My arms were heavy and aching for release. The yearbook I'd been carrying was heavy, and just seemed to weigh more as the day went on.

The last day of the school year. I'd been at school after the last bell had rung for atleast an extra hour, running around to all of Spencer's teachers, acquaintances, other friends. They all signed her yearbook at my request, seemed happy to oblige. They told me what a sweet thing I was doing.

I thought Spencer would enjoy it. I shifted the books in my grip, stopping at the nurse's station to grab a pen and add my own ink to the pages. I flipped through, looking for a specific picture. Spencer and I had been lucky - our picture had been featured in one of the Junior Life collages. It was actually a good picture of both of us, a long time before we started dating. We were making goofy faces at the camera, and our caption read "Best Friends!"

I poised my pen below the picture, writing in my best penmanship Spence - we've been through a lot together and that's how we'll tackle everything else: together. I love you completely. Always yours, Ashley Davies. I mark the page - 97.

I smiled at my own thoughtfulness, and the nurse glanced over, nodding in agreement. I blew on the ink, letting it dry, before I closed the book and headed towards Spencer's room.

The nearer I got, the more certain I was that I heard voices. I thought for sure she'd be alone. I peek my head in, and see her staring at the camera in her hands, an unreadable look on her face.

"I wish you could be here." Aiden's voice repeated, and then she slammed the camera shut.

I stepped into the room. "What're you doing, Spence?" I ask, almost afraid of the answer.

"Have you talked to him yet?"

I play dumb. "Who?"

She just levels me with a stare, telling me this is no time to mess around.

"No." I say.

"But you filmed him." She's apparently been sitting on this all night.

"Well, yeah..."

She sighs as I sit down. "He was looking past the camera at you the whole time."

"So?"

"So, anyone with a brain in their head can tell that he's in love with you, Ash." She points out bluntly.

I swallow. "Again, I repeat: so?"

"So why couldn't you tell?"

I don't know how to answer.

"Unless you were just pretending not to know, in which case..."

"Spencer, what does this have to do with anything?" I interrupt. I want to get to the good news, the nice thing I did for her. But I'm afraid that may take longer than expected.

She takes a deep breath. "We have to talk."

"I don't wanna."

She steels herself for what she's about to say. "When Aiden told you he loved you.." She looks like she hates to say these words. "Would you have even given me a second thought if I hadn't gotten shot?"

I gasp. "Spencer, I can't believe you would say that." Her words ring in my ears.

"It's how I felt."

"I'm - I'm sorry." I stutter, reaching out for her hand. She pulls it out of my grasp before I can get a real grip on it.

"You seem to be saying that a lot lately." She says bitterly.

My nostrils flare, despite my overwhelming sadness. "Spencer, what do you want? I mean, I haven't even spoken to him - "

"Why?" She asks. "Why are you avoiding him? Is there something there?"

"What?" I can't believe this. "Spencer..where is all this coming from?"

She looks miserable. "Answer the question."

"It's not even a question! It's a stupid question - of course there's nothing there. Aiden and I, we just have a lot of history - "

"So you've said."

"Spencer." I take her hand, firmly this time. "There's no one else in this entire world that I care about more than you. No one. Please.." My voice cracks. "Please tell me you believe me."

She looks like she's about to cry. "I don't know if I can."

I lower my voice, my heart inches from breaking, and hope she hears the conviction. "When you fell...when I thought you were hurt, and that I would never get a chance to tell you how it's not even close to a choice between you and Aiden, how much you matter to me, I felt like I would never be okay again." I stumble over my words, hoping they convey all that I'm feeling.

"You had that chance." She's not convinced, and it's then I realize it isn't going to be easy - this is going to be hard. She takes her hand back, and I let her. She fidgets with her hands in her lap, not meeting my eyes.

"Look at me. Spencer, look at me."

She does, reluctantly. Tears are threatening to spill from her eyes. "I love you." I tell her desperately.

She starts crying, and my face falls. "Why are you crying?"

"I don't know." She wipes the tears away.

"Tell me what you're feeling." I plead with her.

"Why did you always have to go to Aiden?"

"What?"

"Why did you have to go dance with him?" Her voice rises, tinged with jealousy and anger. "Why were you always around him? Always talking about him, spending time with him?"

"He's my friend." I say weakly, knowing that's no defense. I take a different approach. "Why did you tell him to back off?"

"You were drifting away from me!" She yells. "And closer to him. Always to him. You didn't seem to care. What was I supposed to do?"

"Talk to me!" I explode. "You could have talked to me."

She actually snorts at this. "As if you would have listened."

"I always listen."

She just shakes her head. "You're only listening now because I'm in a damn hospital bed."

I take a deep breath. "I haven't eaten in days. I haven't showered in half as long. I can't even sleep unless I'm in this fucking chair, next to you! I'm a wreck, and you don't...you don't even..." I can't finish. I can't make her feel like I feel.

"If it's so horrible," She says, her lip shaking, betraying her emotion. "Then you can leave."

"I don't want to leave! I just want you to tell me what I'm doing so wrong."

She doesn't want to give me easy answers. "I hated him." She says through clenched teeth. "In that second, I hated him."

"And I hated you." I shoot back. "I hated you for making me choose, because you knew, you knew, I would choose you."

"Is that how you feel?"

"Yes!" I say finally. "That's how I feel. Then I hated Aiden, I hated him...so much." Spencer seems a little taken aback by my words, my conviction.

"Now, though." My shoulders sag, and I feel overwhelmed. "Now I just really, really hate myself..." Spencer looks stricken. "So are you happy? Did you enjoy your little peek into my head?"

She laughs harshly. "Yeah, Ashley. Yeah, I loved that. It's not all about you, you know."

"I hope to hell it isn't, I really do." I say, standing up and starting to pace.

"Sit down."

"I don't want to." I turn to face her, wrapping her arms around herself.

"Ashley."

"Kiss me." I say.

"What?"

"I want you to kiss me. I haven't kissed you in forever. And we just had a fight, and I want you to kiss me."

She opens her mouth, but says nothing, just shaking her head. My face falls.

"Why are you doing this?" I ask her, really wanting to know. "Do you think I'm not trying my best here?"

She doesn't answer. That's not it.

"Do you...do you think I deserve it?"

She slowly begins to nod, then looks away from me.

"God." I squeeze myself tighter. "God, Spencer...you have issues."

"Screw you, Ashley."

"Oh, what are you gonna do, huh? You already broke up with me." I throw it back in her face.

She takes a long, steady breath. "Get out."

"No."

"Get out!"

I clench my jaw, walking over to the table and grabbing the yearbook. I hand it to her, and turn my back on her, doing what she asked.

"Page 97."