A/N: Thank you, thank you, thank you! I can't express how much I appreciate all the support for this story. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter and I'll do my best to get the next chapter up soon. Thanks as always to my wonderful betas (WickedlyClever and Court81981)
Come follow me on tumblr! thegirlonpeetamellark dot tumblr dot com :)
Guilt. Anger. Most of all pain.
That's what I've been dealing with for the past week, although it feels like much longer.
Since I saw Peeta kis...with that girl at the bar...I feel as if everything I've always known has shattered to pieces around me.
I used to think I was a good person. I used to think I was strong. I used to think I was in love with Gale.
But now I'm not so sure, because if all those things were true I wouldn't have done what I did. I wouldn't have given myself to Gale on the pretense that I loved and cared for him, when now looking back on it, I realize I was just acting out in response to how it felt to see Peeta with someone else.
The guilt gnaws at me, consistent and heavy, and refusing to ease up not even for a moment. There is a pain in my heart and a weight on my chest that I haven't been able to shake since that fateful night. I'm mad at myself, I'm mad at Peeta, and it is a struggle to even look Gale in the eye.
I feel the divide between Gale and I growing wider everyday. Something feels wrong between us. I think he has started to realize my heart and mind aren't in the right places and he's stopped trying to make any advances. He's quieter now too and for some reason it feels like we're walking on eggshells when we're around one another.
The turmoil between us adds to my feelings of guilt, but the pain I feel, the longing mixed with sorrow, is all because of Peeta.
It always comes back to Peeta.
It was like some cruel, sick joke. Sitting in that bar, realizing Peeta was the one I wanted, realizing that I wanted to take that risk if it meant I got to be with him, only to find him in the arms of another. I had waited too long, missed my chance, and now I had to deal with my choices and their consequences.
At that last session we had together, when I couldn't even look at him, I was so mad and hurt and he had no idea why because he doesn't know I saw. He made sure to remind me that I actually had no right to be upset though, that I had pushed him away and picked Gale and he didn't owe me anything.
After that I knew I couldn't handle sitting in that room again, that I could never go back and pretend that things were normal between us. I could never open myself up to him again and let him see into my soul. Not as my friend and definitely not as my grief counselor.
Making that call to him asking to be switched to a different grief counselor was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I wanted to tell him that I love him and that I will be forever grateful for what he did for me. I wanted to scream that I had picked him, that I wish he had waited just a moment longer before deciding to give up on me.
In the end though I said none of those things. I was short and cold and demanded to be transferred despite his protests.
And now he is out of my life and I don't know if I'll ever be whole again.
I hear the familiar sound of keys in the lock at my door and I turn from my spot in the kitchen to see Gale coming inside.
"Hey," I greet him before returning my attention to the dirty dishes in the sink.
"Hi," he greets me tonelessly.
It's been like this for a while now. Something is wrong between us and I'm starting to suspect it has to do with more than just the whole issue of Peeta hanging over my head.
He has been distant and awkward and now that I'm thinking about it, it feels like it has been going on a lot longer than I even realized. I've only just noticed it now though because before I had been so caught up with the things I was starting to feel for Peeta.
And I didn't think it was possible to feel worse than I already do.
"Can I hop in your shower?" Gale asks me, putting his things down. "Rory and Vick used up all the hot water at our place."
"Yeah sure," I agree as he disappears into the bathroom.
When I finish up the dishes I move over to the couch and turn the TV on, entertaining myself for a while before Gale emerges from the bathroom with a towel around his neck that he uses to dry his hair.
He comes over to the living room and takes a seat in the chair adjacent to the couch instead of sitting next to me. I frown momentarily, but then shrug it off, returning my attention to the TV.
He doesn't say anything for a long time and then finally he speaks up.
"Katniss...I need to tell you something."
A jolt of fear goes through me, a sickening feeling blooming deep in my stomach. I sit up, studying him carefully, the way he's not looking at me, the way his head is hanging, his dejected body language.
"What...what is it?" I ask, trying to keep my voice from trembling.
I feel my heart start to pound a little faster as I realize that it wasn't all in my head, that something is wrong between Gale and me and it's not only coming from my end.
"I...I did something..." Gale starts and then stops, obviously struggling to get the words out. I'm holding my breath, waiting until he finishes telling me whatever it is that I know I'm not going to like.
"I...the secretary at my office, Glimmer..." he swallows thickly and looks up to meet my eyes for the first time since he sat down and I brace myself for the blow. "...there was an office party...I was really drunk...it was just one time."
I double over in pain because it feels like someone just punched me in the gut. I'm shaking my head in disbelief and closing my eyes hoping I could go back to moments before when I didn't have to know this.
Anger. Betrayal. Disbelief.
That's what I'm trying to deal with in the moment.
Finally, I hear Gale's voice come back to me through a fog.
"I'm so sorry, Katniss. I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it back."
"What-" I finally manage to gasp out, realizing my face is wet with tears. "What did you do?"
He looks at me confused for a moment, trying to figure out what I mean. But then as realization sinks in as to what I'm asking he looks away, ashamed.
"We didn't have sex," he responds.
When he says those words a thousand images go through my mind of everything else he could have done with that bleached blonde slut.
I picture him kissing her, holding her, feeling her.
I picture her on her knees, taking him in her mouth.
Then I remember how he let her sit with us at our table that night at the bar, the way she sat across from me like she wasn't a whore that had hooked up with my boyfriend.
I feel the rage blind me. I want to kick and scream and pound against his chest until I break down. I want to collapse into a sobbing mess and let everything that I've been feeling for weeks all out.
It is on the tip of my tongue to tell him that we're done, to tell him to get the hell out and never come back. I'm just about to speak up too when images of Peeta and I over the past couple of months come back to haunt me.
Flirting.
Hugging so tightly not an inch separates us.
Holding hands.
Being mere moments from kissing if it had not been for an obnoxious neighbor.
And the words die in my throat when I realize I am far from completely innocent or blameless in this relationship.
"Please...please say something Katniss," I snap out of whatever daze I was in when I realize Gale is on his knees on floor in front of me, looking up at me with desperation.
Without meaning to, without realizing what I'm doing, I let the words slip because on some level I guess I want to hurt him right now in this moment as much as he has hurt me.
"I developed feelings for someone else."
He looks as if I have just literally slapped him he's so shocked and taken off guard by what I've said. He practically flinches, pulling back and looking at me in a completely different light then he had been moments earlier.
Moments ago he saw me like an angel that could grant him forgiveness and salvation.
Now he's looking at me like he's not sure who I am exactly.
I try to ignore the bitter, cruel part of me that is glad to see him feeling the pain that is eating away at me right now.
Finally, he regains his bearings and speaks up. "What...okay, okay...I don't..." he's struggling to remain composed, trying to figure out how best to approach this. "So what are you saying?" He finally asks, looking up at me through hooded eyes.
"I...I guess I'm saying that I haven't exactly been perfect either," I finally admit, because it's the truth, that's what stopped me from screaming at him that we were finished.
I see Gale relax a little as he realizes this conversation is not going to just be about the wrongs he has committed, that this discussion has gone in an entirely unexpected direction.
"So...so do you still have feelings for him?" Gale asks and I can tell he's dreading the answer.
Yes.
I push that thought away though because it feels too late for Peeta and me now. We've both made our decisions and we've both missed our chance to see what could have happened between us. That time has passed and I can't keep holding onto hope of something that never was and never will be.
"It doesn't matter," I tell him and I know that's not what he wanted to hear, but it's all I can give him at the moment. "We both messed up, okay? But that doesn't change the fact that you are a huge part of my life and I don't want to end things like this. We owe it to what we've meant to each other for so long not to give up yet."
"You're right," Gale agrees immediately, nodding his head. I can tell he doesn't exactly agree with me about everything but he's so desperate to grab onto the second chance I've given us. "I'm so sorry, Katniss."
He reaches out to pull me into a hug and there is less than half a second where I hesitate and nearly flinch away from his touch, but I correct myself almost immediately and hope he doesn't notice.
The way his face drops as he pulls me into his arms and how his voice is filled with sorrow as he speaks next however, tells me he did notice it.
"I'm so sorry, Katniss," he repeats as we hold onto each other and try and convince ourselves that things between us could ever really be the same.
The next day I decide to call into work sick. I stay in bed all day watching crappy TV and eating junk food.
I feel worse if that's possible.
I reach over to my nightstand to grab my cell phone and dial the number for the one person in this world who can make me feel better right now.
It rings three times and then I hear the breathless answer.
"Hello?"
"Hey little duck," I say with a smile. I need to talk to my sister right now, I need to feel her close and pretend that she's by my side through all of this.
"Katniss!" She squeals excitedly.
"How was school?"
"Oh you know, same ol' same ol'," Prim laughs. "I miss you," she adds after a moment and I feel my heart twist in my chest.
"I miss you too," I tell her through a shaky breath. "I told you our case was already sent to the judge though, right? We should be getting a decision any day now."
"I know you told me," Prim replies. "Oh, I'm so excited Katniss. I love Effie, but she can be a little much sometimes," she adds with a laugh.
I want to tell her not to get her hopes up, that we don't know if the judge will give me guardianship yet, but I don't have it in me to put a damper on her spirit.
So instead I just say, "I know, I'm excited too."
There is a long moment of silence that hangs between us, but it's not uncomfortable. It's just nice to hear her breathing and know that she's with me right now and I'm with her even if we're separated by distance and circumstances beyond our control.
"So...how's Gale?" Prim asks after a while and my heart starts to speed up and my palms start to sweat.
"Gale?" I ask nervously.
"Yeah, you know, your boyfriend?" Prim laughs. "Lived down the hall from us since we moved there," she elaborates.
"He's fine," I say evasively.
"And how are you guys?" She persists.
When did she get so noisy and intuitive, I wonder briefly. I debate over how to answer this question for a moment before finally deciding on just answering it honestly.
"Gale and I...we're going through a little bit of a rough patch if I'm going to be honest," I admit.
She's quiet for a long time on the other end of the phone and I start to think that maybe I shouldn't bring Prim into the mess that is my personal life. She already has enough on her plate.
"We'll be okay though, promise," I tell her to try and ease her worries.
She still doesn't respond and I'm about to ask her if something is wrong when she finally speaks up.
"And uh..what about you and Peeta?"
The question completely throws me. Peeta is the very last thing I expected her to bring up.
"What about us?" I ask carefully, wondering where she's going with this.
She huffs out a big breath of annoyance and I can practically picture her rolling her eyes at me.
"I'm not stupid, Katniss," she tells me plainly and I find I have no words.
"I remember that day at the park, the way you two looked at each other. It's like I told you when you guys dropped me off at Effie's at the end of the day, he makes you happy," she explains simply.
Suddenly there is a ball of emotion in my throat that is making it impossible to say anything and impossible not to lose my composure.
"So what are you saying?" I finally whisper as the memories of that day I spent with Peeta at the park hit me full force. I remember the way he caressed my face, the way he opened up to me, the sexual tension between us. Everything about that day was perfect. I've never felt closer to someone in my life and just thinking about it now and knowing how it just all fell apart after that makes me ache with pain and longing.
"I'm saying I love Gale," Prim begins. "But if I'm going to be perfectly honest I never understood why you guys started dating. I always thought you guys were better off as just friends. You are both too much alike."
I laugh, a cold and bitter chuckle, as I realize that it's taking my baby sister to voice something I should have known a long time ago, something I think I always did know, but just didn't want to deal with.
I fight through the tears that are making it hard for me to speak. "And you're just telling me this now?" I tease her.
She laughs and the sound makes me smile.
"I was hoping you'd come to realize it yourself someday," she defends herself.
"I just want you to know that I've never seen you the way you were with Peeta. I've never seen blush like that, I've never seen your eyes light up, I've never seen you so clearly want something and have no idea how to hide it."
That does it. I'm crying freely now, wishing I could go back to that day at the park and relive every moment, get back what I felt when I was with Peeta because the fact it's gone and lost forever now is too much to handle.
I'm quiet for a while as I wipe the tears away and try and regain the ability to speak. Prim is nice enough not to say anything until I've composed myself.
"I love you little duck," I finally manage to speak.
"I love you Katniss," she responds, "and I just want you to be happy."
And I tell her that she makes me happy and I would be lost without her because it's the truth and to think about anything else in the moment hurts too much.
A few days later Gale comes over when I'm in the middle of making dinner.
"Hey," he greets me as he puts his work things down by the door.
"Oh hi," I reply, bringing over the pasta to the strainer in the sink.
It's been like this since we admitted our...transgressions...to each other. We're awkward and distant and part of me wonders how long we can keep this up, pretending things are okay.
"Can I help you with dinner?" He asks, shoving his hands into his pockets.
"Um, I'm actually just finishing up," I tell him and I see the way his face falls just slightly, like me not wanting his help is another indication of how rough things are between us right now. "But umm...you can clear off the table and set out the plates," I offer weakly and he jumps at the chance.
He's gathering the mail and other paper that has accumulated on the dining room table when I see him hesitate, staring down at something in the mess of paper.
He reaches down and picks up a small white card.
"Peeta Mellark..." he says the name and my stomach bottoms out and I feel my hands start to shake.
He stares at the business card for a while, studying it carefully. He slowly flips it over to the back side and I see his eyes go wide at the numbers that are hand written there.
He looks over at me with a mixture of curiosity and disbelief. He is slowly putting things together, but he isn't ready to jump to conclusions just yet.
"Peeta Mellark...he's your grief counselor, right?" He asks me for confirmation, "the guy I met at the bar that one time?"
I can only nod my head in response, my heart hammering in my chest.
"Why is his cell phone number on here, Katniss?" He asks and I notice the slight change in his tone as it gets harder, sharper. His eyes narrow and his nostrils flare a little as he has to work to control his breathing.
I know he doesn't want to say it, but considering how I'm not responding he's not going to have a choice. And maybe part of me wants him to be the one to say it so I don't have to, so I don't have to acknowledge it.
"Was he the guy, Katniss? The one you said you had feelings for? Or maybe you still have feelings for him?" Gale asks, his anger making it hard for him to keep it together.
I cross my arms in front of my chest defensively and take a couple of cautious steps towards him.
"What do you want me to say?" I shrug. "I'm not going to apologize for having my grief counselor's phone number."
I can tell my refusal to answer his questions only upsets him more and he throws down the card in disgust, making a sound of disbelief.
"This is un-fucking-believable," he spits out. "It's nice to see he didn't take advantage of his position of authority with you!"
Something inside me snaps. I feel the anger surge through me at the harshness of his tone, at his accusations, at the fact that he has the nerve to be upset with me after what he did. I hate that he's trying to suggest that Peeta just used his position as my grief counselor to get close to me. I hate that he thinks he knows Peeta well enough to question what his intentions were when he was trying to help me get better. I'm the one who knows him. I know what was Peeta being my grief counselor and what was him being my friend.
And now I've lost them both, I remind myself.
"You have no right, Gale! Not after what you did with that blonde slut!" I shout at him, needing to release this pent up anger I feel towards him, this rage I never let out after he admitted what he had done the other night.
His face falls just slightly when I bring up Glimmer, but he doesn't lose any of his rage. "I was drunk out of my mind!" He shouts at me, a bit of desperation and remorse and sadness creeping into his voice and features. "It didn't mean a god damn thing to me and I felt horrible about it immediately!"
He takes a deep shuddering breath and then looks at me with hurt, conflicted eyes. "But I never gave her part of my heart, Katniss. I never had any real feelings for her."
His words settle over me and I feel them twisting at my gut, shame and sorrow mixing in my heart and expanding, making me feel his pain. I hear the unspoken meaning behind his words: that in a way, my sin was worse, my transgression far more grave because it wasn't a one time drunken hook up, it was real and emotional and a lot more meaningful.
I swallow the lump in my throat and look down at the floor.
"What do you want me to say?" I ask with a shrug, holding my hands out helplessly. "That I'm sorry he helped me heal? That I'm sorry he helped me get better?"
Gale makes a sound like a scoff and a sigh. He shakes his head helplessly and just continues to look back at me, the betrayal clear in his eyes.
"I'm sorry," I squeak out, knowing he deserves to hear this from me. "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't set out to make a connection with him. I had to do this to get my sister back," I tell him honestly. The next words fall from my lips before I can think better of it and after they've been said I know I cannot take them back, that maybe I don't want to.
"I never meant to fall for him," I say in a sad whisper.
His eyes dart up to meet mine as we both slowly realize what I just said. The weight of my words creates an uncomfortable tension in the room and then it's like I'm trapped, unable to look away from his angry glare.
And he should be angry, furious even.
Because I just admitted I'm in love with Peeta Mellark.
His eyes are wide, shocked and blinded with rage as he stands there, taking in everything that just transpired.
In an instant he reaches out for a coffee mug on the counter and turns, hurling it against the opposite wall where it hits and then shatters to pieces, falling to the floor.
I'm frozen, terrified as I stand there watching him, waiting to see what he'll do next. He turns back to me and stares at me coldly, his breath coming out in ragged gasps, his chest heaving up and down.
In the next moment he lets out a guttural cry, a scream so full of sorrow and fury it's nearly barbaric. I flinch away from the sound and when he finishes he collapses into the chair at the dining table.
I move towards the couch in the living room and sink down onto it numbly, still not sure how to process what just happened.
We're both quiet for a long time.
Neither of us saying anything, too caught up in our own despair and dazed from what just transpired to think clearly.
Finally, he is the first one to speak up.
"This is not going to work is it?"
And I'm surprised by how much those words hurt to hear, even if I know they're true, even though I've been expecting this for a while.
"I'm sorry," I manage to gasp out through the tears that have started to fall. "I never meant to hurt you."
He sighs and gets up from his seat at the table, coming over to sit beside me on the couch. He puts his arm around me and I don't hesitate to curl into his body, appreciating the comfort and familiarity of him.
"I know you didn't, Catnip," he says softly. "And I never meant to hurt you either, but I don't think we can keep pretending anymore. Things haven't been the same between us for a while."
I let a small sob escape as I realize that this is really happening, that I'm losing my best friend, that everything we put into our relationship, into actually dating for more than a year, has been for naught.
"I love you," I tell him because it's true and because I want him to know that he will always mean something to me.
"Love you too," he mumbles, pressing a kiss to my hair. "I just don't think we're cut out for a relationship," he says with a sad attempt at a little chuckle.
And even though on some level I knew this was coming, even though part of me wanted this, it doesn't make any of it hurt any less.
We just hold each other for the rest of the night, not saying anything, just clinging to what we once had and realizing that we've lost it all now for good.
For the next couple of days I feel a bit strange.
It's almost like I'm walking around in a daze, confused by the mix of emotions I'm experiencing.
There is a part of me that feels relief, that is happy that Gale and I realized we were not good together romantically and we couldn't keep up the charade any longer. It feels good not to have that weight on me anymore, not to feel the conflict over my relationship with him that had been plaguing me for weeks.
At the same time though I feel a little lost. I feel strangely alone when days go by where I don't see or talk to him. He has been a constant presence in my life since we met and now he simply isn't anymore and I know it's going to take some getting used to.
During this time I reflect a lot about our relationship and what it meant to me. I slowly come to understand that as much as I love Gale, I never loved him the way my mother loved my father, I was never truly in love with him.
I realized I never really gave him my heart and it was a conscious decision. I never let him in, I never felt that strongly because I knew that kind of love only leads to heartache, I knew that I didn't want to be destroyed by it.
Gale was the safe and easy choice because when it comes down to it, I think I can live without him.
I try my hardest not to think about how with Peeta it is the complete opposite. With Peeta he consumes me, he makes me want him so badly I feel it in my bones. When I think of Peeta I think about how with him it would not be a matter of choice, with him I would be overwhelmed by how much I would need him, how much I would want him in my life.
And I'm doing a somewhat decent job of keeping Peeta from my thoughts until I get a call from Haymitch one day asking me to come meet him at his office.
I'm hesitant and nervous and unsure when I step into the social worker's office. He looks up from his paperwork when he hears me knock and shoots me an amused smirk.
"Well, come in," he says, "I got news!"
When I step into his office and take a seat across from him I can feel my stomach doing flips as I realize that this is it.
Everything comes down to this.
Haymitch must see something in my expression that reveals what I'm thinking because he starts laughing a little. "Don't freak out just yet, sweetheart," he tells me, leaning forward in his chair. "I don't know whether you got custody of your sister yet."
Oh. My heart constricts and there is an empty, hollow feeling in my stomach because I just got my hopes up for nothing.
"So what's the news then?" I ask, confused why he would bring me down here otherwise.
"The news is that my old pal Judge Chaff will be making the decision today about whether you get custody or not," he explains.
I scoot to the edge of my seat, heart speeding up again, mind racing, my whole body practically shaking. "Oh my god, really?"
"You think I would joke about that?" Haymitch returns, picking up the phone on his desk.
"Who are you calling?"
"I'm calling Chaff, who else would I be calling?" He shoots me a curious glance.
"But, I mean, why?" I stutter out.
"He wanted to speak with you directly before he announced his decision," Haymitch clarifies and I wring my hands together as my palms start to sweat.
He dials the number and then greets Judge Chaff when he picks up, making small talk for a moment.
"Yeah, I got her right here, hold on," He says before putting the phone down and putting it on speaker.
"Is this Ms. Katniss Everdeen?" A warm voice asks and I try to calm my racing heart before answering.
"Um yes sir," I reply softly, "this is Katniss. Thank you so much for taking the time to review my case, I really appreciate it."
I try and take deep breaths and move my hands under my legs so I can sit on them in an attempt to stop my nervous fidgeting. My whole body is trembling now and I can feel the blood pounding in my head as I wait for the news that will determine my fate, Prim's fate.
"Well Ms. Everdeen, I was happy to do it for my friend Haymitch, we go way back," Judge Chaff explains and when I dart my eyes over to Haymitch across the desk he has an amused smirk. "But I'll stop beating around the bush and get right to it," he continues, his tone taking on that of an authority figure.
"I would like to hear from you directly Ms. Everdeen about how you think you've changed in the months since your mother died and your sister has been living with Ms. Trinket. How has working with a grief counselor helped you?"
I swallow thickly and frantically search my brain for the best answer, for the exact thing that I should say.
"Um...I...well, I..."
He interrupts me almost immediately though. "No need to be nervous, dear. I'm simply curious. This isn't a test, it won't change anything about the case."
I take another deep breath and try to start again, a little more at ease now that I know I don't have to impress him, that I can just be honest.
"Well, to be honest, after my mother died and Prim left I was really angry. I was angry and hurting. And I was pretty less than thrilled with Haymitch's suggestion to attend grief counseling," I add and I can't help but smile a little when I see Haymitch's self-satisfied smirk across the desk.
"But then..." I falter a little when all these memories and feelings involving Peeta come to mind. I close my eyes and push back against the wave of emotion that hits me anytime I think of him. "But then Peeta, um my grief counselor, he really helped me to open up, he helped me remember all the good memories I had of my father. He made me realize that I couldn't keep running away from the pain of losing him. He showed me that sometimes the best way for me to deal with everything was to write it down."
I hastily wipe away a few of the silent tears that have fallen.
"I still have a ways to go I think, but he definitely got me started on the right track," I say with a sad little laugh.
The other end of the line is quiet for a moment and I wonder if I said the wrong thing or if he simply got disconnected, but then Judge Chaff speaks up again.
"That's all very encouraging to hear, Ms. Everdeen," he says. "From my talks with Primrose she's had nothing but positive things to say about you as a sister and in your ability to take care of her. I can only hope, however, that you'll continue to focus on your own well being as well when she is placed in your care."
My heart skips a beat.
"Of course, sir, absolutely," I agree, nodding my head emphatically.
"I would also be remiss if I didn't encourage you to go back to school. I'm sure you could work a few classes at the community college into your schedule as it would lead to greater career options for you in the future."
"Absolutely," I agree again.
"Well, Ms. Everdeen, I think I can confidently say after speaking with you today and Mr. Mellark a few days earlier-"
"You spoke with Peeta?" I interrupt him without thinking, surprised by this revelation.
"Yes, I had the pleasure of speaking with Mr. Mellark very recently," Judge Chaff laughs.
I take this in and feel my chest tighten when I realize I called Peeta and asked to be transferred to a new grief counselor almost two weeks ago.
And yet, he still talked to the judge for me. He did it for me despite not owing me anything, despite the fact he had no responsibility towards me after I so easily dismissed him, after I basically pushed him out of my life.
"He had absolutely nothing but wonderful things to say about you," Judge Chaff continues as if his words aren't slowly making my heart crumble to pieces. "He is quite fond of you. It's obvious he cares about you a great deal. You were lucky to get such an intelligent and well spoken counselor," he adds with a laugh. "He made my job extremely easy because he was so thorough."
I duck my head to avoid Haymitch's gaze as the tears start to fall more steadily.
I'm glad Judge Chaff can't see me at the moment.
"I'm granting you guardianship of Ms. Primrose Everdeen, Katniss," he says over the phone and everything inside me burns, burns, burns and it is the salvation I had been waiting for. "I trust you'll take very good care of her, but don't forget about yourself."
I can't hold back any longer.
I burst out into tears, trying to cover the sobs as I realize that my little duck is coming home. The relief is so sweet it's overwhelming. The anxiety and frustration and loss and pain I have been dealing with since she moved in with Effie all those months ago leaves me in an instant and it's pure bliss.
I can barely manage a few thank yous in between my crying fit and Haymitch finally takes pity on me and takes the phone off of speaker to talk to Judge Chaff directly before hanging up.
Among all the exultation and euphoria I'm experiencing with the knowledge that Prim is coming home is the thought of what Peeta did for me.
The fact that he talked to Judge Chaff after I told him I didn't want him as my grief counselor anymore. The fact that he did his best to help me get Prim back. The fact that he talked about me so kindly even after I pushed him out of my life.
It blows my mind - although, at this point it shouldn't - that Peeta could possibly be so kind to do this for me after everything that's transpired between us over the past few weeks. I don't think there is anything I can do to repay him for what he's done for me, nothing I can do to make us even for the gift he's given me: my sister.
But I realize I can't let this go unnoticed or unappreciated. I have to talk to him and set things straight. I have to make things between us okay again.
I miss him so much it hurts. And I want him in my life again.