It must have been about five or six in the morning. He couldn't tell. The fire had gone out and the entire room was dark. He hadn't fallen asleep since they laid down. Somehow, he had pulled them up from the floor and into his bed. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she was out, probably exhausted from her day at school along with the emotional toll that night had taken on her. He was just glad that she had been able to sleep.
He couldn't though. A million things were running through his mind. Where was Derrick? Was he planning on coming back for Elena? Was he going to hurt some other poor unsuspecting girl? Then his thoughts would jump to Katherine. The evil, lying bitch who had taken him for granted and left him crushed, unable to love another woman for fear that she would do exactly what Katherine did. He should tell Elena. Because she had revealed her past to him. Even though they said they weren't going to do that. But it made no sense. Her sad story for his? No. This wasn't about fair trades. He was pretty sure that Elena was not expecting his story in return for hers. He was pretty sure that Elena telling him wasn't even about wanting him to know or even trying to protect him. He was pretty sure that Elena had needed to let it all out. To tell someone besides her brother and best friend. Maybe she was tired of being strong, building up her walls so strong and making sure they stayed strong enough so no one could get through. Because every man was bound to hurt her the way Derrick had done. Just like every woman was going to hurt him the way Katherine had.
Stefan broke free from his thoughts to find Elena awake, lying completely still and watching him. It was almost creepy the way she could do that. Elena looked at him, her eyes filled with caution. She realized what had happened last night. She had let Stefan in. Not all the way in, but far enough where he could get all the way in if he wanted. It was a big risk for her, but having been able to tell someone about it was worth it.
Stefan looked away from her, not being able to take her looking at him any longer. Not if he was going to tell her. "I met Katherine just after I graduated from high school" he began, remembering back almost seven years ago now. "We spent the entire summer together and I decided that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her" he said.
Elena swallowed, realizing that he was going to tell her about Katherine. She had wanted this, but seeing the pained look on his face was making her change her mind. But maybe he needed to tell her. Elena abandoned her own pillow and moved herself closer to him, resting her head mere inches from his. Stefan's eyes returned to hers, realizing just how close she was now. Her eyes were now full of understanding, letting him know that she would lay there quietly and let him talk.
"At the end of the summer, I asked her to marry me. She said yes and moved to Connecticut with me so I could start at Yale" he explained. "She wasn't happy there though. She had been modeling before she met me and there just wasn't a lot of work where we were. So she moved back to New York about a month later." Stefan sighed as he thought about what to say next. "I flew out to see her every weekend. I came back to New York for all of my breaks. She seemed happy though." Even if he wasn't. He hated being away from her, even for five days. "I missed her like crazy."
Stefan readjusted his head on his pillow, trying to get comfortable. "Then people started talking, saying that Katherine was cheating on me while I was away. Caroline was the first one to say something. Zach was next. But I didn't believe any of them. Know why?" he asked. Elena shook her head no. "Because I asked Katherine if she was cheating on me and she got really upset and said that everyone was just trying to break us up. She said that no one would ever come between us though" he said.
"I believed her" Stefan stated. "But this little part of me wondered if maybe she was lying" he admitted. He had felt terrible back then for thinking it too. "A few weeks before the end of my first year at Yale, she called me and told me she was pregnant. She was all kinds of excited and she started talking about moving back to Connecticut with me and us getting a house and getting married …" he trailed off. "I was shocked, to say the least. We had always been so careful." He went quiet again for a moment before continuing. "And I had no idea how to be a dad or if I was even ready to learn. But the thought of having Katherine back in Connecticut with me and us moving forward in our relationship gave me hope that things would work out" he said quietly.
Stefan sighed heavily. "And then one night, we got in this huge fight about her wanting to go out partying with some friends she had met in town. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea because of the baby." Elena again watched a pained expression appear on Stefan's face and she feared that she knew what he was going to say next. "And that's when she told me to leave her alone because the baby probably wasn't even mine anyways."
Elena felt her hands clench into fists at the mention of him possibly not being the father. Though, Elena already knew this, just not the context behind it. She wanted to say something, but she didn't know what. "I thought at first that she was just angry with me and wanted to hurt me. But she was serious. And she went out that night, doing God knows what. But the next day, she came home and she broke down into tears, telling me she hooked up with some guy a few times and he skipped town before she found out she was pregnant" he said, taking a breath. "I was so angry that I left for two days and wouldn't answer her calls."
"You were hurt" Elena corrected cautiously, waiting for his reaction.
Stefan blinked a few times. "Yeah, I was hurt" he agreed. "When I did end up coming back, she was a mess. She hadn't been sleeping. She had been crying and calling all over trying to find me. She kept telling me how sorry she was and how much she loved me. It had been a mistake and she couldn't lose me" he remembered.
"But you left her?" Elena asked, not being able to help herself. She was genuinely curious now.
Stefan shook his head and laughed at himself almost. "I stayed. I loved her and I was going to love this baby whether he or she was mine or not" Stefan answered. "We weren't planning on telling anyone about the paternity issue because I didn't think it mattered. No one in my family was particularly happy that she was pregnant though. No one wanted her in the family and now, with the baby, she was guaranteed a place in it whether anyone liked it or not."
"As the months went by, I started to get more and more excited about the baby" he said, a small smile appearing. "I read all of those baby books and went to all of the doctor appointments. I even bought us a house so there would be more room for the baby, with a yard and a park just down the street. Katherine seemed really happy for once, too" he mentioned. "We discussed baby names together and we started spending more time together. Like we did when we first met. I really felt like things were going to be okay."
Elena sensed that something had happened to get in the way of that happiness though. "Zach announced that he wanted a paternity test done after the baby was born. I know I said that it didn't matter to me, but I wanted to know. For my own sanity" he said, guilt dripping from his voice like wanting to know was an awful thing. "Katherine begged me not to go through with it, but I did anyways. After Lily was born, we did the test. If she wasn't mine, she was that other guy's who skipped town" Stefan said.
Only, Elena knew that wasn't true. "I remember after the test was done, I went to the nursery to wait for the results while Katherine was resting. I was sitting in the rocking chair in there, holding Lily. We had agreed on that name for a girl" Stefan explained. "Lily was looking up at me, just staring at me. I knew I was going to love her more than anyone. She was so beautiful. Still is" he smiled. "I couldn't wait to take her home. I had everything set up for her. I painted the nursery pink with brown ponies and yellow stars and she had all of these stuffed animals in her room" he said, continuing to smile at the memory. Elena felt herself begin to smile at him. This was quite possibly the most adorable thing she had ever heard a guy say.
But then his smile disappeared and so did hers. "I was talking to Lily when Zach walked in to tell me the results. Damon was with him and he was really quiet. Too quiet for Damon" Stefan remembered. "I asked Zach what was going on and he told me that I wasn't the father. I knew there was a good chance that I wasn't, but it still hit me hard. I remember feeling like I was going to get sick" he told her. "And then Zach told me that Damon was. No warning or leading up to it. Just flat out announced that Damon was the father. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I would have never thought that Damon could do that to me. We had always been really close." Stefan said before taking another breath.
"My mind was racing and before I knew it, Zach had reached over and taken Lily from me, only to hand her over to Damon" he said quietly. Elena felt her heart hurt for Stefan at that very moment. "My eyes began to water and before I knew it, I was crying. I hadn't cried since my parents died" he admitted. "Zach told me to leave the hospital. To go home and he would come over to see me later. He didn't want me to see Katherine or be near Damon. He knew I would let my emotions control me. He was right. So, I left. I walked downtown to some dive bar and I got trashed. I don't know how I made it back to my house later that night, but I did. And I went through the house, destroying every picture with Katherine and Damon in it. And then I went upstairs into Lily's room and I was planning on destroying everything in there too. Because I wanted someone to pay for ruining my life and taking the most important thing away from me" he admitted. Fatherhood. "But I saw her little face looking up at me and I just … I couldn't destroy something that belonged to her. She was innocent in all of this" Stefan said calmly. "So I sat in the rocking chair in the dark until I fell asleep."
Elena didn't realize she was crying until a tear landed on the arm she had tucked under her head. This was just all too much. How could two people destroy another person like that? Two people who were supposed to love him? It wasn't fair. She slowly began to realize why he acted the way he did with women. With her. He was protecting himself. He wanted, needed, attention, but he was afraid of getting hurt. So, he simply fooled around with girls to fill that void and then moved on, never letting his heart get the chance to be broken. It was really sad. "I ended up moving back to my apartment near campus. Katherine moved in with Damon back in New York. Zach bought them a house. They got married a month later" Stefan stated. He had had no say in any of this. "Zach told them that marriage was their only option. Lily would always be taken care of, but if Katherine wanted to be entitled to the same things, she was going to have to commit. Katherine wanted to marry me instead though, like we had planned, but Zach said Lily would be better off if Katherine and Damon married. Things would be less complicated. That and I didn't want anything to do with her. With any of them. I hated Katherine and Damon. And I was angry at Zach for making all of the decisions, but he was right. In the end, he was looking out for me too."
"Does he love her?" Elena asked softly. If Damon had been messing around with Katherine, was it because he felt something for her?
"Yes" was all Stefan answered with. "Damon wanted Katherine. I found that out later. He was thrilled to be the father of her baby and he really fell into the husband/father role quickly" Stefan told her. "But Katherine doesn't love him. She hates him. And in her sick mind, she blames Lily for losing me" he said and she could hear the hurt in his voice.
"Katherine told me she never wanted to be a mother" Elena told him, remembering back to her drunken state.
Stefan shook his head. "Katherine doesn't want to be a mother to Damon's child. She wasn't ready to be a mom, still isn't in my opinion, but I guarantee you, if Lily had been mine, Katherine would have tried a hell of a lot harder to be a good mom" he said. Because she wanted to be with Stefan more than anything. She still did.
"Did you still get to see Lily after she was born?" Elena asked.
"I still saw Lily every weekend. I would fly out. I wouldn't talk to Damon or Katherine. Zach would usually bring her to me" Stefan admitted. "It took me almost two years to be able to face them. They took everything from me and if they regretted it, they never really showed it."
Elena slowly reached her hand out and covered Stefan's, offering up any support she could give him. "You're her uncle. That's something" Elena said, giving him a sad yet encouraging smile.
Stefan shook his head though. "I'm not the one she calls Daddy. I don't get to tuck her in to bed every night or make important decisions regarding her future" he said sadly. "I'm a glorified babysitter."
It was Elena's turn to shake her head. "You are so much more than just a babysitter. She loves you, Stefan. Don't you see how important you are to her?" Elena asked. "The way her eyes widen and a bright smile appears on her face just at the mention of your name. She trusts you too, and I guarantee you, when she needs help, she's going to come running to you" Elena told him. Elena could tell that Stefan was listening to her, even if he remained silent. "Stefan" she said squeezing his hand. "I am so sorry that they did that to you" she said, truly believing that he needed to hear that. Because they had probably never said it to him. "But you can have all of that again. You can get married and have kids of your own" she told him.
"No" Stefan said quickly. "I don't want all of that anymore. It's not worth it."
Elena smiled sadly. "It is with the right girl" she told him. He slowly looked up at her, catching her staring intently at him. "Not all women are like Katherine. There's someone out there who won't take you for granted. Who would love you with everything she had" Elena smiled. "You just have to find her and let her" she added.
"And you? Do you want all of that?" he asked her. She had been through hell and back. She should have been ready to give up too, in his opinion.
Elena nodded. "I do want to get married, for real, and have kids one day" she admitted. "I just have to get past thinking that every relationship is going to turn out like the last one" Elena added. She hadn't gotten past that yet though.
"Well, I hope it all works out for you" he said, rolling onto his back and looking up at his ceiling. He could tell that Elena wanted to press on with the issue at hand, but he was quick to change the subject. Things were just too depressing right now. "What are you doing today?" he asked her, continuing to stare up at the ceiling.
Elena realized that he was done talking. That was fine with her. She was amazed that he had talked as long as he did. "I don't know. I don't have class or work" she said. She was glad too.
So she wasn't doing anything either. He sat up and looked at her. "I'm going to the mall. Wanna go?" he asked her. He actually liked the mall. He also thought that a trip to the mall might cheer her up too.
That was the last suggestion Elena thought he would make. She hadn't been to a mall in years. "I .. guess" Elena said hesitantly.
Stefan scoffed. "Thanks for your enthusiasm, Elena" he told her. "The horror of having to spend the day with your ridiculously attractive and very funny husband" he added.
Elena couldn't help the grin that appeared. "You sure think highly of yourself" she told him, finally sitting up as well.
Stefan tossed a pillow at her as he got up and wandered toward his bathroom. "Care to join me in the shower too?" he asked, stopping to lean against the doorway. Elena shook her head, but smiled. "Suit yourself. You're missing out though" he winked, turning and going into the bathroom.
When she heard the shower turn on, she fell back into his bed. She bit her lip and thought about everything that he had said. Hearing him talk about how excited he was about the baby – everything he had done to prepare – really hit her hard. So he really was a good guy underneath all of that hurt.
Yes, she found him attractive and funny. But more importantly, she could relate with him on what it felt like to be destroyed by a relationship.