A/N: Whew! This chapter is finally done! This was probably one of the hardest chapters that I've ever had to write. For some reason, this chapter didn't come to me as freely as I originally thought it would but it's finally done! I'm not sure if I like how this chapter turned out… I like certain parts and other parts I'm a little iffy about but maybe that's just me being a perfectionist… anyway, enough of my ramblings and happy reading! And as always, don't forget to leave a comment :)

Chapter 10 – Must Get Out

Johnny looked at his phone for about the seventeenth time since he had arrived back at the Zacchara mansion. However, like the previous times that he had checked his phone, there was no change. There were no missed calls or voicemails from Lulu. He let out an irritated groan as he shoved his cell phone back into the pocket of his jeans. He could feel his stomach churning as he paced around the study, carefully listening by the door for any indication that Lulu would come charging through and tell him that she wanted to only be with him and no one else. He wanted to have gotten through to Lulu for once.

But no one ever came.

As the sun dipped below the horizon, he looked up at the antique clock that sat on top of the mantle and sighed at the lack of change in time. The waiting and the nothingness that accompanied it were unbearable. He needed to know something.

Anything.

He walked behind his desk and collapsed into his father's arm chair. Everything was making him anxious, the stillness, the silence… nothing could or would ease his nerves except for a certain blonde that could make the world right again with just an utterance of three words. Hell, she didn't even have to say anything, just as long as she walked into the room and straight into his arms, he would be fine. He would be made whole again.

"Mr. Zacchara…"

He came out of his reverie abruptly and looked up at the guard who was standing in the doorway. He could feel his face fall as he realized that it was not Lulu who was standing before him and he beckoned the man to leave him alone.

"I'm sorry, sir… but it's your sister… she's on line one… should I put her through or should I tell her to call back later?" the guard asked.

"Put her through…" Johnny sighed.

The guard nodded and Johnny picked up the phone. He wasn't in the mood for anymore of his sister's rants about how he should move on with his life and to forget about Lulu and all of the misery and pain that she brought down on Johnny. He was already up to his neck in this but Claudia had been nothing short of supportive and the least he could to was grin and bear it as Claudia went on one of her tirades.

"Yeah, Claudia?" he asked, the exasperation clearly ringing in his voice.

"John…" Claudia whispered.

And that was when he knew something was wrong. Her voice was soft and sad, two things that Claudia's voice never was, regardless of what was going on. The unfamiliarity of the situation made him sit up straight and clutch the phone close to his ear.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"We—We just got a call... from Lulu…" she sighed.

"And?" he pried.

"She and Dillon are going to get married tonight…" she blurted out.

And in that moment, the bottom of Johnny's world disappeared from underneath him.

"W—What? Since when?" he stammered.

"I don't know, John! An hour? Maybe more? They called us from the road…" she explained.

He let out a sharp breath and put his fingertips to his temple. He could feel his eyes start to burn from the tears rushing to his eyes upon hearing that the love of his life was marrying another man. The feeling was like he had been punched in the stomach.

"Wait… you're—you're not thinking about going after her, are you?" Claudia asked.

"No!" he screamed.

His head was spinning and he felt himself sinking down into his father's leather desk chair. He had been turning himself inside out for Lulu for weeks and he had finally pulled the fact that she was still in love with him out of her but it wasn't enough for her. No matter how much he assured her that he wouldn't leave her again and how much he begged her to be with him, she chose to give into that fear and to push him away. Lulu was so determined to push him away that she was going to bind herself to a man that she didn't even love and he couldn't sit back and watch her do it. His heart could only take so much.

"No… I can't do this anymore… I can't continue to twist myself into knots over Lulu when she's made it abundantly clear that she doesn't want to be with me…" he sighed.

"But I thought that you said that you were going to fight for her…" she said.

"I know what I said then, Claudia… but now I'm saying that I can't do it anymore…" he said.

"John…" she started.

"I'm going to do what I planned to do before…" he said.

"Which is?" Claudia prodded.

"I'm leaving Port Charles… for good this time…" he whispered.

He closed his eyes as he pictured Lulu and Dillon holding hands in front of a justice of the peace, smiling as they both said their vows. He could feel the envy rise inside of himself, making his skin crawl. The thought of Lulu being someone else's wife made him sick to his stomach. The thought of her pledging her life to another man and then giving herself fully to him made Johnny want to punch a wall. He squeezed the phone receiver in his hand, wanting to crush the object into a thousand pieces. But what could he do? He could track down Lulu at the justice of the peace and try to stop the wedding but what good would that do? He had already tried to make her come to him and by pursuing her, he had only made her run farther and faster away from him. If this was what she wanted, he would give her that. He loved her enough to let her have what she wanted, even if it killed him.

"I'm so sorry, John… I feel that this is all my fault… I was the one who dragged you back here, even after you told me that you didn't want to come back to Port Charles… I wish I could fix this for you…" she sighed.

"I know… and it's not your fault, Claudia… I just made the mistake to allow myself to be near a woman that I could never—never have…" he said as his voice broke.

"Well, I'm going to come by tonight, ok? I'll help you pack…" Claudia said, in an effort to cheer him up.

"Sure… I'll see you then…" he said.

He hung up the phone and sighed heavily. He had no intention of being at the house when Claudia came. Hopefully, he would be sitting on the Zacchara jet, headed back to Milan, where he belonged. His feet felt heavy as he made his way upstairs towards his bedroom. He instructed a nearby guard to inform the other staff members to start closing up the house. He pushed the door open to his bedroom and his eyes fell to his bed. He could feel his lip quiver as he allowed himself to let images of him and Lulu making love on top of that very same bed. He winced as he remembered the delicious torture of being buried inside of her, feeling her fingernails rake across his back and hearing her pant his name over and over again. He shook his head, banishing the painful thoughts from his mind and threw open his drawer. He couldn't torture himself anymore. He had to put her and everything that they had meant to each other behind him. He began to unpack everything from his mahogany drawer and placed them inside of his suitcase, silently wiping the tears that were rolling down his face.

His suffering would end tonight.

Lulu watched as the trees flew by her window as she and Dillon sped out of Port Charles. The sun had gone down, immersing the sky in a mixture of pink and violet. Her heart was beating so hard against her chest, thinking about what she was about to do. Most brides would be crying tears of joy on the day of their wedding but Lulu knew that the tears that she was trying to hide from Dillon as he drove were tears of sorrow. Johnny would hate her for sure for marrying Dillon. She knew it would feel like a knife in the stomach to know that she had ran away to marry someone else when all of her other actions told him that she loved him and wanted to be with him.

Frankly, she hated herself for going along with it.

She sighed and pulled her hood over her head, shielding her face from her fiancé so that she could freely let her silent tears roll down her face. She had to let this all out before she committed herself to Dillon. She had to purge Johnny from her entire body.

At least she had to try.

She didn't know if she would ever stop remembering the way his lips felt on her skin or how his hands always found that perfect place on her hips, like the curve was just made for him. She didn't know if she would ever forget the way he whispered her name or the way his body melded with hers when they were in bed together.

She would probably never forget the love of her life.

She felt the car lurch to a stop and Dillon took the keys out of the ignition. She wiped the tears from her eyes and her face before pushing her hood back, revealing her tacked on smile to her fiancé, a smile that wouldn't reveal that she really wanted to run back to Port Charles and into Johnny's arms again.

"Ready?" Dillon asked.

"Of course…" she exhaled.

They both got out of the car and Dillon snaked his arm around her waist. She hoped that he couldn't feel her entire body trembling against his. They walked into the small building and into an even smaller room where a man who looked like he was in his late fifties and wore thin-rimmed glasses was reading a newspaper. He looked up and smiled upon seeing the couple approach them.

"You must be Dillon and Lesley…" the man said.

"Yes, we are… and you must be Judge Beamon…" Dillon said and the judge smiled and nodded.

"Yes… well, I have my assistant here to be a witness if you haven't brought anybody with you but otherwise, shall we get started?" Judge Beamon asked.

Lulu nodded meekly and Judge Beamon gestured to the two of them to stand in the appropriate spot. This was it. This was what she had told Johnny and everybody else that she wanted. She had said that she had put Johnny and the past behind her and was ready to forge a new life with Dillon and she was finally getting what she said that she wanted. Lulu could hear the pounding of her heart in her ears. However, now that she had everything that she said that she wanted, she was anxiously waiting for this ordeal to be over with. She felt Dillon come to her side as the judge began their wedding ceremony.

"Marriage is an honorable estate designed to unite two sympathies and hopes into one… and it rests upon the mutual confidence and devotion of husband and wife…" Judge Beamon began.

She tried to blink back the tears that were welling up in her eyes. Hopefully Dillon and the judge would just mistake her tears for ones of joy about finally marrying the man that she was supposed to be with for the rest of her life.

But she wasn't.

She wasn't marrying the man that she wanted to be with until the day that she died. That man was sitting back at Crimson Pointe, probably heartbroken if Nikolas or Claudia had told him of her plans to elope with Dillon that night. She closed her eyes, trying to picture herself somewhere away from that small room, holding hands with Dillon. She imagined herself in the Lila Quartermaine's rose garden, with the sun beaming down on her. Her hair was pinned up with her mother's hair clips and a crisp white flower was tucked behind her ear. She was wearing that beautiful white dress that she and Carly had picked out from the boutique that was now sitting in a box in her apartment and standing in front of her, holding her hands and a look of pure joy in his eyes, was Johnny.

It was the wedding that she was supposed to have.

"Will you please join your hands?" Judge Beamon asked, smiling brightly at the young couple.

Dillon eagerly took her hands in his and smiled back at Lulu. She managed to put on a smile for him, masking her fear and her apprehension for this ceremony. She knew that the vows were the next part of the ceremony and she had to keep her resolve strong to get through them.

"Dillon, do you take Lesley to be your wedded wife… to live together in marriage? Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health and forsaking all others, be faithful only to her so long as you both shall live?" Judge Beamon asked.

"I do…" Dillon whispered.

"Lesley, do you take Dillon to be your wedded husband… to live together in marriage? Do you promise to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health and forsaking all others, be faithful only to him so long as you both shall live?" Judge Beamon asked.

At that moment, all words escaped Lulu. She opened her mouth, trying to say the two simplest words in the English language, but nothing came out. As her voice failed her, her tears spilled over her eyelids and fell down her face. She couldn't do it. She couldn't make that promise because she knew that she wouldn't be able to keep it. If she saw Johnny again, she knew that she wouldn't have the strength to turn away or to deny him. Upon her realization, she began to cry, harder than she had ever cried in front of Dillon.

"I—I can't… I'm s—so sorry, Dillon… I can't…" Lulu sobbed.

"Will you give us a minute, Judge Beamon?" Dillon asked.

Judge Beamon nodded and ducked quickly into the other room, knowing that a large confrontation between the couple was about to erupt. As soon as the door closed behind the judge, Dillon turned back around on Lulu, eyes wide with concern.

"What do you mean you can't? You don't want to get married?" Dillon asked and she shook her head.

"I tried… I tried so hard to want this… to want you and to want to be married to you but I—" she started.

"You don't want me?" he asked, his voice began to crack and tears sprang to his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Dillon… I didn't—I didn't mean for it to sound like that…" she said.

The sadness in his eyes quickly began to dissipate and a new emotion began to rise: anger. She watched as Dillon's mouth clenched and his nostrils flared in rage upon her words. She never wanted to hurt him or to make him upset but she just couldn't lie to herself, or him, any longer and now she had to face the consequences of her deceit. She watched as his hand curled up into a fist at his side and she swallowed hard.

"This is about Johnny, isn't it? You slept with him, didn't you?" he hissed.

"I'm in love with him…" she sobbed. Her voice made it sound like it was the worst thing in the world.

"Did you sleep with him?" he repeated bitterly, as if her previous declaration of love was unimportant.

"Yes…" she whispered.

"It was that night that you didn't come home, wasn't it? The night that you swore to me that you weren't with him?" he asked.

"I'm sorry…" she cried, admitting her guilt.

"And all of the time you were with me, you were still in love with Johnny?" he asked.

"Yes… I tried to ignore it... tried to fight it but I can't do it anymore… marrying you wouldn't make these feelings go away…" she said.

She knew that it was a horrible thing to say but she owed him the truth. It was the least that she could do now. She knew that he would be hurt for a little while but he would be happier in the long run when he found a woman who would love him with her whole heart and who would truly make him happy. Suddenly, Dillon reached into his pocket and tossed her the car keys.

"Go…" he said flatly.

"But—" she started, completely shocked by the gesture, and he shook his head.

"I have no reason to go back to Port Charles… not anymore… I'll call you later to tell you where to ship my stuff… but right now, just go… I can't—I can't even look at you…" he said.

He was turned away from her, trying to not show her how badly he was hurting because of her declaration. She backed away from him, knowing that she had no right to try and explain that this wasn't his fault or any other methods to comfort him. She had done enough damage to him and to Johnny and she just needed to make things right for everyone involved. It wouldn't have been fair to marry Dillon when she didn't love him in the same way that he loved her. She cared about him enough to want him to be happy and she knew that being married to her wouldn't make him happy. She managed to make it to the door but was stopped by a muffled cry that was coming from behind her. She turned around slowly and took in the sight of Dillon hunched over with his face buried in his hands.

"I really am sorry, Dillon…" she whispered.

The car came to a screeching halt as Lulu pulled into the driveway of Crimson Pointe. As soon as the soles of her shoes hit the ground, she took off in a mad sprint towards the front door. She should've noticed that there were no guards at the gate or at the door as they usually were but she had to get inside. The blood in her veins was coursing through her body at a rapid pace as her heart pounded against her chest with a blazing fury. She repeatedly slammed her fist on the large mahogany wood door, screaming and crying his name over the harsh thunder reverberated throughout the dark sky.

But no one came.

She made her way to the side gate, a way that she had often went through when wanted to avoid being seen by the guards to get to the garden shed. With another sharp crackle of thunder, rain began to pour down onto her but she didn't care. She wiped her face, unable to distinguish the tears from the rainfall that wet her cheeks, and pressed her hand against the glass door to the study. Her hand fell to the cold pewter doorknob and she found that the door pushed free when she turned the knob. The room was dark and still. The desk was covered with a long piece of brown canvas. The lounge where they had almost made love on the night of her brother's wedding was also covered. She strode towards the door to the foyer and her breath caught in her throat. All of the vases with fresh roses from the garden had been removed and the ornate end tables were covered.

The house had been deserted.

"No…" she whispered.

She managed to make it upstairs and pushed the door open to his bedroom. The sheets and the comforter had been removed and replaced with the same brown canvas that cloaked all of the other furniture in the house. It was as if no one had lived in the house for years. Lulu felt her breath come in short spurts as tears sprang to her eyes.

Johnny was gone.

Her legs felt weak upon her realization and the pain of her knees hitting the floor was only a fraction of the pain that she felt in her heart. She had tried her hardest to push Johnny away and it worked. It worked so well that he ran far away. She felt her body convulse as her sobs took over. The hardwood floors were cool beneath her cheek as she curled up in a ball on the floor. She closed her eyes and thought about lying on the floor of her bedroom at the Quartermaine mansion, clutching that letter that he wrote. She imagined herself as a fluffy ball of white fabric, crumpled and ruined on the floor. Now, she had come full circle. On a day that she thought that she would be married, she was ruined and curled up in a ball on the floor.

Crying for the same man.

"John?"

Her heart broke upon hearing the name of the man that she loved, knowing that he was gone and was probably not coming back. Lulu heard a set of footsteps climb the stairs and draw closer to the bedroom. The door opened and she immediately felt someone's hands come to her shoulders.

"Lulu? Oh my god, are you alright?" Claudia asked, kneeling beside her, and Lulu shook her head.

"He's—He's gone, Claudia… he's gone…" Lulu sobbed.

"What do you mean he's gone?" Claudia asked.

"Johnny…" Lulu exhaled.

Claudia tried to get Lulu to sit up but her body felt too heavy to rise. Her limbs felt like they were filled with lead and frankly she didn't want to lift herself back up. She just wanted to curl up and disappear, shutting the rest of the world out. Lulu closed her eyes as she heard Claudia call Nikolas on her cell phone to come inside and that his sister needed him. She didn't deserve to have anyone help her because this mess was of her own doing. She had made her bed and now she had to lie in it.

"You know that he left because of you…" Claudia spat.

"I kept pushing him away… and now he's not coming back…" Lulu lamented.

"You shouldn't even be here, Lulu! You're supposed to be marrying Dillon right now for godsake!" Claudia hissed.

"I couldn't—I couldn't go through with it… all I kept thinking about was Johnny and the wedding that we were supposed to have and I—I couldn't do it… and I came back to tell him that I didn't want to push him away anymore but I'm—I'm too late…" Lulu sobbed.

Lulu's eyes opened and she saw Claudia's expression soften, almost if she pitied her for her situation. She didn't want or deserve Claudia's sympathy. Claudia's lips parted, as if she were about to say something, when the bedroom door opened again and Lulu recognized her brother's concerned expression.

"Oh my god… what happened? Is she hurt?" Nikolas asked, turning to his wife.

"Let's just get her out of here..." Claudia insisted.

Lulu felt herself being lifted into Nikolas' arms, like he had done on her wedding day two years ago. Johnny was gone and Nikolas was picking her off the ground like he had done. The irony was cruel and she buried her face into his chest and clung to the lapels of his jacket as she sobbed. Though the situations were different, the outcome had turned out the same. He was gone and she was broken. A part of her was angry at herself for allowing herself to feel for Johnny as she did but she loved him so much and so deeply that her anger at herself was minimized. This time, it was her fault. It was her fault that she was emotionally devastated. She allowed Johnny back into her life and her heart and she had made every single mistake in the book and now he was gone. The cold air hit her face as the three of them walked outside towards the car. Nikolas delicately placed her in the backseat of the car, letting her resume her curled up position, and he pressed a kiss to her forehead. She felt the engine of the car come to life as Claudia started up the ignition and Lulu closed her eyes.

Life… love… meaning for existence…

It was all over.

"I'm so sorry, Lulu…"

The voice that she heard as she roused from her sleep was not the one that she wanted to hear. She would've given anything to hear that sweet deep voice of Johnny's again. He would have nothing to be sorry for. It was her that had made him turn himself into knots with her indecisiveness and her unwillingness to accept his love as being what she wanted. If anything, she was the one who should be on her hands and knees, begging him for forgiveness and for another chance. Her eyes opened and they fell to her brother's hung head as he sat beside her. His hand was holding hers and his fingers were drawing small circles on the top of her hand.

"For what?" she asked and Nikolas seemed to be startled by her voice.

"I'm sorry for a lot of things…" he muttered.

"You don't need to apologize to me, Nikolas… you've been nothing but good and wonderful to me for as long as I can remember…" she whispered and he shook his head.

"No I haven't…" he sighed.

"What do you mean?" she asked, propping herself up.

"I've made a mess of your life…" he said.

"If anyone's made a mess of my life, it's me… I realized that I wanted Johnny all along but I just—I was just too late…" she said softly.

Lulu looked into her brother's eyes and saw an emotion that puzzled her: guilt. The feeling was plastered all over Nikolas' face as he looked right back into his sister's eyes and he quickly looked away. What would Nikolas have to feel guilty for? If anything, he had proven over and over again that he was her rock, her anchor even to help her stay afloat in this riptide of emotions that she was going through. Something was definitely wrong with her brother.

"Lulu, it's my fault that all of this has happened…" he said.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

Nikolas took a deep sigh and Lulu knew that whatever he had to say was huge. It wasn't like Nikolas to lie to her. He had never lied to her in her entire life. She scooted closer to him and let out a shaky breath, unsure if she really wanted to hear her brother's confession. She had lost so much in just the past few hours and she didn't know if she wanted to add her brother to that list.

"I was the one who made Johnny leave you at the altar two years ago…"