always what we want to hear; sometimes it's better not to know the truth," she whispered. "You know me Jane," she said and stretched out her arms, looking around the room. "This is who I am!"

Jane shook her head. "I don't know what to do," she said. "That's just too much..."

"Too much for you?" Maura asked. She was sad and desperate but she was also angry. "This is not just about you Jane!" she said and raised her voice. "Do you really think it was an easy decision to have my death faked? Make everyone believed I was killed and leave everything behind that I had? My work, my friends and my job!" She nearly shouted and felt fresh tears burning in her eyes; the old ones hadn't even dried yet. "Can you even imagine how hard it was to give it all up and never look back? It caused me so much pain and made me feel guilty all the way. I hated myself for what I did and it took all my strength not to turn around and walk back into the life I had."

She paused and took a deep breath; her voice was teary.

"I missed it all so much and being so lonely all of a sudden was the most terrible thing I had experienced so far. No matter where I went, I had to be careful with everything I said. I always turned around twice because I was afraid someone might find out! Do you think this is the life I had wanted? That this was the way I had imagined my future? I loved what I had with all my heart but..." she paused and wiped a few tears from her face.

"... it was over. I couldn't talk about it; I was afraid someone might notice or ask too many questions. I hardly had any friends because I couldn't trust anyone. It was awful... until I came to Boston."

This time Jane laid her face in her hands; taking a few deep breaths.

"Look at me for God's sake!" she yelled at Jane and stepped a little closer. Finally Jane faced her; she didn't know whether to be surprised or angry. "It was terrible and painful and certainly the most awful time of my life but..." she said and bit her lip.

"I would do it again," she said and didn't lower her voice. "I would do it again if I had to because I met you Jane! You are the best thing that has happened to me; your friendship kept me sane and it finally made me feel like I found a place where I belong. A place where I felt at home," she said and cried. "I would do it again," she said and her voice was only a tearful whisper in the end.

Jane looked at her and Maura saw the tears in her eyes. She stood still when Jane cupped her face and kissed her; Maura laid her arms around her and replied the kiss with need. She felt Jane's body shivering with muffled sobs. She pulled Maura close, there was no doubt this was the woman she'd fallen in love with and it broke her heart but leaving her now would be even worse.

She laid her head on Maura's shoulder and closed her eyes; it felt so right to be with her. She inhaled the sweet scent that would always remind her of Maura and she knew that couldn't be true. How could she be someone who was completely different, the entire opposite of the person she held in her arms. She didn't want to believe it. It still hurt and she'd need time to deal with the truth. Tonight the truth was that the woman she held in her arms had been very close being shot. They were lucky that he kept talking, she didn't even want to imagine what had happened if he hadn't cared about the rest. He could've shot her out of the dark and it would've been nothing she could've done about it. Again she felt her body shaking with sobs and held on to Maura.

After a while, Jane leaned her forehead against Maura's.

"Let's not talk tonight," Maura whispered.

"Okay," Jane agreed; she couldn't take more tonight either.

"I'll be right back," Maura told her and went to her bedroom to get some comfort clothes. Before she returned to Jane she went to the bathroom splash some cold water on her face. She looked at her reflection in the mirror; she'd always thought that nothing had really changed. Sure she'd gotten a few years older and she'd changed her hair color but actually she was still the same. She had always believed it; every morning she looked in the mirror.

What would anyone else think now? Would they still see the same person?

She left the bathroom and found Jane sitting on the bed in the guest room that had always been hers in some way but Maura couldn't remember the last time Jane had actually slept in it. Just like Maura she had changed into a pair of sweatpants and one of Maura's BCU shirts and was sitting on the bed with her back to Maura.

Maura climbed on the bed and laid her arms around Jane's shoulders, her head resting on her right shoulder. Jane closed her eyes and leaned back; slowly relaxing a little. She put her hand on Maura's and squeezed it gently.

Later that night when the sun was already starting to rise over Boston Jane laid awake. She couldn't sleep; she kept hearing the man talking and no matter how hard she tried, her brain wouldn't let her rest. She couldn't think clearly and she couldn't let go. She kept turning around again and again but nothing helped her to go back to sleep and she didn't want to wake Maura.

She slipped out of the bed quietly and walked to the bathroom. She splashed some water on her face and sat down at the edge of the bathtub. In the silence of the night and the darkness of the room she finally allowed her tears to flow. She kept crying quietly until she was exhausted and tired. She needed a little distance. She couldn't go back to the bedroom now; she had to be alone. She needed some time to breathe and think.

She quietly walked back to the bedroom to get her phone and left; before she opened the front door she turned around again and wrote a short note for Maura so she wouldn't worry too much in the morning and left the house. By the time she sat in her car she noticed that Frankie had tried to call her a couple of times already. There were a few texts as well.

What the hell is going on? Call me asap. Frankie.

She leaned back and sighed. It was almost 4am but the message had been sent only 30 minutes ago. He was probably working.

Her phone rang again before she had a chance to dial his number.

"Come on, it's in the middle of the night," Jane said quietly. She was finally starting to get tired.

"What's the hell is going on? I heard them talking, what's going on with Maura? Is she okay?"

"Yes, she will be... I guess," she said and pinched the back of her nose with her thumb and index finger. "Can we please not talk about that now?"

"Where are you?"

"On my way home," she said and started the car. "No word to ma and pop; whatever it is that you heard."

"Okay," he said. "Have a good night then."

"Thanks."

"Oh, Jane?" he asked before he dropped the connection.

"Mhm..."

"Are you okay?"

"No... I... I don't know," she answered. "See you tomorrow," she said and threw her phone on the passenger's seat to drive home.