On the first day of kindergarten, after your mom has left you and you're awkwardly sitting in your seat, you look around the room. So many faces, so many hairstyles, so many different colored t-shirts. Another tiny human comes and takes the seat next to you. You smile shyly, as they hopefully feel as out of place as you do. They smile back. Later, they offer you a piece of their cookie during snack time while you're both sitting criss-cross applesauce on the colorful rug. And suddenly, you're best friends. Fast forward eight years and you're walking down the aisle at your middle school graduation arm in arm. You've done everything together. You went to your first dance, on your first date...
You're inseparable. You know what the other is thinking. That's what it's like to have a person.
Cassie was, according to every test she had ever taken, a genius. She got a 36 on her ACT, was taking every AP class in the book that she could fit into her schedule and was trying to make the most of living on an island on a military base where her opportunities were extremely limited and she had to scrounge to find new things to read.
Going to a public school in Seattle was certainly a change of scenery. She was smart, but she had been unable to complete all of the classes necessary for graduation where she was. So, she was filling her schedule with every AP class (chem, bio, econ, psych... not physics though. She hated physics) that she could.
Her and Meredith had gone on a tour of the local high school, mainly so Meredith could tell the administration that her niece was a genius that did not need any hand holding or easy work. She needed to be challenged.
And yes, Cassie knew that going to a public high school was not the greatest thing for her. She could have started college early or done something more cure-to-cancer-esque. The truth was, she wanted to take it slow for a while. She wanted to settle into her family before she picked up and started a college education.
Maggie was completely understanding in this whole situation, for she too had gone to college at a high school age. She had told Cassie stories of how outcast she was because of how young and smart she was. She understood, though, Cassie's wishes.
Another thing that Cassie had soon realized was that even if she didn't have amazing grades (which she did) she had a million connections. Meredith Grey was the daughter of Ellis Grey. Almost all medical doctors knew of her. Amelia Shepherd was the brother of Doctor Derek Shepherd. She could go to any college she wanted because she knew people. She could also go because she was damn well smart enough to.
She was a genius. But, being a genius did not help her get rid of the pit in her stomach she felt about attending her first day of school the following day.
Amelia had attempted to crack as many jokes about her high school experience as she could to ease Cassie's butterflies. Alex had told her that he wrestled his way through, and Maggie had been an adolescent at the time, so she reminded her niece that she was going to have it very easy and that it would be fine so long as she made friends.
How on Earth was she supposed to do that?
Zola had been squealing about her first day of first grade- and Cassie couldn't help but feel like the little girl was expecting more attention. Meredith had taken her to tour the school and meet the teacher, but Zola clearly felt as though something was missing. So, Cassie did the best thing she could.
"Mer." She started when her aunt walked into the attic. Cassie cleared her throat, putting the summer reading book (Huck Finn) down on the bed. She had read it when she was in elementary school but needed a little refreshing before the class debated it in the first few days of school.
Apparently, her tone had been colder than intended because Meredith sarcastically stepped back. "I just came in to say good night. Stop reading; it's bad for you." She joked. "What's on your mind, kid?"
"You need to spend more time with Zola. She feels neglected."
As Cassie expected, Meredith totally denied her opinion. She was blind to it because she was the one causing it. "Zola is fine. I spent the whole day with her."
"No, you let Amelia spend the whole day with her. Ever since I got here, she's felt like she's been pushed to the side. She wants you to read her bedtime stories and be the one to draw her bath and wash and brush her hair. She doesn't want Maggie or Amelia. She wants you. You need to spend more time with her and stop worrying about me."
"I am not going to stop worrying about you. You're my kid."
"Well, worry less! I am older and can take care of myself a little more than Zola can. And I am used to being on my own."
Meredith looked like she wanted to argue some more, but the raised eyebrow on Cassie's face made Meredith want to give up. How many times was she going to have to tell this kid that she was just as important as the other three?
Cassie read her mind. "Mer. This isn't me being awkward about being important. I get it. I love the fact that you're calling me your kid." She paused. "Zola has told me multiple times she misses you. She's told Amy. She already lost her father; I don't want to be the one standing in the way of her mother."
Meredith sighed. "Did she really tell you this?"
"Yeah, Mer. Please stop worrying about me. Or at least not as much. I'm fine."
Meredith raised an eyebrow. "Something is bothering you... I know it. And I will come back up here and figure it out." She left the attic, leaving Cassie to pick up Huck Finn once again and read some more about the damn king and duke... who reminded her just a little bit of Amy and Mer.
...
Meredith swallowed as she approached her daughter's bedroom door. It had been a long time since she had questioned her abilities as a mother. She was not her own mother, and she tried as hard as she could to be both a surgeon and a mother. She hoped she did both of them proud. Were Ellis and Lexie staring at her from wherever in proudness or in shame?
Standing there, the thing that came to her mind was the first time she met Zola. Derek had been so happy, clutching the little brown girl with spina bifida close. She didn't know how she felt at being a mother at that time. She realized she could. And then she realized she was meant to do the same for Cassie. To love her, to raise her, to be the person that she went to. She wasn't Cassie's mother, but she was her aunt. So why was she nervous about talking to her daughter?
"Zo?" She opened the door. Her daughter was reading a Junie B Jones book on her bed, almost exactly as Cassie had. She peered up with the same questioning look. Meredith almost wanted to laugh at the sight. The two of them were so similar. She sat down on the bed. "What's up?"
Zola almost seemed surprised at the question. Was she that blind to this situation?
"Cassie told me you've been feeling a little sad lately cause I haven't been spending as much time with you. I'm sorry, Zo." Zola shrugged as if it hadn't been bothering her intensely for the last couple of weeks. Meredith cleared her throat. "I will try and spend more time with you. Just you and me, Zo."
Zola looked up happily. "Can we go get our nails done?"
Meredith let out a laugh. Of all the things she pictured her six year old wanting to do, that was not one of them. "If that's what you want."
The two of them sat in silence. Meredith's eyes made their way to the picture of her husband. How had that gotten there?
"I'm sorry I was mad at you, mommy." She mumbled. "You only saw Cassie."
Meredith shook her head. "Cassie needed me. But you know what? She loves you too. She'll be there for you. We're all here for you. Especially me. I am your mommy."
Zola didn't hesitate in her response. "Cassie reminds me of Aunt Lexie."
It actually amazed Meredith that her daughter remembered Lexie. She didn't know how that was possible; her daughter had been so little at the time of the plane crash. Maybe Lexie visited Zola in her dreams. Who even knows.
"Me too, Zo." She cleared her throat again, this time biting back tears. "Time to sleep, Zo. Do you want me to tuck you in?"
Zola nodded happily and let her mother tuck her in, kiss her, and turn off the light.
"I love you mommy." She chirped, all anger and sadness forgotten. If only it was always that simple for things to go back to normal.
...
Cassie threw the book across the room with serious dissatisfaction. Why did the kid want to go west? What happened to Jim? So many questions, not enough answers.
She got up, thudding down the stairs. She wanted to talk to someone in the house, but everyone was either asleep or working. So who did she talk to?
Opening the door quietly, she greeted her baby cousin with a grin. Ellis stared up at her with a teething giggle. She loved her big cousin Cassie. She came to visit her sometimes and talked to her about things she had no idea about.
"Hi, Ellie." Cassie lifted the girl from her crib, cuddling her close. "How's my favorite baby girl?"
She sat down on the chair, bouncing the little girl on her lap. She had thoughts; she needed to speak.
"It's like the first day of kindergarten. I mean, some of the kids know each other, but there are a few that don't know anyone... except for the fact that its junior year and everyone knows each other by now!"
Ellis cooed at the bouncing and giggled at her cousin tickling her.
"So what do I do? Do I eat lunch in the bathroom? Or do I try to make friends? I could be daring and walk up to people that were in my morning classes and ask to sit with them. But what if they're dumb? Oh god, Ellis, what if I end up sitting with the super senior druggies that flunked psychology twice? Then what?"
Ellis didn't respond.
"Good point, El. They wouldn't be in AP if they failed. I'm overreacting. But what if I end up with the cheerleaders who do drugs under the bleachers instead of practicing? Then what? I can kiss my chances of an Ivy education goodbye!"
Ellis still didn't respond. Cassie turned the baby to face her, lifting her up in the air and giving her a shake, while making the craziest face she could. Ellis laughed.
Meredith was going back to the attic to figure out what was bothering her niece when she heard her youngest daughter giggle. It was the music that made her smile.
"Can you say my name, El? Cassie?"
Silence.
"That's okay, you'll get it eventually. As long as you say Cassie before Alex and I get my twenty bucks, it's all fine."
Meredith took this as her chance to walk in. She wasn't expecting to see anything out of the usual, but her heart stopped when she opened the door. The first thing that came to her mind was her baby sister playing with her baby. It brought a smile to her face.
"What are you smiling at?" Cassie wondered, almost concerned at the fact that her aunt was smiling to herself. It was such an unusual event. Was there something in her hair?
Meredith sat down on the ground next to her niece. "You know that Lexie lived here until she died. The last Valentine's Day... she offered to babysit Zola for us because she didn't have any plans. It just came to my mind. I don't know why, considering she babysat Zola all the time. She was Zola's legal guardian in case something happened. Seeing you reminded me of her. You remind me of her in everything you do. I just wish she could have gotten to meet Ellis and Bailey, and you, of course. Whether or not it was now or seventeen years ago."
"Zola still remembers her. She actually thought I was Lexie. I don't understand how that's possible. She was too little when she died."
Meredith suddenly realized why and wanted to slap herself for not putting the pieces together sooner. "She saw a picture of Lexie a couple months ago when we first moved back into the house. She asked me who it was. I told her it was her aunt that went away. I don't think she really understood until later."
"I'm nervous about school tomorrow." Cassie blurted out, eager to get off of the topic of her dead mother. And it was true. She didn't know if Meredith would offer some sort of advice or tell her to suck it up.
"That's what you're upset about?" Cassie got up, putting Ellis back into her crib. She turned around to face her aunt, still leaning back onto the wall.
Cassie let out a breath. "I've never been good with kids my age. I want to have friends, Meredith. I want people to like me. I don't know if I'll be friends with these people in five years, but I want to be friends with them now. I need a reason to be excited to go to school."
Meredith nodded. "I get it, Cass. I don't think I can give you any advice considering I was the kid with pink hair smoking cigarettes in the corner, but..."
"Wait. Are you serious? Your mother allowed that?"
"That was exactly the point! She didn't! It drove her crazy!"
Cassie ran a hand through her hair. "That's your brilliant advice? Got any hair dye?"
Meredith raised an eyebrow. "Please don't. At least go blue or something less spunky than pink. Pink was just a bad choice. "
"So what do I do? Do I just let nature take its course or whatever? During lunch, I'll go to the library and do all of my homework, and if someone talks to me, I let it be. If I get into a conversation during one of my classes and I really like the person, then I ask them if they have lunch plans. Is that about right?"
"Cassie, you need to be yourself. And yes, most teenage girls are questionable towards someone as smart as you because they are not as smart as you. You'll find someone who appreciates learning and life just as much as you do, and then waiting will have been worth it."
"Okay..." Cassie mumbled, still unsure.
"Just trust me. I am the most helpful advice you've gotten. Amelia probably told you about not talking too much, Maggie talked about being the youngest one, and Alex probably told you that if anyone is mean to you to punch them, which, by the way, is a really bad idea. Don't listen to it."
"I don't plan on it."