i don't own Twilight or anything that has to do with Twilight

this chapter was not supposed to take this long and i'm sorry it did.. i ended up writing 6 different beginnings before it finally sounded right.. hopefully it's worth the wait :)

Chapter 10: Strange Feelings

EPOV

I'm a horrible person, a monster.

I've made so many mistakes in the last 24 hours, I've lost count.

And my stupid mistakes are ruining Bella's life.

I stood there in Bella's kitchen listening to her and Jake fight, hating myself more with every word. I don't think they realized they were fighting right in front of the window next to the freezer, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't walk away.

I stood there listening to her voice break slightly. I'm not sure if either of them noticed it, but I did. I thought I couldn't hate myself any more than I already did, but hearing the small crack in her voice, knowing she was in pain and that it was my fault, proved me wrong.

I stood there with a strange mix of overwhelming emotions, most I didn't recognize. Bella has made me feel things I've never felt before, both good and bad.

I stood there as Jake left.

I stood there as Bella cried.

I just… stood there; my mind in a haze of anger and guilt.

I don't remember deciding to leave.

I don't remember walking out of the kitchen.

But I do remember meeting Bella by the door.

I do remember her trying to take the blame for my long forgotten black eye.

The haze started to lift as I placed my finger on her lips, stopping her rant, followed by a shock that ran throughout my body.

My breathing hitched as I felt her shiver beneath my finger.

Without thinking I moved my finger to her chin, tilting it up so I could look deeper into her eyes.

It made my heart break to see her eyes slightly bloodshot from crying, and yet, I couldn't find any sadness in them, just… wonder and… anticipation.

I couldn't stop myself from moving closer to her… and she didn't either.

My heart was pounding and my vision was blurry from lack of breathing, but her eyes remained clear. It was as if they were the only things in the world.

I stopped moving when our lips were barely touching, deciding to not push her, to let her close the gap.

I could have sworn I saw a brief flash of determination in her eyes before the phone rang, breaking us apart.

We stood there a moment, panting, her eyes a mix of shock and confusion.

The weight of my actions suddenly hit me and I did the only thing I could think of.

I ran.

I ran away from Bella instead of talking to her when she needed it the most.

I just left her standing there, alone.

As I drove, I turned around multiple times, but never let myself go all the way back.

I had to finally accept it.

I was falling for her.

Even if I didn't believe it.

Even if I barely knew her.

Even if I was ruining her life.

I was.

And I hated myself for it.

Something like this would only make things harder for her.

She would, no doubt, stay with Jacob, but feel guilty about not being able to return my feelings for her. It's just who she is.

And that made me feel worse.

I knew what I had to do.

I had to let go of my pride and do the one thing I promised myself – just hours ago – that I wouldn't do.

It was my only choice.

I'd never hear the end of it, but Bella was worth it.

I pulled up to my apartment building, practically shaking from the wide range of strange feelings I've felt all day.

You can do this. It's for Bella. I thought as I walked into the elevator.

When the elevator reached my floor I ran to my apartment and threw my door open before I backed out.

Wait, Victoria is supposed to be here. Oh no, no way. I am not walking in on them again. That is the last thing I need right now.

"James?" I yelled.

"Kitchen," I heard him yell back.

I carefully made my way over to the kitchen, finding James alone and – thank god – fully clothed, making a bowl of cereal.

"Hey man," he said, giving me a quick glance before doing a double take.

Oh right, my face.

"Whoa, Dude. What happened to your face?"

"Oh uh… Bella's fiancé… hit me. Where's Victoria?" I quickly asked.

"What? Oh, Vikki? She's working."

"Working?" I asked. "I thought you said she was coming over."

"Yeah, um… I-I kinda just said that so you'd go and talk to your wife," he finished quietly before changing the subject. "So, who's Bella?"

"Bella is… my wife." I said slowly.

I liked that more than I should have.

"Oh, that explains why you got hit," James said while getting a better look at my face. "Wow, he does nice work."

"James, can you please try to focus?" I snapped. "I need your help."

"My help?" he asked. "With what?"

I sighed.

"I need a plan."