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Can I borrow your light? I've lost mine.
~Toby Jugg, The Haunted Airman
11.
Forest Meadow Mental Health Facility
Physician: Dr. Carlisle Cullen
Time/Date: 7:18 am, Monday, February 28th
Ward/Floor: S. Meyer Wing, 5th floor, minimum security
OBSERVATIONS:
Masen, Anthony
It's been just over a week since I met the Daniel personality. Since that time, Anthony has maintained the more docile Edward personality. He has reintegrated into the ward seamlessly, maintaining that we are his family, with the exception of Bella, who he sees as his girlfriend. While I am not opposed to the idea of a stable relationship in Anthony's life, I am concerned for both of their well-beings in the long run.
Hale, Rosalie
Anthony's Daniel personality has helped her immensely. Since their talk (as relayed to me by Esme) last week, she has been a different patient. I feel that getting everything off of her chest mixed with the art therapy is what she needed to do. I have noticed that Rosalie is more outgoing as well as not shying away from new individuals - especially men. I am thrilled with her progress. I think, for the first time, she is headed to a complete recovery. We need to keep her on track, steady and slow. Administer Zoloft on schedule.
Swan, Isabella
Bella is sleeping better at night. She had some concerns with the new janitor, Laurent, coming into the ward, but Esme assured her that Laurent is safe. She seems to have really bonded with the Edward personality. I am glad to see her trust someone implicitly. I am surprised that it came with some ease, though. Keep close watch over her, making sure she stays safe. Administer Prozac on schedule. Discontinue administration of Lunesta unless deemed necessary.
Brandon, Mary Alice
Alice has embraced art therapy. She is thriving and doing well. I have noticed that she is finally acting a little older, more her age. I feel that it's a combination of Jasper and Bella's company that has her seeing things as a teenager instead of a child. I'm also beginning to be convinced that the absence of the Cedric personality this past week may have something to do with her progress as well.
Whitlock, Jasper
Jasper has returned to his full self. The first few days after his release from 'solitary' had me concerned. He withdrew upon meeting the Daniel personality. He hid all that day. It took a few days for the Edward personality to assure him that he was not leaving unless it was necessary. I am happy to note his return to morning perimeter checks this week. Continue administering Clozapine on schedule.
*~*~*~*Carlisle's POV*~*~*~*
The second I finish filling out the morning rounds chart, Emmett comes bounding up to me. He has a frightened look on his face.
"What's wrong, Emmett?"
He looks at me. "You won't believe what's going on, Dr. C."
"Emmett, take a deep breath. Calmly tell me what's happened."
He inhales deeply, exhales deeply. "It's Anthony."
"All right, what's wrong with Anthony? Did another personality come out?"
"Not just another personality, it's him. Anthony."
I drop the chart on the desk and run down the hall. My heart was pounding - partially with excitement for finally meeting Anthony, partially frightened to find out why he is showing now for the first time.
*~*~*~*Anthony's POV*~*~*~*
Waking in the small bed, I crack one eye open to take in my surroundings, recognizing the hospital white room. I find myself to be alone and, listening, I hear no sounds of anyone near. Thankful, I shift in the bed, burrowing under the warmth of the covers.
A loud thud breaks the silence causing my heart to skip a beat before galloping in my chest. Jerking upright, I cautiously peer over the edge of the bed and see the familiar black journal. Shaking and terrified, I reach down and pluck it from the floor.
Propelled by an unknown force, my body is not my own as I open the back cover. Tears well in my eyes as I flip through the pages. The white paper is covered in writing, as if someone started a separate book from the back. Different forms of handwriting are scrawled in every available space, but they all say basically the same thing.
"My name is Tyler, and I am you.
My name is Salvador, and I am you.
My name is Cedric, and I am you."
It is the last entry that floods me with the knowledge I never wanted. The epiphany begins and spreads like wildfire, alerting all my senses. Swaying and light-headed, I read it one last time before everything becomes entirely too overwhelming and I slump over, the book once again falling to the floor.
"My name is Edward, and I am you."
My vision blurs, even as the room and the contents of my stomach spin wildly. A buzzing begins in my head, quietly, then louder and louder. I close my eyes, pushing down the nausea and fear, for once really listening. Slowly, the voices become more focused and I am able to distinguish their individual sounds, calling out their names.
Soon, their voices become unbearably loud. I am unable to think or function, the noise of them overrides everything else.
"Shut up," I whisper, cautioning them. The realization of what I am and what I have done is exhausting and terrifying. My vision has turned cloudy, and my heart is beating too fast and it scares me further.
Louder and louder they roar, faster and faster my heart thumps in my chest. "Shut up," I say louder. "Shut up. Shut up. Shut up..." I scream over and over, covering my ears tightly with my hands to no avail.
Soon, I feel gentle hands covering my own and I chance a peak. Though still blurry, I recognize the blond doctor. I hesitantly reach forward and grasp at him, clinging and desperate, I whisper to him in the only way I know to explain.
"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall," I recite lowly. "I did too; I had a real long, bad fall. I think I'm broken," I admit.
The voices in my head quiet and listen attentively as the doctor smiles sadly and runs his fingers through my hair.
"I suppose you are, Son," he says. "The real question is, are you strong enough to put yourself back together?"
"All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put me back together again," I whisper
Closing my eyes, I feel myself floating away from the pain toward the darkness of my mind. Once upon a time, I had been afraid of monsters in the dark but quickly learned it is the real life monsters, existing in the cold light of day that hurt you.
Still, my sanctuary is breached for I can still hear their voices and as I climb the steps to my safe haven, I see them. One with a top hat and one with glasses. They watch as I depart, disappointment clear on their faces.
I cannot help them though. I've nothing left to give of myself.
*~*~*~*Toby's POV*~*~*~*
Why did they have to wake me?
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be anywhere.
I wish they had just let me die.
Both, my body and mind have long ago split apart. My crippled form no longer able to run from my enemies. My brain no longer able to differentiate between real and dream. I fought as hard as I could against my adversaries, but it cost me my soul-one tiny piece at a time. Surrender was inevitable and, once conquered, I was cast aside as useless.
Once upon a time I was a fighter, a hero, a man. Now, I lie here, in a hospital bed of all places, coherent but so tormented. Assigned a task and forced into the cold, I wait. Time stands still as the big man called Emmett fusses around me. Soon, there are many-too many people with too many questions and too many pills and it makes me feel like hell.
Next comes the doctor with his explanations and words of comfort. He nods and gasps in all the right places as I tell about the world on my shoulders, the weight crushing my spine. I tell him about the ghosts that are never far away, crawling into bed, their voices taunting, as I lie next to them in the still of the night, unable to run away.
In a slow, methodical way he ascertains that I am indeed unable to use my legs. Pleading, he says not to worry and allow him to do his job. He'll take care of everything, he declares emphatically. When I question what I shall do in the meantime he responds, whatever I think is best. His words say, talk, sleep, eat, be comfortable but I wonder if slitting my throat with a straight razor wouldn't be easier for both of us.
As Doctor Cullen rambles on about hallucinations and paranoia, I watch the tiny black spiders crawl from under the bed and surround him. One climbs rapidly up his shoulder where it perches. Distracted, I go a little bit crazy as I watch it's legs move in tandem as if waving evilly at me. Frightened, I cower, shoving my fist quickly between my lips and biting down to stifle the scream welling inside me. The metallic taste of blood floods my mouth and the panic subsides partially.
As the doctor moves about the room, still lecturing, the spiders follow him, moving in tandem with his footsteps. He asks if I am feeling all right. I don't know. He asks if I need anything. I don't know. All I know is what I can see and I don't trust those damn spiders or him. How can I when I can't even trust myself?
Eventually he leaves me with my suspicions; hopeless and alone, taking his army of arachnids with him.
Not alone for long, a nurse soon enters bringing an ancient looking wheelchair for me. I despise the contraption on sight but I have no choice.
The woman has a sweet smile and is quick to anticipate my needs. She helps me to maneuver into the chair, speaking gently as she works. Her voice is smooth and I quite like listening to her harmonious tone.
The warmth and softness of her skin against mine as she helps me is refreshing. I cannot remember a woman ever touching me with so much care. I can't help watching her and feeling the edges of a smile lift from my lips.
"I'm Esme, and I'll be glad to help you with anything you need," she says kindly.
For some reason, I believe her. Something in the way she moves, something different in the way she smiles, behind her eyes, I see truth and honesty. I am hesitant to admit that I like her. I'm sure she doesn't want an invalid fawning over her. All I know is that I feel better in her presence and I wish for the feeling to continue.
"Stay and read with me," I practically beg.
"Of course," she agrees easily.
We spend hours of the early morning reciting poetry to one another and my fondness grows. I close my eyes and listen to the soft lilt of her feminine voice. Her voice is even soft and friendly as she chastises me for asking for cigarettes
I think about having her in my bed, snuggling warm against me. I wonder if she could ever think of me as a real man and not the broken boy in the wheelchair. I dare to hope that maybe she could bring direction into my life.
Soon it is lunchtime and she tells me she has to go back to work. I am unable to contain my smile this time when she lightly kissed my cheek before leaving in the hallway with directions to the cafeteria. I watch her as she glides down the hall, then I turn my chair and mind toward lunch.
Luckily, I am able to move easily through the lunch rooms open double doors. As soon as I enter, I am bombarded with people waving at me and calling out various names, none of which are correct.
"Daniel?," the blond girl asks hopefully. I shake my head.
"Cedric," the childlike girl proclaims loudly. Again, I shake my head.
A tall man steps forward and reaches for my hand. I allow him to take it as I study the worried expression on his face. "Soldier?" he croaks. "My brother...tell me what the enemy did to you and I will utilize all of my vast knowledge and resources to avenge you."
Unsure how to answer, I simply shake my head again, but I squeeze his hand tightly to show my gratefulness for his support.
The pretty brunette, I know to be Bella, pushes past the others and falls to her knees before me.
"Edward?" she cries, tears streaming down her flushed cheeks.
"Toby Jugg, ma'am. It's a pleasure to meet your acquaintance," I glance around me at the people before me. I can see it on their faces, hidden in their eyes, they are all just as damaged as I. "All of you..." I reiterate.
Introductions were made quickly, there was no pity, only understanding, as they walked to a table. Bella removed a chair and Jasper pushed me forward to fill the space while Alice retrieved a tray of food for me.
An easy camaraderie settled over us, they asked for no questions or explanations. The rest of us ate mostly in silence as Alice regaled us with tales about unicorn named Rob. When I did speak, they all seemed to really be listening to what I was saying, almost as if they...cared. It was a strange feeling.
Something foreign bloomed in my chest. Something I could almost grasp but not quite. What was it called?
"Hope," the voices whispered, but I ignored them, turning back to Bella whose hand had remained on my thigh all through lunch. Although, I couldn't feel the weight of her touch, the warmth seemed to spread through my body invitingly.
I liked being with them...my...family. Yes, family. I liked the way they make me feel, like I am somehow important to them. That is a new and exciting experience for me. I couldn't wait to tell Esme all about it. I found myself craving her acceptance and wondered if maybe she would read with me some more this afternoon.
When she entered the room, I felt my face heating. Internally, I beckoned to her, needing to be close and feel her touch. I envision her in the sunlight by a cooking stove baking cookies and smiling. I long for her to sing me to sleep with her angelic voice and run her fingers softly through my hair.
A long ago memory threatens to surface of another mother-like figure who had no time nor patience for me, I push it away, not wanting to remember. I just want to bask in the comfort of my new-found companions and the woman who makes me feel special and loved.
A face splitting smile spreads my lips as Esme approaches. My relief is palpable at having her in my company again and Bella notices.
Leaning close to my ear, she whispers. "You need a mother, don't you?"
Gasping at her perceptive directness, I nod. It's true, I need this.
Esme smiles warmly as she approaches. However before she reaches our table, the doctor sweeps through the door, calling her name and motioning for her to follow him. They step through a wooden door with a large frosted glass pane, I can still see their silhouettes, and I watch on in dread.
The memory is pushing harder against my mind, pressing forcefully to the surface as I watch my Esme kiss the doctor's lips, choosing him over me. Again. The memory explodes in full impact causing me to tremble. I bite down on my hand feeling the pain spread through my body even as it expands in my mind.
Alone and scared in my head, I travel back to that house with a woman who should have loved and protected me. One who should have fight for me but instead pushed me away without a thought for my well-being, ignoring me when I was hungry, lonely, or tired.
"Go away!" she screams over and over when I finally gain her attention. "I never wanted you."
I see Esme growing closer and I cannot bear the rejection I know is coming. For the first time in my life, the urge to fight instead of flee overwhelms me. Picking up the Jell-O cup from my tray, I pitch it forward and watch in horror as it drips down the front of her pristine white uniform. Backing my chair from the table in a panic of the repercussions, I say it before she can.
"Go away! I never wanted you."
I have thirty seconds to register the hurt on her face before I am wheeled away by the big man.
Back in my room, once again alone, the flashes come faster and faster. The strawberry-red Jell-O splattered across the white backdrop of Esme's nurse suit has brought forth all the memories and I feel myself fading.
I grasp the journal on the bedside table, but fall from the bed in my haste. Using my arms to maneuver myself backward, I drag my legs in front of me to the corner of the room. I write quickly what I am compelled to tell, just as the doctor steps through the door bringing the horrible spiders with him.
With my mission complete, I put up no fight and go with them willingly. My words on the page my last thought: I am Toby, and I am you.
*~*~*~* Carlisle's POV *~*~*~*
Esme steps out of my office's bathroom. "Thank you for letting me have your extra shirt, Carlisle."
"It's nothing," I reply.
As she walks past me, folding her uniform, she pauses and plants a kiss on my cheek. I grab her hand and whirl her around into a hug. I kiss her deeply.
"Besides, you know I like it when you wear my shirts. It's hot," I tell her, wagging my eyebrows.
She laughs lightly. "I swear you can be such a devil sometimes."
Just as I was going to take our playfulness a little further, a knock on the door interrupted us. Emmett popped his head into the room. He looked at Esme, then at me.
"I'm sorry for interrupting, Dr. C, but before I leave for the night, I wanted to make sure you knew the meds kicked in and Anthony was asleep in his bed."
"Thank you for letting me know, Emmett."
"Sure thing," he answers with a smile. "Oh, and Esme... looking mighty damn fine!"
"Good night, Emmett," I growl at him as he smiles and leaves.
Esme looks at me, her eyes full of empathy. "What are you going to do, Carlisle?"
I shrug and shake my head. I knew exactly what was on her mind, because it was on my mind as well. Her words confirmed it.
"These episodes of acting out seem to be happening more often. I'm worried about Anthony."
"I know you are, Esme."
"I'm concerned about the others, too. I think his personality swings are spinning out of control, and he may wind up hurting one of them, or himself. They're like my children, Carlisle, and I can't imagine living without any one of them."
I hug her close to me, and chastely kiss her forehead. "You know I feel the same way, Esme. I won't let anything happen to any of them. I just need to figure out the triggers that set off Anthony's changes. I need to read through his journal again. I just hate doing it without his knowledge."
We say our goodbyes, and I make the promise not to be longer than an hour or two behind her as she leaves for the night. We walk to the elevator, hand-in-hand. I give her one last kiss just before the elevator doors shut.
Turning around, facing towards Anthony's room, I begin to question if what I was about to do was ethical. I was never one who liked to barge into a patient's personal journal without their consent, but I felt like it was dire straits.
If I didn't read his entries, unlocking the puzzle would be impossible. But, trying to get his permission was equally an impossible task due to the different identities. Edward may give permission, but Tyler would act out. Daniel would openly oblige, but Giselher would go to war before allowing such a thing.
I take a deep breath and tell myself that it's in the best interest of not just Anthony, but every other patient on the ward.
Just as I reach the door, Jasper walks up to me and snaps to attention. "Perimeter is all clear, sir," he says with a salute.
"Thank you, Jasper. Would you mind escorting Alice and Bella to their room for the night? I'd like a moment alone with Anthony."
"Yes, sir." He about faces, and walks to the common room.
When he's out of sight, I quietly step into the room. Anthony's journal is on the floor next to the bed. After carefully picking it up, I start flipping through the pages. What I see astounds me.
There is a beautiful drawing of Bella, and one of Jasper. Both had greatly detailed pencil strokes and no color. Each picture is signed by Dali with a note that reads, 'I am Dali, and I am you.'
I flip to another page with red scribbles and very child-like handwriting that details something about the event that brought Anthony to me. Again, the note at the end reads, 'I am Cedric, and I am you.'
Page after page there are notes and drawings. There are mentions of details about the night his parents were murdered. The color red is the only color - other than black ink and graphite pencil - found in any of the pages.
By the time I finish, Anthony's personality count was at nine. An unbelievable nine. Each personality had its own handwriting, speech patterns, and thoughts. Every entry of theirs ending with the phrase, 'I am you.'
I place the journal back as I had found it. I leave the room, and am startled by Jasper standing at the door's edge.
"Sorry, sir. You had said that you wanted a moment alone. I was complying with your request."
I nod. "Thank you, Jasper. You may retire for the night now."
"Thank you, sir." He salutes me and marches quietly into his room.
By the time I get back to my office, thoughts are swimming around in my head. Nothing about the journal entries was cohesive. Things just didn't fit together as I had hoped they would. So many missing pieces...
As I pick up the phone and make a call to Chief Uley, Anthony's words resonate in me...
All the king's horse and all the king's men couldn't put me back together again.