"My dearest Lee,
Remember how I said on Monday that the worst thing that could happen to me while filing was a bad paper cut? Well, I did that, and then topped even my worst filing nightmare. Would you believe I managed to get myself locked inside of the cold storage vault, giving myself a nasty bump on the head in the meantime, and it happened late on a Friday afternoon and you aren't expected back in town until Monday? Did you know there isn't a latch on the other side of the door in here? Or at least I haven't been able to find one, and if you told me about one, I don't remember it. I had to practice to get the door opened from the outside before my filing project arrived! Anyway, every time I've gotten myself in a bad fix, I've always known that you were going to come rescue me. Either that, or we've been in the bad fix together, and I've always had faith that we could work our way out of any jamb together. This time though I think I've really done it. My head is hurting really bad, I probably have at least a major concussion if not something worse. I was lucky enough to have the emergency kit in here when I had the accident, so I have the ration bars and some water to get me by. But I'm really starting to worry about my head. I'm finding myself dozing off, and I know people with a head injury are supposed to stay away or be checked on regularly. That's not going to happen while I'm alone in here. I'm scared, Lee, that I really did hurt my head, and won't be able to hang on until Monday for you to save me. Mother won't think anything of me not coming home, we've dashed off without giving her any notice before, I think we've trained her not to worry about me by now. Oh my gosh, I'm really scared this time. It reminds me of the night we were stuck in the swamp, do you remember? I was so scared, but at least we were together, that helped a lot. On my own, I'm not nearly as confident.
I just woke up a few moments ago and realized that I had passed out. I think there is a chance I won't make it till Monday, although I'm going to do my best! But just in case, there are things I need to say to you, and to Mother and the boys. I'm writing them notes too, so if I don't make it, please make sure they get their notes and stay close to them. They'll need you, and you'll need them to get through this. I'm telling Mother the truth about our relationship in her letter, otherwise you'll be left all alone to deal with the loss, and I can't stand the thought of that. I don't want you to go back to being the Scarecrow, the man without a heart, the man who handed me a package at the train station. You've changed so such over the years, I much prefer the Lee Stetson that I came to know, and to love. If I don't make it, I want you to be able to mourn me with my family, together the four of you will be able to get through this. Mother hints all the time that she thinks we're a good couple and wondering why you weren't proposing to me. I know this isn't the best way for her to find out the truth, but you'll be there to comfort her, and she'll be there to comfort you. You can be like the son she never had, and I know she'd love to be a mother to you too. The two of you can help each other, and both of you can help the boys.
Now, I don't want you to start blaming yourself for this like you did in the swamp. No guts, no glory, I'm an adult and I'm exactly where I want to be in my life. Well, not really, I'd much prefer to be on the other side of this vault door and with you. Actually, my only regret is that we never got to be together as husband and wife for all the world to see, and Mother and the boys never got to know you as part of the family. If I do manage to get out of here somehow, we're going to fix that first thing! Hopefully they'll let us keep working together in the field, but if they don't, I'll man the Q Bureau office while you handle the field, or whatever it takes to make it work. Family is the most important thing there is, and while I know the work we do makes the world a safer place for our family, what good is that if we can't be together as a family like we want to be? I think we let our fears get the better of us yet again - just like after we got engaged and we drug our feet at getting married."
There was a squiggly line drawn across the page at this point. Lee frowned, not sure what that meant, and looked up at the ceiling letting Amanda's words roll over him like a soothing balm. Just like his Amanda to be more worried about those she'd leave behind if she died than herself. Not wanting him to blame himself for her death, and wanting to make sure he mourned her properly with her family. God, what a woman she was! He took a deep breath and started reading the next section of text under the wavy line.
"Sorry, I had to take a break from writing to you for a bit there. I wanted to make sure I got Mother's letter and the letters for the boys written before my head got any worse. It's getting kind of fuzzy and hard to focus my attention and I wouldn't want to ramble on and on in their letters and forget to say the important things I want to say. Boy, I'm really lucky that I left the pen and notepad here in the cold storage part of the vault so I have the ability to write these letters to you all. One of the things I have always regretted was I never got a chance to say a proper goodbye to my father when he died, nor did he get a chance to say a proper goodbye to me. You all won't get your chance, but I'm going to make sure I get mine. You know, I wonder now why we stuck to keeping our marriage a secret after I almost died on our honeymoon. I mean, why is this near-death experience changing my mind when that one didn't? I guess it's because I'm conscious for this one, although I'm glad I was unconscious for that one because it hurt a lot. We never even really talked about changing our plans for a secret marriage, did we? The experience with Khai just reinforced the reasons we wanted to keep it a secret. I hope Mr. Melrose isn't going to be mad at us for keeping it a secret. Oh I wish I could see Francine's face when she hears about it! I think she probably already knows, I mean she's walked in on us so many times in the Q Bureau. Why can't we remember to keep that darn door locked more often, I mean, my gosh, after the first time you'd think we'd have learned our lesson!
Anyway, my head is really throbbing and the aspirin isn't helping too much, so I'd better make sure I write what I want to write before I can't write any more. I hope you can read my handwriting OK, I'm writing by the light of the flashlight and using the box of my emergency kit as a desk and it's not the most stable thing in the world, and neither is my head. Hey, that reminds me, I was right about keeping an emergency kit in the office, you owe me dinner or something. Darn, I hope I get a chance to collect on that. It's so fun when I'm right and you're wrong, you get this cute little pouting facial expression like a little five-year old. It reminds me of the boys when they were little. I guess that's probably from being an only child and the way you were raised. At least you can accept being wrong better than you used to, do you remember when I'd figure something out, you'd stand there and just stare at me like I grew a second head or something. It took you a long time to realize I am a very bright, intelligent, and logical woman! Yes, I can be a bit of a clutz at times and I do make mistakes, but then so does everybody. I just seem to make bigger ones than the average person, huh? Yet you love me anyway!"
Another wavy line crossed the page.
"I think I must have taken another little nap; not sure how long I was out that time. My head does feel a little bit better though. I was dreaming about some of our past adventures, all the times you've had to rescue me, and sometimes I've had to rescue you too! I keep hoping that maybe you'll finish the assignment early, or Mr. Melrose or Francine will come up to check on my progress on the filing project or something and I'll be found earlier than Monday. I sure hope you don't have to stay longer than the week Mr. Melrose said you'd gone, or I'm definitely going to be in trouble! Don't wait until the last minute to come to the rescue, like you did when you saved me and Francine from the freezer, OK? Or when you defused that bomb with just a second to spare, no need to wait till the last minute here! Ouch, I shouldn't laugh, that makes my head hurt again.
You know, I'm so glad we were able to get past our fears and admit that we loved each other. I know emotional displays are still hard for you. I remember when I thought you were dead and you came back to life in my living room, I said you were more afraid of tears than bullets. I still think that's probably true. If I die, don't be afraid to cry for me, please? That's how you show how much you loved me. I'll be watching over you, I'd be a great Guardian Angel, don't you think? Just watching your back like a good partner always does, no need to stop just because I did something silly like dying in a stupid accident in the office. Oh, that's not to say you're a bad partner because this happened, you weren't even here to prevent it, so don't think I'm saying that at all! You're a great partner, not just at work, but in my life. I love dancing with you, and watching silly movies on TV with you eating popcorn, and just spending time together. We were such good friends before we realized our true feelings for each other, I think that's one of the best things about our relationship is we're not just husband and wife, we're really best friends too. Oh, but that's a bad thing too because you won't have your best friend to help you get through this, will you? Debbie Ann and I were always there for each other when we were kids, I even let her hide when she ran away, did I ever tell you that story? Yeah, I think I did at some point probably. I've told you a lot of stories, do you know why I did that? Well, two reasons, one was so that you could get to know me better, but the other reason was I always hoped you'd start to tell me some of your stories so I could get to know you better. There is still a lot about you that I don't know, but once you started opening up to me, I got to see the real you that was underneath the Scarecrow persona you projected to the rest of the world. I really love the real Lee Stetson a lot, he's a good man with a kind heart. He was a really good husband, even if we were only together for a few months, and even then we couldn't really be together like we wanted to be."
Lee turned to the second piece of paper, a little worried that she was starting to refer to him in the third person like that. It was like she had forgotten she was writing a letter to him, but writing about him instead. Probably a result of the head injury, but the next section of text really got his attention.
"You know, Lee and I never talked about having more kids. We focused on protecting Phillip and Jamie, but I can't remember ever talking to him about having a child of our own together. I sure would like that, Lee is showing such good instincts with the boys, I think he'd make a terrific father starting at the beginning. If we did have a baby, I'd want to name it after his parents, either Matthew or Jennifer depending on if we had a boy or a girl. I was thinking about that last week because I had a touch of the flu and had to drink a ginger ale. Now, I really hate ginger ale, except when I have the flu or when I've been pregnant. As I was drinking it, I did let myself wonder what it would be like to carry Lee's child. It would certainly make it impossible to keep our marriage a secret! Maybe if I can't convince him that we need to do that, I should try to get pregnant! No, that would be sneaky of me, maybe Lee doesn't want any more kids! We need to talk about that when he gets home from this assignment. I'm not getting any younger, so if we are going to have kids we should start trying right away. I've seen those few pictures Lee has of himself as a little kid, and I bet Lee's child would be just as precious. It would be a real symbol of our love for each other. It would mean a lot of changes, I'd probably come out of the field, and Lee might even think about taking a desk job. I know Mr. Melrose is grooming Francine for his replacement but there are other office jobs he could do. I could work in training new agents, I'd be a good teacher I think, as long as I don't have to deal with Station One! That was so embarrassing, of course I was trying to complete against much younger potential agents and I am not the most athletic of people. I have had two babies you know, that takes a toll on you! But keeping up with two kids keeps you pretty fit too. Hey, maybe we could have a Station Day Care for agents with kids, and make the agents try to handle kids for awhile. Wouldn't that be a funny thing? I'm sure Lee has found some of the things I do for the boys to be silly, all the bake sales and baseball games and school projects and things. Oh, I remember when that darn project of Czechoslo-whatika got me in trouble because they thought I was a double agent and they had Lee investigating me? How crazy is that, I was barely a real agent and they thought I was smart enough to be a double agent? Hey, actually I think that's kind of a sideways kind of compliment, isn't it?
I think I've learned to be a good agent over the years, Lee has taught me a lot. I know at first he thought I was just a bother and didn't want to work with me, or get me any training, but Mr. Melrose had confidence in me. I think he also thought I was a good influence on Lee during those first couple of years. I remember when I almost quit, had even turned in my resignation, and Lee got it off of Mr. Melrose's desk and he accepted me as a partner. What if he hadn't done that? If we had gone our separate ways, I wouldn't be stuck in this darn vault, but I would have missed out on falling in love with Lee and our marriage. Oh, it was so worth it. Lee, no matter what happens to me, no matter how bad things get, getting to be with you and be your wife is worth whatever cost I have to pay. I love you with all of my heart and soul, and hope I've done a good job of showing you that over the years. Even when I wasn't ready to admit how I felt to myself, more or less to you, I think I let it show. Like when we had to pretend to be engaged and go through that wedding ceremony. Part of me wanted that to be real so badly! Every time we had to take a case where we pretended to be married, I was so nervous about it, but excited at the same time. I think I probably had a little crush on you, you were so different from Dean, and made my life so much more exciting! Dangerous, yes, but exciting too! Do you remember our first dance at that costume party where I was so underdressed? I used to daydream about that a lot because it felt so nice and safe in your arms, even though you were a complete stranger! I'd never had adventures like that in my life, and I did like it. I also tried to be a good friend to you, like when you had to deal with Dorothy's death from so many years ago. I think I always knew that we were meant to meet on that train station platform, and our lives were meant to intertwine like they did. It doesn't seem fair at all to have our time together cut so short though. Oh well, if you want fair, wait till August, right?
The important thing is we made the most of the time we did have together, and loved each other to the best of our ability. I think we did a good job of that, given the circumstances. I know I felt your love every day in so many little ways, whether it was little gifts on my desk, or just feeling your hand on my back as we'd walk down the hallways at the Agency, or dancing at an embassy event. I hope I did a good job showing you how much I loved you. My only regret is that our friends and families didn't know how much we loved each other. That would be the only thing in my life I'd change. Well, that and I wouldn't have gotten myself stuck in this darn vault! Ouch, made myself laugh again, not a good idea. I'm feeling really tired again, I think I'd better finish this up just in case. You know, I'm going to sit here and think about you, and pray. Maybe I can make you feel that I need you and you'll come home early, maybe God will make it happen. I'm not ready to leave you yet, there is so much more I want to do with my life, with my family, and with you.
If I don't make it, know that my last thoughts will be of you and my family, and if I can, I'll watch over you from the other side. I love you all so much, and you've all made my life such a blessing.
If I do make it, and you are reading this letter,"
Lee stopped reading *Oh oh.* before starting again.
"If I do make it, and you are reading this letter anyway, put it in the box with our wedding rings to always remind you how very much your wife loves you, and destroy the other three letters that I wrote. Knowing you like I do, you won't be able to resist reading this letter, and after all the work I put into it despite my sore head, maybe this will be what it takes for us to make this marriage public.
All of my love forever and ever,
Your Amanda.
P.S. What DO you think about having kids, and why hasn't the subject every managed to come up all this time? Doesn't that seem strange to you? Well, strange is pretty normal for us, since we don't do normal, but still..."
Lee chuckled, and refolded the letter, setting it on the nightstand. He would put it in the wedding ring box in the morning, and burn the other three letters before heading to the Agency infirmary to visit his beloved wife. He couldn't wait to till her about his talk with the boys and their acceptance of the idea of him proposing to her. Then they could become a real family and when the baby came...
Lee sat up in bed with a start. The Baby. He had completely forgotten that Amanda was pregnant! Even if they got married right away, the boys weren't stupid and Jamie for sure would be able to figure out that the baby was conceived before what they think is their wedding night. Lee flopped back down on the bed with a whoomph, and reached over to shut out the light. Just when he thought his terrible, horrible day couldn't get any worse, he might have dug himself a bigger hole with the boys by accident. He and Dottie had agreed that it would be easier to have a second wedding and keep the first wedding a secret, but he hadn't factored in the baby at all. He closed his eyes and tried to get some sleep. He would need to have a serious talk with Amanda and try to get things straightened out, before he made things any worse than they already were.