disclaimer: SM owns Twilight.

-O-

Christmas 1998f

"And you're still taking your birth control pill, right?" Alice asked, making my face flush.

I nodded with wide eyes. "Been on it since I was fifteen... I don't think now would be an appropriate time to stop taking it."

"So you're really going to have sex with him, B? You don't think it's too soon? Too risky?"

I had no second thoughts, but apparently Alice did, and regardless of how sure I felt about being with Edward in that way, part of me was a little worried. Okay, a lot worried. It wasn't because I had doubts about our relationship; I guess I just I didn't want to suck at it.

"It would be risky if my dad was anywhere near us... and I really don't think it's too soon at all. I..." I paused, because even talking to my cousin - who I felt very comfortable with, I was bashful about that part of my life. "I love him, and I'm well aware that everyone presumes it's just teenage love and will mean nothing in a few years, but Ali... I love him. I don't know what I would do if he wasn't in my life. He makes me feel... sexy and alive... excited and nervous all at the same time."

Placing her hand over mine, she smiled widely. "Aw, sweetie, I'm happy for you. He's a good guy... and regardless of how much your dad would want to kill me for allowing this relationship to happen, I know it's right. The way you two look at each other, I see what you mean."

Just as we hugged each other, Jasper and Edward walked into the house, chuckling as they witnessed the two of us being "typical girls".

"When you girls are finished crying, the truck is loaded and ready to go," Jasper commented, slapping Edward's shoulder.

While Alice and I were sharing a moment alone, Jasper had gone outside to help Edward load my bag into his truck. It didn't take two grown men to load the truck, so I knew Jasper was giving Edward "the talk". You know, the talk, where he threatened to cut his balls off and feed them through the wood chipper if he ever hurt me. He and Edward had become friends and actually met up for lunch whenever Edward went home to Marshall for the weekend, but regardless, he was protective of me.

"Edward, you swear to me that you'll have her back by Tuesday afternoon, just in case Charlie pulls a fast one and decides to show up early?"

"Yes, Al... believe me, I don't want to die at such a young age," Edward joked, but at the same time, was completely serious, knowing my father would kill him.

After a quick goodbye to Alice and Jasper, Edward and I left Texarkana for Marshall. He'd already reserved our room in a downtown Bed and Breakfast that Emmett's mom owned and had apparently gotten the best suite in the house. I knew that everything on our little trip was going to be over-the-top romantic because that was just Edward. He loved doing romantic things and to be quite honest, I loved that about him. He never failed to show me or tell me how important I was to him. I felt special because of Edward.

"I've already got the key and everything... so no embarrassing check-in for us," Edward said with a nervous chuckle, squeezing my hand. He was just as nervous as me. "Emmett's mom is really cool, but she'd talk your ear off if we ran into her."

"Did Emmett decide to stay in Austin for a while longer?"

"Nah, he came back yesterday. Rose was pretty pissed because she wanted to wait a few days, but Em's a momma's boy... he can't stand to upset her."

"Are you a momma's boy?" I asked, teasing just a little bit.

Edward blushed and laughed. "Just a little. I'm most definitely a Bella's boy, though."

I playfully hit his shoulder and chuckled. "Very corny, but that's good to know."

"It's true, Bell."

ooOoo

When Edward and I arrived at the B&B, I took my time, exploring the room to find so many beautiful, historical things. I was scared to touch anything and even worse, I was worried to lose my virginity on the bright white linens... that Emmett's mom owned. I knew I would have to figure out something – a towel or buy a throw when we went shopping later that evening.

Having the night planned out, knowing we were actually going to have sex, made me so extremely nervous. I wished that we could be like normal couples – go on dates, make out constantly and then casually lead to sex, but we only had these moments together and had to pack months' worth of dates into the weekend. Edward was trying so hard to make everything perfect, and I was worried I wouldn't make it perfect.

It was a lot of pressure.

"You're being so quiet," Edward commented as I sat on the bed, taking in my surroundings. "I hope you don't feel pressured into anything. I would gladly hold you tonight, Bella... we don't have to do anything more than that."

For weeks, I'd hinted that I wanted to spend the night with him. In my head, I'd assumed that it was just a planned thing that we were going to take this step, but I never realized how nervous I would be. But it wasn't because I thought we were moving too fast. One thing I learned in our long-distance relationship was that you get to know someone on a much deeper level when all you have is phone and email as ways to keep in touch. I always felt freer to say things in an email that I might've been nervous to say out loud; deeper, more emotional things. It was easier to type out things like my dreams or wishes and things I wanted for our future. Edward really didn't have a problem holding back his feelings, whether on the phone or in an email. Most days, he would email me details of his day and I would do the same, and at night we would talk for hours until we were falling asleep. It was a strong connection that couldn't be adequately described with words.

"I want to. I'm just a little nervous," I admitted, fixing my eyes on my lap.

Edward got down on his knees in front of me and kissed the top of my hands. "I am, too... but I also know that I love you more than anything and Bell," he paused, opening my legs to move between them, closing any distance between us. "You're it for me. I know with my track record, it's going to take some time for you to believe me, but you're all I want."

That conversation was one that we'd had many times. Edward always felt it was necessary to tell me that he was no longer the 'player' he was in high school, and I truly believed him. I may never know what made Edward change into the man he was at that moment, but whatever the reason was, I was grateful.

Edward and I took showers later that afternoon and got ready for our evening out. He had reservations for us at a small restaurant that had a perfect view of the Christmas lights, and he was so excited to take me there. I was nervous, but for the most part, kept my cool. I wore a black wrap dress and heels that made me feel tall. I hated feeling so short next to Edward; I looked like a midget. Edward literally took my breath away when I stepped out from the bathroom to find him in black slacks and a grey button up shirt.

"Wow Bell... you're gorgeous," he said, striding over to me from the bed.

I blushed like crazy and smiled. "Thanks. You look really nice, too."

His arms snaked around my waist, pulling my body against his. "No other person compares to you. Really, Bell, I can't take my eyes off of you."

ooOoo

After our rather fancy dinner, we went back to our room to change because it was pretty cold outside and my heels were killing me. We wanted to walk around town to see all of the lights, so once we changed into something more comfortable and warm, we headed out and snapped several pictures. Edward took me on a carriage ride, which in my mind, was the most romantic thing on our date. It was absolutely freezing out and the ride seemed to last forever, but I didn't mind at all because my boyfriend's arm was wrapped tightly around me, keeping me warm and making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

I bought Edward a small lamp in the shape of a lighthouse and he bought me a sterling silver necklace with a Texas charm. We went in several shops and held hands like any normal couple would do. It was nice to just be with him and not worry about anyone seeing us.

When we returned to our room, I was sweating bullets. I didn't know what to expect, and I already felt so awkward about our situation. I made up an excuse that I needed to take a shower and Edward suggested that I take a relaxing bath in the huge bathtub; he even ran the water and added bubbles for me. The entire time I "relaxed" in the bathtub, I worried about what I should do or say when I got out. My overnight bag was in the bathroom with me and inside was a couple sets of pajamas, though I couldn't make up my mind on what to wear. I had a black nightgown and a white tank top to go with a pair of black shorts.

Was I black nightgown material?

Or casual tank and shorts?

I didn't want to walk out of the bathroom feeling like a fool, but I didn't want to look un-sexy for our big night. I wondered what other girls had worn when they slept with Edward – and yes, it was a crazy thing to think about, but that was one of the crazy things running through my head. And those thoughts led to negative thoughts about him being with other girls, making me feel sick.

He was mine though. I reminded myself of that several times.

"Bella?" Edward said, knocking on the bathroom door once. "Everything okay?"

My heart thundered in my chest. "I'm okay," I replied bashfully. "Just getting dressed."

I was actually staring at myself in the mirror, rather than getting dressed. Eventually, I decided on the tank top and shorts – more of a relaxed look; I wasn't ready for the sexy attire just yet. I couldn't figure out how to wear my hair, and I brushed my teeth for several minutes. I found any excuse I could to avoid leaving that bathroom.

"Mkay... well, I have a surprise for you out here when you're ready to come out."

I smiled, listening to the worry in his voice. It was slightly comforting knowing that he was just as uneasy as I was. "I'll be out in a sec."

"Love you, Bell."

"Love you, too."

When I finally sucked it up and worked up the courage to step out of the bathroom, I found that Edward had started a fire and laid out a makeshift campsite for us right in front of the fireplace. All worries of bleeding on the bright white linens faded away, easing one of my biggest fears.

Edward grinned and patted the space next to him on the air mattress. "I wanted to do this when you came to my house that one night... but I was afraid that I might forget our friendship status and kiss you too soon."

I laughed, blushing, and couldn't stop the growing smile on my face. "I probably wouldn't have minded."

Surprising me, Edward reached up, placed his hands on my waist and pulled me down to his lap. I yelped loudly, which was insanely embarrassing to do in front of my boyfriend. My boyfriend, who was only wearing gray pajama bottoms… and no shirt. If I could have stared at shirtless-Edward all day long with no interruptions, I would've been one extremely happy girl. He was a sight for sore eyes; seriously, he gave the meaning to that line.

"You know... I wish you went to school with me. I would sneak into your dorm room every night just to see you like this."

"Not much to see," I said, laughing quietly and feeling shy because of the way he was looking at me. He always had such intense looks, even if he wasn't trying.

Kissing my nose, Edward shook his head slowly. "Nah, you're too much, Bell. You drive me insane with more clothes on, and seeing you like this... you're sexy... so sexy."

Ego booster. Check.

Blush booster. Check, check.

"Shy and sexy at the same time – that's a killer combo, Bell," he said before holding my face in his hands and kissing me with more passion than I'd ever felt. I had no idea it could be like this; scary and exciting at the same time.

And I wanted so much more with him.

Edward didn't hold back. Before too long, we were both out of our clothes and kissing wildly, without the restraint we showed at Thanksgiving. I didn't have to ask for him to touch me – he just did and my god, it felt so good. And I touched him without worrying that I was doing it wrong because I remembered every detail from our previous encounter. However, Edward practically begged me to stop, whispering in between kisses that he wanted to come inside me. His words alone made me feel so weak in the knees and every part of my body tingled with excitement.

I wanted him. No more waiting – I was ready.

There were no words spoken as he rolled on top of me, kissing my neck in the spot that drove me crazy. I hooked one of my legs over the back of his thigh, urging him to go on, wanting to feel him inside me, finally.

"On three..." Edward whispered.

Maybe it was nervousness or maybe I was insane, but I couldn't stop giggling. Loudly and uncontrollably. "A countdown? Really?"

Edward's chest rumbled against mine as he chuckled, easing some of the tension. "I don't want to hurt you, Bell." He kissed my jaw softly, and I felt him press against me once again. "And stop laughing at me. You know this is damaging me right now... for the rest of our lives, I'll remember that our first time together was spent with you laughing at me being worried. You'll give me performance anxiety. I'll be thirty and still remember you laughing at me... and you'll probably laugh at me even then."

Hearing him talk about our future... that we'd be together when he was thirty... well, that was just, wow. There was no way I could put together an intelligible response to that; instead, I placed my hands on his face and pulled his mouth to mine, kissing him deeply.

His arms were trembling as he pushed inside, murmuring that he loved me against my mouth. After hearing from several people that sex hurt the first time, I was surprised that it wasn't that bad. I'd been preparing myself for it to be excruciating and while it wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world, it just felt good to be connected to him that way.

Once he was fully inside, Edward pulled back slightly, his worried eyes staring down at me. "Are you okay, baby? Does it hurt too much?"

There was no doubt in my mind that Edward would have stopped altogether, had I indicated that I was in any pain at all. I smiled and ran my fingertips along the side of his face. "I'm fine, I promise."

"You're fine?" he grunted, struggling to stay still. "Bell, that usually means that you're not okay."

I wiggled my lower half, urging him to move. "Really, Edward... I'm okay. It stings, but it's not too bad. Move inside me, please?"

"Fuck, you're not even talking dirty and I'm already losing it," Edward groaned, pulling out slowly as he buried his face in my neck.

I couldn't stop smiling, making myself feel like a total dweeb. I was one person who would never be a dirty talker. I couldn't even make myself say cock out loud. However, hearing Edward say cock was sexiest thing I'd ever heard.

"You feel how hard I am for you, Bell... fuck, Bell, I love you," he grunted, picking up his pace just a little bit. My legs shook and though I could still feel the sting, I relaxed, opening up even more as he moved inside me, reaching a certain spot that made me tremble and forget about the pain. "That's it, Bell..."

"Love you, too," I whispered breathlessly, tightening my arms around his body.

Edward dropped his forehead to my shoulder, panting fast. "I've never felt like this before, baby. You feel too good... I don't think I can last much longer."

"Let go. It's okay."

Moving in and out a little faster, one of his arms snaked between our bodies, and I gasped when he touched me right there... the magical spot that had made me fall apart within seconds. "I want you to feel good," he said, his voice rough and husky.

My muscles contracted and I clenched around him. I wasn't quite there, and regardless of how hard he tried, I didn't think it was going to happen for me. Most girls didn't their first time, and the ones that said they did were probably lying.

"Don't worry about me. I love you," I whispered, kissing along his jaw. That just about did it for him. He removed the hand that was touching me and slammed it to the space beside me as he moved. Four thrusts later, he was pulsing inside me and collapsed against my chest.

I kept my legs wrapped around him, still kissing along his jaw, feeling his heart beat rapidly against me. At that moment, I loved him more than he would ever know.

He stayed inside me, breathing rapidly as I ran my hands along his back. "Sorry, I'm probably crushing you," Edward whispered hoarsely.

I shook my head, placing a small kiss on his cheek. "No. I like having you here." And I needed reassurance that I wasn't a crappy partner. "Was it... I mean, was I okay?"

Rolling onto his side, Edward pulled me against his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around me. "I can't describe to you what I'm feeling right now... but please know that you were perfect. Bella, we're perfect together. Did you feel that? It was amazing."

"I did. And... thank you. You were so great... so gentle."

"Thank you, Bell... I hope you know how much it means to me that you would give me something like this."

My face was flushed, not just from shyness, though. "I can't see myself with anyone but you. I know I'm young, and a lot of people would say that I'm just silly talking that way, but it's true. I hope you know that."

"I do, sweet girl. I feel the same way."

Edward got up, leaving me briefly to retrieve a damp washcloth to clean off the small amount of blood from me. He was so caring; my heart ached, wondering what my life would be like if he wasn't in it. Miserable, that's what it'd be like.

We lay in silence for a while, listening to the sounds of our dwindling fire. I couldn't move and didn't bother making an attempt at it. Edward continued to hold me, his hand drifting up and down my arm. The sheet was pulled halfway up our bodies, but left my chest exposed, and though I would usually feel bashfully and want to cover myself, I was completely relaxed around him.

I felt safe with Edward.

I thought Edward had fallen asleep, but he hadn't. Based on his next ramble, I guessed he had been trying to figure out how to say it. "Promise me... Bell, promise me that you'll never leave me. I need you more than you will ever know. And I love you so much... no matter how hard it gets, please give us a chance. I'll always be here... and I will never give up on us." His arms wrapped even tighter around my body.

I kissed his chest softly. "I'll never give up on us, Edward. I love you."

Thanks for reading! And thanks for the prayers - we definitely needed them and I can't thank you all enough. Big thanks to Jen328 for working her magic on this chapter, and my pre-readers, Teacher1209 and Jadsmama.

I don't know when the next update will be because of what's happened in RL, but I'm trying. Sorry!

Thanks for being patient!